"Who, Caleb?"
"Yeah."
"No. I don't think we parted on the best of terms." Another tear rolled down my cheek.
"Do you want to be him?" she asked.
I wiped at my face with my sleeve. "More than I can explain," I said dazedly.
"Then what's the problem?"
"The problem is—I'm already engaged and he's way too good for me. Plus, there's no way he would have me now after I disowned him in front of Zack yesterday morning."
Marsha looked at me and then pointed at me with a wiggling finger as if to take in my bedraggled appearance. "Well, this right here is obviously not going to work," she said. "I don't understand why you can't just be with the guy you want."
"It's not that easy. He's from a God-fearing family. I'm like Bathsheba over there. He's just not the type of guy who settles down with a girl like me."
She stared at me, shaking her head. "You keep giving me all these reasons why you can't be with this guy, but seriously, Jovi, do you want to settle for someone you don't want because you think your first choice is too good for you? I'm not even gonna begin to tell you how angsty and dramatic that is—not like the Jovi I know and love who whips ass and takes names on the radio everyday."
I managed a tiny, little smile at her sweet attempt at making me feel better. "It seriously might be too late to get him back," I said.
"You'll never know if you don't try."
"I'll have to break up with Zack."
Marsha cocked her head and looked at me through narrowed eyes. "I hate to be the one to tell you this, but I think you're relationship with Zack is doomed. Zack didn't stand a chance with that guy anyway," she said. "I could have told you that the other night by the way you looked at him."
I had no idea it was that obvious. I stared straight ahead, thinking back to Theo's and the Kevin Gates show and then the things that happened in my apartment afterward. I couldn't stop a smile from crossing my face. I felt like I was on an emotional rollercoaster.
"I think I might love him," I said.
She smiled. "Text him," she said, wide-eyed. "Or better yet, call him. Call him right now and tell him how you feel." She started to wiggle right there in her seat. "This is sooo romantic."
"I can't. I have to figure out what to do about Zack first."
"That's easy," Marsha said. "You break up with him."
I thought about it and realized it was probably as simple as that. I was glad I called her. I thought it was an impossible situation, and she really did help change my perspective. It was then that I understood the power and importance of human contact in our lives. It was amazing how hearing her take on my situation turned me from hopeless to hopeful just like that—a few simple words, and my mind was completely changed. Okay, so maybe my mind wasn't completely changed and I wasn't a hundred percent hopeful, but I felt much better than I did when I first walked in. I think it helped that she was so easy-going with the idea of me breaking up with Zack. I expected her to be shocked that I would even think about leaving my fiancé. I expected her to react like I was a bride who left her groom on the wedding day. But you know what? Who cares? Brides leave grooms all the time. I had the right to change my mind—especially when Caleb Cross entered the equation.
"Now that's what I'm talking about."
I glanced up at Marsha who pointed at my face. I realized she was talking about my smile. I hadn't even noticed I was smiling. Thoughts of smiling and happiness led me to instantly explore everything that could go wrong. My smile faded and so did hers as she watched me. She looked at me, perplexed by the change.
"What if he says no?" I asked.
"Who Zack?" she asked, still looking confused by my mood shift.
"No, Caleb." I stared at her, worried. "He looked so hurt when he left my apartment and I just closed the door on him—right in his face. I don't know if he'll forgive me. He's probably back together with Rose by now."
She stuck her hand out to stop me from saying anymore. "Hold your horses Jovi. You need to take a deep breath here. I'm sure he's not with someone else already." She spoke as if no reasonable human being would actually think that and I should get a hold of myself.
"Seriously Marsha. I closed the door right in his face. Why the hell did I do that?"
"Okay, you have to stop beating yourself up. Just a second ago, you were about to set off on horseback to go get him and now you've got yourself talked into him being married when you get there."
I laughed. It was basically that bad. My feelings were all over the place.
I felt better when I left Starbucks, thanks to the conversation with Marsha. That didn't change the fact that I had two very difficult tasks in front of me. It was late that afternoon when I got my thoughts in order enough to execute my plans.
I'd been in touch with Zack throughout the day and arranged for him to come over at five o'clock. I was tempted to just tell him over the phone, but I wanted to see his reaction to make sure he was okay. Also, I felt too guilty to do it over the phone or I probably would have.
The break up wasn't easy. It was a two-hour ordeal where he kept saying we hadn't even given things a shot yet. It took me two hours to finally buck up and put him out of his misery. I thought I was being nice by sort of tiptoeing around it at first, but bottom line is, the only thing that works is saying I don't like you and I want to break up. It took two hours of back and forth for me to finally figure that out.
I was exhausted when he left my house. I decided to spend the night in Little Rock before heading to Earl's in the morning. I had some tears to shed, and I wanted to be alone for that.
The next day was Monday the 21st, which meant Christmas fell on a Friday. I had plans to go to Earl and Coleen's that Wednesday anyway, but just decided to go up early. I figured I'd stay through Christmas regardless of how things played out with Caleb.
I woke up Monday morning with such anxious energy that I found it hard to chew and swallow a few bites of cereal. I had no problem drinking my coffee, though. I took it on the road with me.
It was almost noon when I came rolling into town. I called Coleen about ten minutes before I got there.
"Hello, how are you sweetheart?" she answered.
"I'm fine, how are you?"
"We're good. Earl went to Albertson's this morning and got two turkeys for Friday. Actually, we were thinking he'd go ahead and fry them on Thursday so we could eat on them for Christmas Eve and Christmas."
"I hope it's okay if I decided to come early," I said. "I'm on my way there now."
"Of course it's okay. We want you to come. Sam and Annie won't be here till Wednesday, but we have plenty to do to get ready for Christmas."
Sam and Annie were Earl and Coleen's kids. Sam lived in Memphis with his wife Beth and their six-year-old daughter Ada. Annie was single and lived in Fayetteville. I had gotten to know and love them over the last few years, mostly through Coleen who kept us all connected. I guess they were considered my half-aunt and uncle but I saw them more as a brother and sister.
"Is Zack coming with you?" she asked. She knew he was planning on it when I came on Wednesday, so it was a fair question but it still made me cringe.
I sighed. "Zack and I broke up," I said.
"Oh sweetheart, I'm so sorry to hear that. Is that why you're coming back early?"
"Well sort of, but not for the reasons you're thinking. It was me who left him, and I'm fine. I mean breakups are never easy, but it was what I wanted. I'm fine and he's fine and life goes on, right?"
"That's right," she said.
"Well what time are you planning on coming in?"
"I'm actually pulling into town. I'm only about five minutes from the house."
"That's great. Did you eat lunch? We have some lunch meat in the fridge and a little stew from a couple nights ago."
"That's okay," I said, unable to think about food.
"But I do need to ask a really weird favor of you," I said.
"Sure, sweetie, whatch
a need?"
"Can you move the ping pong table so I can park in the garage just for tonight? And also, can you look outside at the Cross' house and see if anyone's outside or if Caleb's truck is there?"
Coleen was silent for a second. "Of course," she said. She didn't mention how weird my favors were. "Do you want to hold on while I go look?" she asked simply.
"Sure. Do you mind?"
"Not at all."
I heard a minute of rustling sounds as she moved. "Okay, it uh, looks like nobody's outside. I figured they wouldn't be since it's so cool out."
"Do you see any of their vehicles?"
"I think Bonnie's car is there, but I don't see any others. Caleb's truck's definitely not there because he parks in the same spot all the time and I can usually see his truck from here."
"Have you seen his truck there recently?" I asked. I figured he'd already come home for Christmas since it was Jake he was with at the concert, but he may have gone back to Fayetteville.
"Yes I sure did, now that you mention it. I saw it out there this morning."
"Okay, thanks. I'm gonna be pulling up in about three minutes. If you don't mind moving that ping pong table, I'll just pull into the garage."
"No problem," she said. "We'll see you in a minute.
The garage door was open and there was a spot waiting for me. Coleen stood in the corner of the garage and closed the garage door with the push of a button when I got inside.
She was grinning from ear to ear when I got out of the car. "I'm glad you came early," she said.
We went inside and I brought my things up to my old room. It was technically Annie's old room too and I would give it to her when she got there on Wednesday, but for now, that's where I'd sleep.
I was only in my room for a few minutes before I heard a few gentle taps on the door. "Come in," I said.
Coleen came in holding a mini tube of toothpaste and a few bottles of what I assumed were shampoo and conditioner. "I had these from our trip to Memphis," she said. "It's that Aveda stuff you like."
"Thanks," I said, reaching out for them.
"So are you telling me why you wanted to park in the garage, or is that off limits."
"It's not off limits, but I'm not sure how it'll play out. I’m trying surprise Caleb in a little bit and I didn't want him to see that my car was here before I had the chance to."
"I always thought you two would be a nice couple," she said, smiling.
For some reason, it really surprised me that she'd say that. I thought we were the most unlikely match ever and couldn't understand how we would have even crossed her mind. "You did?"
"Well sure."
"I don't know if we'll end up being a couple," I said, not wanting to seem too hopeful.
"You know Esther's got herself a boyfriend now," she said.
"I know. I keep up with her through Instagram." I sprawled out on the bed and sighed, trying to get my thoughts in order.
"I'm gonna bring a snack plate up here with some crackers or peanuts or something," she said. "You need to eat something."
I knew she was right so I gave her a thankful half-smile before closing my eyes. "Thanks," I said. I got lost for the next little while in my thoughts. My original plan was to try to meet him in the barn since that was the place where we could totally be alone. There wasn't much privacy to be had at his parents' house and I figured the barn would be a good place to catch him alone. I knew I could make a nice quiet spot for us if I had an hour or so, but I'd have to wait till after sunset to do it if I wanted to remain unseen.
Chapter 19
Coleen brought me that snack plate she promised and I nibbled on a few bites while I listened to music. I was trying to use music to get myself hyped for seeing Caleb, but I couldn't settle on what type I needed to hear. First, I wanted a slow, heartfelt one that made me imagine us walking up to each other and making up with no words or explanations—just the music playing in the background. Then I'd feel like I needed a rap song or some rock and roll to get me pumped.
I stayed in my room (or Annie's room) listening to music for quite a while. I knew I wouldn't make any moves till after dark, but that didn't stop me from going down the hallway to look out the north window every once in a while. His truck stayed gone all afternoon, and I started to think he might have gone back to Fayetteville.
I got some quilts out of a closet and a lantern out of the shed, and put them in a stack by my bedroom door just in case he came home. I started to get annoyed as the afternoon faded to dusk and he still hadn't arrived. I decided to take a long shower—you know, the kind where you shave and make sure all your other body hair was in order. I cleaned every nook and cranny of my body, and by the time I got out, it had gotten darker outside.
I went down the hall with my hair in a towel. It was dark enough outside that it was hard to see out the window, and I squinted at the spot where Caleb usually parked. There was definitely a vehicle parked there. It was Caleb's truck, no doubt about it. Nervous excitement hit me like a ton of bricks and I giggled as I ran down the hallway back to my room to get dressed.
If there's one thing you don't do when you're trying to win somebody back, it's go up to them looking like a bum. I was excited to get over to him now that I knew he was home, but I knew I needed to take thirty minutes to put my hair and face in order.
Most of that was spent blow-drying my hair. After I got it sufficiently dry and smooth, I put on just enough makeup to give me a little confidence, and tried to choose an outfit I was comfortable in but that looked good. I went with denim tights and a plaid button-up. I had a pair of old cowboy boots that I'd worn at least once a week since back in the day when I used to ride Cucumber. I felt comfortable in them and they looked good with my outfit.
I stared in the mirror, feeling about as confident as I could get given the circumstances. There was still a chance that my heart was going to be broken tonight, but I looked at my reflection thinking I'd done my part to make myself as tempting as possible to him. I ran a hand through my hair and did a last once-over to make sure everything was in order before I went over there.
I walked downstairs carrying the blankets and lantern I'd gathered earlier along with a canvas bag with a few other supplies.
"Where you headed," Earl asked when he caught sight of me.
"I'm going to see Cucumber," I said.
His bushy eyebrows furrowed. "You're not going out riding at night, are you?" he asked.
"No, no," I said.
Coleen reached out and put a comforting hand on his arm. "She's just going over there to see the Cross family and their horse, honey. That horse is gonna think you look beautiful, by the way, sweetie," she said.
I smiled and sat the supplies down by the back door. I looked at Coleen on my way to the kitchen. "I'm gonna grab some orange juice. Do you mind if I add a splash of white wine to it?"
"Of course not honey. Help yourself. I'll have Earl pick up some more tomorrow."
I had to ask because Coleen took a week to go through a bottle of wine and she would definitely notice if some was missing. I decided against the orange juice. I went for a couple swallows of straight wine and then I set off on foot to the barn.
I remembered the night we first walked to the barn together more than three years before, and I smiled, feeling hopeful and nostalgic and a little warm from the wine. I stayed on the path I'd walked so many times, and had no trouble knowing exactly where to step even though it was dark out. I entered the barn before turning on the lantern. I could have easily just flipped a switch and the overhead lights would have come on, but I didn't want anyone to know I was in there, so I made my way around with a lantern. There was a little light coming from a nightlight near a desk on the far right hand side of the barn, but the light was so little that it only reached the area near the desk. The barn was dark enough that I needed the lantern to see where I was going.
I walked down the center isle and peered into each stall one by one. There were four horses i
n the barn, but Cucumber and Buster were the only ones I recognized. I gave them both a pat before deciding on a stall to take over. There was a small, clean stall in the back of the barn and I put the lantern and blankets down in it. It wasn't that cold, so I didn't even bother with looking for one of the electric heaters I knew they had out there.
I could hear the shifting, breathing, and neighing coming from the horses, and one of the first things I did when I got into the stall was pull out a little speaker from the canvas bag and put some music on. I also had three candles in the bag and I took them out and lit them with a match. I put the candles and speaker on the edge of the stall and went to the loft to grab some straw. The stall floors were concrete, so I used a bail and a half of straw to make a mattress that was about three inches thick. I spread four different quilts over the top. It was probably overkill, but I didn't know how cold it would be and I wanted to be prepared. Plus, it would be extra comfortable.
I dusted myself off, trying to make sure I got all the bits and pieces of straw out of my hair and off of my clothes. My plan was just to call him and tell him to come meet me out there, but now that it was all done and it was time to make that call, I was starting to second-guess myself.
I went to Cucumber's stall for a second to gather my wits before I did anything. She was excited to see me, I could tell. I had already given her a little rub on my way in earlier but it felt nice to sit there and pet her for longer than a few seconds.
"Do you think me and Caleb would make a cute couple?" I asked rubbing behind her ear.
She nodded. It was because of the ear-rubbing, but she nodded nonetheless and I took it to mean she thought we'd make a good couple.
"I think so too," I said. "What do you think Ben and Bonnie would make of that?" I asked. Cucumber knew Ben and Bonnie well, but she didn't offer her opinion on how they would take the news. I knew it was ridiculous for me to sit there and talk to a horse any longer, so I pulled the phone from my pocket and dialed Caleb's number. It rang four times before his voicemail picked up. It was a standard greeting, and I hung up without leaving a message.
Feels Like the First Time Page 13
