"How old are you?" I asked.
"Eighteen. Why? How old are you?"
"I'll be eighteen in December."
He patted the horse one final time and motioned with a flick of the head for me to follow him. "How long do you think you'll stay with the Marshalls?" he asked.
I gave Cucumber's cheek one last stroke and followed him. "I don't really have a plan right now," I said. "I wanted to get into radio when I was a little kid, and I guess that's always sort of been a dream of mine, but I doubt if it could ever happen now. I honestly didn't plan on my life taking the path it took."
"What's that supposed to mean? You say that with such finality. You're only seventeen."
He led me out of the barn and onto the long path that led to the back of their house. His mom had disappeared into the dark, and I assumed she had already made it to the house.
"I'm just saying, my life is what it is, and because of it, I haven’t really considered what I want to be when I grow up. I've been thinking a good bit about it since everything went down and I think I'd like to try to do something in radio if I can."
"You can do anything you want," Caleb said. "Do you want to be a DJ?"
"I've always enjoyed listening to DJ's, and thought it would be a fun. Plus, I love music."
"What kind of music?"
"I go back and forth between rock and rap mostly, depending on my mood. I'd probably do better as a rock DJ, though."
"You have a nice voice," he said, glancing at me as we walked.
I smiled at him. "I didn't talk to Earl and Coleen for three days when I got here."
His eyes met mine again and I could tell how interesting he thought I was. "When did you start talking?"
"Earlier today after an appointment with my therapist. Earl thinks she worked some type of miracle."
"Did she?"
"Not really. I was just scared that she'd have me committed if I didn't say anything. It seems like I'd have a better time with Earl than in some sort of facility."
"The Mitchells are good people. I seriously don't understand how they went so long without speaking to your dad. They seem so family-oriented."
"It was my grandmother who left him and I guess he just continued his life without her."
Caleb and I were approaching the house. The lights were on and I could see into the back windows. His mom was in the kitchen leaning over the bar like she was writing something. We went inside and were in the kitchen with her for a few minutes before Esther arrived. The house was huge and beautifully decorated, and I thought Earl had been right when he said Ben Cross had done well for himself.
Esther and Rose walked in together, but I knew right away which one was which since I'd seen the photo of Esther in her mom's office. Both girls came in smiling and swinging their ponytails behind them. I had a straight, dark, chin-length bob with bangs that was too short to fit into a decent ponytail like the ones they sported. They were wearing teeny little shorts and sweatshirt hoodies that said HHS cheer across the front.
"Looks like the hoodies came in tonight," Bonnie said.
"I need you to cut the tags out," Esther said, pulling hers off. She had on a T-shirt on underneath that said Guns and Roses, and I smiled thinking there was at least a little hope.
Rose left her sweatshirt on. She had her hands stashed in the kangaroo pocket, and she immediately started crossing the room toward Caleb.
"This is Jovi Mitchell."
"Like Joni Mitchell?" Esther asked. She smiled at me and I returned it. I thought maybe I could tell that I liked her just by how she smiled.
"Like Bon Jovi," Caleb said.
"Yeah, but I like the Joni Mitchell one," I said. "It's more rare that I get that one, and it's always the cool people who say it." I glanced at Esther, who was smiling at the compliment.
"Mom said you're going to Hillsboro this year," she said. "Are you a senior?"
"Yeah."
She motioned to Rose, who was standing close enough to Caleb to touch his shoulder, but otherwise not showing much PDA. "Rose is a senior too. I'm a junior. I'm gonna get my license soon, but for now she's my ride."
"I was coming to see your brother anyway," Rose said. She opened a cabinet and took out a glass to fix herself some water.
"I think Coleen's gonna give me her car, but I don’t have my license. I've never even tried to drive. There was no reason to in New York."
"Are you serious? That's so weird. How did you get around?"
"Walking mostly, but I took taxis and had friends who drove."
Caleb must have gotten a little nervous about how much I would say when I mentioned the word friends because he cut in. "That's really cool that Ms. Coleen's giving you her car," he said. "It's an Accord, right?"
It was an Accord. I had studied it closely a few times that afternoon. "I think so," I said, trying to seem casual.
"That's the same car she has," Esther said, motioning to Rose.
"I like mine," Rose said. She smiled at me, and even though it was sincere enough, I didn't have the initial connection with her that I did with Esther. I tried to figure out why she rubbed me the wrong way and the only thing I could come up with, even though I didn't want to believe it, was that I was jealous of her. I pushed those thoughts way down.
I got through the next half hour of conversation on autopilot, taking in the family dynamics in the Cross home, and appreciating the normality of their family. I could appreciate some aspects of having a close family, but I had gotten so accustomed to functioning on my own that I couldn't decide if I was comfortable with how much they were up in each other's business all the time. I wondered if standing around the kitchen talking was something that happened on a regular basis, or if they were only doing it because I was there.
Ben Cross came home from a late night on a job site, and caught me just as I was about to announce that I needed to be leaving. He greeted his family and Rose, and asked me a few questions about how I was settling in next door. He was a handsome, older version of Caleb and Aaron, and I realized that he was more typical of the guys I normally worked with. I felt a wave of something uncomfortable wash over me when it hit me that I was just thinking about how attractive Caleb was and then his dad walked in and reminded me of one of my boyfriends. I suddenly felt nauseated.
"I think I'm gonna go ahead and head back."
"I'll bring you home," Caleb said. I glanced at him, looking confused. I thought he might've been joking around, but he looked at me like he was serious.
"It's just right there," I said, putting a thumb out in the direction of Earl's place.
"It's further than you think and the mosquitoes are bad at night. I'll just drop you off. I'm going to Lee's anyway."
"You're going to Lee's? Where are y'all going tonight?" Rose asked.
I had no desire to stay there and listen to their conversation. Their plans for Friday night had nothing to do with me. I sucked air through my teeth reluctantly interrupting their conversation. "I'm, uh, just gonna head on back," I said. "I'll find my way."
"I hope you'll come by again sometime," Ben said. "And tell Earl and Coleen we said hello."
"I will," I said. "It was nice meeting you." I crossed the room quickly. I glanced back at Caleb when I got to the door and could tell he wasn't a hundred percent happy with my decision to leave alone, but he didn't say anything. I wondered if he knew something I didn't and I should be scared of wild coyotes attacking me between the two properties if I walked alone. I smiled at everyone, hoping I'd done okay with the first impression, and felt relieved it was over.
I went out the same door we'd come in, but headed directly for the shorter path that led to Earl's. "How'd it go?" Coleen asked when I came in the house.
"Fine I guess," I said. "I didn't really feel like going over there, but it was fine, I guess." I tried to muster a smile but couldn't really do it. "I'm going to go to my room."
"Did everything go okay?" She asked, worried about my mood.
"It
was fine; I told you. I'm just tired and I didn't feel like going over there in the first place."
"How'd you like the Crosses?" Earl asked, entering the room for the first time.
Coleen shushed him and I turned to head upstairs. I seriously felt like I was going to throw up. Seeing a normal family in action was just too much to handle. For the first time, it sank in that what I had been through was more messed up than I thought.
I felt like people kept expecting me to have a come to Jesus moment where I broke down and understood how fucked up my past was, and seeing that family—the one where the dad looked like one of my clients, but it was the son I wanted—was my come to Jesus moment. The realization of how messed up the last four years of my life had been hit me like a ton of bricks.
What hurt the most was knowing I could never get someone great like Caleb. Why would a young guy choose someone who is all used up when he has the pure, untainted Rose waiting for him? Seeing the family life I would never have was a crushing blow that I didn't see coming. I couldn't figure out why it hurt so badly, but it did. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got at my father and aunt for putting me in that situation in the first place. I told myself my dad had no way of knowing that my aunt would ask me to work with her, but it didn't really matter because he wasn't around to see what became of me anyway.
I stayed up most of the night having the same cycle of thoughts. For a little while, I would think about the guys I had been with and catch myself trying to picture what I thought had been the good times. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized that there never were really any good times. It was a business transaction. I was good at it and I always made sure my clients had fun, but none of them really cared about me for anything but sex.
I thought I was okay with that, but when I watched Ben Cross interact with his daughter, I knew in my heart that he would sooner die then let people pay to use her body like mine had been used. My come to Jesus moment was in full swing and stretched from that night through the weekend.
I was completely and totally depressed.
I told Earl and Coleen that I was sick with a cold and even faked the symptoms. They believed me. She made chicken noodle soup, which tasted good even though I wasn't really sick. School was supposed to start the following Wednesday, and I knew I just had a couple days to get ready for it, so I made myself reenter the land of the living even though I felt like staying in my room for the rest of my life.
Chapter 6
I had an appointment with Dr. Briggs that Tuesday, and Coleen said she wanted to bring me school shopping and to the AT&T store to get a phone while we were in town. We drove to town in the Accord that I hoped would soon be mine, but she didn't mention it, and I hated to bring it up since we were already going to get my phone.
She dropped me off in front of Dr. Briggs' office and said she'd be back in an hour to finish our errands. I talked to the receptionist who buzzed the doctor and then told me to go ahead into her office. I peeked around the door and Dr. Briggs waved me in. She closed the folder she was writing in and took off her reading glasses as she smiled at me.
"Hello, Jovi, how have you been this week?"
I let out a sarcastic laugh even thought I didn't really mean to. Her expression turned to one of concern. I plopped down on the couch, pulling the purse from over my shoulder and setting it beside me. I sighed. "I went over to Earl's neighbor's house to meet their family, and I think being there with them and seeing how normal they all were sort of made it sink in that I was never going to know what that's like."
"Why do you say that?"
"Because there's no way I'm gonna end up like that after everything that's happened in my past."
"You're speaking with such finality," she said, giving me an almost-curious cock of the head.
I smiled, remembering my conversation with Caleb. "Someone else told me that exact same thing. That's so funny; I think he actually used the term finality. I don't mean to sound hopeless or anything, but I think it's important that I come to terms with the fact that I won't have a normal life with a nice, normal guy where we raise a normal family."
"Why do you say that?" she asked.
I looked at her like she was missing the obvious. "Because, I'm not going to lie about my past, and let's be real here Dr. Briggs, I'm not likely to attract any winners with my history."
"I'm really surprised to hear you talking like this, Jovi. Is there some reason you don't think you deserve a shot at a normal family like everyone else?"
I let out another little laugh. "It's not that I don't think I deserve it. I'm just trying to be realistic, and I'm obviously not innocent like the rest of the girls my age. I just can't see how someone like me would be attractive to a nice guy."
"That's untrue. And what makes you think everyone else is so innocent? You've been in high school. I don't have to tell you how promiscuous most teenagers are."
I gave her a look of challenge. "You know I'm in a different league," I said.
"So what, Jovi? Everybody's got secrets. Nobody's perfect."
"The same guy who said finality said that same kind of stuff to me the other night," I said.
"I'm glad you brought that up. I wanted to ask you about it when you mentioned it a minute ago. Am I to understand that you confided in someone besides Coleen and Earl about your past?"
"Yes." I knew she wanted me to elaborate, but I was quiet for a minute.
"Is that something you've decided to do? Be open with your peers about your past?"
"I guess I was sort of toying with the idea when I told him, but he told me I should keep it to myself."
"It sounds like you made a friend."
"He's leaving for college in a couple of days but I'll probably hang out with his sister some."
"Was he handsome—this mystery wisdom giver who's leaving for college in a few days?" Her question had me blushing because I'd been having a hard time forgetting how handsome he was. I smiled at her calling him a wisdom giver. I put my head in my hands and let out a frustrated groan.
"It doesn't really matter if he's handsome or not because that type of guy is not even close to an option for me." I looked at her. "And don't go trying to talk me into thinking I deserve him, because it just won't happen. Him and his perfect, long-term girlfriend are waiting till marriage and he already knows I'm a whore."
"You're not a whore, Jovi."
I gave her a self-deprecating half smile. "It's been a long weekend."
"Is he your neighbor?"
"How'd you know?" I asked, as if she'd been spying on me.
"Because you said you went to your neighbor's house and they were so very normal. I just put two and two together."
I got nervous thinking about how small this town was. "Do you know the family I'm talking about?" I asked, thinking she might know exactly who Earl and Coleen's neighbors were.
"No. And even if I did, it wouldn't matter. I want you to feel comfortable telling me what's on your mind."
"He's not on my mind. It's not even an issue, and now we've made it into a way bigger deal than it is."
"No we haven't. I'm glad you're making friends. And not that the time is now, but when the time comes, you can't feel guilty about being attracted to someone."
"It's not that I feel guilty, it's just that I don't want you trying to make me believe I have a shot at someone like him."
"You need to give people more credit than that. What makes you think someone won't love you for who you are?"
I was quiet for another long minute. Part of me wanted to be mad at her for getting my hopes up, and the other part was thankful that she believed I had a shot.
"I think I want to try to be a radio disc jockey. I thought maybe I'd look into going to school for broadcast journalism," I said. My main objective was to steer the conversation from Caleb Cross and the fact that I would never have someone like him, and it worked. Dr. Briggs was all over that like white on rice.
"That's fascinat
ing," she said. "Is that something that has always interested you?"
I shrugged. "I didn't think much about it since I was making good money, but yeah, I mean it's always something I've thought I'd be good at."
"I'm a fan of this idea, Jovi," she said. "You have the voice for it. I could really see you being good at something like that."
I smiled. My voice was something I'd always been proud of. It was different—raspier than most girls.
"Do you practice?" she asked. I shot her a curious expression. "Do you practice your skills? You know, practice announcing songs or bantering with a co-host."
"I didn't really think about it being something you could practice. I guess I just thought I'd go to school and they'd teach me everything I should know."
"The best time to plant a tree is twenty years ago. The second best time is today," she said.
I didn't really get her analogy and my brows furrowed as I tried to understand what she was saying. She had straight hair that hung in long layers and she gathered it together and threw it over her shoulder. "It means if you're going to become good at what you do, you need practice. There's no reason to wait to find out what a school can teach you. Start honing your skills now."
I sort of thought I understood the similarity with the tree, but wasn't sure. I knew she had a point, though, and I resolved to figure out a way to practice, even though I was pretty sure I had no idea where to start, and would probably embarrass myself in the process.
"What's so funny?" She asked.
"I was just thinking about how embarrassing it would be to practice announcing songs."
"Practicing anything is embarrassing," she said. "That's the nature of the beast. The whole reason you practice something is to get better, therefore the act of practicing often exposes your shortcomings."
"Yeah, I'm not a fan of that."
She laughed. "Nobody is. That's why practice is hard. It takes discipline. It's much easier to give up."
"So, you think if I just wait until I go to college I'll be giving up?"
"No, but I think you will have wasted a whole year when you could have had a little experience under your belt."
Feels Like the First Time Page 4
