Feels Like the First Time

by Casey McMillin

  I knew it probably came across as pouty, but I didn't walk in the graduation ceremony. I figured there was a good chance that the entire Cross family would be there, and I just didn't feel like it. I faked sick at the last minute so no one could try to talk me into going through with it. I wasn't trying to be angsty or anything, but fuck Hillsboro high school and everyone who went there. Okay, maybe it wasn't that dramatic, but at least fuck graduation. I never understood why people made such a big deal about it anyway.

  I moved to Little Rock two weeks after graduating. I found a tiny and cheap but nice apartment above someone's garage. I promised Earl and Coleen I'd get a part-time job to help pay my way. They were really nice about it and told me they didn't mind as long as I focused on school, but I knew I would be getting a job anyway because I hated asking them for five dollars every time I needed it.

  I was thankful to them for helping me out, though. They had been better parents to me than anyone who'd been in my life before them, and I thought it was a shame that I met them nine months before I moved out. I had no idea if they were helping me out because of their own guilt, but I wasn't asking questions. I had a car, phone, food, and a place to stay—along with an education. It didn't really matter what their motive was.

  Chapter 14

  Years passed.

  Two-and-a-half years to be exact.

  It was mid December and I was about to start the last half of my junior year at college in Little Rock. Everything was going good with school. I was working at the campus radio station doing a rock show similar to the one I did with Mark, only this one was all mine.

  My voice and accent lent itself to a rock DJ persona, and the show got enough positive feedback that the station manager helped me get my foot in the door as an intern at KROC, Little Rock's largest rock station. I'd been working at both stations since my sophomore year, and was having a lot of fun at both. I often caught myself thinking how cool it was that I would get a paycheck for doing something I enjoyed so much.

  I started getting paid about six months earlier. It wasn't much yet, but my no-pay internship turned into a paying gig when they offered me co-host on an afternoon show at KROC. I was just there to chime in occasionally, but the host said he'd be thrilled to have me on, and I was planning on taking whatever I could get if it meant moving up. He was an older guy named Shaun Murphy who'd been working at the station his entire career, and part of me suspected they were expecting him to groom me in some way, which I took as a compliment.

  So, school and my career in general was on the up and up—and that's not the biggest news of all. My boyfriend of six months proposed to me on my twenty-first birthday. His name is Zack and I met him through a friend at the college station. He's technically a pro skateboarder, but all that means is that he gets a bunch of free stuff and sometimes gets paid for random things. He's a chef at a local restaurant as a day job, and is really good at both skating and cooking. Plus, he's hot and he has a highly dysfunctional family. He was everything I was looking for.

  Anyway, Zack asked me to marry him last week in the privacy of my apartment, and tonight we planned going out with some friends to celebrate that and my twenty-first birthday.

  Oh, and by the way. I'm pretty much all healed up from that prostitute stuff I went through with my aunt. I mean, I guess I am. I feel normal, although Zack may disagree with that. He knows about my past and is totally fine with it, but he's going a little crazy waiting for me to have sex with him. I told him I wanted to wait till I get married, which was probably why he popped the question so quickly.

  I wasn't sure why I felt like I needed to get married before I had sex again but I did, and I had to go with that. Dr. Briggs would probably say that is a natural choice for someone who's been through what I had. I hadn't seen Dr. Briggs since my engagement, but I planned on stopping by her office sometime just to say hi, and thought she'd be happy for me.

  My hair had grown out quite a bit. It fell in the middle of my back and my bangs had grown out. The same friend who set me up with Zack knew a really great hairdresser who gave me a cool haircut with tons of layers. I dressed in fashion forward clothes to fit my persona at the radio station. I figured if I'm gonna be a personality, why not go all out, right?

  It was Friday night, and Zack and I were on our way to Theo's Tavern to meet a few of our friends. My girl Marsha, the receptionist at KROC, was the loud and crazy one who yelled at Zack and I from across the bar when we walked in. She reserved a few hi-top tables near the far end of the room, and Zack and I seemed to be one of the last ones in our group to arrive.

  Everyone had a good laugh about the rock stars being the ones that need to make a grand entrance, but then they congratulated us on the engagement and wished me a happy birthday.

  In total, there ended up being twelve of us, and by the time we were a few drinks in, our tables were rowdy—just like you'd expect from a bunch of rock DJ's and skaters. It didn't really matter. The whole bar was rowdy. That was what made Theo's fun.

  It was 11:30 when Zack said we really needed to be going. He had a competition the next day that offered a cash prize and endorsement, and couldn't be hung-over and tired for it. He and I were in the process of saying goodbye to our friends when I saw a familiar face near a window at the front of the bar. It was packed and I was slightly buzzed, so it was hard for me to be sure, but I thought I recognized the guy. Oh good God, was that Caleb Cross? My gut clinched instantly as he smiled. I knew it was him even though I'd only seen his profile.

  I purposely avoided him for the last two-and-a-half years, but seeing him there made feelings rush back to me that were so fresh I felt like I had seen him yesterday. I just stood there and stared at him, barely breathing. I had no idea what I was going to do. I wanted so badly to talk to him, but just didn't know if I could subject myself to it. I was breathless at the sight of him from across a crowded bar. I thought talking to him might cross the line of what I could handle.

  I followed Zack toward the door, still uncertain whether or not I'd talk to Caleb when we passed the spot near where he was. I could easily pretend I never saw him and just walk on by.

  The closer and closer we got to the front of the bar, the angrier I got with myself for not being able to choose. I wanted to talk to him so badly, but I just didn't think I could do it. The music and murmur of the crowd only served to make me that much more overwhelmed. Zack reached back to take my hand, and to my own shame, I glanced back at our table of friends and acted like I didn't see him.

  We continued the last few feet to the door, and I just couldn't bring myself to go up to Caleb. I stared down at Zack's heels as we walked toward the door. Just as I went to cross the threshold, I felt a hand come around my arm. The last time I glanced at Caleb, he was totally preoccupied talking to the guy he was with, and I assumed I'd be able to slip out the door without him seeing me. Imagine my surprise when only seconds later, I felt his hand around my arm.

  "Jovi," I heard him say. I felt weak in the knees at the sound of his voice, and I turned to face him, reminding myself that I needed to act surprised.

  "Caleb!" I said. "What in the world?"

  Zack had gone on ahead of me, and I glanced in his direction to see that he'd noticed I wasn't with him and was coming back. At that same moment, Caleb's friend, who I could now see was Jake my prom date, came up behind him. We stepped outside the bar and sort of converged on the sidewalk near the front door.

  I looked at Zack. "These are friend's of mine from high school," I said.

  Zack smiled and stuck out his hand for the guys to shake. They both looked different—so much thicker than I remembered. I tried not to stare at Caleb. I looked anywhere but at him. I looked at the ground, and Zack, and Jake, and when I did meet Caleb's eyes, it was only for the briefest of seconds. I just couldn't do it.

  "I took Jovi to prom," Jake said proudly.

  Zack smiled with a slight look of challenge. "Oh she told me all about the douche bag who brought her to prom,
" he said.

  I knew he was joking but Jake didn't. He looked at me, shocked that I would say such a thing.

  "I'm kidding," Zack said, laughing. "She never said anything about going to prom." He looked at me. "Should I be jealous?" he asked jokingly.

  Jake was entertained by Zack's antics, but when I glanced at Caleb, I could see that he wasn't. In fact, he was the opposite of entertained—he looked pissed.

  "It was nice meeting you guys," Zack said. He flinched as if he was going to start walking off but then looked back at me to make sure I was coming. I didn't move. Everything had happened so fast and we'd only been standing there for like two seconds. I couldn't leave already. I glanced at Caleb.

  "Stay and hang out," he said. His voice was low and measured, and I felt like he was talking to me and didn't want Zack to hear.

  I had to fight to hold back tears. He was an older, stronger version of the Caleb I remembered, and I was completely defenseless against his charms. I swallowed, unable to make words come out of my mouth. I was riding with Zack and I knew he couldn't stay, but I couldn't imagine walking off right then. "Where are you guys going?" I asked, looking only at Caleb.

  "We came to town to go to the Kevin Gates show," he said. "It's next door at The Varsity."

  I knew who Kevin Gates was. I listened to about as much rap as I did rock and he was one of my favorites.

  "I forgot he was playing tonight," I said wistfully.

  "Yeah, she asked me to take her to that. I don't see how she listens to that shit," Zack said.

  "Why don't you go with us?" Caleb asked, basically ignoring Zack.

  "Why aren't you guys there already?" I asked, looking at my watch.

  "Jake's seen him three other times. He doesn't take the stage till one o'clock."

  "Why would you buy a ticket to see him again if he's that late every time?" Zack asked.

  "Because the wait is worth it, dawg, he's the shit," Jake said. He made a face like Zack should be punished for asking such a thing about Kevin Gates.

  "I'd like to see him," I repeated. It was the truth. I wanted to badly enough that I looked at Zack with an earnest expression. "I seriously want to go if I can find a ticket," I said.

  "Oh, we got you a ticket," Caleb said.

  I gave him a quizzical look, and he pointed through the window into the bar. "There's a couple in there who already offered to sell us their wristbands," Caleb said.

  "Yeah, she got sick from smoking some of that fake weed and had to leave," Jake added.

  "They only wanted twenty bucks for them, but we already had tickets," Caleb said.

  I looked at Zack. "I know you can't stay, but I think I might want to hang out. These guys will give me a ride home when it's over."

  Zack looked surprised and concerned as if my sudden departure was out of character.

  "What?" I asked. "I wanna go."

  Zack looked at Caleb and Jake. "I should be hurt that she wants to leave me at our engagement party, but I guess I can forgive her since it's also her birthday party and she did want to see that show."

  Caleb's stone-faced expression didn't budge. "Congratulations," he said.

  "Thanks," Zack said.

  It took a minute to work through an awkward goodbye with Zack, but eventually he was gone, and I found myself following Jake and Caleb back into Theo's. I was so thrown off balance by seeing him that it didn't even register that two tables of my friends were still sitting in the back of the bar.

  We bought a wristband from a girl who was barely conscious in a booth and made her boyfriend promise he would take care of her before the three of us found a spot at the bar. There was only room to stand, but we nudged our way up there. It was extremely crowded, and impossible to move without bumping into each other, but I was perfectly content to bump into Caleb.

  My senses were awakened, and each time my body came into contact with his, I tingled and ached. He stood behind me and put both hands on the bar to lock me in place. My back was to him, but I might as well have been turned around giving him a full frontal hug.

  I looked at Jake, wondering if our proximity was obvious or if we were playing it off. I smiled inwardly thinking I might as well have a sign on my forehead that said take me to bed Caleb Cross. I wanted to melt into his arms.

  Then all the sudden I heard Marsha's voice calling my name. I stood up straight, hopeful that Caleb and I looked like we were just standing next to each other.

  "What are you still doing here?" she yelled from a few feet down the bar.

  "I ran into some old friends from high school," I yelled back.

  Marsha smiled at Caleb and Jake, who both waved.

  "We're just having one drink before we go," Caleb said. He didn't offer any information about where we were going when we left, and I was grateful for that. I feared that my friends might want to come too and I really didn't want them to. I wanted to be alone with Caleb. I couldn't see the harm in hanging out with him for one night. I wasn't married yet, and nothing was going to happen anyway.

  Chapter 15

  We went to The Varsity just after midnight. We ended up sitting with my friends for that last drink at Theo's because it would've just been awkward if we stayed at the bar while they were still sitting at tables. Caleb and Jake got along good with everyone, and even though Jake could be a motor mouth sometimes, he refrained from mentioning the Kevin Gates show. Neither of us told him to—he just instinctually kept the secret. Maybe he could tell I wanted to be alone with Caleb, and if so, I was thankful to him for helping me out.

  The wristband worked like a charm. No one asked me any questions when we walked past the guys at the door. Right when we stepped inside I recognized someone I knew from the station. He worked at The Varsity, so I wasn't surprised to see him.

  "What's up brotha?" I said, giving him a sideways hug. "I had to buy this off a wasted teenager next door. I didn't know you'd be here tonight."

  "I didn't know you liked Kevin Gates, or I woulda come by the station to hook you up," he said.

  "It's all right," I said. "It was just twenty bucks, and I think she needed a cab home anyway." I glanced at Caleb. Jake was already preoccupied watching the DJ who was onstage but Caleb had been listening to the conversation. "This is Matt," I explained. "I work at a radio station that deals with The Varsity all the time. We do ticket giveaways and stuff like that."

  "Jovi's the shit up at that station," he said.

  Caleb and Matt shook hands, both smiling.

  "I'm hardly the shit," I said, looking up at Caleb. "I have an itty bitty part on an afternoon show."

  "Don't let her lie to you," Matt said. "Everybody loves her over there."

  Caleb just smiled. Rap music was booming, and it was really hard to hear what anybody was saying. "I guess we better get a spot," I said. I waved at Matt. "It was good seeing you."

  "You too. Hey, do you need a new band?" He wrapped his finger and thumb around his own wrist in case I hadn't heard him. Mine was not in the best shape and I bought it off a girl who wasn't yet twenty-one. If I wanted to drink, I needed the other color band—the one for twenty-one and ups like Caleb and Jake had.

  "I think I'm okay," I said, waving him off. "I'm not having anything else to drink."

  "All right, let me know if you need anything little lady," he said.

  "Does everybody in this town have a crush on you?" Caleb asked as we pushed our way through the thick mass of dancing bodies. We had already decided on a spot, but getting there was harder than we anticipated.

  "Matt does not have a crush on me," I yelled as we walked. "He's just my friend."

  "What about that guy Zack?"

  Now what was I supposed to say to that? It was impossible to have a decent conversation in this atmosphere anyway. He glanced back at me, expecting an answer and I just made a confused face. Jake was walking ahead of us and was oblivious to everything we were saying.

  We reached the spot where we were headed and stood to face the stage with pra
ctically no room to move. He stood behind me again, close enough to touch me even though we had a little more room than that. I knew it made me a terrible person but it felt so good that I didn't stop him. He was barely touching me and still I felt relief. Caleb was the definition of comfort to me and I leaned back into his chest. The music was blaring and the crowd pulsed to the rhythm of the music. He slowly wrapped his big arms around me and gave me a squeeze. I was so relieved and turned on that I didn't even care that what he was doing looked like PDA.

  A white rapper I'd never heard of before came onto the stage to do a couple of songs, and Jake watched him, not really caring what Caleb and I were doing. His warm chest and arms felt like ecstasy to my skin. He was so firm and muscular and I turned my head and leaned into him with no regard to who was watching us or what the rapper on stage was doing. The side of my face nestled into his neck right below his jaw and I breathed in the familiar smell. I was so amped for him that I wanted to turn around and jump his bones right there in front of God and everyone.

  This was not a good situation. We had just gotten there and already I was feeling overwhelmed by the temptation. I leaned up, looking like I wanted to say something. He smiled and tilted his ear so he could hear me better.

  "I don't know if I'm going to be able to do this," I said.

  He cocked his head at me. "Why not?"

  "Because, I'm like, you know, enjoying myself," I said, smiling and trying to make light of it.

  "Since when is that a bad thing?"

  "Since that's not supposed to happen to someone who's getting married."

  His expression was mostly unreadable, but slightly injured. He stared down at me as if he was contemplating what to say. He dropped the grip he had on me, and I missed the presence of his arms. I wanted him to hold me again.