by Cathy Sharp
Armistice Day started quietly. We were out early, mingling with the people who had come prepared to celebrate. There was an air of anticipation but it was as if everyone was holding their breath; then, at the appointed time, church bells started to ring out all over London and suddenly the streets were full of cheering people. Boys rode their bikes hooting horns and ringing bells, flags were waved and everyone who could crowded into the square in front of the palace to cheer the royal family.
The war was now officially over and the country went mad with joy. People were dancing in the streets, parties springing up all over the place. Children ran wild, shouting that the Kaiser was beat and shooting imaginary Germans.
Billy hugged me, grinning in the way I had always liked. When he was happy like this he was a very attractive man, and I thought that perhaps we might be happy together after all.
‘It’s all over, Kathy love. It’s all over.’
‘Yes, I know. I’m so happy, Billy. I’m glad you won’t have to go away again.’
‘Are yer?’ He looked at me hard.
‘You know I wouldn’t have married you if I hadn’t cared about you, would I?’
‘I don’t know.’ He frowned. ‘But you’re me wife, Kathy, and there ain’t no changin’ it.’
‘I don’t want to change it, Billy. You’ve been good to me – and I’ll be a good wife to you. I want us to be happy together.’
He nodded but didn’t say anything. That night he was gentle and tender as he took me, and I slept in his arms.
It was our last night at the hotel and I prayed that we would be like this when we got home. And yet at the back of my mind lurked a nagging fear of what might happen when Billy discovered I was pregnant. Would he instantly suspect that the child wasn’t his?
Billy found a job on the docks almost as soon as we got back. It wasn’t just luck as Maggie told me, though Billy didn’t know he’d had help behind the scenes.
‘Don’t tell him, Kathy,’ Maggie warned as we sat over a cup of tea one morning when the men had gone to work. Billy and I had been home a couple of days and this was the first chance we’d had for a sit down and a chat. ‘But Joe Robinson got Billy that job. It wasn’t his company but he’s got influence with the boss, if you know what I mean?’
‘Yes, I do, Maggie, but I shan’t say a word to Billy. He’s very proud of getting that job with more than twenty others after it.’
‘He would never have asked Joe for help himself. I had a word with Bridget. She only has to drop a hint to Joe and he does the rest. Worships the ground she walks on, that man does.’
‘He is a good man. Bridget is lucky.’
‘She nearly married Ernie, you know. At least she might have done if he hadn’t got in with Grace when he did. It was Bridget he wanted but he did what he thought was right. Besides, she wouldn’t have had him if she believed he’d got another girl in trouble. We all thought you were Ernie’s at the start – except for your gran. She never did believe it.’
‘You don’t know who my real father might have been?’ I took a deep breath as I waited for her answer.
‘No idea, love. It might have been one of several. Only your mother could tell you that for sure, if she knew herself.’ Maggie shook her head as she saw my expression. ‘It might have been Ernie. He certainly thought it at the time.’ She pulled a wry face. ‘You don’t owe him much, Kathy. There’s no need for you to go there unless you like?’
I had been keeping my promise to clean and cook since my return from honeymoon. So far I’d only seen Ernie for a moment as he left the house one morning, and we hadn’t spoken to each other.
‘I’ve said I’ll do a bit for him, Maggie. You keep this house as neat as a pin, and I’ve plenty of time after I’ve done the washing and ironing.’
We had agreed that I would do the laundry, making things easier for Maggie. She was teaching me to cook dishes I’d never attempted before and I made the bed in Billy’s and my room each morning, but Maggie had her own way of cleaning and there was no point in my getting under her feet all the time.
‘You know your own business best,’ she said. ‘You may change your mind when the babies start to come, but that’s up to you, love.’
A chill ran down my spine as I wondered if she had guessed my secret, but she was smiling at me and I realized that it was just my guilty conscience punishing me again. My guilty secret hung over me like some mythical sword of ancient lore, waiting to fall.
I knew that it was only a matter of time until I began to show my condition. How long would it be before Billy or Maggie became suspicious?
We had been married for exactly a month when it happened. I was undressing for bed and Billy came into the room as I stood there in my shift. I knew that the swell of my belly must be noticeable. In the dark in bed I’d thought he hadn’t noticed but now he was staring at me and there was an angry glint in his eyes.
‘How far gone are you – two months?’
His tone was so cold that a shiver ran through me. I knew that I could not avoid the inevitable confrontation any longer.
‘Billy … I wanted to tell you when I was sure.’
‘Don’t try to lie, Kathy. I knew you’d been with someone else on our wedding night. Yer knew yer were ’avin’ a kid when yer married me.’
I was trembling as I turned to face him. ‘Yes, I did. I’m sorry, Billy. I should’ve told you straight away – when you spoke about us getting married. I did try later but you and Maggie were so pleased over the wedding I couldn’t bring myself to hurt you.’
‘Don’t give me any rubbish! Yer thought I were a mug and wouldn’t know any better.’
‘It wasn’t like that …’
He crossed the room and grabbed my wrist, twisting my arm behind my back and holding it tight as he glared down at me. I caught a faint whiff of strong drink on his breath.
‘Don’t lie or you’ll be sorry, Kathy. Who was it – and how many times did it happen?’
‘I–I don’t know how many times. I’d had too much to drink and – and they raped me. I think there were two or perhaps three of them. It was at a dance … they were soldiers.’ My eyes filled with tears as he jerked my arm up. ‘That hurts, Billy. Please don’t hurt me. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I was ashamed.’
That much at least was true. I had been ashamed to tell the truth – and I was even more ashamed now.
‘They raped you – three of them?’ Billy stared down at me, letting go of my arm abruptly. I turned away from him, covering my face with my hands as I wept. I didn’t need to pretend. I was desperately ashamed of what I’d done and of my lies. Billy hadn’t deserved this! I ought to have told him the truth even now, but I was caught in a web and the more I struggled the more enmeshed I became. ‘I’ll kill the buggers. Tell me their names and I’ll kill them all.’
‘I don’t know.’ I was scared now. Billy was furious, his eyes glittering. I remembered the night he had fought Sam Cotton in the dance hall and I knew he might be capable of anything. ‘I told you. I’d had a few drinks. It was hot and I went outside. They grabbed me and … I don’t remember what happened next.’
‘You’re tellin’ me the truth?’
I looked up then, believing that my marriage depended on what happened next.
‘I’m so ashamed, Billy. I wanted to tell you, really I did. I know I’ve done wrong by you. If you want me to I’ll leave – go away and have the baby. You can just forget me.’
‘No! I just want the truth.’ He studied my face. ‘You were so ready for me that first night. I knew I wasn’t the first with you, but if you were raped …?’
‘I don’t remember it, Billy. I was unconscious most of the time. I’d had a lot to drink on our wedding night. I thought it was going to hurt like the first time. When it didn’t I was so grateful to you.’
He was obviously suspicious. I could see he wasn’t sure whether to believe me or not. I was ashamed of lying to him, but I couldn’t tell him about Tom, I just
couldn’t.
‘You’ve hurt me, Kathy. I loved yer.’
‘Don’t hate me, Billy. I’ll be a good wife to you – or I’ll go away.’
‘I don’t want yer ter leave. I’d look a bloody fool in front of me mates then – can’t keep a wife five minutes. No, you stay ’ere and I’ll live with it, but if I ever catch yer makin’ eyes at another bloke I’ll kill yer both.’
‘You won’t, Billy. I promise you. I’ll never let you down.’
‘You hadn’t better,’ he warned and I went cold all over as I saw the expression in his eyes. ‘If I ever find out you’ve lied to me about this you’ll wish you’d never been born.’
I sat down on the edge of the bed as Billy went out. My knees had turned to jelly and I was terrified. I had lied to him and I knew he would never forgive me.
The scalding tears burst from me as I lay on the bed and gave vent to my misery. What a fool I had been! I had made one terrible mistake after the other, compounding my sins.
I should never have agreed to marry Billy. Once that was done I was trapped. My shaming lies had piled one on the other burying me under a mountain of deceit.
I could never have told Billy the truth, that was impossible – but instead of marrying him and being forced into that wicked lie I should have gone off somewhere to have my child. There were places that would have taken me in and then adopted the baby – or I might have tried to pass myself off as a widow and kept my child. The choice would have been entirely mine.
I knew now what I ought to have done but it was too late. Far too late.
It was three days before Billy touched me again, and when he did he hurt me deliberately. I turned away from him afterwards, crying silently into my pillow after he had fallen asleep.
He’d had too much to drink that night. In fact he’d come home drunk for two nights in a row, causing Maggie to berate him for it the next day.
‘That’s no behaviour for a man just married,’ she told him. ‘If you’re not careful Kathy will go off and leave you.’
‘I don’t think she’ll do that,’ Billy said bitterly. ‘She knows where she’s well off.’
After that he flung out of the house, leaving a silence between Maggie and me. I had no alternative but to tell her the same lies I’d told Billy. By the time I finished I was weeping from shame – the shame of being a cheat and a liar.
Maggie gathered me into her arms, holding me until I was quiet. ‘You should have told him, Kathy. I know my Billy. He worships you. He would have stood by you, but he had the right to know first.’
‘I’m so ashamed, Maggie. If I could go back …’
She would never know how desperately I wished I could go back to the beginning. If I had only walked away that day. If I had said no when Billy asked me to marry him, but of course he hadn’t asked. He had told me I was going to marry him, and I had let him lead me further into the trap that my marriage had become.
‘If I could put things right, I would. Believe me, Maggie. I regret what I’ve done so much.’
‘We all think that when we make mistakes – and we none of us can.’ She handed me a handkerchief from the pile of clean washing. ‘Dry your eyes, lass. There’s no point in cryin’ over spilt milk. What’s done is done. Billy will learn to live with it and so must you.’
‘I want to make it up to him. What can I do, Maggie? I’m so sorry for hurting him – for hurting both of you.’ I was hurting inside myself, but at that moment the guilt was uppermost – the guilt and the shame of what I had done.
‘It doesn’t matter about me. Billy is badly hurt. There’s no denyin’ it – but if you care for him you’ll accept his mistakes. He’ll lash out at you when he feels pain, but then he’ll be sorry. You’ll either have to live with him the way he is or leave him.’
As I looked into Maggie’s eyes I knew she thought I’d lied but she was still prepared to be my friend. If I went away I should miss her, miss the companionship and the friendship.
‘I want to stay here, Maggie. I’ve nowhere else to go … no one I can talk to the way I talk to you.’
She looked at me in silence for what seemed several minutes, and then she nodded her head as if making up her mind.
‘Then you know what you have to do, Kathy.’
Seven
‘You look tired, Kathy – aren’t you sleeping well?’ Bridget looked at me in concern as I entered the corner shop that Friday afternoon. She often helped with the orders at the end of the week and was standing behind the counter checking through the tins of biscuits and Coleman’s mustard stacked on the shelves at the back. ‘You’re like me, love. I got really big with both my boys, though Amy was no trouble, bless her.’
‘I’ll have a half a pound of those cream biscuits while you’re there, please Bridget. Billy likes those.’ I checked my purse to see whether I would have enough for all my purchases. ‘I want cheese, eggs and bacon too, please. How is Amy anyway? Will she be home from school soon?’
‘She’s got another year to go before she’s back for good, and then she might go on to that fancy art school I was telling you about, but she’ll come for the holidays.’ Bridget weighed the cheese, giving me an extra bit for my money as she always did. ‘I had a letter from Tom this morning. He’s been in Paris for some months but he says he’s coming back soon – and he’ll be flying. Courtesy of the Military, of course.’
In February passengers had flown to London from Paris, but because of a ban on civilians flying they had all been Military personnel. There was talk of a civilian service in the near future, but I thought it must be dangerous and my heart caught with fright for Tom.
‘Is that safe – flying all that way?’
‘Tom says it is. He flew during the war, of course. He has been working out there …’ She hesitated for a moment. ‘I think he went out there to see a specialist last winter. His chest was bad and he was worried that his old trouble might have returned.’
‘Tom was ill?’ My throat felt tight and for a moment as the room seemed to spin, I thought I might faint. I clutched at the counter to steady myself and Bridget looked alarmed. ‘Please, you must tell me. Has he been very ill?’
‘Tom?’ She seemed surprised by the question. ‘He wasn’t at all well, Kathy. He had influenza just after he went back to the hospital – after your gran’s funeral – and he was admitted to a special unit somewhere in the country. They were a bit worried about him. If you recall there were a lot of people dying with it back then, and Tom having had a weak chest when he was young … Well, it did go to his chest and he was unwell for several weeks. I had no idea, of course. Tom never tells anyone that he isn’t well. It’s silly but I think it’s because he had to go away when he was a lad. Anyway, he had a persistent cough afterwards so he went to see a friend of his in France and he told him there was nothing to worry about.’
Tom had been ill for several weeks and I hadn’t even known. I was feeling sick inside, my eyes burning with the tears I could not shed in front of Tom’s sister. No one must know how the news of his illness had affected me.
Somehow I took a grip on myself, changing the subject.
‘Did your Joe get to watch the football match the other day? Billy was pleased that Chelsea managed to beat Fulham 3–0 and win the London Victory Cup.’
‘No, he was busy,’ Bridget replied, giving me an odd look. ‘You know what Joe is – always doing something.’
She must be wondering why I had changed the subject so abruptly, but I couldn’t bear to hear her talking about Tom being ill, and I had been close to giving myself away.
I paid for my purchases and escaped into the lane, walking blindly, my eyes stinging with tears. Tom had been ill … I had thought he wasn’t interested in making up our quarrel and he had been ill. So ill that he had been taken to a special unit for patients suffering the worst effects of the flu. Why hadn’t anyone at the hospital mentioned it to me? But we had gone to great pains to keep our affair a secret and Ally hadn’t been
there to tell me all the news. Probably no one had thought I would be interested in Dr O’Rourke’s bout of influenza. That still didn’t explain why Tom hadn’t let me know – but perhaps he had thought I didn’t care anymore?
The regrets filled my mind. Why hadn’t I tried to see him? Why hadn’t I written to him sooner? My stupid pride had come between us, and all the time he had been so ill. He might have died and I wouldn’t even have known.
‘Oh, Tom … Tom …’ I whispered. ‘Tom, I love you so.’
I was overwhelmed by unhappiness. It felt as if someone had taken a knife and plunged it deep into my heart. What must Tom be thinking, feeling? My letter coming on top of his illness must have made him angry, bitter. If I’d been able to talk to him, to tell him that I still loved him. And yet if his elder brother was my father …?
My thoughts turned full circle as they always did when I allowed myself to remember and regret. How could I ever have told Tom that his brother might possibly be my father? No, no, it was better as it was … better that he should never know. He would be upset but he would also feel ashamed, guilty. No, I could never force him to carry that shame.
Yet I knew that if I could go back I would not make the same mistakes again. I would not marry Billy Ryan. I had learned the bitterness of my folly.
Billy’s temper had become increasingly worse as the months passed and the evidence of my pregnancy became more noticeable. He hadn’t been near me in bed for months, lying as far away from my side as he possibly could, his back towards me.
Sometimes when he looked at me I thought I could see hatred in his eyes, and yet at others he would laugh and tease me almost in his old way. But he was never that way when we were alone. Most nights he had been drinking heavily when he came to bed, and he never spent an evening at home if he could help it. There was no more talk of finding us a home of our own and Billy gave me only a few shillings out of his wages to buy our food.
Maggie remonstrated with him sometimes.
