But first, Heather. She cried aloud, and somewhere in the back of his brain, Kiefer knew that if the turkeys hadn’t sensed them before, they knew now, and they might very well be making tracks to get very far away from them. Her pussy clenched against his throbbing cock, pulling all his attention right there, and then he exploded too. He saw stars, fireworks, and embers flying through his head…but all they did was mask the love that was burgeoning in his chest.
Chapter Seventeen
THEY MADE THEIR way back down the hill, toward Katie’s house, and Heather was glad she’d agreed to go with Kiefer. The walk had been easygoing and the air was warm. The entire walk was perfect. It wasn’t just the amazing sex. It was the time they’d shared together, from Kiefer telling her about his painful past to their joking about zombies and seeing the turkeys…and his incredible cock.
It was going to be a shame to leave this all behind at the end of the week.
But that had been her deal with herself, the only way she could allow Kiefer in for any length of time. She had to know she could go back to her safe place when this was all over.
She cared about him even more after all they’d shared this week, and it was comforting to know that they could return to their original friendship—where they were there for each other but maintained a safe distance.
She even held his hand as they walked back…until she caught sight of the house. She thought she saw a small frown form on his face when she let go, but she raised her eyebrows. He knew their agreement.
They had a pleasant dinner with Katie and Johnny, Sage and Mickey, and Riley and Erin, and she tried to enjoy it, especially knowing that Riley and Erin would be heading out the next morning, but she was distracted. Something was gnawing at her, and she knew before the week was over that she would have to tell Kiefer the one last secret about herself, the one other thing she hadn’t told him…because it was a big part of who she was and why she was the way she was...and their relationship wouldn’t have progressed to this point if not for that side of herself.
She just wasn’t sure how to say the words she needed to.
But, during dinner, they were seated next to each other side by side—a first during their time here—and she put her hand on his thigh and squeezed. He looked at her and she peeked around the table first to make sure no one’s eyes were on her. Assured of that, she glanced back and smiled. She then withdrew her hand and picked up her iced tea to take a deep swig before turning her attention to Katie.
No matter what happened to them now or after they left, she no longer felt like she could hide the deepest, darkest part of herself from Kiefer. He deserved to know all of her, the real her, and maybe he would understand what made her tick if she shared that with him.
So, after dinner, clean up, and then conversation around the fire pit, Heather whispered to Kiefer that she was heading to her room and would love his company. She told Katie good night and headed to her room. After a little while, there was no Kiefer, so she logged into her computer and tried to concentrate on grading to no avail. Just as she was ready to give that up as well, Kiefer showed up, knocking at her door.
After he entered her room and she stuck her head out into the hallway to check to make sure no one had seen him, she closed the door and was surprised—even though she shouldn’t have been—that he immersed her in a slow, sensual kiss. Not only did the man continue to astonish her, but he was an expert at taking her breath away.
“I’m really glad you invited me to stop by again, Heather, and there was no way I was gonna turn down your invitation, but I need to break the news to you…I’m out of condoms.”
She smiled and said, “That’s okay. I actually wanted to have a long talk with you.” She grabbed his hands and started to walk toward her bed so they could sit down but noticed he wasn’t eagerly following her. She could feel the resistance in his hands.
“That doesn’t sound good. What is it?”
“It’s nothing bad.” She pulled him toward her. “Well, that’s not exactly true, but it was that way long before we got here. It’s something about myself that I really need to share with you.”
The look on his face told her a lot. Knowing what she did about his history, she knew he’d been disappointed by at least one woman for a majority of his life, so she knew that explained why he was already gearing up for bad news. And, really, she didn’t expect him to like what she had to say…but that didn’t change the fact that she had to say it. If they had been just friends, it could have waited, but because she sensed that he wasn’t going to stop pursuing something more with her, she needed to let him down as gently as possible, but she needed to let him know exactly what her damage was.
All he said was “Okay.” He sat on the edge of her bed and made eye contact with her, but he didn’t look hopeful at all.
That was probably best.
Heather took a deep breath and squeezed the hands she was still holding. She was looking down at their fists holding each other rather than in his eyes for the meantime because she didn’t know that she could do that knowing what she had to say. “So…you know about my eating problems. They’ve been a huge part of who I am and the obstacles I’ve had to face as an adult. But there’s something else I’ve had to cope with, something that is another release valve for me. It started out as my way of coping with the bulimia. I at first dealt with that sickness by trading one problem for another, and I still struggle with it from time to time.” Her voice got quieter as she raised her eyes to meet his. “That problem is why I was hitting on you the other night.” He squinted his eyes, looking confused, but he didn’t say a word.
“When I was forcing myself to gain weight, to accept the fact that I looked fine to everyone else in spite of the way I saw myself, I was nervous and edgy. I trusted my therapist and that’s why I did what he recommended, although the rebel in me wanted to keep doing what I had been. I knew my dad was paying the bills, and I wanted him to be dumping money into it for nothing. I wanted to get in the last word. But, you know…the survival instinct is strong. I wanted to live. But I was…am self-destructive, I guess. I was no longer controlling food and my weight the way I had been. I needed something to make me feel like I had some sort of control.
“I discovered early on that, no matter what I looked like, money made me instantly more attractive to a lot of guys…so it started out that sex was a way for me to feel loved—or at least a little less empty. No mom, no dad, no nanny after I got a little older…and you can’t buy love, but you can certainly find sex if you want it, and it was a good substitute. I had sex to fill me up and make me feel like I was loved.
“But then you combine that with the euphoria you feel after a good…orgasm.” She had been gearing up to say a good fucking, but Kiefer’s face already reflected that he was struggling with what she had to say anyway. She could tell he already knew what she was going to say, but she had to say it just the same. He needed to hear it from her. “That’s a deadly combination. It made me…” Now it was getting hard. Not only was she getting ready to tell him the worst part, the look on his face said it all. She had to push forward, though, because she cared enough to be honest. She swallowed and looked him in the eye. “My therapist was hesitant to call it addiction, but he said it was close.”
“Sex addiction?”
Heather nodded slowly. “Yeah. I, uh, engaged in a lot of sex with a lot of strangers for several years. That was before I met you the first time. When I met you, I had a lot of that stuff under control. I was eating; I was celibate. I was focused on change and wanted a better life, one free of my past, free from the bitterness and anger I felt. School helped, because I was busy. Katie was a huge help too, and she has no idea, but her presence was calming because she was one of the first people in my life who seemed to care for me for who I was, not what I was.”
“So you’re okay now?”
The hardest part of all. Raw, unadulterated truth. She felt her eyes grow a little watery, so she looked down at K
iefer’s chin…that cute irresistible goatee beckoned to her, asked her to kiss him hard and never let him go, but she knew her mind—the patterns it never failed to create, the circles it ran in wouldn’t allow her to be the person she wanted to be. Her therapist had told her that treatment would be ongoing, but she hadn’t realized that had meant a lifetime’s worth. She didn’t know that she wanted to fight herself anymore…even for this man. She wasn’t worthy of what he offered.
She took a deep breath, willing away the tears, and forced her eyes up to meet his. She couldn’t quite shake her head. “No.” She blinked and, damn, if that stupid tear didn’t manage to make its way out anyway. “I usually see my therapist every couple of weeks to help me stay on track…but I backslide.” Didn’t he know? Was she going to have to say it? Oh, his sweet, gentle, kind eyes told her he believed the best about her. That meant he wasn’t going to read between the lines. She was going to have to say it and not pull any punches. “The bar the other night?” Oh, those green eyes—she was putting that sadness into them. “That was my usual MO. I go to a bar and pick up a guy.”
He swallowed. “Any guy?”
“No. I have standards, believe it or not. He has to be clean looking, and I prefer someone I find attractive.” She gulped. She might as well throw it all out there. “I haven’t always limited myself to guys, either, and I’ve had multiple partners at once before too.” Oh, God, she was hurting him. It was time to give him the closest thing she could to a silver lining that she could. “But the past year, I’ve had it under control. I’d give myself one night a month to give in but the rest of the time, I was a good girl.”
“That shows restraint.”
Oh, but he didn’t believe that, did he? Not really? “I don’t know, Kiefer. I was just prolonging it, you know? My therapist has helped me understand it—really understand it—and I don’t know that I’ve learned anything or grown or gotten better. What happened the other night?” The moment of truth. She had to tell him. “It wasn’t my one night of the month. I was stressed and nervous about coming to Katie’s and meeting you again. I was sure our friendship online was bullshit and that once you saw me again, for a prolonged period of time, you’d hate me. You’d see the real me and wonder what the hell you’d been thinking.”
He looked pained, like she’d stabbed him in the heart. “I’m not like that, Heather.”
She blinked back another tear. “You just heard how fucked up my brain is, right?”
He was quiet for a long time, processing it. She understood why he’d need time to take it all in. It was a lot. The fact that his arm was still around her conveyed lots, though. “I can’t judge you, Heather. I’ve had my own shit to deal with, you know, and I’m no saint either. I swear I’ve had more sex the past three years than some guys probably have their whole lives…and I’m the band member who shows restraint. Or, I guess I should specifically say, had more women. So I can’t judge what you’ve done, and part of that’s because I can’t fully understand it, either.”
Heather looked in his green eyes, and he was being honest—there was no judgment, no hate. It was pure acceptance, and part of her didn’t know how to handle it. She resisted the urge to touch his cheek, because she had to figure out how she felt about it all too. He kissed her forehead then and pulled her close, resting her head against his chest while he stroked the back of her hair. She expected him to tell her he wanted or needed time to think about all of it, and then he’d walk away…and she thought she’d be okay with that. She’d come to terms with who she was a long time ago and realized that she would likely be alone her entire life. That was why she appreciated Katie. Katie had been and would always be her closest friend, someone who loved her unconditionally, and even though Heather had never told her any of the things she’d told Kiefer, she knew Katie well enough to know that her friend would continue to love her just the same.
Kiefer, though…why did he care so much? And how could he forgive her for all her previous indiscretions, all the sick shit she’d done, when she couldn’t even forgive herself?
His voice was quiet when he said, “I love you, Heather.” She could barely hear him with his lips pressed against her hair, but there was no mistaking those words. That was the answer; that was the why.
“But how?” She pulled away so she could look him in the eye. “You barely know me.”
“No, I do know you, Heather…and that’s why.”
She shook her head. If she’d thought she was fucked up, she had nothing on this guy. He’d had it rough—no home, no family at all, no future, no money. Why did he love her? She wasn’t loveable. Her father had taught her that long ago. She wanted to believe it, knew it was possible, but she couldn’t bring herself to accept it.
Because she didn’t deserve it.
She couldn’t fight the tears anymore, but she couldn’t talk any longer. “You don’t love me, Kiefer. You just think you do.” He opened his mouth in protest. “I…I’ve said too much. Just…” She got up and walked to the middle of the room. Her brain was a muddle, probably the worst it had ever been. It was accustomed to rejection, hate, hurt, not acceptance, not on this level, and she couldn’t do it. Kiefer deserved better than her. She would never be able to give him what he wanted.
He stood too. “Heather.”
“Just forget about me, Kiefer. You don’t love me.”
“I do.”
She had to stop this now. She would wind up ripping his heart out, and better to hurt him now while it was fresh and new than later when it would feel like she was performing open-heart surgery without anesthesia. “I don’t love you back, and I never will.” His eyes questioned her. This time, there was no hurt in those green pools—just confusion and a look that bespoke his desire to understand. “I can’t love, Kiefer. Don’t you understand that?”
He got closer. “I don’t believe that.”
She pulled out the knife, poised to stab, and when she had it lined up, she jabbed: “Then you’re a damned idiot.” She walked toward the door. Yeah, it was her room, but she wasn’t going to toss him out. The only reason why she was hurting him now was to wake him up to the fact that she was no good for anyone, let alone him. He was one of the sweetest souls she’d ever known, and if she loved him back, she would let him go so that he could be with someone who deserved him.
Wait. She loved him?
Yeah, she did, and that was why she needed to end it now…before there was no return.
He was frozen in place, still not looking hurt, but maybe unsure. She couldn’t read him anymore. She was going to deliver the final blow and then go before she changed her mind. “Get a fucking clue, Steele. I was just using you. You’re hot. I fucked you. That’s what I do. Chew ‘em up and spit ‘em out. Next.”
Yeah. That did it. He was hurting properly like he should have been all along, so now he could get on with his life and forget about her.
She walked the rest of the way to the door. She stood holding the doorknob for a moment, paused before delivering the final blow. “I’ll see you in the next life.”
She made a quick exit, almost running down the hall to find the big bathroom. She needed to collect herself and stop crying. And then she was going to prove to herself and Kiefer that she wasn’t meant to be happy.
There wasn’t only one way to do it, but she knew the best way…one of the only ways she knew how.
Chapter Eighteen
IT TOOK KIEFER several seconds to realize he’d been holding his breath in, as though someone were punching him in the gut over and over. In essence, that had been the kind of tumult he’d been experiencing. Heather had delivered multiple blows to him in the space of seconds.
It didn’t feel real, though. He couldn’t believe it.
He took a few steps back and sat on the bed again. He was in doubt about the whole thing. Heather herself had told him she’d been in therapy, trying to get her shit together. And he knew she cared about him, in spite of her hateful words just now. She was strug
gling with something internal, that he knew, but why couldn’t she believe in him? In herself? In them? Was it so hard to believe she didn’t deserve love?
Goddammit. If he ever met that piece of work who donated sperm to Heather’s existence, that asshole she called father, he’d probably pummel the daylights out of him. Heather had to be one of the most sensitive women he’d ever known, someone who really listened to him. She had no idea what she’d done for him over the past few years.
He figured she’d come back when she got her emotions together, so he reclined on the bed for a while. He decided to pull up his email on his phone while he waited. He was going to show her he knew better. Surely, there was something in one of her emails that would prove she was just scared right now.
With that goal in mind, he spent the better part of an hour reading through emails, copying and pasting phrases from her emails into the notes app on his phone.
Kiefer, I think you get me better than most people.
Thanks for “listening,” my friend!
You are amazing and I’m so glad you’re in my life, K!
Why can’t you be my roommate? I could totally spend 24/7 with you.
I’ve never told anyone that stuff before.
You know that old anecdote that’s overused about if you were stranded on an island, who would you want to be there? Well, I choose YOU!!!
He could have continued, but he didn’t have to. Re-reading so many of their emails to each other and not even getting through half, he was able to confirm that what she’d said today was bullshit. She was pushing him away. He didn’t know why, but he didn’t have to be a psychologist to know that was what was happening.
Seal All Exits (Tangled Web #3) Page 15
