“Candi with an I. You know, at the end of the name. The beginning starts with a C. C-A-N-D-I. Candi,” she said as she giggled. Then she tossed her hair over her shoulder. “That’s me,” and she giggled again.
Oh, Lord, please save me now. This was such a bad idea. I didn’t think I could take five more minutes of this, let alone a whole dinner.
I smiled politely and took a seat. “So, what sounds good for dinner tonight?”
“Well, normally I don’t choose my dinner based on the noise it makes, but that is definitely an interesting way to choose.” Say what? What was she talking about? “Let’s see now, a pig makes a snorting sound and that’s just annoying so let’s skip that. Let’s see. Hmmm. What else is there?” I was staring at her with wide eyes and an open mouth. No way was she serious.
“Well, I suppose cows don’t sound too bad. We could have steak or hamburgers. Ooh, what about pork chops!”
“That’s a pig.” She made a face and waved her hand in front of her face.
“Let’s skip it then. Ooh. We could have chicken. Now, is there a difference between a chicken and a rooster when you eat it? Because I don’t really like to be woken up by roosters in the morning, so that sound is definitely out for tonight.”
I took out my phone and hit record. If I was going to suffer through this, I was going to make sure the guys heard it. That way when I beat the shit out of Logan, they would understand why.
“Do fish make any noise? I guess we wouldn’t be able to hear it since they’re underwater. Maybe that’s the way to go tonight. They make the least amount of sound, so I choose fish as my sound for tonight!” She snapped her menu closed and looked at me triumphantly.
The waiter stopped by to take our drink orders and I ordered us wine. I really wanted something stronger, but even I knew that getting hammered on a date was bad form. Still, I was going to need alcohol to get through the night.
“So, Jack. Tell me what you do.”
“I’m a mechanic.”
“No way! You work on robots? That is so cool. Ya know, my brother loved robots when we were little and he’s like twice as smart as me,” so still pretty stupid, I thought. “We all knew that he was going places. Ya know, he was always a deep thinker. He could sit down with a calculator and just come up with all the answers to the math problems. He just knew what he was doing, ya know? Anyway, he got involved with drugs and now he’s on the streets somewhere.”
“That’s…interesting.” I wasn’t sure what was a safe topic to talk about. It appeared she didn’t really have any clue what she was talking about.
“So, what do you do?” She sat up straight and beamed at me.
“Well, you are never gonna believe this, but I do nails. Ya know, like I paint them. In a salon. See?”
She held up her nails for me to see and wiggled them in front of my face. I hated it when women got all done up and she had the longest, ugliest nails I had ever seen. I didn’t mind if women put some paint on their nails, but these were all sparkly and shit. She looked so proud and I didn’t want to be rude, so I nodded politely and cleared my throat. I had no idea what to say to that.
I started to scratch the stubble of my jaw, trying to come up with something to say. I glanced around the room and saw Harper. She was sitting across from some douchebag with a disgusted look on her face. I wished I could hear what was being said. My date was saying something, but I was too busy trying to figure out what was going on at Harper’s table to listen. Finally, I gave up and brought my attention back to Candi with an I.
“So anyway, I crawled under the table and gave him a blow job and that’s how I met Logan.” I had just taken a sip of wine and now I was choking on it. That shit head set him up with a girl who gives blow jobs under tables. I was going to kick his ass.
The waiter stopped by to take our orders and I didn’t think to order for her. Big mistake.
“Hi Mr. Waiter. I’m Candi with an I and this is my friend, Jack. We’re gonna order food based on the sounds they make. Isn’t that fun?” And then she giggled, again. I glanced at the waiter and he looked like he had stepped into some bad fantasy novel. I shook my head slightly to let him know to just let it go. I hoped he didn’t ask any questions and luckily, Candi continued before he had a chance.
“So, since I’m not in the mood for anything that makes noises, I’m gonna order fish.” She smiled at the waiter and he stared expectantly at her. When she didn’t get it, he explained.
“Miss, I need to know what kind of fish you would like to order.” I tried to interject, but she was too fast.
“You mean like color or mood? Ooh. How exciting! I think a colorful fish would be so much fun, but I don’t really want a fun fish, like his mood, because I don’t want him jumping around my plate.”
“The fish will be dead when it’s served,” the waiter deadpanned.
“Wait, then why are we ordering by sound?” She cocked her head to the side and furrowed her brow. I took in a long, deep breath and blew it out while rubbing a hand over my eyes. Seriously, I was going to kill her or myself before the night was over. Anything to escape this hell.
“Just get us the fastest dish you have.” Then I signaled with two fingers for the waiter to lean down. When he was close enough, I whispered to him, “I will give you a hundred dollars if you can make sure we are out of this restaurant in less than an hour.” The waiter nodded and hurried off to the kitchen.
“Why did you order something fast? Do they serve exotic animals here, like cheetahs and antelope? Ooh, I’m so excited to see what he brings.” She clapped her hands and bounced in her seat.
“Ya know, while we wait, I could crawl under the table like I did for Logan.” I felt her bare foot slide up my leg and then she was playing with my crotch. I shifted suddenly to avoid her foot being anywhere near my dick and nearly pulled the tablecloth off the table. That food better arrive fast.
✯✯✯✯✯
I looked over and saw the contents of Jack’s table almost go flying, for the third time tonight. He looked like he was playing keep away with his date. It made me chuckle and Dr. Dan stopped eating to look at me.
“Did I miss something?”
“Sorry, no. I was just thinking of something funny.”
“You know, you can tell a lot about a person by their feet. Just as you would keep a horse’s feet shooed and maintain those shoes to keep the horse healthy, we also must care for our feet diligently. See a person’s feet provide the life blood for their whole body. For instance,” he reached down and grabbed my foot and slipped my shoe off. I hurried to pry my foot away, but he held on tight. I was more concerned now with keeping my skirt in place so I didn’t flash the whole restaurant. I glanced over and saw Jack laughing at my predicament. Dr. Dan was still talking and I didn’t have a clue what he was saying. There were people staring at us and I was completely mortified. Then, he lifted my foot to his nose, sniffed it, and started to lick my toes. Totally repulsed, I squealed and yanked my foot as hard as I could out of his grasp. Screw modesty, I had to get away from this sicko.
“Gross! What are you doing?”
I knew that my voice was loud, but I didn’t care. This guy was creepy and I couldn’t stay with him to finish dinner. Who licks a person’s toes at the dinner table? Or anywhere? It’s just weird.
“Dan, I appreciate-”
“Dr. Dan,” he interjected.
“Whatever. This has been fun, but not that fun. I’m pretty sure that having someone call you Dr. Dan in a private setting is just to stroke your own ego. Grabbing someone’s foot at the dinner table is inappropriate, and I’m pretty sure I could file a sexual harassment charge against you for licking my foot in a restaurant!”
The whole restaurant was quiet except for Jack, who I could hear snickering at his table. I stood up and stormed out of the restaurant with one shoe on. I could have turned back for it, but it would totally ruin my exit if I went back. I was almost to my car when I heard Jack call my name.
“Harper, wait!”
I turned around and saw Jack running towards me, shoe in hand. He stopped in front of me and we just stared at each other a moment. Then, we both started laughing.
“Here’s your shoe. I take it your date didn’t go well?” I took the shoes and put it back on.
“What gave you that clue? My skirt being hiked up for all the restaurant to see my lady bits or him licking my feet at the table?”
“Well, my date was quite the failure also. Logan set me up with Candi with an I. She thought we were ordering our food based on the sounds the animals make. She also tried to molest me with her foot at dinner.”
“Ah, another foot person. Perhaps we should set up Dr. Dan and Candi with an I.”
“I did. I introduced them before I left.” We stood in silence for a moment, neither knowing where to go from here.
“Harper, I wanted-”
“I need to-“
We both started to speak at the same time.
“Go ahead,” Jack said.
“I need to be honest with you. I’m not really ready to see you yet. I went to England to try to clear my head, but I’m not quite there yet. I tried for nonchalant earlier and I don’t think I really pulled it off. I just need some time to get my head on straight.”
✯✯✯✯✯
Just like that, my hope died. I was hoping to tell her that I had changed my mind. That I was thinking maybe I could have a family, but if she wasn’t in the right frame of mind, she would just end up getting pissed at me. Besides, I needed to be one hundred percent ready, not almost there. I would give her time, but I would also try to find ways to chip away at her in the meantime. I pulled myself together, hoping she didn’t catch the disappointment on my face.
“That’s okay, Harper. I get it. Let me walk you to your car.”
“Thanks.”
“So where did you meet that guy anyway?”
“I met him at the airport when we were getting off the plane. It was a very quick meeting, otherwise I’m sure I would have seen how odd Dr. Dan really is.”
We got to her car and I gave her a quick kiss on the cheek and waited for her to get in and leave. Then I headed to Logan’s. Logan answered the door and got a punch to the face. He wasn’t expecting it and fell backwards.
“Seriously, asshole? Candi with an I? She tried to molest me with her foot during dinner. I ditched dinner halfway through.”
“That was payback.”
“For what?”
“We were supposed to hang out at a bar a couple months ago, but you ditched me because you were all weepy over Harper. Candi wouldn’t shut up. I had to have her crawl under the table to suck me off just to shut her mouth.”
I just stared at him for a minute. “She thought we were ordering off the menu based on the sounds animals make. Then, she thought the food was coming to the table alive.” I shook my head and widened my eyes in disbelief. If I hadn’t been there, I would never have believed it. “That was the worst date ever.”
Logan and I sat down for a beer and I played the recording I had made of Candi with an I. Logan was laughing hysterically by the time it was over. Then I told Logan about Harper’s night. By the time I went home, I was in a considerably better mood. Now I just had to put a plan together for getting Harper back.
✯✯✯✯✯
I was so happy that Drew was waiting up for me when I got home from dinner. The date from hell was bad enough, but seeing Jack was just as bad.
“Hey, how’d the date go?”
“Absolutely horrible.” I told him all about my date and about running into Jack. Drew was trying his hardest not to laugh at my situation.
“Sorry, but it’s pretty funny. That’s just your luck, huh? Having a bad date and running into Jack all in the same night.”
“Yeah, it was kind of strange. It wasn’t as bad as I thought. I didn’t run crying from the restaurant, so I would say that’s progress.”
Everything I had told Jack about needing more time was true, but in fact, I didn’t know if I would ever be able to handle seeing him again. He had been a big part of my life and I didn’t think I would be able to ever let him in again. It would be torture. What if he started dating and actually liked whomever he was dating? I couldn’t handle seeing him fall in love again. It would kill me.
CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
Harper
I spent the next Saturday at Anna’s house. I wanted to give the new mommy a break and spend some time with my goddaughter. Luke was running errands with Sebastian, so it was just the girls.
“So, did going on a date help you any?”
“Not really. I mean, wow, I had it good with Jack. This guy was a nut job. I guess I just have to lower my standards now. What are the odds that I would get another guy as good as Jack?”
“Well, you’re going to have to keep dating if you want to move on. Have you thought about maybe just having a one night stand? Maybe if you get that part over with, it’ll help you move on.”
I blushed furiously because I hadn’t yet told Anna of my one night stand in England. It was a sad experience and I was embarrassed. “Um, I kind of already did that.”
Anna stared at me in shock. “When did this happen and why didn’t you tell me?”
“It happened in England. I didn’t want to say anything because it was horrible.”
“The sex was bad?”
“No, the sex was good, really good, but I started crying afterwards and the guy took off. I was so embarrassed. I cried after sex!”
“Well, the good news is that you never have to see him again, so there’s really nothing to be embarrassed about.”
“Sure, except I’m someone’s story. I’m in a story right now, floating around all of England for people to laugh at.”
“Does this guy know your last name?”
“Uh, we met at a bar and I don’t know that I even gave my first name.”
“See? It’s not a problem then. It’s not like there’s a chance you’ll ever run into one another again, so it’s all good.”
“I have to say, something changed afterwards. It’s like I finally accepted that I needed to move on and let Jack go. I’m not over him, but I don’t feel so sad anymore.” I got up and walked over to Anna. “I need some baby love. Let me hold the little peanut.” I started walking with Lila and bouncing her playfully.
“I wouldn’t bounce her too hard. She’s been-”
Anna never got to finish her sentence because Lila chose that moment to spit up down my back. Spit up wouldn’t really be an accurate description. It was more like a volcanic eruption. Then I felt the vomit slide down under my pants and soak my underwear.
“Eww. Gross! It’s going into my pants! It’s gonna leak down my butt crack!” I started bouncing around trying to change the direction of the flow and keep it from going where it was going. Anna was no help. She was doubled over laughing at me. I pulled Lila away from my chest to hand her to Anna when she threw up again, this time down my front.
“Oh my, God! What is wrong with this kid?” The smell was starting to get to me. I practically threw Lila at Anna and ran to the bathroom. I heard Anna’s footsteps follow me down the hall as I struggled to open the toilet lid. Luke had installed child proof locks on the toilet seat and I couldn’t get the lid open. I turned and hurled into the bathtub.
“How can you stand that smell? Maybe I’m not cut out to be a mom, if I can’t handle a little vomit.” I sank back against the side of the tub and breathed deeply to calm my belly. But breathing deeply wasn’t a good idea because I got another whiff of the vomit on my shirt and threw up over the side of the tub again. I really needed to take a shower, but changing my shirt would do until I could get home.
“Come on. I’ll get you something else to wear.” Then Lila let out the loudest sound either of us had ever heard and brown stuff started to leak through her onesie. “I’d better change her first.”
“Uh, I think you need to rinse her of
f. It’s starting to drip down her leg.”
Anna squealed as warm liquid started to cover her hand. “Aah! Gross. Eww, eww, eww. Get it off of me!” I looked in the tub, but it was too gross to clean a baby in.
“Quick, let’s go to the kitchen sink and clean her off there.” We raced into the kitchen and started stripping Lila’s onesie off. There was a bag of flour on the counter and I quickly ran it over to the top of the fridge so it would be out of the way. We pulled the onsie over Lila’s head and brown poo smeared in her hair.
“Oh my gosh. We should have just cut if off her. This is so gross. My baby has poo in her hair,” Anna exclaimed.
“Hold her in the sink and I’ll get her diaper off.” Anna held her up as I started to extricate the diaper from Lila’s bottom. Lila let out another loud noise as poo shot out of her butt and all over my hand. Anna grabbed the hose attachment from the sink to spray me off, but I was freaking out over the poo on my hand, trying to shake it off and squealing. I know it’s only a little poo, but the scent was disgusting and at the moment, I didn’t want any more bodily fluids on me.
“Get it off! Get it off!” I stepped backwards and slipped on the poo covered onesie that had been discarded on the ground and fell backwards into the fridge. A big cloud of powder fell all over me as the open bag of flour on top of the fridge fell over.
Anna tried to run to me, but she realized she was still attached to the hose as it pulled the full length out of the faucet. It fell over the edge of the sink and started spraying everywhere. Water shot at me and formed a thick paste with the flour. I had my hands up trying to block the spray from hitting me in the face. Anna covered Lila to keep her from getting wet. She was screaming from being jostled and obviously unhappy.
Jack (For The Love Of A Good Woman Book 1) Page 19
