Exhale and Move On

by K. L. Shandwick

  As Dwayne’s door handle clicked, we slid away from each other and sat back, appearing innocent like we’d done many times before, but I prayed for the day when we no longer had to carry on with the façade of us being business acquaintances for appearances' sake, because Jody was anything but innocent whenever we were alone.

  Our private pad was only twenty-five minutes from the airport but it felt a lot longer than that as he sat so near and I couldn’t touch his fabulous body like I wanted to.

  Jody thought Dwayne had no idea about us, but I saw the way he narrowed his eyes at his boss whenever I was around. He thought I’d never noticed, but I had. I kept it to myself and never mentioned it to Jody though because I knew he’d have freaked the fuck out. Nevertheless, we pretended to talk about made up contracts for building investments I had no fucking idea about, until we arrived at the house.

  As far as everyone who knew of our connection was concerned, the relationship between Jody and me was strictly business. Being a senior partner in a well-respected property and contracts law firm, Jody had fought a battle of adversity to rise above the rest. He came from a working-class family just like I had, but against the odds he had become a senior partner in the firm.

  As a family who had mingled in the circles Jody had, his family commanded respect, and no matter what he felt for me, Jody was determined for it not to affect our social standing. I got that… mostly.

  I thought a little about the barriers he’d put in our way as I stared out the window, but it was soon forgotten when his hand slid between our legs. I grabbed it firmly and held it tight, hiding it from view. As the journey progressed the sexual tension built between us and every mile of the journey felt like a hundred.

  All I wanted was the feel of his fabulous lips on mine. I was so fucking horny I thought my cock would break if it didn’t get some action urgently. We hadn’t seen each other for almost three months and apart from the occasional dirty phone call we’d had no time at all together.

  Dwayne dropped us off at the house—my assistant’s house as far as Dwayne was concerned—and was dismissed by Jody. He always had this elaborate story about one of my cars taking him to his airport hotel. He made the same booking for his room and booked the same flight out to his imaginary business trip every time I came back into town.

  Dwayne placed our carryon bags in the hallway, bid his farewell, and as I closed the door and turned, Jody was leaning against the bannister by the stairs.

  "So, tell me, Florida, three women—is there any truth in that?” His eyes showed a hint of jealously when I turned to look at him and he sounded frustrated.

  We’d always been honest about my feelings and my conquests. Our situation was unique to us and complicated. But he had defined the boundaries of that, so I nodded honestly. Immediately his lips formed a tight line as he pressed them together and his jaw ticked in anger at my admission.

  “Fuck, Rick. What do you need with three women?”

  I stared long and hard then inhaled deeply because I knew whatever I said was going to start an argument. After a long journey it was the last thing I had wanted. But he asked, so I answered and pulled no punches with the truth.

  “What I don’t have in our relationship, Jody. Comfort, attention, companionship.”

  He spun to face me, a shocked look on his face, “I don’t fulfil you anymore?”

  “Sexually, of course you do. It’s the empty life I have other than the time we spend together that I use them for.”

  “Rick, we talked about this and I thought you were cool with how it had to be.”

  “I think you’re the one that’s cool with it all if I’m completely honest. You have two lives, Jody. One where you get to be an awesome dad and bring up these amazing kids, have a beautiful wife you curl up to every night, and a fabulous social and work life. And then there’s this one with me.”

  “Yeah and poor Rick only has celebrity parties and the hottest chicks in the world to bang every night. You have freedom to travel the world and decide your own schedule.”

  “You think? I didn’t make the rules for this, Jody. Those are on you. You still fuck your wife, don’t you? If you want me to change, you know what you need to do, but until then I do what I need to get by.”

  I stared pointedly at him and felt totally pissed off that he’d thrown my life back at me when I had to tolerate his. “My world revolves around the times when you can duck out of that perfect existence you portray, to come and explore your gay side with me. My whole schedule is built around your diary. You have no idea what it’s been like to live alone all these years.”

  “What can I say? I have responsibilities. And as for the gay comment… we’re back to that, huh? If I wanted to explore my ‘gay side’ as you put it, I could have fucked thousands of men in the past eight years. Just like you fucked thousands of women. You think it’s any easier for me to see all that shit in the newspapers? Is that you exploring your heterosexual side?”

  “Fuck! I don’t know, Jody. Is it? You want me, but you don’t. I spend my fucking life creeping around in the dark to keep your precious reputation intact and you still think you have the right to give me shit? You’re fucking incredible. You want the truth? My life’s a mess because of us,” I hissed suddenly intolerant of his arrogance.

  “How many times have we been here? I’ve explained all that and I thought you…”

  “Understood? Yeah, I understand that I’ve been good enough to fuck you senseless for all these years but not good enough to claim. I know you’ve said you can’t because of this or that, but what you’ve really been saying is I’m good, but not really good enough, isn’t that right? The difference between you and me is that I’d walk out that front door holding your hand and be proud to do that. You can’t say the same, can you, Jody?”

  When he stood looking helpless, I remained silent until he looked down at his shoes. I knew there and then that the agony I felt about my empty life would be my fate for the rest of my life if I didn’t call a halt to us.

  For the first five years I’d accepted when he’d said, “It’ll be different once Hannah reaches eighteen.” Hannah was now almost twenty-two. She was his youngest and Jody was about to have his forty-sixth birthday.

  Suddenly I had an epiphany that what we had was all we ever would be, and Jody had been stringing me along… he was never going to change. My immediate thought was how much of an ass I’d been not to have seen it before. My second thought was, he’d had all the time I was willing to give.

  Wandering over to the fridge he pulled two beers out. “Let’s start again. I missed you, babe,” he said and gave me a sheepish smirk.

  As if a fog had cleared from my eyes I saw the way he had always dismissed my feelings. It said it all about how seriously he took us, and something just snapped. No matter what I felt for him I knew I was done. Pulling out my cell, I called Jed. “I need you to come pick me up.”

  Jed never questioned me, and he knew where I was. Despite Jody’s insistence no one knew where our place was, I’d confided in Jed. He was my right-hand man and my confidante. There wasn’t much Jed didn’t know about me. I trusted him with my life and he’d never let me down.

  Jody slammed the fridge door and quickly crossed the room to be by my side. “That was a bit dramatic? Who was that you called?”

  When I sat down to wait by the window he sat on the coffee table facing me. “What’s going on? Where are you going?”

  “I’m getting the fuck away from you, that’s where I’m going. I just had a vision of the rest of my life. You know how I feel about you, but I’m done. If it means going cold turkey to be done with this shit, I’ve gotta do it.”

  Jody snickered in disbelief, stood, and wandered around the room. Striding back, he sat down in the same position as before then reached out and tried to take my hand. I pulled it roughly away from him before he could grab a hold and clasped my fingers together.

  “Don’t touch me. I’m outta here. It’s like
some kind of thick veil has fallen away and I can see you clearly for the first time since we started doing this. This is all I’ll ever have of you, which tells me what a fool I’ve been all these years. At one time I told myself it was enough but the older I get and the longer this goes on, I know it isn’t anymore. You can keep your nice comfortable life with your nice comfortable wife and family, I’m ducking out. I’ll get on with my own life and you can keep lying to yourself you’re an upstanding heterosexual alpha-male, when we both know that isn’t the case.”

  His hand caught my bicep in a forceful grip. I knew he was about to make the same excuses I’d heard before and try to talk me round. He’d always managed it before, being a fast-talking lawyer, but I wasn’t interested in anything he had to say.

  “Rick, you know we’re never going to be done with each other so why don’t you cut this nonsense? Come, let me take you upstairs. You’re tired. Let’s have a warm soothing shower and you can work all that frustration out on my ass,” he said in a patronizing tone.

  Any other time an offer like that would have riled me up, but it did nothing but make me more adamant. My only way ahead was to carry out my threat while I had the strength to do it.

  “Thanks for the offer, but I’ll pass. You can stay here for the days you are supposed to be away but when it’s time to go leave your keys on the side and don’t come back. I’m putting this on the market next week. I mean it, Jody. I really am done. Yes, I care about you, but I’m too old to play your games a minute longer.”

  Jody looked shocked and ranted how sorry I’d be, that I would only punish myself if I left. He reckoned that once I’d calmed down and slept on it, I’d be back the following day. His comment showed me two things… how seriously he took my decision and how stupidly weak I’d been in the past.

  Jed arrived thirty-five minutes later, and all I felt was relief. He knew intuitively what to do and scooped up all my bags, set them in the trunk of his car, and ignored us as Jody pleaded with me to think again. When Jed was done, he nodded we were ready to leave. I walked out the door without looking back.

  Taking the seat next to Jed, I sat in silence and swallowed back the lump in my throat. It burned as I fought back tears not knowing if they’d have been shed for losing Jody or for being such a fool. Anger was my driver, and it kept me from losing it until Jed drove me to San Diego. Closing the door to my room I turned and stared at the huge empty bed then I bawled like a fucking girl. My heart hurt like hell and I felt like shit, but it was time I had a little self-respect.

  Chapter Five

  Straight Back on the Bike

  During my twenty years as a rock star I’d had many highs and lows. Some drug induced, and some from the way life kinked when I had least expected it to. Like those friends in the business that suddenly died, many before their time. Walking away from Jody felt on a par with those feelings.

  It was the one and only time I had ever committed to anyone and the reality of my decision hit me like a freight train. There had been times in my life when I’d weathered some serious shit, but I never expected the pain I felt at knowing I couldn’t have that one last time with Jody.

  Jed only allowed me two days and two nights to wallow in a drunken haze, talking shit, before he flung my ass in the shower and made me sober up. The clothes I’d been wearing when I had travelled home still lay in a pile on the floor beside my bed. I finally sat up and swung my feet to the floor, leaned down, and pulled my cell out of my jeans pocket—after two days the battery was flat.

  Delegating it to my minder to charge it up, I dragged my depressed ass into the shower feeling drained; bereaved from all the emotional shit that came with breaking up with someone. I’d all but forgotten that feeling since the last time I’d experienced it was when I was around twenty-one. A pang of pain stabbed me in the chest when I suppressed the hurt of that time and I stepped out the shower.

  Once I had dried off, my emotional state had marginally improved but my heart was full of remorse because of blowing up at Jody the way I had. Then I remembered how throwaway his comments were. His words gave me the strength to know I’d done the right thing. It didn’t prevent me from believing this was some kind of Karma because of how I had treated the women I’d used and forgotten over the years.

  Every time I thought I’d never touch him again, a new wave of grief washed over me, and an ache of longing grew deep down in my gut, but with Jed’s support I knew I would learn to stay strong and push past those feelings.

  I’d had plenty of experience of feeling like shit and knew after hitting rock bottom things could only get better. A part of me would never stop loving Jody—you don’t love someone that deep and for that long for that love to suddenly die—but given time, I figured I'd learn to live without him. All I had to do was exhale and move on.

  Once I’d made myself halfway human, I strode out from my bathroom and back into my bedroom. I flopped back on my bed naked with arms and legs outstretched and lay staring at the ceiling as my mind began to get busy with more thoughts of Jody. Then I sat up, shuffled to the edge of the mattress, and stood up. Taking responsibility for myself, I knew I had to do something to get out of the black mood before it engulfed me again.

  “Jed,” I hollered.

  “Yes, Boss?” he replied poking his head in the door.

  “We’re going to a club. Call the guys and see how they’re fixed. If they’re tied up we’re going anyway,” I decided.

  Jed softly closed the door and went downstairs to do as I asked. I stood in my closet scratching my balls as I wondered what to wear. Row after row was full of the same shit I’d been wearing for years because I had refused to allow anyone to throw anything away and I hated wearing new threads.

  Whenever the band’s stylists had wanted to do a makeover, I’d always told them to go take a flying fuck, believing people came to hear what I did, not judge me on the outfit I wore. Looking around me for something specific to wear for what I had in mind, I immediately regretted that decision.

  Staring at black and blue jeans; hundreds of t-shirts in shades of grey, black, and white; similar colored button-down shirts; and every cut of leather jacket possible, I figured it was time for an image change to start me afresh.

  “Jed?” I called out, opening the bedroom door again, “I want to go shopping for some new shit to wear as well,” I informed him. His head appeared round the door again, “Now?”

  Snickering, I nodded, “Yeah now, are you doing anything else?”

  “Not unless you’re going to turn into a chick with this post-breakup retail therapy shit, then maybe a trip to the spa or a nail bar is in order.” He replied, before he stared seriously for a few seconds then smirked.

  “Fuck off, Jed. I need some new threads. Have you seen some of the shit in my closet? It must be twenty years old.”

  Jed pulled out his cell and made a call, “Fredrick? Hey, Jed here. Can you make your way to Rick’s with some of those outfits you keep trying to get him to look at? Better hurry while he’s got his chick-head on, I dunno how long this episode is gonna last.”

  Fredrick and Walter were the image guys the PR company had hired to dress me for my public appearances. I’d never made it easy for them and the most I’d allowed them to change was the occasional t-shirt, or new boots when the soles began slipping on stage. Once I allowed them to change my belt. Since then I’ve had a dozen identical new ones.

  To me clothing was a personal thing. I just knew what worked and what was comfortable. Most designer shit looked like weird and wonderful catwalk gear and I knew apart from feeding their metrosexual desires, the materials they showed me wouldn’t have withstood the vigorous performances I gave. My reputation was bad enough. The last thing I needed was my balls breaking loose from shoddy crotch stitching and airing on stage. I got into enough trouble without that kind of help.

  “Am I not allowed to go out for my own clothes now?” I asked staring pointedly at Jed.

  “No way, Boss. I’m p
utting my foot down. It’s a week before Christmas and you’ll get fucking mobbed. My mom is expecting me for Christmas dinner; do you want her visiting me in some private hospital room instead? Or explaining to my aunt Maud how I got the shiner I’m sporting? My mom told her I was an executive in the music business. And anyway, when was the last time you were around Christmas shoppers? You’re Rick Fars, dude, you’d turn those shop crazed bitches into shop-crazed-bitches-in-heat.”

  “Can’t we close the stores while I’m there?” I asked waving his comments off as ridiculous.

  “Yeah if you want a riot on your hands and your balls in their very own casket. You may be a rock star but where Christmas shopping is concerned, moms, kids, and grandma’s come first.”

  I ran my hands through my hair in frustration, annoyed that I couldn’t even go out and get my own attire to wear. That’s it, fuck it! We’re going to Silked Masque. I need something vigorous to work this fucking mood out of me.”

  “Silked Masque? The sex club, you mean?”

  “You know of any other by that name?” I asked.

  Picking up my cell phone, I noticed twelve missed calls and four voice mails from Jody and my temper rose instantly. Fuck him. Jody underestimated me because I may have taken years to get to the point where I’d had enough, but whenever I made up my mind I never looked back. I deleted the calls and voicemails without listening then swiped though my contacts looking for the dude’s number who ran the club.

  “Bonjour? Is zist a ghost calling? I thought Rick Fars had passed away. Did you inherit his number?” I smiled when I heard the playful tone in his voice and I felt thankful he’d still kept my number on his phone.

  “Room for one more this evening, Darcy?” I asked as if there was any real need.