Speaking as slowly as she might to a slightly addle brained toddler, she enunciated every word, hoping, I was sure, to hammer her point home this time.
I could have told her to save her breath. Instead, I nodded soberly and settled back to listen, yet again.
“Hush Dolls Inc. is an internet based service for women who want to see if their significant others are inclined to cheat on them. You know that. In order to accomplish this, after a request is made, we send a woman that the client thinks her man might fall for to make a play to try to pick him up.” Cocking an eyebrow, she twirled her glasses around a finger, looked up to see if I was following.
Again.
“In order to do this, you have to be nice to the man in question. You have to flirt, and you can’t insult them right off the bat for potentially being cheating bastards.” Her face was expectant as she looked my way yet again, obviously hoping that this time I’d get what she was yammering on about.
I’d gotten it the first time she’d spelled it out for me. I just didn’t care. I wanted the job— I needed the extra income to pay off the massive student loan debt that I’d accrued during university. I also wanted to help one of my best friends get her fledgling business off the ground.
I had trouble admitting, even to myself, what the biggest reason was though, despite its never ending presence. I was drawn to the job largely because it would help me expose men who cheated on their wives, their fiancées, their girlfriends— men who broke their hearts for no better reason than that they let their blood flow drain away from their brains and to their cocks. And, cliché though it was, it was of course because I’d had my heart broken the same way, and had passed through a very long, very dark valley because of it.
The way I figured it, the longer a woman was in a relationship before finding out about her man’s extracurricular activities, the longer was that walk. If I could help expedite the process, well, that would be my contribution to womankind.
I knew that my friends thought that I held a grudge against the entire male species, and since they’d all been around after the heart pulverizing that Andrew had visited on me, I knew they wouldn’t have blamed me if I had. But I didn’t hate all men— no, not at all. I just harbored a gut deep, stomach roiling disgust for men who cheated… and fear of that disgust was what kept me from dating seriously.
I knew. I’d had several years of very expensive therapy, thanks to Andrew. Now, of course, I thought that I deserved what I’d gotten, at least a little bit— I’d let my whole being become wrapped up in him, and when he broke my heart, there was very little Hannah left to fall back on. But he’d been my first love, and he’d let me fall, though he knew all along that he had no intention of reciprocating that kind of love.
If I could save another woman even a day in that darkness, then that was what I wanted to do. There was no way that Erica could convince me otherwise, and after a final glance at my set face above the amber glass rim of my beer bottle, I think she finally understood that.
Plucking at the corner of the silver label on her own beer, she pursed her lips and tapped a pen absently on the coffee table that she sat behind. “All right.”
A surge of triumph flooded through me, but Erica quickly held up a finger and shook it at me before qualifying her words. “Trial basis only. If I find out that you’ve insulted anyone, called anyone a cheating bastard, or tried any funny stuff, then the deal’s off. Got it?” She tried to look stern, but I think she was actually both relieved and excited to have her first official employee.
I knew I was excited to be employed, so I grinned back. I knew that I’d be able to contain myself, since I’d be both helping the female population and making some much needed extra cash to boot. If I hadn’t had the experience with Andrew that I’d had, I might have worried about being attracted to the men, or of even, heaven forbid, falling for one, but I figured that because of what I’d been through, I’d be fine.
Of course, I hadn’t known then that I’d meet Adam.
***
“Are you ready for your next surprise?” Clasping my hand tightly as we stood on the flagstone steps of a large yet cozy looking house built up in the Three Sisters area of town, I was torn and unsure how to answer. Excitement skated over my skin as I thought of the last surprise that he’s given me… but I wasn’t sure what to expect, given the fact that we’d just rung the doorbell to what looked very much like a family home.
I nearly swallowed my tongue when a man who looked as much like Adam as he possibly could and not be identical answered the door.
“You made it, bro!” Josh Brentine drew Adam in for one of those thumping man hugs where they whack each other on the back hard enough to make others wince. I barely had time to close my mouth before the hug was turned on me.
“Who’s this, Adam? And when’s she going to come to her senses and leave you for the good looking brother?” Despite the flirtatious words, I felt no trace of lechery from Josh’s touch, which puzzled me almost as much as Adam’s reason for bringing me here.
“You’ve got your own woman. Hands off.” Adam drew me close with the muscled arm that he threw around my neck. A gargled noise escaped from my lips, and the frozen set of my shoulders clued him in that something was up. Glancing down at my face, which was set with… well, I didn’t even know what I was feeling, so I couldn’t tell you… he looked sheepishly at his brother and took a step back.
“Give us a sec, okay, Josh? Tell Mom and Dad we’ll be right in.” Josh gave his brother a light punch to the shoulder, accompanied by a knowing grin that said he knew his brother was in trouble and was laughingly thrilled before leaving. I turned to face the man that I both wanted to keep as the best fuck buddy I’d ever had, and stay with forever on the other.
“Mom? Dad? Adam, what are you doing?” Not wanting to be rude to the couple whose home I was in, I kept my voice down to a hiss. My face was slowly turning a bright red, so uncomfortable was the situation for me, but of course Adam couldn’t have known the things that I did, namely, that his brother’s girlfriend thought that his obviously beloved brother was cheating on her, and that I’d been tasked with finding out. That Adam and I would never have met otherwise.
I felt my heart crack a bit as I watched his face fall. I hated causing pain to others. And I felt a huge bolt of it myself when he took a small step in retreat, away from me. Just with that one step I missed him, willing him to bring his essence back into my personal sphere.
“Am I reading this wrong?” He had erased the disappointment from his entire face, leaving a blank slate. Blank, but for his eyes, which mirrored how I felt. “Am I the only one feeling… this?”
I crossed my arms over my chest, hugged my elbows. “No… I… it’s just…” What could I say? That I just wanted him for sex? That was no longer true. That I was in love with him? That wasn’t true either, though I knew that, with a little more time, I could and possibly would be. I was just freaked out, and not just because of Josh and Cady. I hadn’t been taken home to meet any man’s parents since Andrew’s, and hadn’t been prepared to do so with Adam’s until… well, who knew? The thought hadn’t even crossed my mind.
But looking at his face, and the flickers of hurt that he couldn’t quite disguise, I knew that I wouldn’t tell him any of that. Lightening up my tone, I affected a ‘you’re in trouble’ voice.
“You could have given me some warning. I’m hardly dressed for a family dinner.” I gestured to the low cut sweater and tight jeans that I’d thrown on when he’d called, anticipating that they’d be coming right back off.
Relieved, he again stepped closer, put his arms around my waist. “I think you look great.” I tried not to moan out loud when he nipped at my neck.
“Yeah, but you don’t know what I’ve got on underneath.” I tried to wiggle away, but he held on tight.
He had no qualms about groaning, loudly. “No, but now I’ll be thinking about all though dinner.” With a last nip on my earlobe, he moved back, to
ok his arms from my waist until just our hands were clasped. Gently, he tugged me in the direction that his brother had gone. “Come on, I’ll introduce you. I promise they won’t bite.”
I resisted. “Just let me freshen up quickly. I’ll join you in a sec.” Though he cast an exasperated expression my way, he released my hands and gestured down the hall. “Go straight until you can’t go any further. That’s the bathroom.” I could feel his eyes on me as I moved, and I put a bit of an extra sway into my hips, knowing that he’d enjoy the view offered by my tight jeans.
Once out of view, however, with the bathroom door closed and locked behind me, I dropped the calm façade and felt panic take over. My jeans were snug enough that it took three tries before I successfully extracted my cell from my pocket, but I finally managed it, and hastily punched in Erica’s number.
I prayed that she’d answer.
“Oh thank God.” Quickly I outlined the situation for her. What I wanted to know was if Cady Conly had paid the extra money required to look at different pictures of Hush Dolls Inc. employees, choosing the one that she thought would appeal most to Josh. If she had, then she knew what I looked like, and there was no way that I was setting foot in that dining room, even if I had to fake an allergic reaction or an unexpected birth.
I could hear Erica clicking away on the keys of her laptop. I knew that she already knew, but that she would also want to double check before she told me either way.
“You’re safe,” she said after a pause that felt like an eternity. “She didn’t see any of the photos. She won’t know who you are.”
I heaved a sigh of relief loud enough that they might have heard it in the next room. Erica spoke again, cutting into it.
“Hannah, when are you going to tell Adam the truth? You have to.” I’d been expecting the lecture, but this wasn’t the time or place to hear it. Besides, I was planning to tell Adam… as soon as I could get up the courage. Confrontation had never been my strong point, and I was desperately afraid of losing him. We hadn’t known each other long, but the connection between us was undeniable. While I now knew better than to let my entire being become wrapped up in a man, I also knew that life would feel undeniably flat for a long time if Adam were to leave.
I tried to explain this to Erica as best as I could, given the fact that I needed to stay quiet, and also couldn’t talk for very long.
“I’m going to tell him, Erica, you know that I will. But now is the not the time. I can’t just sit down for dinner and tell him that I work for an agency that specializes in catching cheaters and, oh, that his sister-in-law hired us to check his brother out. And that instead of picking up his brother, I picked up him, and that’s the only reason that we met!” My words were met with silence, and I drummed my fingers on the tiled countertop to fill the silence.
“Just please tell him soon, before you get hurt.” I knew that it was coming from a good place, but I didn’t have time to discuss it further. I snapped my phone shut, ran my fingers through my hair, and opened the door.
Adam was standing right there.
Shit. Had he heard me? He wasn’t saying anything. But the nerves combined with Erica’s words caused a thick drip of guilt to prickle through my veins, and I decided then and there to tell him later that night, after dinner, when we were alone.
Except that I was too late.
“Are you kidding me?” Adam retreated, disgust dripping thickly over his features. “That’s what you do for a living? You pick up men?” Sickness began to roll through my belly, and I held my hands out pleadingly.
He backed away as if my touch disgusted him. On the plus side, he hadn’t mentioned my mistaking him for his brother, so maybe he wasn’t upset about that. But he seemed plenty angry about my occupation, looking down his nose at me with a contempt that made me feel like what he thought I was… a whore.
“Adam, please. Let me explain.” The words sounded trite even to my own ears, and I was sickened further by the revulsion on his face. I didn’t have the heart to defend my choice of career as I normally would have, not when I knew in my heart of hearts that I’d been wrong for not being upfront in the first place.
“No.” Furious now, he wrapped his long fingers, the ones that just minutes earlier had tickled my waist and sensitized my skin, around my upper arm and yanked me down the hall with him. “You need to leave. Now.” Unceremoniously he deposited me on the front step, closing the door neatly in my face before I could even formulate a response.
I splayed my palm flat on the cool wood of the door and contemplated knocking. Thought about pounding on the painted oak and demanding that he listen to me. But guilt had latched on, digging its needle like claws into my heart, and I found that I couldn’t, not when I had been in the wrong.
I swallowed past the great lump in my throat, blinked furiously to rid myself of the tears that threatened to fall. A sudden gust of wind pummeled at me and I shivered; I hadn’t brought a coat, since I had thought I’d only be outside for the length of time it took to walk from my building to Adam’s car and back again. I wrapped my arms as tightly as I could around my chest, told myself that this wasn’t so bad. At least I hadn’t known him long enough to get hugely attached, as I had with Andrew.
As I dejectedly shuffled the walk of shame down the lane to wait for the cab that I’d speed dialed, however, I knew that my lack of honesty had just screwed up, possibly forever, one of the best things that I’d ever had.
***
I gave into the tears that I’d blinked away when Vivi and Erica converged on me. I hadn’t meant to tell them what had happened, hadn’t wanted to admit how ashamed I felt, but Erica had called back to see how dinner had gone, and when I’d started sobbing into the phone, she’d rounded up Vivi and arrived at my door.
With chocolate, bless them both.
Now I was curled morosely into a limp ball in the corner of my couch, glaring at the now tattered romance novel that had made its way to me finally, after spending time with each of the other ladies over the summer. Stupid book, was all that I could think. “Happily ever after” didn’t exist, not like that. Adam had made me hope, but the hope had been shredded before it had even had a chance to fully come to light.
Erica and Vivi had already done all that they could to make me feel better. We’d done the ‘men are pigs’ route, the ‘it wasn’t meant to be’, even the ‘he’ll come to his senses, you’ll see’. None of it made me feel any better. I couldn’t even hold on to any meaningful amount of anger, not when I knew that it was my fault. Yes, he could have taken the time to listen to me explain, as Vivi had pointed out, but I knew that I would have jumped to the same conclusions, if I’d overheard what he had.
Now all that there seemed left to do was be miserable. I knew that my friends thought I was giving up too easily, but I felt so guilty that I wasn’t able to do anything yet but wallow. In the morning I might feel differently, but right then I couldn’t see past the pain.
I closed my eyes and let Vivi rub my feet, hoping to drift off to sleep. Sleep meant unconsciousness, and right then unconsciousness sounded like bliss.
Erica’s ever present laptop emitted a beep, which poked its way through the slumber that had almost arrived. I scowled, feeling entitled to be grumpy. If I couldn’t be an emotional bitch around these women, then I couldn’t be one with anyone.
I watched through slit eyes, still enjoying the foot rub, as Erica opened a message and unsuccessfully battled back a grin.
“What?” I knew it was nasty, but it annoyed me that she’d checked her computer in the middle of my personal crisis. I knew she had to, because a message might come into the site at any time of the day or night, but I was making no claim to rationality right then.
“Oh, nothing much. Just a funny forward.” Quickly she typed something in reply, hit send, and closed the computer. Grabbing the carrying case from the ground, where she’d dumped it earlier, she yawned hugely and began to stow away her belongings.
“Well,
I’ve got to get going. It’s late.” She blinked hard at Vivi, even as I sat straight up, yanking my feet from my friend’s lap abruptly.
“What? Why?” Entirely apart from the fact that I’d fully expected at least one of them to sleep over, the way that we always did when one of us had a personal crisis, I realized that I really didn’t want to be alone.
Vivi looked a bit puzzled, as well, and I saw her reach for her overnight bag with a furrowed brow.
Erica silenced her with a glare. I opened my mouth, about to ask what the hell was going on, when my intercom buzzed. Erica pressed the sequence of keys that allowed someone downstairs to come up before I had the chance to pick up the receiver and ask who was there.
“Erica, what the hell?” I was beginning to get angry. I needed support, not games. And the only people that I wanted to see right then were already there.
Well, those two, and Adam.
Oh, fuck.
I turned accusatory eyes to Erica. She smiled. “You have a pickup to do. I expect that you’ll act appropriately.” Leaning in to give me a hug goodbye, she finished her thought. “That means, be nice.”
“No! Don’t go—”
Too late. There was a sharp rapping at the door. Erica opened it to reveal Adam, who stood with his legs apart and his fists in his pockets.
He looked a bit startled to be confronted with three females, two of whom looked completely confused, but he took it in stride, I thought. Those glacial eyes of his roamed the room quickly, looking for something… and finding it when they settled on me.
“Nice to meet you, Adam.” Taking Vivi by hand, Erica led them out into the hall, even as she urged Adam in from it. “Hi, and bye.” She looked at me and mouthed the word ‘nice’ before shutting the door firmly.
Adam stood in the entryway, shifting from foot to foot.
“Uh, hi.” He kept his eyes on my face, but I had trouble meeting his gaze. I felt like such an idiot. He remained silent while I stared down at my blue argyle socks, so I forced my chin up, mortified to feel that the tears were making a return appearance.
Taming the Alpha Page 78
