At seven months pregnant, Josie had been miserable. Her feet had swelled to elephant-like stumps. She’d bled a few times and had been put on bedrest. Even then, he’d thought they had another two months until the baby came. One frantic call had sent their world into a tailspin. Her water had broken and her mom was rushing her to St. Ignatius.
He’d been on location at a construction site out in Merrill but had yelled what was happening to his foreman, jumped in the truck and peeled out. The speed limit had been fifty-five but he’d been racing at seventy-eight. He hadn’t even seen the damn stop sign. Or the SUV.
He didn’t remember the vehicle T-boning him. Didn’t remember anything until he woke up a week later in the ICU alone, various body parts not working and screaming in agony. Josie had delivered their daughter by emergency C-section two months early. They were in the same hospital on different floors. He barely saw his wife and when he did, guilt swamped him stronger than the pain.
He hadn’t been there for one of the most crucial times in his life. Josie had gone through that by herself. Even if her parents had been there, it had been his place. He was the one who was supposed to be the rock she clung to. But he was out cold and in pieces six floors below her.
Staring at the busy work yard, Wade drowned in the memories, let them whisk him back to that dark time. His first sight of her after he’ woken up had taken what little breath he had. Josie looked like hell and he couldn’t fault her for that. Her husband was in the ICU fighting for his life, her baby was in the N.ICU clinging to life, and her life was on hold. He’d tried not to be a whiny ass and beg her to stay, not when their baby was so sick. But he’d missed and needed her so many times then and she wasn’t there.
They’d brought him pictures but he wanted to see his firstborn for himself, needed to see her to assure himself that she was here, she was alive and that everything would work out. Finally, a gentle nurse took pity on him and pulled some hospital miracle, wheeling his bed into the neo-natal ward.
He couldn’t hold his daughter. No one was allowed yet. But he touched her. He’d stuck his hand into the Isolette and stroked her tiny cheek, whispering how beautiful she was and that he loved her. Josie stood silently at the bedside weeping without sound.
“Jesus.” He scrubbed his eyes, fighting the burn behind his nose that wouldn’t stop. Things had been so fucked up then. They weren’t much better now.
Once his collapsed lung started working again, the doctors concentrated on his mangled legs. Six long weeks and Josie took Sadie home. He’d been moved to a new hospital, one focused on rehabilitation. The surgeries and excruciating pain had been bad but the humiliation had been worse. He’d tried to take his first steps and smacked the hospital floor with his face instead. It’d taken months but he was walking now even if he did have a limp when he was tired. Even harder was not seeing his wife for days at a time.
When he’d been released, he hadn’t been able to go home. Sadie still had oxygen pumping into her tiny nose by a thin tube and was on all sorts of monitors. Josie had no time or energy for him and the help he still needed. So he went to his parents’ place and his mother had doted on him. He hadn’t seen Sadie in person for over a month. The baby was too fragile to have out in the cold and he couldn’t risk a fall on the ice so he’d watched his daughter’s first few weeks at home through Skype chats and face-time videos.
Snapping out of dreamland, he fumbled for his phone, pulling up one short clip he’d saved and wouldn’t delete. Josie held Sadie, a stupid Santa hat crooked on her head, her plump little face scrunched in a cry, plastic tube dripping out of her nose and taped to her cheek. Josie waved her tiny hand in the air.
“Say ‘Hi, Daddy’. She’s doing so good, Wade. She took a full six ounces today in one feeding. And her oxygen levels are down to less than ten percent. If she keeps this superwoman stuff up, she might be off the oxygen in a month.”
The baby had fussed then, let out a wet belch and spit up all over her blue sleeper.
“Damn, well, I thought it was going to stay down. I better go. Call me tonight and hurry home. We both love you and need you here.”
The video stopped, frozen on a shot of his wife holding the baby. She had circles under her eyes, a formula stain on her shoulder and her hair was a nest of snarls. She’d never been more beautiful to him. It had been the last time she’d said she loved him.
He’d come home feeling like a stranger and discovered he was one. Josie had this new life, this routine that revolved around little Sadie. She’d gone back to her teaching job. Daycare wasn’t an option because of Sadie’s weakened immune system so Josie’s mother came every day to care for the baby. He was worthless. The medication he was still on made him off-balance and woozy, not safe to care for a fragile infant.
Breath misting in the frigid air, he let a smile lift his cheeks as he ran his finger over the frozen video clip. His daughter was a fighter and had grown so damned fast, sailing past all those milestones the doctors worried about. She showed them all she was a force to be reckoned with. But he missed never getting the chance to hold her when she was that small.
He had held her when he’d come home that first day. He’d fed her a bottle, changed her wet diaper then let her sleep on his chest while his mother-in-law hovered nearby. In those precious moments, he’d truly and irrevocably fallen in love with his daughter. He’d drifted to sleep cradling her on the couch.
He’d thought his life was finally getting back on track. But Josie had come home and snatched the baby from his arms.
“God damn it, Wade. Didn’t you hear the monitor going off?”
She rubbed the baby’s chest until a cry erupted and the beeping he hadn’t been aware of stopped. Josie’s sagged in relief as the oxygen monitor’s numbers climbed. “There. Now she’s back to ninety-nine percent saturation.”
“I didn’t hear it.”
“That’s not good enough!” Wrapping a fuzzy blanket around Sadie, she tucked her tight to her shoulder. “If her oh-two levels drop too low, she could have a seizure. She could die, Wade. This isn’t some video game where you can get another player by hitting reset. This is her life. You have to pay attention.”
“I didn’t hear it,” he’d muttered. He’d taken his pain medication and it always knocked him out. “I’m sorry.”
Josie had just shaken her head, hooked the tubes to a portable oxygen tank and walked away, cooing to the baby. That was the night she’d started sleeping in the baby’s room. They hadn’t slept beside each other in three months and she moved to the nursery.
Something had died in his marriage that day. Josie claimed she had to get up every two hours still and didn’t want to disturb him. But even when Sadie started sleeping longer and then through the night, Josie hadn’t returned to their bed. And if he touched her, she pulled away. Conversation had been reduced to whether the baby needed a diaper change or what was needed at the grocery store.
Tossing the phone on the opposite seat, Wade turned the key and thrust the truck into gear. He’d learned a lesson in the harshest way possible and kept all of his attention on the road, arriving home in one piece. He let himself in the back as normal, kicking off his boots by the door. Josie hated when he tracked work-dirt all over the house. Not that it mattered now. She was gone. The house was silent. Empty.
An ache in his sternum spread out, flooding every inch of his body. His gut churned, his eyes burned and his throat tightened until he could barely breathe. Dear fucking God, this wasn’t their home anymore. It was a house, an empty house. Furniture still filled the rooms, clothes hung in the closets and pictures lined the walls but it had no life without Josie and Sadie.
He yanked off his sweatshirt and crept into Sadie’s room like an invader. It smelled like baby wipes and Josie’s hairspray. Across from the crib, the single bed where his wife had slept for the past year was pressed against one wall. The covers were straight, the pillow tucked under the spread how she liked it. He sat, tugged the pillow fre
e and cradled it to his stomach.
“God Josie, help me fix this. I can’t lose you.”
He had no idea how long he sat there but the sun was setting fast when he tossed the pillow aside and strode into their bedroom. The comforter was pulled neatly over the sheets and the pajama shorts he’d left on the floor were folded on top of the dresser. Josie didn’t sleep here but she kept things tidy. It grated. If this was his space alone, then she should have let him wallow in his own mess.
But not Josie. She wasn’t wired that way. Never once had she fallen behind on any housework or even any of her schoolwork as far as he knew. Sadie had come into their lives and Josie just flowed through it like it was smooth sailing. The only casualty had been their marriage. That was in a shambles.
The fading sunlight drew his eye to the bed and what rested on top of his pillows. Her wedding and engagement rings. A scream started in his belly and worked its way up his throat. Only gritting his teeth kept it from pouring out. He picked up the rings and stared. She never took her rings off, ever. She’d even complained they’d removed them during her C-section. Now, she left them behind as if they’d lost all meaning for her.
Had they? Was he beating a dead horse? Had his marriage died while he was busy ignoring their problems? His fingers curled around the rings. No, damn it. He wouldn’t let them fail like this. He still loved her, had always loved her. He couldn’t believe she didn’t have some feeling for him. Jesus Christ, they’d made a life together, made a baby together. There had to be some spark he could fan back into a flame. There had to be. He couldn’t stomach the thought that everything was just cold ashes.
They needed to start over or something, find what they’d lost.
He dropped the rings in his pocket and marched out to the linen closet. Once he had linens and stuff gathered, he put those on the kitchen table and turned to the cabinets for food supplies. Then he remembered Josie hadn’t gone to the grocery store.
Fuck. Okay, detour. He would go.
In an hour, he was back and packed up the foodstuff he’d bought. Eyeing the stack critically, he wondered what else to do. Josie had always gotten stuff ready whenever they had to travel somewhere. But Josie wasn’t here. If he wanted her back here, he had to do this right.
Toiletries. Okay, he could do that. He gathered stuff for himself and noticed her stuff was missing. Her purple shampoo bottle had sat in the same spot in the shower since they’d gotten married. Now it was gone. Somehow her shampoo being missing hit almost harder than finding her rings.
Josie loved that pricy girly hair crap. She might use a cheaper body wash or a less high-end toothpaste but her shampoo was sacred. One time he’d ran out and used hers and damn, she’d ripped him a new ass. He’d laughed it off because he loved how her hair smelled. How many nights had he stretched beside her, drifting in that hazy world of half-sleep, content to smell her hair and know she’d be there when he woke in the morning?
A sardonic smile curled his lip. He was waxing poetic over God damn shampoo. How pathetic could he get?
When he couldn’t think of anything else to pack up, he headed to the kitchen. He’d forgotten to buy bread so he ate cookies and peanut butter on a spoon until his belly quit growling. He chugged one beer then grabbed another because why the fuck not? It wasn’t like he had to work in the morning and it was better than fisting the Jack Daniels until he couldn’t feel anything.
Every tiny noise echoed back to him in the house. He turned the television on just for noise, not even bothering to check the channel. Settling into the corner of the couch, he freed his phone from his pocket and scrolled to the contacts. Josie was number one. She had been his number one since the day they’d met.
He pressed her name before he thought to wonder if she would answer. Then sat through three rings until she did.
“Hey.”
“Hey.” He licked his lips, tasting peanut butter and beer and suddenly feeling guilty for indulging in such a bachelor meal. “How’s Sadie?”
“Exhausted. Daddy wore her out playing Peek-a-boo, Little Bunny Foo-Foo and chasing her around his chair. Mom’s giving her a bath now.”
“Can I say goodnight?”
“Sure.” She was a little hesitant but didn’t refuse. “In a few minutes when Mom brings her out. Sadie and the bath combined with my phone might be a bad thing.”
He chuckled but it died on his tongue. Diving in, he asked, “Do you think some counseling would help us?”
“Counseling?”
“Yeah, either Father Patrick or, I don’t know, a therapist or something?”
A tiny noise broke the airspace, not quite a scoff, not quite a laugh. “You always said counseling was for losers.”
“Yeah, well, we’re both losing out here, aren’t we?”
“I don’t know, Wade.”
“What do you know, Jo? Are we that broken that we can’t be fixed? Is it all gone?”
“Maybe.”
Fear shot out of his mouth but it sounded a hell of a lot like anger. “I don’t believe that. I won’t give up on us, damn it. I want to make this right somehow.”
“I don’t even know where to start.”
“We can start by talking. Can you get some time off?”
“For what?”
“For us. I bummed Mike’s cabin for a few days. We need to talk, really talk, and we can’t have that kind of discussion at your folks’ house and this place is supposed to be home. I figured neutral ground would be better.” Closing his eyes, he put all his chips on the table. “We had good memories of that place. I figure it can’t hurt.”
“I have to work Monday.”
“Screw your fucking job. Take a couple days off. I did. Go to the cabin with me and let’s hash this shit out.”
Eons ticked by. Coiled tight, he waited, silently pleading. Finally, her sigh bled across his ear. “Wade, what do you think this is going to accomplish? Seriously, is it worth it to stir up all kinds of shit? Can’t we just…move on?”
Something in her tone raised the hair on the back of his neck. “Move on how? You left me, Jo. This is more than a fight over the toilet seat being left up. I know things have been shit lately but I think we can get through this. If you want to. Do you?”
“I don’t know.”
The scream he hadn’t let free in the bedroom nearly choked him but he pressed his hand to his mouth until it gave up and sank back to his belly. His swallow tasted like spoiled meat. “What do you want?”
A wet snort careened through the line and seared his ear. “I don’t know. I don’t know what I want anymore. I just can’t live like this.”
“Like what?”
In the background, he heard her Dad mumbling about the ballgame and the ding of the microwave. She must have moved because the sound died away and then there was a door shutting. Each millisecond of her silence ratcheted his nerves tighter until he realized he was gripping the couch cushion so hard his hand was hurting. Deliberately, he let go.
“I don’t know you anymore. You’ve changed since the accident.”
“How? I mean, I assume you don’t mean the scars or my damned limp so tell me.”
“You’re so quiet. We don’t talk anymore.”
Frustration shot through him. “Yeah, because every time I tried to talk to you, you were too fucking busy to listen. Either Sadie needed you or your class needed you or the PTA needed you or hell, the fucking pope needed you. You had time for everyone but me.”
“I had a new baby, a sick one.”
“So did I, Jo.”
“You were a mess. You could barely take care of yourself back then, how could you take care of an infant with all Sadie’s needs? I left you alone to heal, to mend, hoping that when that happened, you’d wake the hell up and remember you had a wife and a baby.”
“I never forgot that.” His voice had risen. Pinching the bridge of his nose, he tried to calm down. He let his head fall back. “Look, yelling at each other isn’t going to fix shit.�
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“Couldn’t hurt,” she muttered so low he barely heard her. But he had heard her and couldn’t ignore it.
“Is that what you think we need? A knock down drag out fight to clear the air?”
The grunt that slammed into his eardrum was far from feminine but carried her irritation damned clear. “I don’t want a fist fight with you, Wade.”
“Jesus, Josie. I’ve never hit you and never will, you should know that.” He surged to his feet, unable to sit still. “What I mean is maybe we need to lay everything on the table, nothing held back. It either works or it doesn’t but if not, then we can both walk away knowing we gave it everything we have.”
“I don’t know. Maybe.”
His feet stopped, toes digging into the carpet. “Can you answer one thing for me first? Please? And I need you to be one hundred percent honest, no holds barred.”
“Okay.”
“Do you still love me?”
One…two…three… Each number ticked off in his head and twisted a barbed wire knot around his chest. He made it to sixty-four before she drew a slow breath.
“Yes. I do.”
Blood sped away from his head and dizziness swamped him. Jesus, he hadn’t realized how scared he was until she said that. His knees hit the floor and he squeezed his eyes shut. “I love you, Josie. Please fight for us. Fight with me for us.”
“Okay.”
Chapter Three
Wade picked her up at ten. Her parents had taken her car with the car seat and set out on a great adventure of showing off their only grandchild to Josie’s mom’s Ladies Club and her dad’s Moose buddies. She’d overheard whispered promises of French fries and ice cream but knew they were really clearing out before Wade showed up. They liked him, especially her father, and their separation was troubling to them as well.
Wade had flung her bag into the truck bed and they’d set off with only a few necessary words spoken between them. The one-hour drive dragged like a half-dead mule as he glared at the road and she stared at the thickening treeline passing by.
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