by Anne Bogel
We all have a preferred ratio of introverting to extraverting. The question to ask yourself is, Which do I do more of: introverting or extraverting? If you can answer that question, that’s terrific. If you can’t, take an assessment.12 Talk to a few friends about how they see you. And spend some time observing yourself and thinking through your behavior.
When you’re determining your type, it’s crucial to pay attention to how certain activities affect you, both in the moment and after the moment. The right questions to ask yourself include, How do I feel while I’m introverting and extraverting? Afterward, do I feel exhausted or energized?
Stacking the Deck in Your Favor
Once you understand yourself, you can stop fighting your natural tendencies and plan for them instead.
I’m a sociable introvert. I enjoy coffee dates and Christmas parties and weddings and neighborhood picnics. I love noisy family dinners and hosting playdates and chatting with other parents on the baseball sidelines. I get a little restless when I don’t get regular doses of social interaction. But when I get out of balance—when I spend too much time extraverting, according to my personal definition of “too much”—I am useless. When I ignore the warning signs and keep extraverting until I enter the Overtalked Introvert Danger Zone, I get totally overwhelmed and borderline rude and can barely string sentences together. I wish I were exaggerating.
This happened to me recently, and the memory is still fresh and painful. Not long ago, I spent a holiday weekend away from my family, holed up with a few fellow writers who were all facing imminent deadlines and needed focused time away to work.
I spent many hours that weekend by myself, just me and my work. But I also spent many enjoyable hours talking. Talking a lot. Many, many hours of talking. I was dangerously close to the Overtalked Introvert Danger Zone.
After four days away, spent talking and writing and talking some more, I was counting on the solo three-hour drive home to restore my equilibrium, because my family had dinner plans that night, plans I was really looking forward to. I wasn’t sure if it was wise to try to cram anything else into our holiday weekend, but I really wanted it to work. So, propelled by magical thinking, my husband and I scheduled a barbecue with good friends I was desperate to see.
I was so happy to be there, and it was so good to see everyone, but my brain refused to cooperate. If it had had the energy left to put together a coherent sentence, it would have said, “I refuse to cooperate until you take me home and let me read my hundred pages in peace.” I was drained. I was exhausted. And as much as I wanted to be there, I would have done everyone a favor if I’d just stayed home. Nobody likes to feel like they’re getting the leftovers, but that’s all I had to offer—and it was obvious.
Realizations that arise from these out-of-the-ordinary experiences change the way I approach my everyday life. I don’t live in an introverted paradise. I have a large family, and my house can get kind of rowdy. I’ve had to learn to carve out times of peace and quiet, to help my kids learn to (at least try) not talk to me when I’m reading, and to avoid talking on the phone when my mental and emotional batteries are in need of recharging. I’ve embraced the power of the long run and the short walk. I’ve become a big believer in a well-timed video for the kids so I can grab some downtime for myself. And I keep a close eye on the calendar to make sure my balance is right between introverting and extraverting, between noisy and quiet, between seeing friends and seeing nobody but myself.
Note that I keep saying my balance. We’re all different in this regard, and it’s up to you to figure out what your balance looks like.
Once you understand what you need, whether you’re an extrovert or an introvert, you can structure your days around what you need to thrive—or, at the very least, survive. Because, let’s be honest, some days that’s the best we can hope for.
Developing an Arsenal of Coping Strategies
Sometimes the balance of introverting and extraverting doesn’t fall exactly the way we want it to. Of course, we know it’s not always possible to get exactly what we need, exactly when we need it. A drained introvert can’t always escape to a quiet place for a little while. A drained extrovert won’t always have a friend (or stranger!) handy for the needed interaction of a lively chat. But that doesn’t mean all is lost.
When the world around you—whether on a macro level or in your small business or family—has norms that aren’t friendly to your type or you are in a situation that’s poorly situated to your temperament, it can be easy to go with the flow and deny yourself the things you need. Especially if you don’t even realize you need them. But if you can identify what you need and tweak the situation accordingly, maybe you can save yourself some pain and suffering.
My friend Ashley is an extrovert who homeschools her three children. She’s surrounded by people all day, which might at first blush sound like extrovert heaven. But after years of doing this, she realized that while she was talking all the time, she was starving for adult conversation. At first she felt helpless. Without quitting homeschooling, how much control did she really have over the situation? But over time, she started making little changes to better meet her needs as an extrovert.
For example, she joins a friend a few mornings a week to walk and talk. She sets a reminder to phone a friend every day after lunch to get her conversation fix. She deliberately goes to the grocery store during busy hours so she’ll bump into more people. (If you’re an introvert, you’re probably dying just reading that.) She keeps a steady schedule of coffee dates and girls’ nights out. These aren’t huge changes, but they have made a big difference in how Ashley feels about her life right now.
Another friend of mine is a talented seamstress. Kim owns a business, and due to the nature of her work, she spends large chunks of time alone designing products, making marketing plans, and fulfilling orders. This would be heaven—for an introvert. As an extrovert, Kim loves her work but craves human interaction, the bustle of activity, and seeing friends on a regular basis. Interestingly, Kim didn’t really struggle with meeting her extrovert needs until her family moved to my town. Here, they bought a house on a quiet cul-de-sac in the suburbs. Before the move, they lived on Main Street (really) in Small Town, USA. Kim’s sewing room faced a bustling street, and whenever she needed a people fix, all she had to do was wander outside.
Kim has learned over the years how to feed her extroverted nature while sticking with the work she loves. This means taking an exercise break with a buddy (we often catch up on each others’ news while logging a few miles) or working in a coffee shop so she’s at least around people for a while. It’s not the ideal situation for an extrovert. Sometimes Kim fantasizes about getting a “real job” again—the kind with an office and coworkers and a watercooler to gather around to talk about last night’s episode of whatever—but the perks of being her own boss are pretty great. So as long as she consciously meets her people quota every week, she finds it a workable compromise.
Tending to your nature will look different in different seasons and situations in your life, but the underlying principles remain the same. What is draining you? (Perhaps you’re exhausted because you’ve been with people all day.) What can you do to boost your odds of recharging on a regular basis? (Maybe you could drive home from work in total silence or put in a DVD for the kids and then go into your room and close the door.) Sometimes coming up with a workable solution is a real brain bender. But more often, it’s easy to take steps in the right direction—once you figure out what the right direction is.
Places Have Personalities Too
It’s not just people who can be introverted or extroverted. I first encountered the idea that places can have their own personalities in Adam McHugh’s book Introverts in the Church,13 and, whoa, was it eye-opening. Adam explains that some places and organizations—such as the American evangelical churches that he focuses on in his book—slant toward extroversion. Generally speaking, evangelical churches in America have more extroverted q
ualities than introverted ones. This extroverted personality puts extroverts at ease but can make introverts feel a little overwhelmed—or worse, as though they don’t belong at all.
For years, my family attended a large nondenominational church with a decidedly extroverted feel. When we entered the sanctuary a few minutes before the Sunday morning service began, the place would be humming with conversation like a crowded cocktail party. Near the beginning of each service, we were instructed to greet all the people sitting around us by shaking hands and saying good morning. (A number of introverted friends have confessed to being chronically, strategically late to escape this expectation.) Congregants would routinely take the stage to share deeply personal stories in front of thousands of strangers. Members were encouraged to invite their neighbors into their homes for meals and Bible study. These things were much easier for the extroverts than for the introverts. “Extrovert bias” is a fancy way of saying a place caters to extroverts. According to Susan Cain, this is prevalent in many Western institutions, from churches to schools to corporations.14 I saw it in action every weekend at this large nondenominational church.
My family attended that church for many years, and understanding the personality factors at play made a big difference in my church experience while I was there. I’m introspective by nature and tend to spend a lot of time thinking (and sometimes definitely overthinking) through my experiences and feelings. When I feel uncomfortable in a situation, I notice and can’t help but think, What does this mean? Why am I feeling this way? I can’t tell you just how awful it is to get that uncomfortable feeling in church. I’m shuddering just thinking about it.
Understanding personality a little better took a lot of the pressure off those uncomfortable moments. Why did I always feel a little ill walking into a Sunday school class? It wasn’t a message from above; I felt ill because it was like being late to a party in full swing. (I learned to arrive a little earlier, before the class got crowded and loud.) Why did some of the testimonies make me queasy? Because I imagined what I would do if I were asked to share a deeply personal story in that setting, and introverts don’t generally like to share their deeply felt emotions with strangers. Why did the meet and greet make me want to run away? The explanation was simple: I was an introvert. This straightforward reason for why I felt the way I did was such a comfort.
A few years ago, my family was on the hunt for a new church home. High on our wish list was a church near our home and, ideally, one my kids were already somewhat familiar with, so we visited churches of many different denominations. I’ll never forget the Sunday I took them to an Episcopal church in our own neighborhood for the first time. We walked into the old building, and it was quiet. It wasn’t particularly crowded. Most of the people were older than my parents; there weren’t many kids in sight. The organ was playing classical music. We just have to make it through an hour, I thought. Over the course of that hour, we sang traditional hymns and recited traditional prayers and listened to a traditional sermon and passed the peace and participated in a rather lengthy Eucharist.
Surprise, surprise—my kids loved it. Well, at least the two introverts who were old enough to express an opinion did. “It’s so peaceful,” they said. “It’s so beautiful inside. It’s so quiet.” It took me a little while to realize that in their minds, quiet was a good thing.
Years later, my family still happily attends an Episcopal church with an introverted personality. We didn’t choose it for that reason alone. Many factors go into choosing a church (or a school or a job). But we paid close attention to the personalities of the churches we visited and asked ourselves, How do we see personality at play here? What would it mean for us to be a part of this place?
When You’re Feeling out of Your Comfort Zone
Some places have an extroverted flavor, and some have an introverted one. Yet I’m constantly surprised to see biases pop up in places I would have expected to be pretty neutral.
My oldest son is an ardent baseball fan and holds his own on the field. His coach last season awarded player positions based on how much “enthusiasm” his players showed. “Who wants to play shortstop? Jump up and down and make some noise!” he would yell. But my son is extremely introverted, and he preferred to show his enthusiasm through his work ethic, his conscientiousness, and the extra drills he completed on his own time. He didn’t scream and shout or jump up and down, so he didn’t get picked. He wasn’t playing as much as he should have based on his ability.
My husband and I realized what was going on, and we were able to talk about it with our son throughout the course of the season. We discussed what extroverts bring to the table, such as the ability to make their presence felt, as that coach knew well. As a group, extroverts are outspoken and outgoing. They think well on their feet and can handle—and even thrive on—social pressure. We wouldn’t want to live in a world without extroverts! Introverts bring many important qualities to the table too. However, those qualities are more easily overlooked or underappreciated in an extroverted culture.
As a parent, the thought of my kid being passed over because of his personality guts me, which was great motivation to open an ongoing conversation with him about what it means to advocate for yourself, whether you’re thirteen or thirty-seven. When is it worth speaking up, even if it feels uncomfortable? (Perhaps if the position of shortstop is on the line.) How can you make your performance stand out, even if you dread the spotlight? (Maybe by saying, “Hey, coach, I’ve been practicing hard. I hope you notice today.”)
We couldn’t change the coach’s bias (well, not without getting banned from the bleachers with the other parents who get too rowdy on the sidelines), but we could at least understand what was happening, explain it to our son, and help him adjust his behavior accordingly. It’s not a perfect solution, but it’s a move in the right direction.
Extrovert bias may be more common, but introvert bias is also a real thing. Some places definitely prefer the quieter types. I discovered a striking example of this last year when a friend surprised me with a story from her graduate school days, when she attended one of the country’s premier MFA programs. I was impressed by her accomplished pedigree and told her so. She’s a great writer, but she doesn’t write the kind of fiction that literature professors usually fawn over (at least not in class).
She confessed that I wasn’t wrong; she had definitely been a fish out of water back in grad school. She showed up at her very serious school and immediately set to doing what she does best—plan a good cocktail party. Her fellow students thought they’d spend their weekend nights reading—or, at the very most, discussing—novels, but she was determined to lure them to her apartment for drinks and food and chitchat.
When I imagine my friend at grad school, I picture her as Elle Woods, as played by Reese Witherspoon in the movie Legally Blonde, heading off to Harvard Law School with her fashion merchandising degree in hand. Elle Woods is five-foot-one, blonde, and, well, fictional, and my friend is five-foot-ten, brunette, and has an actual birth certificate, but they both had that outsider thing going on in their chosen educational institutions. Plus, they both rose to the top and had a great time at school.
The literati didn’t take my friend seriously at first; she was too bubbly to be talented, or something like that. She was greeted with pretty much the same reception that Elle got at Harvard (“What are you doing here?”), but in the end, she found a way to meet her extroverted needs in an introverted place—and land a publisher.
Tending to Your Relationships
Because we live in a world with many other people—people we work with, live with, and care about—we need to be not only smart about meeting our own needs but also gracious about their needs. It’s important to know our own personality types and what we need because of them, but we also have to learn to be flexible. Remember, the people we love and live with have needs too.
Take the holiday season, for example. I love getting together with my extended family, especiall
y during this time of year. My husband and I take our four kids to my parents’ house, his parents’ house, and, if we’re lucky, my grandmother’s house as well. I wouldn’t miss any of these visits for the world.
However, as an introvert, the successive days of big family gatherings take their toll on me. As much as I love seeing everyone, the cumulative effect of these get-togethers is exhausting. If I’m not smart about managing my energy during this time of year, I’m not able to enjoy my visits with family. (Good books, hot tea, and Netflix can go a long way toward getting an introvert through the holiday season in one piece. I don’t think it’s a coincidence that the big holiday shows often release on Thanksgiving and Christmas—the networks know we need a break from all that togetherness!)
Sometimes our wishes directly oppose those of our loved ones. One Friday night not too long ago, my husband returned home from a work trip to Seattle. He’s an introvert, like me, and he’d spent four straight days in meetings and at work dinners. When his flight landed, he wanted to drive straight home and spend the evening eating pizza and hanging out with his family in his pajamas. However, while he was out and about in Seattle, I’d been feeling cooped up at home. A good friend was hosting a family cookout the night he got home, and I was ready to go out!
In a situation like that, not everyone gets their first choice. Someone has to give. Our personalities don’t provide the answer to these decisions, but they can serve as useful guides. Personality is just one of many factors to consider, but it’s an important one.
Years ago, I probably would have just accepted his answer (in typical Enneagram type Nine style, which we’ll talk about in chapter 9), but I’ve learned enough about my personality to at least sometimes understand the reasons why I want to do certain things. I didn’t give up. Will and I talked it through and found out he had a slight preference for staying in. However, I felt strongly about going out. So we went. (Just last week I wanted to go someplace and he didn’t—notice a pattern here?—but that time he really wanted to stay home, and I didn’t feel nearly as strongly about it, so we skipped the thing.)
