by Tyler Grey
Betty was a tall woman, with a kind face. Her brown hair was tied up into a bun, and a few strands fell around her face. She smiled when she saw me and took me to her office. I wasn’t sure what to expect. From the movies, I almost expected to lie down on a sofa while she talked, but I was glad to see that her office was a simple one. I took a seat at the chair in front of her desk.
“It’s lovely to meet you, Paisley. Thanks for coming to see me today.”
“Thanks for having me. I… This… This is new to me. I’ve never done this before.”
“That’s okay. Even people who come here all the time had to start off with that one first meeting. It’s always a little strange the first time around, but if you’d like to come again after this, you’ll see that it does get a lot easier. You’re not expected to do or say anything you don’t want to. I’m here to help, and I’m here to listen. And, that’s really all counseling is. It’s a way to express some emotions that you’re battling to get out.”
“That sounds good,” I said timidly.
“Would you like to talk me through why you’re here? Sometimes it’s best to just start at the heart of the problem.”
I nodded. “I…uh… My mom died.”
“I’m sorry to hear that, Paisley.”
“Last week. I’m… I’m battling to come to terms with it. She died in a car accident with her new husband. I was on my way home with his son. I… We…” I wasn’t sure quite how to explain what Henry was to me.
“I work for him,” I said eventually. “We’re…friends, I guess. Anyway, we were on our way home, and that’s when we saw the cop car. The police officer… He…” I stopped and took a few breaths. “He told us what happened. We had to identify the bodies. It was the worst day of my life. My mother… She was the most amazing woman ever. I hate saying ‘was.’ I hate speaking about her in the past tense.” I shook my head. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get so emotional so quickly.”
“Don’t ever apologize for anything, Paisley. That is awful news. It’s something nobody should have to go through. Were you living with her?”
“Yeah. I actually just moved back home. I got a job with Henry — uh, my mother’s new husband’s son — and I was going to save until I had enough to find my own place. I have never seen my mother so happy. Duncan was good for her. She was good for him. They were so happy. I never thought she’d have that again…”
“Tell me about your father,” Betty said.
I didn’t usually speak much about my father. It wasn’t something I was used to doing. It was one of those things I tried not to talk about because it was so hard. It had gotten a little easier over the years, but it all just seemed like a cruel joke now. Instead of feeling sad, I felt angry. I could feel the heat rising to my face as I spoke about him. If there was a punching bag in the office, I would’ve gone right over and hit it.
“My father died a few years ago. In a damn car accident. Isn’t that just ridiculous? He and my mom were very much in love. He was her childhood sweetheart. My mom was meant to be in that car with him, but she’d gotten delayed at work and had stayed behind. I remember thinking after how fate had kept her with me. Now I’m not so sure. I loved my father very much.”
“I’m so sorry, Paisley. And, how did you feel when she remarried?”
“Shocked. I mean, she didn’t tell anyone about it. I didn’t even know she was seeing anyone. Suddenly there’s a man in my house that I had never met before, and they’re holding hands and declaring their love for one another. It was surprising, to say the least.
“But I was happy for her. She deserved to be happy. I never wanted her to stay alone forever. I just never thought she would find someone again. But she did. She found Duncan. He wasn’t my father, nor was he pretending to be. They were happy, and she was smiling and laughing again like she used to. I was happy for her.”
“You’re a good daughter, Paisley. Your mom should be proud of you.”
Fresh tears ran down my face. “I haven’t spoken about my father in a very long time. I didn’t think… I didn’t want…” I didn’t even know what I was trying to say anymore. “I’m sorry. I thought my tears had dried up. I don’t know what to do with myself. How am I going to go on?”
“You will go on. You’re doing great. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but you are. I’ve spoken to many people during their grief. There are stages that you go through, but you’ll do them all in your own time. Everyone is different. There is no right or wrong. So just go with the motions. If you want to cry, cry. If you want to scream, scream. If you want to laugh, laugh. Don’t feel ashamed.”
We spoke for a little bit longer. I moved from feeling sad to anger throughout the conversation, but I knew it was normal to feel this way. It was hard to constantly think about what had happened, but at the same time, it felt good to speak about it. I liked Betty, and I liked having someone to talk things through with. It was different from speaking to Henry or speaking to Olive.
When we stood up, I shook her hand. I almost reached over and hugged her, but I refrained myself. If I hugged her, I would probably cry, and I was tired of crying. My face felt swollen from all the tears.
“Thank you for letting me talk,” I said to her. “I’m surprised at how much it helped. I thought it would help, but I didn’t think it would be quite this much.” I almost apologized for all the crying again, but I remembered that she had told me to stop apologizing.
“It’s my pleasure, Paisley. You’re doing a great job. You really are. And, I’m so sorry about everything that has happened to you. Would you like to meet again?”
I nodded. “I would.”
“Good. I’d like to talk to you again. Why don’t we meet twice a week? You can make an appointment at the front desk.”
“That would be nice. Thank you.”
I sent Henry a message when I was done, telling him that the meeting had gone well and that I appreciated him making me the appointment. He seemed pleased to hear I would be going twice a week. I wondered how things were going at work. It couldn’t be easy to have all those people around him, telling him how sorry they were. Although, maybe he was grateful for the distraction.
When I got home, I was all alone, and the house felt big and lonely. I walked around for a while, not knowing what to do with myself. I wanted Henry to come home, but I didn’t want to ask him. I thought of calling Olive, but I didn’t want to bother her, either. I didn’t want to be a burden on anyone. So I continued to pace the house.
Eventually, I made my way to my mother’s room again. I kept telling myself not to go in there, but I constantly felt myself ending up there as if there was some sort of force pulling me in. I found my her favorite sweater, and I put it on. It was a ridiculous sweater. We’d all teased her about it because it was so old and frayed, but she loved it. It still smelled like her, and I could understand now why she had loved it so much. It felt like I was getting a hug from her. I saw her favorite mug sitting by the windowsill. I went to the kitchen to rinse it out and then made myself some tea. I went back to her room, sat on her bed, and drank out of her mug.
Perhaps I was making things worse for myself, but I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to do everything and anything to feel close to her again. “I miss you, Mom,” I said as I put the cup down and crawled under the covers.
Chapter Twenty-Four
Henry
I woke up to the sound of the alarm blaring. It was the first time using it since the accident, but Paisley and I had both agreed that we would try and have our first “normal” day. Normal meant that we were both going to wake up early and go to work together. It would be Paisley’s first day back at work, and I was a bit worried about her.
Going to the counselor seemed to be helping, but not quickly enough. She only really seemed okay once she’d seen the counselor, but it didn’t seem to last. Soon she’d go back to the way she was before, or worse. Paisley walked around like a ghost most of the time. Like a shell of the person she w
as before. When the alarm went off, I went to wake her up and then took a shower. But when I got out of the shower, I saw that she was still in bed.
“Paisley, you don’t have to come today,” I said to her. “If you want to stay here, I totally understand. You really don’t have to do this. You don’t have to try and be strong. I will understand. I promise you.”
She shook her head. “No. I want to come,” she said. “I’m sorry. I fell asleep again without realizing it. I’m awake now. I’ll be quick to get ready. I do want to come to work today. I want that normal day, like we said.”
“There’s no rush,” I said to her. “I’ll get us some breakfast.”
“Okay.”
I went to the kitchen to prepare some breakfast for us. I’d gone to the grocery store for the first time the day before, and I’d stocked up. I’d bought a lot of easy food so that neither one of us had to worry too much about cooking. Our freezer was packed with readymade meals that we simply had to heat up in the microwave. I was going to do my best to keep things as simple and as easy as possible for us.
I smothered some peanut butter and jelly on toast for her and made some coffee. When she came down, she looked a little bit better. She’d washed her hair, and the effect made her look a little bit more like her old self.
“You look nice,” I said to her.
She smiled sadly and took a seat. She touched her hair. “I’m sorry. I’ve been walking around with dirty hair for ages. I didn’t even realize.”
“You’re sorry because you didn’t wash your hair?” I said. “Goodness, Paisley, you don’t have to say sorry for something like that. Do you feel better?”
“A little. Thank you. I’m looking forward to today, actually.”
“You are?”
“Yeah, I am. I think I need to do this. I can’t stay here by myself anymore. It’s driving me a little insane.”
“Yeah, I didn’t think I wanted to go back to work, but when I was there, I realized how good it was to have something to occupy my mind. There’s a lot of work to be done, and I’ve never been more grateful for it.
“Just be prepared, Paisley. People are going to come up to you and offer you their condolences. It took all of my willpower not to shout at them and tell them to leave me alone. Trust me, it’s all I wanted to do, but I knew they were only trying to help. They might tiptoe around you, too. It took me a while to get used to it. People are slowly starting to treat me the same as before, but it’s taking time.” I needed her to be prepared for work. It took me a while to get used to the looks of pity on everyone’s faces — she had to know what she was about to face.
She nodded. “Thanks for the warning. I figured everyone was going to be a bit strange with me.”
“They’ll probably leave you alone for the most part. But, uh, I just wanted you to be prepared. Will you come and see me in the office if you need to escape?”
“I will. Thanks, Henry.”
We went to work together. Neither of us saw the point in going in separate cars. Also, other than going to the counselor, I think Paisley felt uncomfortable driving. It obviously made her think about what had happened to our parents. It was something that I thought of, too, but always tried not to. I knew it wasn’t going to help either of us if I started thinking in that way.
I tried not to think about how much I had wanted to drive in with her before. I couldn’t think about her in that way anymore, although every now and again the thoughts crept back. I wondered if she would feel the same when she got to work that day. After all, the last time she had been in my office was when we’d kissed. I pushed the thought aside. There was simply too much to think about.
When we walked in, I saw a few people’s eyes widen at the sight of Paisley. Grief always made other people uncomfortable. A few people came up to hug her, but for the most part, people seemed to leave her alone. She took it well. She smiled, thanked them, and carried on with her work.
I prepared myself for the worst when I saw Jessica approach. If Jessica was rude to her, I would fire her on the spot. But, from what I could tell, she was just offering her condolences. That gave me some relief, at least. Jessica was the person I had been most worried about. I refused to let anyone get in the way of Paisley’s recovery.
I went to my office and got to work. I would stick my head out every now and again to check on Paisley, but I didn’t want to make it too obvious. Sometimes I walked out and pretended to do something just so that I could see how she was doing. She didn’t seem to notice me, though. I knew she had a long list of emails to read, and I was surprised at how fast she was going through them.
I thought the work might be a bit too much for her, but she was obviously using it to help her through her grief. She worked harder and faster than ever before, and she didn’t even take a break for lunch. I put a sandwich from the café at her desk in the early hours of the afternoon when I realized that she hadn’t moved from her desk, and I was happy to see that she ate it.
I could see that she was just going through the motions, but it was probably good that she was getting out again. Today was perhaps the first day toward getting better. Things would never be the same, but they would get better. Eventually.
I was going to call her into the office to make sure she was okay, but I decided not to. I didn’t want her to think I was watching her all day or worried about her. I let her do her work and set to doing mine. I’d had a bit of experience working at the company without my father, and I’d done well, but it felt different now. Before, I always knew that I could go to him if I needed help or if I was stuck on something. Now I had nobody to turn to. I had to rely on my own judgments from here on out. I missed having him around to bounce ideas with.
The worst was getting emails from people who didn’t know that he had passed away. I’d get emails that said, “Dear Duncan,” and my heart would drop. I’d have to send them all a polite email to tell them what had happened and to inform them that they would be working with me from here on out. Then would come the emails saying how sorry they were, and I’d grit my teeth as I tried not to cry.
Paisley had cried a lot. I wasn’t much of a crier, although I knew it wasn’t a good thing. I was holding everything inside, while trying to be braver than I really was. If there was one thing I didn’t feel, it was brave. Every now and again a tear would force its way out of me, and I’d wipe it away with the back of my hand.
Eventually, I walked over to Paisley’s desk and told her that we were going home. She nodded, switched off the computer, and followed me. We climbed into the car and exchanged a few words about the day. Once we were home, we moved around the house, not doing anything and not saying much at all. Then, I heated up some of the readymade meals, and we sat together in the living room to eat.
“How are you feeling?” I asked her.
She shrugged. “Fine. You?”
“I’m okay. It’s hard. I keep thinking that it’s going to get better, but I’m not sure if it is. I’m grateful for the job. It’s something to clear my mind, which is good. But you’re doing well, Paisley; you’re doing very well.”
She nodded. “Yeah.”
“Enjoying the meal?” It was some butter chicken curry that was surprisingly better than I thought it would be. Of course, it was nothing like the meals Myra used to make…but nothing would ever come close to that again.
She nodded. “It’s nice.”
I sighed. Paisley wasn’t talking much anymore. Every day, she seemed to retreat into herself more and more. She was quiet and spoke to me only when I spoke to her. Her answers were always short and polite.
I hoped that she would get better and that this phase wouldn’t last forever. I missed the way she used to be. The way she used to joke with me and tease me. I missed her fiery temper. I didn’t want to flirt with her anymore; I just wanted to have a conversation with her. I just wanted her to be okay. That was the only thing that was important to me now. I tried to talk to her a bit more, but she wasn’t giving
me much. Eventually, I asked if she wanted to watch a movie, and she agreed.
I kept glancing at her, and I could see that she wasn’t really watching. The parts that were funny didn’t elicit even a small laugh from her. The sad parts made her look away. For the most part, she just stared at the screen, as if she were watching something else altogether.
After the movie ended, we made our separate ways to our bedrooms. I lay there, unable to sleep. I heard her get out of bed and knew that she was making her way back to our parents’ room. It was where I found her every morning. She always went to bed in her own room, with the intention of staying there, but she always moved to their room at some stage in the night. I could hear her crying, her soft sobs muffled behind the door.
I sighed. I thought about going to comfort her, but I wasn’t sure if she would want me to. I would have to speak to the counselor about this. I wasn’t sure if it was such a good thing that she was sleeping in their room. What if it was stopping her from moving on? I felt so sad that night. Sad that I had lost my father. Sad that I had lost Myra. Sad that I had lost Paisley. Nothing seemed important anymore.
Chapter Twenty-Five
Paisley
I’d always been quite a stable person. I wasn’t the sort of girl who moved between my emotions with ease. I didn’t jump from being excited to being sad. I had always prided myself on being so emotionally steady.
