by M. Brennan
"I sat in my room listening to music for an hour and she still hadn't come back. I remember thinking it was strange because she was always there when I got in so I picked up my phone and rang her. The sound of her phone came from the bathroom. When I open the door she was lifeless in the bath. I ran to her but the blood was everywhere it was so red, you know, deep red all over the white bath. She was fully clothed and there was no water in the bath."
I need a minute to compose myself. Jesus, this is hard. I feel something touch my hands. I open my eyes and Stacey and Sam are on either side of the bed holding my hands, it makes me feel stronger.
"There was a horrible smell because she was dead a while more than a few hours but I didn't care, I just held her. I didn't care that I was covered in blood. I had just sat there and screamed after about an hour of holding her. I knew I had to tell someone so I rang for help and you know everything after that."
They both gently hug me. When they parted I notice people at the end of my bed—Patrick, Colleen and I'm assuming the lady on the end is Sally. I know they heard because like Stacey and almost Sam, they have tears in their eyes.
Stacey leans down. "We're going to give you some time to talk to your dad. I'm so proud of you and I love you," she whispers in my ear.
I look to Sam as she squeezes my hand and they both leave. I love them. Without them I don't know where I'd be. They have their stories to and when the day comes I'll be there by their side like they have been for me all these years.
"I'm sorry we heard," my dad offers sadly.
"Its fine, it's something I should have said a long time ago. Nearly dying can do that I suppose." I look to Colleen and Sally. "Why don't you introduce me Patrick." I smile weakly.
He nods. "This is my wife Sally and my other daughter Colleen," he whispers. Shit, I never really thought how fucked up this all is for everyone, not just me.
"I'm sorry how I greeted you before Colleen I was pissed at…" I swallow. I can't say his name because that cut hurts more that my actually stab wound. Thankfully Colleen understands.
"Oh yeah, that's fine. My Dad explained what he could. I get it." But then she gets a serious look on her face. "I'm sorry for everything that you ever had to go through and I'm sorry I didn't get the chance to be there because I would love to have you as my sister."
I don't know what to say to that so I just sit there with I'm sure what is a stunned look on my face. Jesus, I'm done with this drama.
I faced that day with the help of my friends. I need to move past all this and I should start with the people in this room.
"Look I just want to say a few thing then I'd really like it if we could move on from all this because I'm really sick of the pity and the sad looks. I loved my Mam very much. She was an amazing woman who cared for me with the love of both parents. I now understand, but don't agree with what she did. I also understand your role and Sally's in it all, but please can we have a fresh start? I can't keep living in the past. I need to move on from it all. Obviously it's not that simple, I do have a little one growing in me and I have been through hell. I just want to forget the bad shit, remember the good, and give this child the life and family they deserve."
Wow, sounds so simple. If only. It felt good to take that step and by the look on my Dad's face he agrees. He comes straight over and hugs me.
"That's fine Nessa. I'm so glad you're ok and we want to help anyway we can."
I wonder. "Do you think you can find me food? I'm so hungry," I beg a little and they all laugh.
"Sure thing hunny. Anything you prefer?" Sally asks. It's the first time she's spoken. "No anything will do. I'm not fussy."
"Ok, I'll go see what I can find," Sally says as she heads off.
Colleen, Dad, and I talk a little. It's very strange but they're nice people. Giving them a chance won't be so bad. Sally brings back food. When I'm done I yawn and Dad suggests they leave and come back later.
I say bye to them all but Colleen comes over to me. "I know it's not my place and I don't want to rock whatever relationship we have but I feel I need to mention that Taylor isn't taken this all so well. he left the hospital yesterday and we can't get through to him. He loves you. I don't know what went on exactly between you two but I just thought you should know." Then she walks out.
Taylor was here? When did he come? How did he know I was here? Actually, how the hell did I get here? What happened to Brandon? Where is he now?
I'm feeling a little frightened so I text Stacey and ask her to come back which doesn't take her long because I get a delivery report and boom she here. "What's wrong babe, you ok?"
"How did you find me and where is Brandon?" I'm panicking and she can see it.
"It's ok. Calm down Nessa. He's in prison, he can't come near you. I didn't find you, Taylor did. When you ran out on him he came to look for you at the apartment and found me unconscious." I go to talk but she puts her hand up. "I'm fine. It wasn't anything serious but Brandon had been there looking for you. When I told Taylor he freaked, practically nearly shook me to death trying to get me and my swollen head to think of where he might have taken you. I guessed right because your Dad rang me and told me they found you. Once I got checked out I went to the family room but he had gone."
Why did he care, he was just using me. Well at least that's what I think. Why else did he hide me away, break my heart, and keep the fact that he lived with my dad all his life a secret.
"I can't believe it or understand why he would do all this," I say confused but she smiles.
"Because he loves you silly. Whatever game he was playing it backfired on him." Good enough for him, the prick.
"Colleen said he left and can't be gotten in touch with. She seems worried."
"Are you worried?" she asks carefully.
"No. I don't care!" I snap.
"Even though he saved your life?" She's pushing it and she knows it.
"Stacey," I growl.
"Fine but I'm not going to lie to you. Jess said he was pale as a ghost and panicking to death when she went to see how you were doing but Sam gave him shit and he left."
Sam, that's not good. I can only image what she said. She lashes out when she's upset. I love that girl but she goes straight for the jugular when her sisters' are concerned.
"Do I want to know what she said?"
"Nope. She told them all off and Jess reckons he thinks you're better off without him."
"That may be true but it's not just me anymore. Maybe it's time he understands that."
I ponder on that thought and decide Taylor needs to explain himself. He may want nothing to do with the baby or me but he better understand that this baby is not missing out on the rest of his family, on our family because of him.
"What are you going to do?" Stacey asks puzzled.
"I managed to tell you all about finding my mam after ten years. I can face Taylor and I'm going to tell him he better get his ass in here and explain himself."
I'm giving it my all now but seeing him is going to be different. I can't handle my feeling around him but I'll do it. I pick up my phone to call him. My freaking hands are shaking as I dial, it rings three times.
"Hello," says a slurred voice. Great he's drunk.
"Taylor you have till tomorrow to sober the hell up and get your fucking ass up to this hospital so we can talk or you never bother me again." I try to sound strong but just hearing his voice killed me a little.
"I'm not going to bother you again anyway," he slurs back at me. Ugh
"Grow up and stop acting like a fucking baby. And call your damn family while you’re at it because they're worried." I hang up without giving him a chance to answer me. I'm freaking shaking I'm so pissed off.
"Are you ok?"
Am I? I don't really know right now. I'm gonna lie anyways. "Yes, I'm fine. I need to rest. Can you stay? I just don't really want to be alone right now."
"Eh duh, like I'd leave you now anyways. Even if you wanted me to leave, I'd still stay," she
scoffs, but then turns to me with a seriously face. "Nessa I'm proud of you. Today you showed the strength I knew you had all along, pity it took you being stabbed for you to use it," she laughs lightly.
"I'm sorry I worried you," I tell her.
"Please like any of this was your fault. Now rest. I shall be here when you wake."
With that I lay down I'm so tired I fall into an easy dreamless sleep.
I wake to the rain bouncing off the window of my hospital room.. When I look around the room it's empty. Where has Stacey gone? I sit up to grab my phone but a sharp pain shoots through my side. Shit.
"Take it easy Nessa," Stacey warns as she enters the room.
"Where did you go?" I snap. I don't mean to but the pain is excruciating and I was a little panicked being here on my own.
"I just went to grab a coffee babe. Do you need painkillers? I'll call a nurse." She sounds panicky now. I don't want to take the painkillers, I know they say they won't hurt the baby but considering everything that's happened I don't want to jinx anything.
"No, I'm fine, I just need a minute I sat up too quickly. Can you help me?" She walks over and helps me sit up.
"You should take the painkillers if it is hurting, Nessa."
"No, I'm fine. It'll be ok. What time is it? Did I sleep long?" It was bright when I went to sleep and it's still bright now, it can't have been too long.
"You slept for over twelve hours," she laughs.
"No way. Jesus, I must have been tired. What time is it?"
"It's eight in the morning, babe."
Wow no wonder I feel all dirty. I could really use a shower and to get out of this bed. I having been out of it for how long? Two days which means… Oh hell no !
When I look at Stacey I know the minutes she cops what I'm think because she jumps up and mumbles something about getting the nurse and not to freak out. Oh man how did I not cop the stupid catheter yesterday? Eww of course now I have copped to it I'm freaking out. Ugh!
I just sit there looking down at my lap. I'm afraid to move now in case I feel it. People laugh at my fear of it but it gives me the willies. I can't cope with it.
"Hello Nessa, I'm Lou your nurse for today. Your friends tells me you don't want your catheter in."
"No I want it out. Now please, like right now," I pled and she smiles at me. Seriously, she better not give me the 'it's better left in' speech.
"I'll tell you what if you get out of bed and walk the length of the corridor I will take it out," she says a little too smugly.
"I am not moving with this thing in me. Take it out or I will. Actually take it out anyway, I don't care if I piss all over myself. I don't want it in." I pretty much just yelled at her but it doesn't seem to have fazed her. Stupid nurse. When she goes to talk I put my hand up.
"No, do not give me your speech. I don't like them. They freak me out so please just remove it." I don't think making your nurse angry is a good thing. Oops,
she looks pissed.
"That's fine. I will remove it," she snaps.
Oh like you had a choice bitch, it was coming out either way. Once she takes it out she leaves looking like she doesn't want to be my friend. I feel a little bad. I know it's just her job but seriously having a needle in my vajaja is just a disturbing thought altogether.
After having a bit to eat I feel the need to wee.
"Stacey could you help me, I need to go the toilet." I hate this part. It stings like something else after having a catheter in. I try to move myself to the edge of the bed but the pain in my side is pretty intense.
"Take it easy Nessa, you have stiches. You don't want to tear them. Just go slow or maybe I need to get the nurse," she scolds me like a child.
"No, don't get the nurse she hates me. I'll take it slow, ok." I slowly move to the edge of the bed with Stacey's help. My legs feel a little weak when I place then on the floor which is not good. I don't really want to end up going down on my face. Stacey takes my arm to help me stand but I'm too afraid.
"I can't. My legs are a little weak. Shit the nurse is going to love this."
"Well if you weren't such a bitch to her I'm sure she would have helped," she laughs because this is so funny.
"Not funny Stacey. I'm gonna wet myself if I don't get in there now," I snarl at her but she just laughs harder. Damn her.
I stand and hold the bed. My legs are a little shaky. I try take a step but start to fall. Just as I'm about to hit the ground strong arms come around me.
"What the hell? You shouldn't be out of the fucking bed, never mind walking," he growls. At this stage Stacey has stopped laughing and is just looking back and forth between Taylor and myself.
"Can't be too bad if you can come in here and shout," I growl back.
"What are you trying to do?" he says a little calmer.
"She made the nurse take her catheter out and now she needs to wee but her legs are a little weak from being in bed the last few days. And she can't call the nurse for help because she was a bitch to her," Stacey tells him with a smirk at me and then leaves the room.
Well I never! The bitch. She is so dead when I can walk. I look back to Taylor who is staring at me. He doesn't say anything just picks me up and carries me to the bathroom. I don't say anything because I'm sure I'm in shock.
He places at the toilet where there is a handrail. I grab it and he just stands there looking at me.
"You can go now. I can handle it from here." I wave him off but he just stands there.
"I'm not going so deal with it and do what you have to do." Ugh! I know he's not going to go, the stubborn man.
"Will you at least turn around?" I huff and thankfully he does. I use one hand to pull my trousers down and sit down. Once I'm done I feel better and my legs don't feel so shaky. I don't want to try walk on my own yet so I wash my hands and let him take me back to bed.
We sit there for a few minutes saying nothing. I'm the one to break the silence.
"Why?" Saying it gives me a pain in my chest. Shit I forgot with everything that was going on how much all this hurts. I love him and to him I'm just a game. He hasn't answered me and when I look at him he has an intense look on his face. Like he wants to say something but doesn't know how. It pisses me off a little.
"Well it's simple, tell me why Taylor," I snap.
"No. It's not simple, nothing about all this is simple." Well that's true I suppose but I never asked for any of this.
"Well make it simple because your family is now mine and don't forget about the fact that I'm carrying your child. You need to decide what your role is going to be in all this."
He told me he doesn't want kids before. I don't know if it was just kids with me or in general. Actually I don't know anything about him really, it all just a game to him.
"I'm sorry for everything Nessa," he whispers so quietly I almost don't hear him.
"Why? I need to know why? I really do. I mean I never spoke to my Dad and didn't know any of them, so why me?"
"Because you were who I blamed for your dad not being a Dad to the only sister and family I knew. When your name came up in the interview I figured I could just fire you but you were a firecracker that didn't take my shit. You were also the most beautiful woman I've ever laid eyes on and when you approached the table I was instantly hard and that actually pissed me off. So when I saw you at that function I knew a better way to get payback and reap the benefits." He shakes his head.
"By sleeping with me," I state. I can feel my tears welling up. I just need to hold back a bit longer.
"Yeah, I figured treating you like a whore would do it. Considering the slap you gave me I knew you would be pissed and hurt."
Yeah more like heartbroken. What a prick. I don't get to say anything before he continues.
"What I wasn't expecting that night was what passed between us it… It was like nothing I've ever felt before. You were supposed to be a fuck, nothing more. I distance myself from you but when I heard you were in hospital I knew there was no point
fighting it because I needed you more than you will ever know. But of course I couldn't tell you who I really was so I had to keep you a secret. I could see you starting to realise what I was doing and it just broke me. I had to set you free or tell you the truth. When you told me you talked to your Dad I knew I didn't have a choice because you were going to find out either way."
"So you pushed me away, told me we had no future, you also told me you don't want kids." He's looking down at the ground now thinking but when he looks up I see fear in his eyes.
"I wanted a future with you. I want a future with you, but kids were never part of my plan Nessa. Not for the reason you think. I just love you so much that the thought of losing you killed me. I'd rather have you than a child," He laughs, "Lost you anyway though, didn't I?"
He'd rather have me than a child? He loves me? "What do you mean by that?" I'm confused now.
"My mother died in child birth Nessa, and my dad… Well he couldn't survive without her and I was his reminder of what he lost. I can't do that to our child. I can't lose you like that."
Wow I never realised how all this affected him.
"That's life Taylor. I'd happily give up my life for my baby as I'm sure your mother was. Your father was wrong, you were a blessing and a part of the one person he loved the most. He should have cherished you not given you away."
He seems in shock from what I said.
"You don't know what you're talking about Nessa."
Oh pushing me away again are we. I don't think so. "No you don't know if she survived if he would have raised you with her, protected you from anything bad. But because she didn't survive he decides, screw that I don't want him. I don't think so. My child will always come first—over me, over you, over everyone. Do you understand!" I was yelling a bit and he gets up and starts pacing.
"I'm sorry they're my issues. I shouldn't have taken them out on you. Let me make this right, Nessa. All of it."
He's pleading now. I understand he wanted to protect Colleen and I might have forgave him for that but the woman behind my back, no I will not tolerate cheating.
