Six Superhero Stories

by Robert T. Jeschonek

  Partycrasher hauls me up by the front of my costume and snarls the words in my face. "I'm not your partner, and I've never been your friend!" He looks mad enough to bite my nose off, I swear to God.

  Tears trickle down the ragged maze of my cracked and lumpy cheeks. "It's Brainteazer, isn't it? Or Non Compos Mentis? One of them g-got inside your h-head, didn't they?"

  "You delusional idiot!" He shakes me like a rag doll--a rag doll he hates with every fiber of his being. "For the last time! There. Is. No. Mind control."

  I wince at him with all the deep and tragic affection welling up in my heart. "They're m-making you say that, I know..."

  He shakes me again. "Brainteazer isn't even in the super-villain game anymore! He's in Silicon Valley working on mind-machine interface systems!"

  "Th-that's what he wants you to think."

  "And Non Compos Mentis died from a drug overdose!"

  "They've totally t-taken you over...haven't they?" I shake my head slowly. "They've stolen...my p-partner...the g-greatest crimefighter this city has ever...the world has ever..."

  "I'm not your partner!" He screams the words so loud it hurts. "All you've ever been is a deluded wannabe who I should've killed long..."

  *****

  INTRODUCING THE ONE AND ONLY RAVE SIGNAL!

  When did Partycrasher give me the fabulous Rave Signal? I'm glad you asked.

  I was in the hospital, right? This was six months after Partycrasher and I joined forces. By then, we were both wearing the same costume and going by the same code name--all the better to confuse the underworld element, he always said.

  Anyway, I was laid up after a solo battle with Ballbuster and the Let 'Em Eat Cake Gang. Imagine a band of seven goons all dressed like Marie Antoinette, but with weaponized hairpins and flying guillotines. As for Ballbuster, she was the ultimate butch lesbian with a fetish for striking below the belt.

  I was left in a full body cast, more or less, confined to my hospital bed. My first night there, I heard a knock at the door, and it was Partycrasher. He swirled into the darkened room like a cloud of smoke.

  "Hey there, chum." He brought in a bouquet of flowers and put it on the nightstand. "I'm so sorry about all this."

  "There's nothing to be sorry about." I smiled and shrugged. "Comes with the territory."

  He shook his head and sat down in a chair in the corner, in the shadows. "If only I'd gotten there quicker. If only I'd known...perhaps I could've dispatched Fugu and Amanita faster and raced across town to your side before they hurt you."

  "You can't be everywhere at once," I said. "I'm just grateful to be able to do my part in your name. Taking an occasional beating is a price I'm willing to pay for that privilege."

  He propped his elbows on the armrests and steepled his fingers against his chin. "Never again."

  I panicked. "You're not firing me? You're not taking away my black and gray?"

  For a long moment, I thought that was exactly what he meant. He said nothing, just stared at me from the shadowy corner.

  Then, leather gloves creaking, he pushed himself up from the chair. "I will never fire you, my faithful ally." Reaching down, he unsnapped a pocket on his multi-belt and drew out a loop of gold metal. "But I will make you safer."

  His black cape rustled as he crossed the moonbeam streaming in through the window. He held up the golden loop and turned it between his fingers.

  "W-what is it?" I asked.

  "The Rave Signal," said Partycrasher. "A secret signal that will alert me if you're in danger. It's an anklet." He held it out to me. "When the threat is too great, simply kick it, and the signal tone will be transmitted to my headgear." He patted the crown of his black cowl, which was threaded with sophisticated electronics. "I will be there in a flash."

  I felt choked up when he handed it to me. "Thank you, Partycrasher. I can't tell you what this means to me..."

  "No more than our alliance means to me." With that, he held out his gloved hand with the thumb and third finger extended--configured for the official Party Line handshake.

  I returned the shake, twisting my hand clockwise as he turned his counterclockwise. "Criminals," I said, beginning our traditional oath, "your party is over."

  "We're not invited," said Partycrasher, "and we're showing up anyway."

  I grinned and held the Rave Signal tight in my fist. "I swear, I will use this wisely, and will never betray your..."

  *****

  EVEN A HERO CAN GO INSANE!

  "If y-you're not my partner...n-not my f-friend..." I struggle to get out the words as he pastes me again across the kisser. "Th-then why did you give me...the Rave Signal?"

  Partycrasher throws his head back and rolls his eyes skyward. "How many times do I have to tell you? It was an ankle monitor, moron! It was supposed to alert law enforcement any time you violated the restraining order and got within thirty feet of me!"

  Though I'm the one suffering and bleeding, I gaze up at him with pity. "They really g-got to you...didn't they? Got in d-deep." I shake my head at him. "Was it Thinkupine? Neuronicus?"

  "Oh my God!" His eyes are huge as he glares down at me. "Can you imagine how sick to death I am of listening to your delirious bullshit?"

  "I know. It w-was Heads-I-Win, wasn't it?" I gurgle up a mouthful of bloody foam. "He t-took control of you...once before...remember?"

  "Why do I bother trying to talk sense to you?" Partycrasher hauls back a booted foot, aiming the toe at my gut. "You're hopeless. You're a lunatic."

  "It can't be Linda Loveblind..." It hurts to move, but I curl up against the blow to come. "Sh-she's already...g-gone..."

  Maybe it does have something to with Linda Loveblind. What I say pushes him over the top.

  "Her name is Maria!" he screams as his steel-toed boot connects with my belly. "And you know damn well that she was my..."

  *****

  FAIRER SEX OR TERROR SEX? YOU BE THE JUDGE!

  We had a real golden age there for a while. The two Partycrashers cleaned up Isosceles City in a big way. The streets were safe again at night, can you imagine?

  Together, Partycrasher and I took down Tic Tac Moe and the Greenstamps Gang...Fill-'Er-Up and Liver Spot...Coke Furnace and the Five Ingots. When no one else could stop Fifty-Three Flavors and the Himalayan from liquefying every bone within a hundred mile radius, guess who saved the day? And when Pharmacopia turned everyone in the city, except us, into drugged-out screaming zombies, only the Partycrashers managed to cancel his prescription.

  We even saved the world once, I swear to God. When Core Sample resurrected Invicticus, the living soul of all fossil fuels, the planet was doomed. Only our quick thinking and decisive action stopped them from igniting every deposit of oil, gas, and coal in the world at once. (We used philosophy and alien weapons from Area 51, that's all I'll say.)

  We made the headlines almost every day. The President gave us Congressional Medals of Honor. Little kids wrote more letters to us than to Santa Claus. It was the happiest time of my life.

  Then, she showed up.

  When we first met her, she was a super-villainess--part of the Chick Posse. They were really tearing up the town in those days, staging spectacular robberies and running rings around every cop and hero who tried to stop them. They even gave us a run for our money that first time at the Diamond Show robbery.

  There were seven of them that day. They came to steal an exhibit of crown jewels from around the world, on loan for the Diamond Show's fiftieth anniversary.

  Lady of the Night dazzled the guards with her feminine wiles. Sarah Firma used her control of dirt and rock to tunnel past the security system. When the alarms went off anyway, Catfight and Henny Penny exploded into action, battling guards and cops alike with feline and avian savagery. Fashionista used her control over articles of clothing to bind and imprison the first heroes on the scene. After that, Dee Flower cast an erotic spell over the mind of every man and woman in range.

  And then there was her, Linda Loveblind. Whe
n Partycrasher and I charged onto the scene, she used her control of the sense of sight to render us useless. We kept fighting what we thought were Chick Posse members, but in actuality, we were only fighting each other.

  Thankfully, though, I was able to break free before it was too late. Instead of fighting everyone who looked like a Chick Posse woman, I went after the one person who looked like my partner--the person who was in reality Linda Loveblind. After I knocked her out, Partycrasher saw clearly again, and the two of us made short work of the Posse.

  But even as the cops hauled them off in power-nullifying bonds and helmets, I had a terrible feeling we hadn't seen the last of them--and of her in particular. Because I saw her flash a look at Partycrasher, and he didn't look away.

  I'd seen that look before. I knew what it meant.

  "Good riddance to bad rubbish," I said as the paddy wagon pulled away.

  "I do believe in rehabilitation, you know." Partycrasher wouldn't take his eyes off the wagon. "Perhaps there is hope for even the most hardened offenders."

  I smacked him on the back. "You're not goin' soft on me now, are you?"

  He watched the paddy wagon a moment more, then turned my way and grinned. "Never in a million years, chum."

  "That one dame had an influence on you, I know. Just remember, her power is to control the way you see things."

  "Thanks for your concern," said Partycrasher, "but nothing will ever get in the way of my never-ending war on crime. Not even..."

  *****

  CAN A SUPER-HERO BROMANCE SURVIVE THE ULTIMATE CHALLENGE?

  "You can b-beat this." I force out the words between kicks to my stomach. "B-break Linda's...evil spell."

  "Her name wasn't Linda!" He bends down and grabs me by the throat. "Say it! Say her actual name!"

  "I b-believe...in you." I choke as his hand tightens. "I will never stop...being your..."

  "I want to hear you say it!" He shakes me by the neck. "Just once! Say her fucking name!"

  I realize something now, for the first time: there might not be a way out of this for me. Whoever's controlling him, they've got their hooks set deep. Nothing I've said has shaken his belief in his twisted version of reality.

  "Say it!" He looks like he's out of his mind as he bellows the words. "Her name is Maria! Maria Maria Maria! And what was she?" He jerks me by the neck again. "Tell me what she was to me!"

  "P-Partygirl." Just saying the word makes me feel sick. So much hate, bubbling within every cell of my broken body. "She was P-P--"

  "No she was not!" He tightens his grip to the point of near-strangulation. "You know damn well she was my..."

  *****

  A BOLD NEW HEROINE JOINS THE PARTY LINE LINEUP!

  I'll never forget when Partycrasher said these words to me: "That's right. Linda Loveblind has gone straight. And she's changed her code name to Partygirl."

  I'd never been so sorry about being right in my life. I'd known from that day at the Diamond Show that we hadn't seen the last of Linda Loveblind. I'd caught the look she'd shared with Partycrasher as the cops had led her to the paddy wagon, and I'd known.

  Now here she was, standing in our own secret headquarters, I shit you not. Linda Loveblind herself, card-carrying member of the crime-loving Chick Posse, was in the heart of the one-and-only Party Creche.

  She might have been wearing a new costume--a modified little black dress with a black domino mask and red-lined black cape--but she wasn't fooling me. I wasn't the one thinking with my nads.

  I knew that her being there did not bode well for the Partycrasher Squared team.

  "I look forward to working with you, Tim." Linda held out one black-gloved hand.

  I wouldn't take it. I couldn't believe the words that had just come out of her mouth. "Oh my God." I gaped at Partycrasher. "You told her my secret identity?"

  "She needs to know," he told me. "Now that she's a member of the Party Line, she needs..."

  "No!" I remember stumbling to a chair and dropping into it. "You can't just let her join like that." I remember my hands shaking, my heart pounding. I remember feeling sad and scared and sick all at once.

  I remember thinking that this was the end of the world.

  "Don't worry, chum." Partycrasher walked over and patted my back. "It'll be all right. I promise."

  But he was wrong. So very, very wrong.

  Our golden age ended that day. Everything went downhill from there.

  Every adventure she was part of turned into a disaster one way or another. When we took on Extreme Umbrage and the Walking Tire Fire, an entire neighborhood went up in flames because Linda let herself be taken hostage. A few days later, Dr. Scatological got the drop on me because I was distracted by Linda's screams for help; I ended up with a severe case of temporary Tourette syndrome that made me blurt obscenities in front of a TV news crew.

  Sword-Swallower and Haggis Master got away from us twice--twice--because Linda insisted she understood their cypher clues better than Partycrasher did. Wild Goose led us all the way to the Canadian Maritimes for the same reason, in search of a doomsday device that didn't exist. Then there was the day Trophy Wife, MILF, and The Mammarian caught us in a trap that never would have worked in the pre-Linda days. We had to be rescued by firefighters, extracted from a giant party favor with the jaws of life.

  As for the Win, Place, and Show affair, I don't even want to talk about it. The day three tenth rate losers like them could trick us into a collapsing glue factory that nearly got us all killed was the day we became a true embarrassment to the crimefighting community.

  Did Partycrasher even seem to notice how far we'd fallen? No, he did not. He seemed perfectly happy throughout all our debacles, as if he were having fun. The public displays of affection with Linda grew more and more obnoxious, and the baby-talk just got more sickening.

  Still, in my heart, I never gave up on him. I always believed I could somehow save him and restore the Partycrasher Squared team to its glory days.

  Even when he told me the big news. Even then.

  "Partygirl and I are getting married, chum!" He told me this in the Party Creche one night, when we were alone. "Can you believe it?"

  I could, unfortunately. It wasn't like I hadn't seen it coming. "Huh."

  Grinning, he grabbed me by the shoulders. "Well, aren't you going to congratulate me?"

  I wondered what to say. Should I let the moment pass and play along, pretending I was happy for him? Wouldn't that just strengthen her hold on him?

  "Don't do it." I shook my head grimly. "Please, Partycrasher. Don't do it."

  He frowned in disbelief. "I thought you'd be happy for me." He let go of my shoulders. "I was going to ask you to be my best man."

  "Can't you see what she's done to you?" I said. "How she's gotten inside your head?"

  "It's called love, Tim. It's a good thing."

  "Listen to me!" I grabbed hold of his upper arms and gave him a shake. "If someone managed to brainwash you, would you even know it? If your mind was being controlled, how could you tell what you were really feeling?"

  He looked hurt. "I'm not brainwashed, Tim."

  "But what if someone had warped your perceptions? It's what she does, Partycrasher. It's her super-power!"

  Partycrasher's expression was one of wounded betrayal. "Don't do this, Tim." He shook free of my grip and stepped back from me. "Please don't do this."

  "Wait." I knew I was losing him. Her influence was too strong. "What if I asked you...to choose? Choose between me and her?"

  He stared at me for a long moment, and then his expression changed from hurt to pity. "Don't ask me that, Tim." He turned and walked toward the Partymobile. "I don't think you'll like the answer."

  So that was it. Now I knew where I stood. I had taken the full measure of Linda's power over him, and all was clear to me. In a contest of wills, she would always win.

  But even then, I still did not give up on him. Because I still had one ace up my sleeve, one way to stop his final de
scent and corruption. One way to thwart Linda's final triumph.

  And the sweet irony of it all was that Partycrasher himself had given it to me in the first place. He was the deliverer of his own salvation in the form of the astounding...

  *****

  WHEN PARTYCRASHERS COLLIDE!

  It's harder than ever to force out the words. "Y-you can't b-be...legally married...to a c-creature...of p-pure, unearthly...evil."

  "You delusional..." Partycrasher kicks me in the belly with what feels like all his strength. "...psychopathic..." Then he kicks me in the chest with staggering force. "...maniac!" Next, he hauls back his foot and kicks me in what's left of my face. "She was a woman! She was my wife!" Then, another kick to the face for good measure. "And you...you stalked her and you..."

  "P-protected you." My jaw won't move right anymore. I think it's broken. "I d-did what you t-told me...when you g-gave me the..."

  "I didn't give you anything! You stole it!"

  "Y-you said...if you ever f-fell...under c-control...of an evil f-force..." I suck in a deep breath and push myself to keep going. "If you were ever t-turned...against the cause of j-j-justice...I should use it on you. I sh-should use the..."

  "There is no such thing as a De-Evilizer!" Partygoer kicks me in the face again. "It was only ever an ordinary..."

  *****

  ONE MAN, ONE WOMAN, ONE SHOT!

  When I kicked the door in, I found Linda sitting in a chair, waiting for me. She was wearing a red, satiny gown with arcane symbols embroidered in black along the low neckline. "Oh, hello, Tim." She put aside the book she'd been reading and smiled. "What can I do for you?"

  Without a word, I pulled the De-Evilizer from its holster on my hip. The gleaming silver metal of its body felt warm in my grip.