by K. M. Galvin
“All right. I’m only going to tell you this once and if I ever hear you throw this in my brother’s face again, I will never forgive you.” She waited until I nodded. “When our parents died, Jase lost it. I think he took it harder than I did. Not saying I didn’t suffer or lash out, Mikey is proof of that, but Jase went off the deep end. He was never this player that hooked up with chicks constantly, not giving two shits about them and send them packing in the morning. Our parents didn’t raise him that way and Jase isn’t wired that way. He’s probably the most comfortable man in the world with his feelings. It’s not a weakness and it certainly doesn’t make him less of a man because he doesn’t go around paddling chicks in the bedroom because his daddy didn’t love him.” I choked out a laugh at that. Emily has a way with words.
“Our parents were openly affectionate, with themselves and with us. Added to that, Jase is a musician; his soul is naturally more poetic. This all changed when they died. It was like his light shut off and everything that made him such a beautiful, caring man disappeared. He was drowning himself because he felt his pain too keenly. Women, booze, and music became his life. I was thrown to the wayside, and to this day it still haunts him. I was wild; doing the same shit only he was more careful. I, on the other hand, could care less if I was hurt or if I hurt someone in the process.
Then I met Jackson. He was a bastard, but he didn’t ask questions and that’s what I needed. I’m sure you can guess where that went.” She paused for a second and looked at me straight in the eye. My heart broke a little when I saw the pain and embarrassment in her eyes. “When I found out I was pregnant, I lost it. It was like my parents death all over again. Declan called and told him what happened. He assured me everything was going to be ok, and then the next morning Jason showed up at the front door. He was a mess. He felt so guilty about leaving me to deal with out parent’s death and not being here when I needed him. He dropped everything for me. I have my own guilt where that’s concerned, but that’s a story for another time. So you see? Both times that he was away, both times that he was slutting it up something terrible happened.” We were both quiet when she finished, lost in thought.
“And then I left him.” I cringe. Guilt and shame flooded me and I took a deep breath to hold the tears at bay.
“I get why you’re doing it. You are basically doing what Jase did for me all those years ago, but Jase needs you Mari. You make him better, and you’re the first thing he claimed for himself in years. You need to stop running. Why is it so hard to believe that you can be loved?”
“He burns so bright, Em. It’s hard sometimes not to get blinded and fall into the shadows.”
“You have a lot going for you now, Mari. You’re not the same girl that ran into a bar in a panic because you couldn’t face what life had dealt you. You’ve grown up, and finding yourself isn’t something that happens in a couple weeks. Finding out who you are is a process that takes a lifetime.”
“You’re right.”
“Babe, I’m always right. I got that Mom knowledge.” She winks making me laugh.
“So what now?”
“Now we work on the final draft of your first issue and get you prepped for the meeting in two days. Put Jase on the back burner for now.”
I nodded, “I just wish I could tell him what’s going on. I miss my best friend.”
“He knows. He may not be talking to you, but he’s talking to me and Declan.”
Huffing a breath, I reached in my bag and brought out a notepad and pen. “Ok, give me your notes, I’m ready to make this article my bitch.”
CHAPTER THIRTY-FIVE
I’ve learned over the last few weeks that I am stronger than I think, and I can live without Jase. That I can be this Marisol on my own.
We still haven’t talked.
Emily hasn’t mentioned him to me and for that I’m thankful. My new boss, Frank, is hilarious. After my meeting with him we sat around and talked for a while, he was an easy guy to be around and I could see why Em liked him so much.
Not to say he doesn’t bust my proverbial balls when he needs to. After busting my ass on the first draft of my article, I was pretty proud to show him. Imagine my surprise when he threw it back at me demanding the real article. Confusion would be too tame of a word to describe what I felt in that moment. He told me that no one gets away with perfection on the first try. Perfection is something we strive for, getting closer with every attempt, while never actually achieving.
So I went back and wrote again, stripping away the fine touches and cliché little anecdotes I added to make what I was writing sound smart and hip. Instead I was brutally honest.
I bled my soul on paper.
Frank’s response was “better.” Emily said never to expect a pat on the head from Frank; he believes he has no business congratulating us. If we need his approval then we should go back and rewrite something that we know is fucking fantastic.
I’m starting to think Frank is a short, fat Italian Buddha.
“How’s the next one coming?” Emily asks from across me. We were at “our” table at the Starbucks we first met at. Call me a sap, but being near Shenanigan’s makes me feel closer to Jase even though I haven’t been able to bring myself to go inside.
“It’s going.” I said, keeping my eyes on the blinking cursor. Emily turns my computer towards her, sees that I’ve written nothing and huffs at me.
“Why is this document blank, Mari?” She asks. I shrug, keeping my eyes on my coffee. She grabs my coffee forcing my eyes on hers.
“What do you want, Em?” I sigh, beyond tired.
“When are you going to talk to him?” She asks. I hear a screeching laugh and look over to where Mikey is giggling with another little boy, coloring on some painted chalkboard on the wall.
“I’m not the one avoiding.” I said quietly, still watching Mikey. God, sometimes it hurts to look at him. Other times it’s like I can’t look away. My eyes burn and I blink them, trying to fight the emotion.
“Mari-” She begins again.
I can’t talk about this in public.
I hold up my hand, stopping her and call out to Mikey. He comes running over to us and throws himself into my arms. Snuggling him to me, I turn to Emily. She looks at me with a sad smile.
“Come on, let’s go back to your house. I can’t talk about this here.”
We climb into her car and as we pull away I stare at Shenanigan’s.
After Mikey went to bed, I’m curled up with Em watching The Office. I snuggle deeper inside Jason’s hoodie and catch a whiff of his scent. God, I’m pathetic.
“Ok, I think it’s time for the grand gesture.” She said.
I pull back, sniffling and rubbing my tears and snot on Jason’s hoodie. Emily eyed me with disgust. I haven’t washed it and probably still wouldn’t as long as it smelled like him. What a freak.
“What do you mean?” I asked.
“Come on! Are you really that lame of a romantic? The grand gesture! It’s in every romance book and movie. When you do something big to show the other person you love them and you’re sorry!”
“Why do I have to do the grand gesture? Why can’t he?” I bitched. Yes, I was annoying myself too.
“Ugh! Stop. You’re doing it and I’m going to help you. Think of it this way. If you’re the one doing the grand gesture then you can hold it over his head forever.” She leered.
“You are fucked up.” I state matter of fact.
“Yes, this I know.” She agreed and then was quiet, letting me think this through.
I missed him and I was ready to fight for us. Although not hearing from him in two weeks made me a little nervous at how he would receive it. “How do I know he even still wants to work things out with me?”
“You’re kidding right?” She asked skeptically. I shook my head. “Mari, he calls me everyday for updates on you. I literally have to spend hours on the phone talking to him about you and listening to him talk about you. He is pathetic. It’s like yo
u stole his balls or something.” I snorted out a laugh, but felt a lot better.
“Ok.” I said.
“Ok?” She asked questionably.
“Yes, ok, I’ll do it. The grand gesture.” I smiled. Emily whooped and pounced on me. “Ow!” I yelped when her knee made contact with my bladder.
“Ok! She said ok! The grand gesture!” She yelled. And of course this woke up Mikey, who came shuffling into the living room in his Spiderman pajamas and slippers.
He took one look at his mom tackling me and said, “What are you guys doing?”
“The grand gesture, son! She said ok!” Emily crowed, running over to pick up Mikey and swing him around. He squealed.
“What’s a grand gesture?” He asked, still laughing at his mom’s antics.
“It’s going to get Uncle Jason back!” She squealed and then Mikey was whooping about grand gestures. I sat on the couch laughing at them both. I felt better than I had in weeks. They fell on the floor, gasping for breath and then Emily looked over at me. “Jason’s coming home party is the day after tomorrow. We gotta plan.” I nodded, scared, but willing to do whatever it takes. I’m done running.
It was time to fight.
With help from Declan the plan was to basically crash his party at Shenanigan’s. Was I scared? Um, yes. Yes, I was.
I picked a song that said everything I wanted to and everything I couldn’t. It summed up our entire journey that began in this bar. Declan and the guys learned the song in record time, and I was so fucking thankful for them.
I dressed in the exact same outfit I wore the day we met, Emily’s suggestion. This took some convincing on her part, I really didn’t want the first time he saw me in over a month to be in ratty sweats. According to her, he fell in love with me like this so what did I care? She also worked out a picture slideshow of our months together with the help of Declan again. They hacked Jason’s computer and got all the pictures from there and I gave them the one’s I had. It was going to be epically cheesy, but Emily said that’s what a grand gesture was. I was out voted so I let her handle everything.
Now I was hiding backstage at Shenanigan’s while the Blake was introducing “a dear friend who wants to share something with someone special.” I felt like I was going to vomit everywhere, Exorcist style. Then it was my cue and I walked out on stage and everyone stopped talking. I almost wet myself having everyone’s undivided attention. The only saving grace was that the lights were so bright I couldn’t really see anything.
Squinting I put a hand over my eyes until I spotted Emily who gave me a thumbs up and pointed. Following the direction she was pointing in I locked on eyes on a pair of green one’s I missed desperately. He looked terrible, which made me both happy and sad.
He was also supremely surprised considering the size of his eyes at the moment. I gave him a small smile and shrugged. He began to shove his way to the front, but Emily grabbed his arm and whispered something in his ear. Whatever she said stopped him and he closed his eyes taking a deep breath before opening up those peepers I loved so much and smiled back at me. To say that I didn’t have a handle on my emotions was putting it lightly. Clearing my throat I looked over at Declan who gave me a thumbs up. I walked up to the microphone and opened my mouth.
“When I first came into this bar it was out of fear. I was running from the inevitable. Something that seems to be a habit of mine.” I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, trying to control my voice. “It was in this bar that I met my best friend, who I came to love more than anything. I don’t know if you’ll ever realize how much you helped me. I was lost. I didn’t know who I was and I certainly didn’t know if I was someone that not only you could love, but someone I could love.
But you proved me wrong time and again and eventually I stopped running and gave into you. I was helpless against you. You made me feel like I was who I was supposed to be when I was with you. You taught me that it was ok to be scared and that feelings weren’t something to hoard to yourself. Making yourself vulnerable to someone wasn’t weak, but the bravest thing anyone can do.” I took another slow breath, trying to strengthen my shaky voice.
“Anyway I guess what I’m trying to say is that, I’m ready to fight for myself. I’m ready to fight for you, if you’re willing to fight with me. I’m stupid in love with you, Bartender.” I whispered this last part and couldn’t help the couple tears that fell from my eyes.
I turned and nodded to Trent who slapped out the countdown on his drumsticks, then opened my mouth and sang to him. I chose to sing Arms by Christina Perri. Girl had a way with words that just seemed to reflect everything I’ve ever felt. I hope Jason was listening to the lyrics. I kept my eyes on him the whole time.
His expression didn’t give anything away, but all you had to do was look into his eyes to see what he was feeling. Love and acceptance were blazing back at me and I couldn’t stop smiling.
Emily was crying hysterically next to him and I tried not to laugh at her. When the song was over, the guys gave me a huge group hug and Declan whispered, “Go get him,” and gave me a slap on the ass.
I punched his shoulder as I made my way off stage. All his friends were there and smiling at me. They parted for me as I weaved my way over to him. He was still standing there staring at me. Emily was still standing next to him sobbing uncontrollably. And Mikey, my Little Man, was standing next to his uncle picking his nose. The love I had for the Scott family was incredible; I only hoped they would have me. The minute I was in touching distance, Jason grabbed me into such a tight hug that I couldn’t breathe, but I didn’t care.
It felt too good to be back in his arms.
Leaning back he took my mouth in a desperate kiss. Finally, after realizing where we were he leaned back and rested his forehead against mine.
“I can’t do that ever again, Crazy. Never again.” He sighed against me.
“Me neither.” I whispered back.
“I’m so fucking sorry. So sorry. I’m such a coward when it comes to you, baby. I kept things from you because I was scared that if I said anything, you would leave me, but in the end keeping things from you is what drove you away. I’m so sorry.” He repeated. I reached up and put my hands on either side of his face and forced his head up to look at me.
“Stop. It’s my fault too. I know we’re both going to continue to fuck up, but I’m willing to fight for us if you are.”
“Baby, I’m coming out swinging.” He breathed, eyes bright with emotion.
“Good.” I kissed him again, sinking back into his arms. “I love you, Bartender.”
“I love you too, Crazy.”
“Oh my God!” Emily wailed so loudly it brought us out of our little bubble. “That’s so fucking romantic! I love you guys!” She attacked us both and smothered both our faces with snot kisses.
Mikey began dancing around us whooping and hollering about grand gestures. I laughed and looked back at Jason who was smiling down at me.
Sometimes going nowhere is the only option, but it doesn’t mean it’s a final destination.
Sometimes it’s just a pit stop on the road to somewhere better.
Soundtrack to Going Nowhere
I and Love and You by The Avett Brothers
I Would Be Sad by The Avett Brothers
Laundry Room by The Avett Brothers
Head Full of Doubt by The Avett Brothers
Stubborn Love by The Lumineers
What Now by Rihanna
Distance by Christina Perri
Arms by Christina Perri
After the Storm by Mumford and Sons
I Will Wait by Mumford and Sons
Lola by The Kinks
Up In Flame by Coldplay
Bravado by Lorde
Nothing Left to Say/Rocks by Imagine Dragons
If You Run by The Boxer Rebellion
Wildest Moments by Jessie Ware
XO by Beyoncé
The Wire by HAIM
My Song 5 by HAIM
Never
Let Me Go by Florence and the Machine
Author Letter to Reader
(In which I speak directly to you…muahaha!)
Hey peeps!
First, let me say thank you so much for checking out Going Nowhere. This book…man, this book. To say it was a labor of love would be such an understatement. I began writing GN after I graduated college as an outlet for all the frustration, depression, and boredom I was experiencing. Her story went through many transformations while I was writing and when I finished, I realized that it was more of an introduction into the Scott family.
So what does this mean for y’all? If you’ve read this far and happened to like GN (to which I would like to say, “You like it? Seriously? Are you ok with being loved by a stranger? Cause I love you. Like a lot.”) then you’ll be happy to know that Going Forward is up next and it will be featuring…Emily! Buckle up kiddos, we’re going back in time and the Emily you will meet is loads different then the Emily we know now!
Thank you so much for taking a chance on Marisol and me. She can be a pain in the ass, trust me I know! Check me out on Twitter and Facebook! I’d love to hear from you!
Happy Reading!
KM
Acknowledgements
I would like to thank all my beta readers: you guys rock! You didn’t have to take the time to get to know my characters, but I’m glad you did! Thanks for listening to me ramble or reading my epic poems aka emails, I appreciate all of you!
To Nadia - you edited, listened, argued, cared and pushed this book and me. You’re ear, brain, and support are invaluable. My fellow book junkie, Page Trotter, and bestie: I heart the shit out of you!
AJ Sand! Thank you for being my writing buddy! Our four-hour convo’s about our annoying characters and all other awesome writing nonsense (i.e.-sex and dudes and more sex and even more dudes) made my weeks. I love you, lady!
