Cabin Fever

by Edie Bryant

  I decided to turn the water all the way on hot for one last time, getting the bath so steamy that I actually felt overheated. This was a little trick I’d learned over the years for when I didn’t want to force myself to get out of the shower. I made myself feel too hot so that the cool air felt like a relief.

  At home, it worked really well, because the coldest it ever got where I live is between 50 and 60 degrees. But, here, where it was literally frozen outside, it didn’t work as well. As soon as I stood up out of the bath, I was immediately freezing. The cold air was a relief for a split second.

  Thankfully, I had planned for this and had my towel right next to me, but it was hardly a relief. I was freezing my ass off as I rushed to dry myself and get into some comfy clothes.

  I decided, since I was obviously going to be stuck here for a few days, I’d just change into some comfy pajamas. I didn’t see any reason to get fully dressed right now. It’s not like I had to impress anybody.

  I mean, obviously, I liked Emily, and I’d like to impress her, I suppose, but it was better that I didn’t. The less attractive I appeared, the better.

  When I walked back out into the living room a little less than an hour later, Emily was sitting on the couch, munching on a bag of chips. It looked like she’d nearly finished the family size bag.

  “Hey…” I began slowly.

  “Oh, hi!” she said in surprise. She obviously hadn’t heard me come out of the bathroom.

  She sat up on the couch and tossed the chip bag down.

  “So…” I started, as I sat down next to her. I tried to think of a way to bring this up without things being totally and completely awkward, but I was coming up blank.

  Sensing my nervousness, Emily was kind enough to try and change the subject.

  “Hey, so, is this you?” she asked, grabbing a picture off of the coffee table and showing it to me.

  It wasn’t a picture of me exactly. There were a lot of us in the photograph. It had been taken at Jean’s wedding. Jean and her husband were standing in the middle. On the left of her husband, all of his groomsmen were standing there. And, on the right side of Jean, were all of us bridesmaids.

  “Yep, actually, I was Jean’s Maid of Honor. It was a beautiful day.” I smiled as I thought about it.

  The wedding had gone off without a hitch. Though, that probably had been because they hadn’t taken the wedding too seriously.

  At that age, I’d been to plenty of weddings, for friends, for co-workers. And, what I’d noticed consistently was that the bridezillas and groomzillas always seemed to have the hardest time on their wedding day. It was like if one thing went wrong, it all tumbled down.

  I had seen one bride literally start bawling at the reception because the cake had ended up being one tier shorter than they had ordered. I mean, which is a damn big mistake if you’re a bakery selling wedding cakes, don’t get me wrong. But I still couldn’t imagine having a meltdown over it.

  But Jean and her husband had been nothing like that. They had planned a small wedding. It had been pretty simplistic, and neither one of them had been particularly invested in the wedding day itself. What both of them had wanted had been a marriage.

  “It was this really sweet, simple wedding,” I told Emily. “It was in Jean’s mother’s backyard. They live out in the country and have all this land, and they had it decorated with lights and candles. It was nice. They just had their good friends and family there.”

  “It sounds like a lovely day,” Emily nodded. “That sounds like the kind of wedding I’d want, honestly.”

  “Yeah? You’re not big on weddings, either, huh?”

  “No, not really,” she shrugged. “Honestly, I’d be the kind of girl who’s happy to get married in a court house.”

  “Really?” This surprised me for some reason. “You didn’t strike me as the type for that.”

  “Oh? Why not?”

  “Well, you’re so outgoing. You like people. I’d prefer to elope myself, but I am not a big fan of people,” I laughed, “and I wouldn’t have that many people to invite.”

  “No big family, huh?” she asked.

  Dammit, I’d walked into that one. I usually avoided talking about my family, but there was no avoiding it now.

  “Well, I kind of do, actually. But they’re not really part of my life anymore.”

  She frowned. “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that. Do you mind if I ask why?”

  I did, but I felt rude saying that. Especially after I’d been such an ass to her earlier when she had tried to kiss me. I didn’t want to make things any more awkward than I already had.

  “I came out when I was 18, and it didn’t go over too well. Which I had kind of expected. My parents are very religious; my whole extended family is religious. The kind of people who are strict about going to church literally every Sunday. But, I don’t know, before I had come out, I had really been hoping that they’d learn to accept me anyway. Since I was their kid and all. At the very least, I had thought my siblings would have supported me. But, no, they cast me out of the family, and I haven’t really heard from them since.”

  She looked like she was about to tear up. “Oh my god, I’m so sorry! That’s terrible…”

  I shrugged. “It was a long time ago. It was awful of them, but I’ve mostly gotten over it,” I partially lied.

  While I had distanced myself from the pain considerably, I would be lying if I said it didn’t still hurt. Every time the holidays rolled around, it was especially difficult. Co-workers and friends always had stories about going home to see their families, and it made me feel so incredibly lonely.

  “How could you really get over that?” Emily pushed. “They were your parents, your family, the people who are supposed to love you more than anything. And they just ditched you because… why? Because you love women? Because of something you can’t control? I just can’t fucking imagine…”

  “Well, when you put it like that…” I laughed awkwardly.

  I was trying to play it off like no big deal, but Emily wasn’t having it. She was pushing me to talk more, to tell her how I really felt. And, until this moment, I hadn’t realized how badly I had wanted to talk about how I really felt.

  “Seriously, you don’t have to act with me,” Emily insisted. “I know it must be painful, it has to be. I’ve had a lot of shit come my way in life. I’ve had a string of horrible, failed relationships, but my family has been my saving grace.”

  I sighed. “I’m not going to lie, I’ve had some of the same. And it sucks not having that support. But I have my close friends. I have people like Jean. And I’ve known her since we were kids. Her family is pretty much my family, and that truly does help. But, no, it’s not the same.”

  “Again, I’m so sorry. I would never fucking treat my kid like that.”

  “Neither would I,” I agreed. “It really fucks you up, to think the people who brought you into this life don’t even love you anymore. It does a number on your self-esteem. There’s no coping with it. I actually think I blame them for a lot of my failed relationships.”

  I hadn’t ever admitted that out loud before. I was surprised to even hear myself say it.

  “How so?” she asked.

  “Well, I don’t know. Since they cut me out, I feel like I’ve been really searching for the validation they once gave me. You know, the validation that I’m a person worthy of love. And that led me to stay with… well, a lot of people who maybe didn’t deserve that love. All because I hadn’t wanted to be alone. I didn’t want to deal with being by myself, and all that came with it.”

  “Is that the situation with your most recent relationship?” Emily asked.

  This conversation was getting so personal, but I honestly didn’t mind. Having this conversation was so cathartic. To think, I had come out here thinking it was going to be awkward to tell her the reason that I hadn’t wanted to hook up. And, now, I was talking about things that were way more intimate.

  “You know, I’ve been sl
owly learning more about myself over the past few years. And I’ve noticed this unfortunate pattern in my relationships, and I think I’ve been doing my best to combat it. But, yeah, I do think I still held on a little too long for this reason. I think the holidays really had something to do with it.”

  She raised an eyebrow. “The holidays?”

  “Yeah, you know, that’s the hardest time, when you don’t have a family. It’s the time you’re supposed to spend with those closest to you. So, if you don’t have that, you feel kind of… empty. As shitty of a person as Sarah was, her family wasn’t bad at all. And I really enjoyed spending time with them, especially during the holidays. I think I had wanted to experience that one last time. Maybe I had been hoping that, by the next holidays, I’d be dating someone else, and I wouldn’t have to be alone,” I laughed. “Want to hear something funny?”

  She gave a half-smile. “Honestly, I’m not sure what could be funny during this conversation, but I’m all-ears.”

  “The day that I broke up with Emily, I had actually been practicing baking for one of her family holiday get-togethers. See, we were supposed to bring something, and I’m actually atrocious at any kind of baking. So, I had been making cookies in advance to get it down right, and as I was, I told myself I was putting off breaking up with her because I was being kind. Because she’d be upset to be dumped right before the holidays and would have to explain that to her family. But I think that was me rationalizing. It wasn’t a selfless act at all; it was me being greedy. Me avoiding loneliness during the holidays.”

  “Wow…” Emily mumbled. “Liz, I’m really sorry you had to deal with that,” she reached out and grabbed my hand. “I’m sorry that you still have to deal with this.”

  I could feel myself beginning to tear up, and I looked away from her instinctively. “Yeah, it’s fine,” I mumbled.

  “No.” She grabbed my head and tilted it toward hers. “Seriously, Liz, I’m so sorry.”

  Without even thinking, I could feel my body falling into hers. Like, I was just curving into her without thinking, craving the comfort I hadn’t had in so long.

  And she absolutely responded. She curled her hand around my head and began stroking my hair, softly and carefully. It set off a warmth in me that I hadn’t felt in years, maybe longer.

  We sat like that for a few moments, just curled up in one another, savoring the moment.

  She didn’t try to kiss me again this time. She didn’t make a move to do anything but continue to comfort me. We didn’t speak for minutes, but it was Emily that broke the silence.

  “It’s your ex, isn’t it?” she asked suddenly.

  I had no idea what she was talking about. “What do you mean? What’s my ex?”

  “She’s the reason you aren’t willing to do anything more with me. She’s the reason you pulled away when I went to kiss you. Because, I mean, I think it’s clear that you actually like me. I don’t think that’s the problem.”

  “No, no, I do really like you,” I admitted, “that’s not the problem at all. Trust me, I actually have quite a big crush on you.”

  “But your ex…”

  “No,” I interrupted her, “it’s not her, either. I meant what I said, I am not hung up on her. I think the only reason I wanted to stay with her truly was because I was lonely and it was the holidays… but no, it’s not her.”

  “So, what is it?” she asked. “I’m sorry if that’s blunt. I know I should probably at least pretend to be hesitant to be this blunt. But, we’ve been so honest with each other thus far. I don’t see the point in beating around the bush.”

  “You’re right,” I acknowledged. “Let’s just continue to be honest with one another. Your bluntness isn’t bothering me. I guess it’s just that…”

  After everything I’d said, this should have been easy to share. And, yet, I was stalling.

  “What is it? Spit it out?” she nudged me.

  “I’m scared.”

  “Scared of what?” she asked, as she brushed my hair out of my eyes.

  “I’m already dealing with a break-up, and I tend to get attached to people really easily. I’m scared to hook up with you, to do something with you, and then end up liking you more than I intended. Then when this weekend ends it’s just… over.”

  She laughed. “Is that all? Well, I’m not so sure you’ll get that hung up on me. I’m not as great as I look,” she said in a self-deprecating manner.

  “No, that’s the problem, though. I’m pretty positive that I will, in fact, get very attached to you. I already am starting to feel it… from the first evening I spent with you, I had feelings. I am drawn to you, like there is some kind of magnetic connection here. I can’t explain it.”

  “I feel the same way. And, unlike you, I don’t get easily attached. But you are just… so damn likeable!” she laughed.

  I couldn’t help but smile. “And I genuinely am happy to hear that you’re interested in me, too, on the one hand. But, on the other hand, I’m still so nervous to get hurt. This weekend is all we have, you know? And then it’s back to our own lives, back to our own worlds.”

  I was lying on her chest, and I could feel her shrug. “How can you be sure? How do you know? I mean, the fact that I’m equally attached to you… doesn’t that say something to you, too? Like, maybe this won’t be just a hook-up?”

  “But, how can that be true?” I asked. “Like, yes, maybe you like me, too. But, at the end of the day, we’re still strangers. We may be strangers having a beautiful moment, a brilliant weekend together, but when all is said and done, we’ll go back to our lives on Monday.”

  “Why should we have to?” she asked. “If I like you, if you like me, if we feel this is more serious than a fling, why shouldn’t it be? I mean, we only live forty-five minutes away from each other, right?”

  “I suppose…” I hadn’t really thought about that. In my head, we never could be together because she was on vacation, and I never could do a long-distance thing. But I guess forty-five minutes away wasn’t really long distance, was it?

  “Maybe this is more than just one beautiful weekend spent together. Maybe this is the start of something serious, something real between us. Maybe this is the start of a life-long relationship.”

  “Life-long?!” I laughed. “You know me for twenty-four hours, and now you’re guessing that I might be a life-long partner for you?!”

  She laughed, too. “No, no, I’m definitely not assuming that. But, I do know one thing.”

  “And what’s that?” I asked, looking up at her.

  “That I’ve never felt like this for anyone else. Not this quickly after meeting. I’ve never felt this kind of pull toward someone. And I’m not someone who usually thinks with my emotions, but… yeah, this feels like something more to me. It really, really does.”

  I had butterflies in my stomach. I hadn’t even allowed myself this line of thinking. The idea that maybe we could be together, and I might not get my heart broken, that hadn’t even popped in my head. I came into this purely with the assumption that my feelings for her would lead to heartbreak.

  But why should I feel like that? Because all my relationships before had ended in heartbreak? So what? Maybe this time it would be different. Maybe Emily would be the one to break the cycle.

  And even though I hardly knew her, too, it did feel like she could be. Although I do usually fall hard for people, it never had felt like this before. I’d never been this comfortable with someone I had just met. I don’t know. This just somehow felt… deeper. It was hard to put my finger on. But this was something more, I was sure of it.

  “I’m easily hurt, though,” I admitted to her, since I’d admitted everything else already. “You understand that? The lack of love that I get outside of my relationships in my life… well, it makes me feel way too deeply. I’ve felt things for women who were total shit to me. So, I don’t see how I’m not going to end up deeply hurt if anything goes wrong with you.”

  “Look, I’m no diff
erent,” she told me. “I may not be too emotional of a person, but I don’t get involved with people lightly. I have to really like someone to want to jump into a relationship. And, already, I feel like you’re going to be worth that. I won’t go into this casually, either, believe me.”

  I laughed. “This is kind of weird, isn’t it?”

  “What do you mean?” she asked.

  “I don’t know. Just, you and me, this thing we’re doing. This weird connection we have, it’s all… it’s really odd, isn’t it? It feels like genuinely very weird.”

  “Not going to lie, it is. I’ve been thinking about that since you got here, but especially since we almost kissed. My feelings for you… just, ugh, they make no sense. And I’m the kind of girl who likes to make sense.”

  “Is this one of those, like, love at first sight situations?” I asked her.

  “I don’t know,” she shrugged. “I kind of don’t think so, though. Considering when I first saw you, I wanted to smash your head in with a lamp.”

  I busted up laughing. Holy shit, I’d completely forgotten about that!

  “Yeah, what the hell was that about?!” I asked.

  “I thought you were a burglar! And/or a murderer/rapist,” she laughed back. “Okay, yes, it was a little dramatic, but you watch someone enter into a house without being invited, and you tell me if your brain doesn’t automatically go to murderer.”

  “Uh, I’m kind of positive it wouldn’t,” I teased her.

  “Yeah, well, whatever. I’m proud of myself for grabbing that lamp. I was totally ready to defend myself, even though I had, like, no actual weapons.”

  “Yeah, you know, I can’t deny it. You’d probably do pretty well with that lamp. I mean, it seems hard enough.”

  “It was sturdy!” she agreed, before cringing. “God, can you imagine if I’d actually hit you with it?”

  “Yeahhh… I’m thinking maybe we wouldn’t have ended up in this situation. Pretty sure lamp-in-the-face ruins any chances of love at first sight. I may be kind of cute normally, but probably not so much with a bloody nose and two black eyes.”