by Sky Corgan
“Hey,” he greets me halfheartedly.
“Don't worry. Willow isn't with me.” I slow down my pace as he continues towards his truck.
“Why would that make me worry?” He sounds completely disinterested.
“I know what's going on with you two. Everything that's going on with you two.”
“There's nothing going on with us.” Caleb keeps his eyes forward as if trying to ignore me.
“That whole thing with her dating Peter has fucked up your friendship, hasn't it?” I want to get down to the bottom of this. Willow told me that it's Caleb's girlfriend that's messing things up between them, but I've got a hunch that's not the case.
“There's nothing wrong with our friendship.” He stops next to his truck and digs his keys out of his pocket.
I'm not sure why he's lying to me.
“Is that why you avoid her?” I ask.
He inhales deeply. “You wouldn't understand.”
“Then make me understand. Because right now I see a girl who is hurting because she's lost her best friend. And though you say you have a girlfriend, no one has ever seen her. I don't know if I even buy that she's real.” I cross my arms over my chest.
“Listen.” He shifts his weight. “My personal business is none of your concern.”
“Well, you're supposed to start training us soon like you promised. That is of my concern. And if this weird tension between you two continues, I'm worried you're going to back out on us.” I tap my foot on the pavement.
“I am going to back out on you,” he tells me boldly, “because Willow and I need to stay out of each other's lives.”
“Is it because you can't stand to see her with him?”
His head quirks back, but I see something in his eyes that gives me my answer.
I nod. “I get it now. You don't have to say anything more.” I turn away from Caleb to walk to my car.
“Wait,” he calls to me. “What are you talking about?”
“Don't worry. Your secret is safe with me.”
I huff, frowning. Amazing. Fucking amazing. I can't even get a date with a good guy. And that girl gets them all.
Willow
I'm sitting across from Peter at a fancy restaurant staring at his handsome face, and I feel nothing. All I can think about is how I'd rather be at the gym. I wonder if Caleb is there—wonder if he'll actually talk to Becky now that I'm not around. She'll tell me tomorrow at work, and if the answer is yes, I'm going to be so fucking hurt.
Knowing that this is more important to me than enjoying the evening with my boyfriend makes me question my dedication to this relationship. Normally, being with Peter would make me feel better. I'd be able to focus on how happy I am just to be around him. But right now, everything feels wrong.
“I swear, I love you more and more every day,” he tells me.
The candle on the table between us illuminates his face. He's smiling a brilliant smile. His eyes are full of excitement from being with me. And I just feel dead inside.
“You're sweet,” is all I can manage to say in response.
“I'm so happy you took the day off from the gym to hang out with me like this. I was beginning to worry you were getting an unhealthy obsession,” he jokes.
His words momentarily spike discomfort in my chest. I think that he means an obsession with Caleb only seconds before I realize he means an obsession with working out.
I force out a laugh. “I just don't want to get fat again.”
“There shouldn't be any worry about that with how much you've been working out lately.” He unwraps his silverware and places his napkin across his lap. “Maybe tomorrow you could take another day off, and we could go to the movies together.”
“I can't.” I shake my head quickly. He looks surprised by my instant rejection, so I try to smooth things over by telling him, “I'm a creature of habit. If I get too far off track, I'll stop going to the gym entirely. It happened when we first started dating, and it took me forever to go back. I don't want that to happen again.”
“That's understandable.” He smiles. “To be honest, I've been slacking on playing sports since we started dating. It's good to have our own time.”
“Yeah.” I nod in agreement.
“But I do love my time spent with you. I feel selfish, like I want to take all of your time.”
It does feel like we spend a lot of time together, though not so much since I've been in my depression. Things are just...strange right now. And I'm honestly not sure they'll ever be what they were before because my emotions are all over the place.
“Since you don't want to go out right after work tomorrow, would you like to go to the movies after dinner?” Peter asks, looking hopeful.
“No thanks. I'm kind of tired.” I stare at my food, my appetite non-existent.
“Oh.” The disappointment is plain in his voice. “Some other time then.”
Conversation is sparse as we finish our meal. I don't feel like talking. I haven't felt like doing anything ever since things blew up between Caleb and me.
Peter drops me off in front of my apartment building after dinner, and I take the elevator up. Caleb's truck wasn't in the parking lot, which means he must still be at the gym. Again, I wonder if he spoke to Becky.
I trudge down the hallway to my apartment, glancing at the unit across from mine. I feel drawn to it. Caleb isn't inside, but just the thought of being close to things that he owns gives me comfort.
I don't enter my apartment. Instead, I walk next door and press my back against it, sliding down until I'm sitting. I lightly knock on the door with my knuckles until I hear Max bark.
“Hey Max,” I say, and he barks again. Caleb must have him kenneled. Otherwise, he'd be scratching at the door frantically. “Oh Max, my life is so fucked right now,” I speak to him through the door. “I'm dating the most amazing man on the face of the planet, yet I don't feel anything for him anymore. Peter says all the right things. Does all the right things. When he tells me he loves me, I believe him. He's everything I've ever wanted. But if that's true...then why do I feel this way? Why am I uncomfortable when we're together? Why do I feel like it's wrong?”
Max doesn't respond. Maybe he doesn't sense me. Or perhaps he knows I'm not coming to let him out. There's just...silence. Even that hurts, for some reason. Like even Caleb's dog is rejecting me.
The elevator dings and I turn to look at it just in time to see Caleb step out. My heart freezes in my chest, and he pauses as he sees me sitting up against the door to his apartment. I pull myself to my feet, knowing that I must look like a lunatic or a stalker.
Caleb drops his gaze to the floor and continues towards me. I know I should retreat to my apartment, but I just can't force myself to move.
He stops in front of me, his tone as cold as ice. “What's wrong?”
My mouth feels incredibly dry. There are so many things I want to say to him. “Nothing.”
He nods and shoves his key in the door. I watch him, motionless—helpless. In a few seconds, he'll be gone, and I'll be alone again. I'm going crazy on the inside just being this close to him. I don't want him to disappear.
Caleb opens the door, and I reach out to grab his forearm. He looks at my hand before his gaze moves up to my face. When our eyes meet, I completely fall apart.
“Tell me what I can do to fix this,” I say. My voice is shaky, and tears are already coming to my eyes.
“There's nothing to fix,” he tells me softly.
“Caleb. I can't do this anymore. I can't... Why won't you talk to me? What did I do so wrong that you're acting like this towards me?”
“I told you why we can't talk anymore.” He averts his gaze as if I'm annoying him.
“I'm sorry about what I said about your girlfriend. Just...let me meet her. I'll make her like me. I'll do whatever it takes.” I beg. The tears are falling now. I can't stop them.
Caleb looks at me finally. I see something inside of him crack. Where there was only iciness be
fore, there's now concern. “Willow...I—”
“Please, Caleb.” I tug on his arm. “Don't turn me away. I want you in my life. No. I need you in my life.”
His jaw clenches and his eyes fall to the doorknob before he asks, “Would you like to come in?”
“Yes.” I laugh because I'm so fucking happy I can barely contain it. “Yes, I would like to come in.”
He opens the door for me, and I rush inside as if I'm afraid he'll change his mind. I immediately go to Max and let him out, wrapping my arms around the fluffy dog's neck because I'm just so elated to be back inside of Caleb's world. Nothing has ever made me so illogically happy before.
“I walked him a little while ago, so he should be good for another hour or two,” Caleb tells me, standing over me. “Would you like a drink? We could play chess or something.”
“Chess would be fabulous.” I don't care what we do as long as I get to spend time with him.
Caleb hands me a beer, and then I help him set up the chess board. We sit across from each other, and I smile at his concentrating expression. I purposely fumble my moves, wanting to boost his confidence and make him enjoy playing with me more by allowing him to win. I know what it's like to lose all the time. I've experienced it with Peter when we play tennis, and it's not fun.
“You're throwing the games,” he tells me as we start our third game, furrowing his brow.
“No, I'm not,” I lie. “You're legit beating me.”
“I'm not.” He insists. “You would never move so carelessly.” Caleb gestures to a pawn that I just put in position for his knight to take.
“Does it really matter?” I ask. “All I care about is that we're together.”
He looks up at me, and I see a flash of sadness in his eyes, though it quickly fades. “How are things with Peter?”
I suck in a breath, not wanting to talk about it. Things couldn't be rolling downhill any faster if I gave them a good shove. He doesn't need to know that, though.
“They're good,” I lie again.
“I'm happy for you.” Caleb nods. “It looks like all of our hard work paid off.”
“I suppose it did.” I make another careless move. Truthfully, I'm not paying much attention to the game.
“I've never seen Peter care about someone the way he does you,” he confesses. “To be honest, when the two of you first got together, I didn't think it would last.”
“Thanks for the vote of confidence, jerk,” I tease.
“But he's incredibly smitten with you.” Caleb takes a sip of his beer. “I wouldn't be surprised if he asked you to marry him.”
Those words make my heart stop beating. Not because they make me happy, but because they fill me with dread. Marriage is all I've ever wanted, but at that moment I realize that I don't want to marry Peter. And that's more telling than anything that's happened so far.
“My debt will be paid off to you soon,” he continues. “I'll finally be free from my guilt.”
I stare at Caleb, wondering if that's what he really thinks. I don't even care about our deal anymore. I don't care...about Peter. I mean, I care about him. As a person. But...Holy crap, I don't even know what I'm thinking anymore.
That night, I dream about Caleb. All night long, I'm tormented by thoughts of his girlfriend stealing him away from me forever. We'll be somewhere having a good time together, then she'll show up and he'll have to leave. My heart aches from the thought of it.
I go to work the next morning dragging ass, though I feel like I should have more pep in my step since Caleb and I actually hung out for once.
“How did your date with Peter go last night?” Becky asks.
“It was okay,” I reply half-heartedly.
“Just okay?” She wiggles, grinning to catch my gaze. She probably thinks we had sex—that everything was amazing.
“Yeah, just okay.”
“Guess who I saw at the gym last night?” Becky straightens herself.
Now she has my attention. “Caleb actually talked to you?”
“He did.” She nods.
“And?” I turn to face her.
“And...” Becky draws out the word, “he just went on and on about how wonderful his girlfriend is.” She frowns, and I frown with her.
“Oh.” Disappointment is plain in my voice.
“He seems quite smitten with her.”
“Well, that's good,” I grumble.
“So you should be smitten with your mancakes, too,” Becky whispers as Peter steps into the room.
I look at him, but my face doesn't brighten. I should be smitten with him, but I'm not. All I can think about is how Caleb has replaced me completely.
Caleb
I can't stay here anymore. That's as clear as day to me now. And for as much as it pains me to have to pack all my shit and move, I know it would hurt a lot more if I stuck around and we continued to play these games.
At least if I move, Willow won't have easy access to me. I highly doubt I'll come home to find her leaning against my apartment door. Why was she there anyway?
The memory of her sitting there looking sullen is branded into my mind. Had she been waiting for me just to beg me to reconsider my position on our friendship? That's the only legitimate reason I can think of. But still, to wait for me when she wasn't sure when I'd be coming home.
It was an odd thing to see stepping out of the elevator, and it made me feel things that stirred discomfort within me—that maybe she wants to be with me. Maybe her being there meant something more than just wanting to salvage our friendship.
I can't take this anymore. I can't handle seeing her almost every day. It's going to eventually drive me insane, and for that reason, I need to leave.
First I'll move out of the apartment. Then I'll transfer to another gym. Eventually, she'll forget about me and live her happily ever after with Peter. Maybe I'll even stop hanging out with him. Who knows? All I do know is that my life has completely imploded ever since this strained love triangle formed, and I want to get back to some semblance of normalcy.
I give the apartment complex my 30-day notice. By next month, I won't have to deal with this shit anymore. I'll move somewhere else, and then I'll move on with my life.
I go back upstairs to sit and watch television for a while. I don't have another appointment until later on tonight, so I can relax for now. Max hangs out with me on the sofa, and I pet him lazily. I'm half asleep when he jumps off of the couch and starts barking.
“Max, be quiet,” I chastise him.
He's standing at the balcony door, wanting out. I yell at him two more times before I realize he's going to win this one. His incessant scratching and whining are making me cranky.
Begrudgingly, I walk to the door to let him out. Before I have a chance to turn the knob, I notice someone sitting near the pool staring up at the building. It takes a second before I realize that it's Willow.
I know she can't see me through the blinds, but I still take a step to the side to try and hide behind the wall. Is she looking at my apartment? I take another peek just to be sure. Maybe she's just gazing into space, but it certainly looks like her eyes are fixed on my balcony.
Why? Why is she down there? She only ever sits down there when she's upset.
Part of me wants to go and console her, but I know better. I'm going to be moving soon. There's no reason to deepen her pain of losing me by bringing us closer just to let her go again.
Last night was a moment of weakness. When I saw her crying, I couldn't turn her away. All I wanted was to make it better...and to spend time with her. I wanted that time with her—those precious moments when she was my friend again. When I could pretend that things weren't so complicated.
That's over now, though. It's all about to be over. So it's better if I continue to keep my distance, for all of our sakes.
Willow
I start going out on dates with Peter again to try and keep our relationship afloat, though things aren't quite the same. Or rather, I'm not
quite the same. He's as happy to be around me as usual, but I'm not feeling much for him these days, and I don't know if it's because of the thing going on with Caleb or because I'm awakening to my true feelings for him.
Since Caleb reneged on taking Becky and me on as clients, she's not so dedicated to our routine at the gym anymore. That works out fine for me since I'm not going to the gym with her every day now.
When I finally do get a free afternoon, she suggests going out for drinks instead. It sounds fucking lovely because I honestly just want to forget about my life for a while. It's become repetitive and dull and passionless. Even when Peter and I have sex, I just lie there and wonder when it's going to be over. I feel guilty about my lack of connection to him, but I can't control what I feel. I kind of just go through the motions.
“Let's have a bottle of red,” Becky tells the bartender as we slide into a booth.
“I'm surprised you wanted to come drinking,” I say.
“It's been a while.” She wrinkles her nose. “I've spent a good part of the past month restructuring my life. I used to go out with my guy harem all the time, but fighting off guys you're not interested in gets exhausting. I needed a break from it, so I haven't really been drinking.”
I can't say I know the feeling, but right now I'm kind of glad that I don't. Having to deal with any more guys than the two in my life right now sounds highly unappealing. Pretty girl problems. I don't have those.
“It sounds annoying,” I reply finally.
“It's flattering sometimes, but also overwhelming.” She shifts her weight. “How are things with Peter?”
“They're alright.” I nod.
“You guys seem to be going out a lot more lately,” she notes.
“We're back into the dating swing of things,” I admit.
“And Caleb?”
Just hearing his name hurts. “We don't really talk anymore.”
“That's too bad.” Her eyes momentarily drop to the tabletop.
“It's his loss.” I watch the bartender fill our glasses.
