by Pauline West
“When have we ever been normal?”
“One minute we’re on like fucking Donkey Kong, and then the next you tell me we can’t ever see each other again. I have to climb up the side of your house and basically break in to see you.”
I glanced at Ry hotly, remembering last night.
Mm.
He knew just how to hack my mind with the images he wanted there. Getting out of this room and on the road as soon as possible was probably the single most important task of my life up until that moment, but what can I say?
Love brings out the worst in me.
I smiled to myself. “That was pretty hot.”
Ry grabbed me, drawing me away from the duffel bag I was frantically trying to pack.
He was so powerfully built that it felt delicious. Ry could pick me up like a feather and bat me around the ceiling if he wanted, and there’s something about being manhandled, about losing control, that draws me like a moth to flame.
I knew the look on Ry’s face, the animal need written there, was matched on my own.
I was helpless in his orbit.
Desire tangled through me.
“Listen to me, Lily. I will make you understand if I have to.” He made a leash of my hair, raking it back so I couldn’t escape, and kissed me deeply,
Then, very gently, he kissed the sides of my eyes, lingering over my tears. I watched him run his tongue over his lips, tasting my salt, and I knew what that mouth could do: Ry’s teeth so heartbreakingly white against his tan, and the plush slide of his tongue along his lips.
“God, you are a gorgeous man,” I said.
Ry kissed my forehead, releasing me. And now I wanted nothing more than for him to hold me. To lose myself in him.
“I couldn’t give less of a shit about your mom’s past, or who she is.” Ry’s hands fell to his sides, bowing his powerful shoulders. “I don’t care about your past, Lily. All I want is you.”
“Mmm.”
“So stay with me.”
Goddammit.
“I just can’t, not right now! Why can’t you understand that?” I turned. “Why can’t you trust me for once?”
Talking to him about this had been a terrible idea. It was making everything worse.
Way, way worse, and so much faster than I’d even dreamed.
I had to get away now, before I sabotaged everything.
“Lily? Steve’s worried, too.” Ry paused. “We think you might need-”
I spun back to him. I knew what would come next, and I didn’t want to hear it. Not from him.
That word I hated: therapy. Humming lights, bad carpet. Somebody you don’t know shining a flashlight into the secrets you desperately needed to keep, even from yourself.
“It’s none of your business!” My words rushed out before I meant them. “You aren’t my anything. When I said we couldn’t see each other, I meant it.”
I slipped free, avoiding his eyes. This time I knew I’d stung deep, and I couldn’t face him.
I started packing again, trying to keep my head empty. This wasn’t about either of us. This was about other people. Kids who’d had terrible luck all their lives.
But both Ry and I recognized one thing was true. Nobody packs flirty little dresses unless there’s some guy involved.
Sure, these were dresses my best friend’s sweetheart had made, and I knew it would make Chandler happy to see me wearing Aerie. Chandler was gay as bowties for brunch, so there was absolutely no threat to Ry there.
It would have been just a happy accident that Aerie also happens to be super sexy- except that there was a guy involved. One who was decidedly hetero.
Additionally, he was one of the sexiest species on the planet.
A touring musician...
I had no intentions of betraying Ry while I was out of town, but I wanted to look cute for Casper. I needed my musician friend to help me figure out how I could get more modeling work so I could keep the Foundation afloat, because Ry’s father was about to pull funding.
That was because of me.
My fault. So I couldn’t let myself be with Ry until I’d made sure I’d done the right thing.
I dropped a red dress into my bag.
Ry exploded. “Okay, wow. You know what? You want to run off and fuck somebody else, that’s fine. Some fucking singer? That’s absolutely fine. What the fuck ever. You want me gone so bad, Lily, I’m gone.”
See, the problem was, Casper hadn’t been exactly secretive about his interest in me. So Ry hated Casper as much as it was possible for Ry to hate anyone.
“If that’s what you think, just go,” I said. “If you already don’t know me better than that.”
If Ry had just stayed away last night-! If he could have just waited a few more days-!
Our problem was that neither of us could wait for each other even a few minutes.
I reached out for him. “I know it seems like I’m being an asshole-”
But the word hung between us like a electric light.
Seems?
I was being an asshole.
“Shit,” I said. Not sorry. Just shit. Which summed it all up, basically.
Ry turned and left the room. My sweetest friend, my only lover. Walking right out the door, and who could blame him?
Until that moment it had always been my foster parents that did the dumping. I have a chart filled with them on a basement shelf somewhere. Pages and pages of names, like shitty plastic beads on a string. A long string. So I’d been dumped enough to understand what was happening.
We were over.
But as Ry disappeared, I learned it felt different to be Abandoned rather than Returned to Sender.
Worse.
Way worse.
I balled up Ry’s shirt and threw it after him. Wanting to make him angry. Wanting him to turn
Around, so I could see his face one last time.
And so he’d have to see mine. “Take your shit with you!”
No response.
Of course I didn’t deserve one. I knew that. I’d known what would happen if I let Ry in before I’d figured out how to fix us. I’d known everything would implode.
And now it had.
But it’s cold comfort to find out you were right when it means you’re standing there all alone. My apartment was soundless, empty as a glass spilled at the beach. Ry was gone.
I sobbed into my dresses. The walls of the heart shaped box were a thousand miles away. I would never find the way out. And I was the one who’d walked right into the trap, throwing away my own key.
~o~
Casper grinned sheepishly, hugging me close. “Glad you came, Lily.”
He lingered just a beat too long, and I pulled back, more flustered than I wanted to be.
“It’s good to get out of town,” I said.
“Take it from one hedonist to another: always keep a ticket in your pocket. Tell you what, it is always good to get away,” Casper said.
“I’m not a-” But I paused, thinking how much I luxuriated in Ry. And if that wasn’t hedonism-!
Casper laughed. “Yep. Welcome to the club. Ye hedonist.”
Chandler’s eyes danced at him. “I hate to say this, brother, but we’ve got a ticket elsewhere ourselves. Want to meet up later?”
Casper grinned. “Got the meeting with Ray Cole, didn’t you, boy?”
Chandler shimmied. “I think it’s turned into an interview!”
“Awesome. I think Cole’s spot is that way-?” Casper nodded towards another group of trailers we could just make out around a bend in the pine trees. “I saw him over there earlier.”
Nancy smiled. “I can take you to him, kiddo. I’d love to.”
“Yay!” Chandler’s joy was contagious.
“I’m so proud of my boo!” Beren kissed him deeply, dipping Chandler back so that his lover all but melted in his arms. They were a perfect marriage of contrasts. While Chandler was pale as a magnolia, slight and delicate, Beren was dark as ink, his body shar
ply carved with lean, powerful muscles, and it was beautiful to watch them.
“Woo!”
But as we turned, heading back to the golf cart, Casper reached for me.
“Hey, Lily. Stick around.” Casper’s hand drifted to my wrist and then floated away, leaving a trail of warmth behind it. “If you don’t mind. There’s some stuff I wanted to go over.”
“Oh. All right,” I said.
We watched our friends drive off, Nancy beeping goodbye as they disappeared around the turn, zipping away faster than ever. We waved, laughing.
“She’s excited to meet Ray Cole,” I said. “She’s wearing one of his jumpsuits, did you notice?”
But my words came out too fast, and I could tell Casper couldn’t understand what I’d said. He just smiled at me.
Nervous. Why was I nervous?
Casper was grinning now. “He and Beren still going strong?”
Uh oh. Was I blushing?
“Oh yeah. They’re doing amazing.”
Yup. Definitely blushing.
“I’ve never seen Chandler so happy.” Casper looked away, and I wondered if he was doing it out of kindness, trying to make me feel less self conscious. Which made me warm towards Casper more than ever. While also desperately trying to un-warm myself.
“Tell you a secret. Beren’s thinking about popping the question,” I said.
Casper smiled. “Seriously? Wow.”
“When you know, you know.”
“I was a wedding singer in college. Might have to pick that up again.” Casper ran his hand through his hair, black leather bracelets tumbling down his tattooed arms. He still wasn’t looking at me. Whether it was out of kindness or not, I felt my blush slowly beginning to fade.
“Want to see my digs?” he said.
“Oh yeah.”
Casper turned, leading the way in his tattered, oil-stained jeans and tissue-thin shirt. I could see his lean, sculptured body all too clearly as I followed, still trying to master my bubbling nerves.
Ry left you, I thought.
So why did I feel so guilty? And it wasn’t as though anything was happening. I remembered something Hazel had said to me once, as a joke. “Some people are just born guilty!”
Be alive all the way into your bones, Beren had said. Just once, I wanted to live that way. I wondered what it would feel like, just embracing the present moment, being deeply alive to it, and not so locked up in my own head.
Behind us, the silver-haired man took the guitar back into his lap, nodding as we passed. He began to strum again as we walked into Casper’s airstream trailer. Everything was vermillion and black except for the guitars piled on the table and chairs. Painted bird cages were strung along the ceiling; gorgeous old rugs overlapped one another along the floor.
“It smells fantastic in here. What kind of candle-?”
“Oh, I’m having this, um, cardamom moment,” Casper said, gesturing around the tiny kitchen. “Wen has me topped up. Cardamom-rose coffee. Cardamom vodka, cardamom soaps, whatever you want. Do you, um, like cardamom?”
“I guess so,” I said. “Hey, listen. We should talk.”
“My favorite three words in the English language. Okay, what did I do now?” Then Casper saw my face. “I’m kidding, Lily. I am sorry.”
“My favorite three words,” I said. “Fun!”
“Really?”
“No, goof. Listen, it’s ok. I understand. You are who you are.”
“Huh. The way you say that, I’m not sure I want to be who you think I am.”
“Think you can change?” I said, playfully.
“Probably not.”
“Truly, it’s all right. I mean, you changed my life in a cool way. An incredibly cool way.”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah. That check from your label, I’m putting it into a charity.”
“Dang, Lily. That’s awesome.”
“Well, it would be if it wasn’t because I fucked it up. Ry’s dad is threatening to pull their funding if I don’t quit seeing his son. His dad thinks I’m a bad influence.”
“What an asshole.” Casper grinned. “I mean, that Lily Inoue, she never gets in the headlines or anything.”
“Ha.”
“Well, you’ve been great for my career, anyway. You want another gig? I can hook you up,” he said.
“Yeah, that’d be cool,” I said. “That’d be amazing, actually. That’s what I wanted to ask you!”
“My agent has been wanting to talk to you,” Casper said. “She can get you as much work as you probably want.”
“I’m starting school soon, will that be-?”
“Don’t worry. Gigging works perfect with school. You pick it up, put it down, pick it up. No biggie.”
“Wow.” I grinned. “Well, that was painless.”
“Heh, you still gotta do some stuff to get it rolling. Send her some head shots, stuff like that, but nothing too bad. I’ll give her your details. How are you and ol’ Ry, anyway?”
“I don’t even know anymore.” I picked at my fingers. “I didn’t want him to know I was coming here.”
“Why’s that?”
“Because I knew he’d follow. And if Ry’s dad saw any pictures of us together, then he’d get real serious about pulling funding. Right now it seems like we have might some time before he pulls it. Maybe he’ll even change his mind, I don’t know.”
“Jesus. That’s a lot of pressure on you guys.”
“We broke up. But it’s one of those where you don’t know if we really broke up…” I trailed off. “No, I mean, I guess we did. Actually, I have no idea. I don’t have experience with this stuff. Um, any experience with it, actually. Why am I telling you this?”
It was all pulling out of me like a splinter. Standing in a rock star’s kitchen and telling him I’d never been a relationship before.
“Sorry. I’m babbling.”
“Psh. You know, it’s not supposed to be so hard. Just to be in love and stay in love. Maybe something’s not right. Maybe just let it be. See what happens.” Casper threw up his hands. “But hey, I’m just a guy, I’m just saying. Is all.” He slouched down onto the sofa. “And it’s not like I’m known for my… fidelity.”
“Right.”
I sat across from him and Casper sprawled out, his feet brushing mine playfully.
Immediately I pulled back. Too aware of the warmth of his skin. It was as if Ry had tripped my circuits or something. Now everything reminded me of sex.
Well, not everything.
Casper.
There was something special about him. He had a naked vulnerability that made you want to wrap your heart around his and protect him from the world.
Also. He was gorgeous.
I covered my face, laughing. This whole ‘be alive all the way into your bones’ experiment was already intense.
“What’s up?” Casper said, innocently.
“Oh. My life is ridiculous.”
Casper ticked his feet closer to mine again. I moved away, glittering my eyes at him so that he’d know I understood exactly what he was doing. Inexperienced or not.
“What about you, are you in love with anyone?” I said.
“Sure. I’m in love all the time.”
“You know what I mean. Somebody had to break your heart for you to write a song like How to Spend It.”
“Man, I don’t know. A bad sandwich can break your heart.”
I laughed. “You’re so full of shit, Casper.”
“Somebody has to tell the world to itself, that’s all.”
“Maybe a guy who’s getting his heart broken by sandwiches shouldn’t be telling people about it!”
“My worst fear! You see too deeply, princess.” Casper leaned over and opened the top of a side table. I couldn’t help noticing the contents. It was a pharmacopeia. Jars, baggies, pipes. Pills.
My mind went silent.
Oh, I thought.
Casper plucked out a jar of weed and a packet the size of a pack of
gum.
“Flavored rolling papers,” he said, smirking. “I like things sweet, what can I say.”
Oh, my mind said again.
The table was still open. The array inside was dazzling.
“You’re sweet, Lily,” Casper said, lightly. Trying to shock me, maybe. I must have looked appalled and curious and terrified all at once.
But I was intrigued, too.
I felt like trying something new. Fiddling with my borders a little. This broken-heart shaped room I’d built for myself; it might be nice to stick my head out the window for a while.
But what if I liked the feeling— too much?
