“You’ll never see her again. You’ll be with me forever where there is no warmth, no love, no kindness. You’ll work, hard, and I’ll never let up. Ever. For all time, even when the end of the world has come and gone.”
“I’m ready.”
“Do you love her?”
“Does it matter?”
He disappeared.
He would be back. Until then, I’d spend the time with Mariah and say goodbye.
I sat on the chair next to her bed and watched her beautiful face in sleep. Where was she? Did she live on the rug by the fire? Was her mother there? Was she happy?
I began to cry and couldn’t stop. Falling to my knees, I grasped her hand and held it within my own and rested my head on the bed. “Please, please, wake up now. You can do all those things you wanted, and be here with your family, with Jordan and my brothers. Please, puica, let me see you smile just one more time before I go. I love you so much, Mariah.”
A hand came to rest on my head and I jerked up, thinking it was her, but she was still asleep and unmoving.
Turning, I blinked away my tears.
Like a beacon in darkness, lit by divinity, an angel smiled down at me.
~~ Mariah ~~
The rancher had gone, and sometime later, another man arrived. He wasn’t nearly so good-humored as the rancher. I wasn’t sure if he was handsome, or ugly, or somewhere in between. I kept trying to see his face, but I couldn’t remember what he looked like, even when I was looking directly at him. He talked about me as if I wasn’t there. He said things like, “Heal her mind,” and “Let her go, let her be with God.”
I sat up and said, “I’d love to be with God. Mary Michael, can I go be with God? It’s not that I don’t like it here, but you’re going to leave me, I know you are, and then I’ll be all alone.” I began to cry. “I’m so tired of being alone. Please, if I could just be with God, I’ll never be alone again. God loves me, I know he does.”
She never looked at me. Slowly, she faded and was gone. I grabbed Beet and held onto him, but he also disappeared, leaving my arms empty. The light began to fade and then there was only me and the man, in a circle of light in the middle of darkness. He reached out and I laid my head in his hand and sighed. Now I knew who he was. This was Lucifer. “Why are you here?”
“I came to take you home. Do you want to go home?”
“I want to belong. I just want to be normal, and belong, and matter. Why do I never matter?”
He stood and pulled me up and drew me close and hugged me tight. “You matter to those who love you, like me, and God, and Mary Michael. You matter to Viorica.”
“She brought me here. She’s lost.”
“Kyros brought her back to God, and they’re waiting for you at home.”
“I’m glad. So glad.”
“You also matter to the brothers, especially Phoenix.”
“He forgot I existed.”
“He never forgot you. It was his way of protecting you.”
“It sucked.”
“I didn’t say it was a good way, just that it’s his way. He’ll always be one who compartmentalizes, which you can surely relate to. Everything in your mind is in its place, where you can find it or ignore it, depending. Sometimes you’ll be in a place in his mind that’s safe, where he can find you after he’s taken care of what’s in the other spaces of his mind. It never means those things are more important. Just that they have to take priority in his thoughts. He can’t help it, Mariah. It’s how God made him. It’s why he’s so good at his plans. He loves you.”
“No.”
“He came to get you.”
I leaned back and looked up into his face, but couldn’t remember his features, even while I looked. “You mean in my dream? He comes to get me from my dream.”
“When he discovered you were in Hell on Earth, he went there immediately, and stayed with you until I arrived.”
Horrific memories slammed into me and I couldn’t breathe. So much pain and blood, terror and evil. And Phoenix, fighting, shouting, holding them back while I screamed. Holding me, trying to keep them from taking me. I’d scarcely begun to remember when the memories were gone.
“I’ve taken them, Mariah. It’s as if it never happened and you were never there, and you’ll never remember. It’s my gift to you, so when you open that empty box in your mind, think of me and know that despite who I am and what I stand for, there is a slice of warmth still in my soul, and I am capable of affection for those I admire.”
Affection from the devil. I was oddly humbled.
“Phoenix waits for you, Mariah.”
“Where is he?”
“In your room, hoping you’ll wake up. But if you want to go to Heaven, I’ll make that happen and you’ll never wake up.”
I peered up at him, trying to hold on to his features, but it was impossible. “Why you? Why not Mary Michael? Wouldn’t she be the likely candidate to take me to Heaven?”
“She is his mother, so all her persuasions would come with an ulterior motive. Same goes for his father, although he’d never admit to it. Mephistopheles likes the illusion that he’s impartial, and for the most part, I let him.” He smiled and I knew I’d remember that. “I’m the one here now because it’s my will, because I want you to fully understand what it is to be with Phoenix. He’s not the worst of his brothers, but perhaps the most complicated, like his father. He’s an odd blend of good and bad, exacting precision and a complete mess. I always favored him because he’s never been one to hide from his mistakes, and he’s had a lot of mistakes.”
“He can be very kind and considerate when he wants to be.”
“And selfish and nasty when he wants to be.” He stroked my hair. “He’s been acting badly the past few weeks, breaking things, yelling at his brothers and the Purgatories and Luminas. When they launched the takedown at Jordan’s memorial service, however, he was his usual careful, methodical self and it all went off without a hitch. As soon as they were back, he began issuing orders and guarding your bedside and telling the rest of them to back off and let you rest.”
“Where have I been for all that time?”
“Asleep in your mind. You get up, you eat, you take a bath, but you’re not there. You never speak, never focus. You’re a functioning body without life. I put you to sleep to let your mind heal, and now I’ve erased the remaining memories that would cause you to relapse.”
“Even Emilian?”
“No, that’s part of who you are, Mariah. It’s what life handed to you and I have no call and no right to make it go away. The other . . . I do have some authority, and I believe you can be perfectly well-rounded without remembering.” He stroked my hair again. “I see why he’s so fascinated with your hair. Always did love a woman’s hair.” His hand stilled against my head. “He does love you to distraction, child. So much, I lost him, just last night. He broke down and cried and begged God to send you back and promised he’d love you forever and never, ever not be grateful. You know, groveling sometimes works.”
I smiled at that.
“He was sincere and God recognizes sincerity. It doesn’t mean Phoenix won’t ever be overbearing or ill-tempered again. You need to keep this in mind before you decide.”
“So he loves me. Does that mean he’s redeemed? I thought I had to love him back.”
“You do. We all know it. You know it. God knows it. Yes, Phoenix can look forward to Heaven when the end finally comes, or when Eryx is defeated, but redemption isn’t a free pass. He must live a life of honor. When he screws up, and he will because he’s Phoenix, he’ll need to be repentant. Not guilty. Guilt is a joke if repentance isn’t real.” He stepped back from me, out of the light so that I couldn’t see him any longer. “What say you, Mariah Ardelean? Shall I deliver you to God, or return you to Phoenix?”
“Suppose I left the decision to you? Where would you take me?”
“To Phoenix, of course. I need Mephisto to fight Eryx.”
I didn’t thi
nk that was the only reason, but I appreciated his honesty. I nodded and the next moment, I heard Phoenix’s voice. He was reading.
“. . . do not have patience for your base, loathsome advances. I really must insist you leave, my lord, before I set the gardener on you.” He cleared his throat. “That’s harsh. The gardener is a giant. He’ll mash the poor man like a bug. Honestly, Lady Mavis should blow off Lord Whatshisname and go for the gardener. Being a really big guy, he’d have a spectacular . . . well, he’d be well endowed, wouldn’t he? There’s something about him, anyway. How many gardeners would know so much about the law? He’s undercover, mark my words. He’s gunning for Lord Whatshisname, who’s clearly about to swindle Lady Mavis. The guy has an unpronounceable name. Never trust a guy whose name you can’t pronounce. Moving on.”
I heard pages turned.
“Okay, skipping all the boring stuff. There’s a ball, and Sir Gouty Guy steps on her toe . . . blah, blah, and there’s a tiresome garden party . . . oh, ho! The gardener is lurking in the bushes. I knew it! He’s eyeing Lord Whatshisname. Lady Mavis says, ‘Max, what are you doing here? This is most unseemly.’”
He read that in a falsetto, and I’d never had such a hard time remaining expressionless.
“Max is a big ox and a bit slow, but is he really? Now he’s carrying Lady Mavis off to the old abbey ruins on Lord Whatshisname’s estate. He’s kissing her. She’s kissing him back. Aw, that’s nice.” It was quiet for a while, then he said softly, “I wish you’d wake up and kiss me, Mariah. God, I miss you so much. I’d give anything just to see you smile, just to have you look at me and know me.” The bed moved. “And love me.”
I felt his hands on me, stroking my hair, touching my shoulder, smoothing the covers. Then I felt his lips against mine, kissing me gently, and I kissed him back. He jerked away in surprise. “Mariah?”
I opened my eyes and looked up at his beloved face. “I am so glad you don’t write romance novels.”
Huge tears welled in his eyes and spilled over and rolled down his cheeks. He bent low and slid his arms around me and nearly crushed me, he held me so tight. “You came back,” he whispered against my ear. “Oh, God, you came back to me. Mariah, I love you so much it makes me crazy, makes me sad and happy and just . . . crazy.”
I had to ask, “Are you sure it’s not just guilt? You forgot about me.”
“I never forgot. You have to believe I didn’t forget.” He raised up and blinked down at me, his face an inch away. “I could never forget you. Ever, in a million years. I just get caught up, and that night, Key was so bad off, needed me like he’d never needed me before. I knew how bad it was for you, but I thought you wouldn’t want to hear what we planned, because it was Jordan, your Viorica.” Tears began anew. “I know it will get old, probably already is, but I’m always going to be a clueless wonder, Mariah. A big ox, just like Max, so you’re going to have to tell me when I’m doing it wrong. I’ll try, always, and I swear I’d never hurt you on purpose.”
“I know. I knew it then. I just had to see her, one last time.”
“And you did, and she tricked you.”
“I took her to Hell on Earth to get her away from Eryx, but it was all a ruse, and then she left me there.” I thought of Lucifer’s gift. “I don’t remember what happened after that. The box is empty.”
“It needs to stay that way. Will you see Jordan? She’s been very depressed, blaming herself.”
“Why? It’s all on Eryx.”
“She knows, but still, she’s the one who took you. You’ve been here, but not here, for over three weeks. She comes every day, sometimes three times a day, to check on you. She reads to you, and talks to you until I make her leave.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m a selfish bastard and I want you to myself.” He smiled at me. “Okay, not entirely. It’s just that there are so many who wanted to be here and hang out and talk to you and cry about you, and I didn’t know how much you might be aware of. I didn’t want them making you tired, or sad.”
He kissed me again, soft and gentle.
“Do you really love me?”
“I really love you. Last night, I talked to God and he listened, and I’m certain you love me back, because I was visited by an angel who told me I was redeemed.”
“Was it your mother?”
He shook his head and said soberly, “It was Jane.”
Now it was my turn to cry. I hugged and kissed him and we had an epic cryfest.
“Let’s never tell anyone how pathetic we are,” he said, rubbing his eyes with the heels of his hands.
“Deal.”
Deacon’s solemn voice came through the intercom. “Dinner is served. Allah is good.”
The familiarity of the announcement was unimaginably comforting. “I want to get dressed and go down there and see everyone.”
“Are you sure?”
“Absolutely sure.”
“Come on, then, and let’s get you in the shower.” He offered his hand and pulled me out of bed and began undressing me. When I was naked, he pulled off his T-shirt and unzipped his jeans.
“What are you doing?”
“Giving you your shower. We do this every day.”
“But, Phoenix, I’m awake now. I can bathe myself.”
He nodded. “I’m aware. Humor me.”
“Are we going to—”
“No, not yet. This is just a shower. I swore when you woke up, I’d get in there with you and run soap all over your body and not feel like a perv.”
“Did you feel like one while I wasn’t here?”
“You have no idea.” He held my hand and took me in the bathroom, where we took a shower together, and didn’t have sex because he said it was too soon, that he wanted me to be home for a while, wanted to make sure I was fully healed. I had a feeling he was talking about whatever happened to me during my time in Hell on Earth, but I didn’t ask. Lucifer said I wouldn’t remember, and I was glad.
I wore the black dress and a pair of beautiful heels to dinner. Phoenix walked me downstairs holding my hand and when we entered the dining room, everyone stood and clapped. Mathilda and Hans and Deacon and Dani and Mercy were all there, along with Mirabelle, who I recognized from her portrait in the library, and a big man I didn’t recognize who was introduced as Gunther, the newest Lumina.
Jordan – I was determined to think of her as Jordan from now on – rushed toward me and stopped just short of running into me, her eyes wide with worry. They were the color of bluebells again and I glanced at Kyros, who appeared as worried as Jordan. I hugged her and she cried and I heard Phoenix mumble, “Key should buy stock in Kleenex. We’re turning into crybabies.”
“Shut up, Phoenix,” Jordan said from my shoulder.
“As you wish, sister. Now, stop getting snot all over Mariah’s dress and let her sit down so she can eat. She’s been eating gruel for three weeks.”
She pulled away and said, “I love you, Mariah. I’m so sor—”
“No, none of that. It was a bad time. You weren’t yourself. Let’s look ahead and put it behind us, okay?”
“Okay.” She swiped at the tears on her cheeks and gave me a watery smile. “We’re going to see Euri play in New York later. Do you want to go?”
Euri? I shot a look at Zee, who said, “Don’t read anything into it. She won’t know . . . we’re just going to see Arcadia. Nothing else. You should go. They’re most excellent.”
I glanced at Phoenix, who sighed. “Just for a couple of hours, and no alcohol.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“You’re still my patient until I decide you’re well.” He did look concerned. “Now sit down and eat. Hans made your favorite. Short ribs.”
“How do you know it’s my favorite?”
He led me to a chair and pulled it out for me. “Because I’m the master of observation. Also, Hans told me.”
I looked around at their faces, so glad to be back. “Did I really eat gruel for three weeks?”
It was the Deacon equivalent of laughter, and I caught a look from Phoenix that indicated he had no idea why the big man thought it was so funny.
Dinner was delicious, as usual, and afterward, everyone transported to New York, to a club called Blackbriar in Hell’s Kitchen. Phoenix held my hand while we listened to Arcadia, and Zee was right – they were amazing. Euri was incredible. I noticed the lead guitarist staring at her and wondered if he was in love with her. I also noticed Zee couldn’t look away from her.
I whispered to Phoenix, “Is it weird to you how much she looks like Jane?”
“A little, but not the way you’re thinking.” He looked down into my eyes and smiled. “It’s all tied off, Mariah. Over and done. Euri is Euri, not Jane, and it will take a lot of time and probably a lot of work to get her with Zee, with us, but at no time will I think of her as Jane.”
“Maybe because you saw her as an angel?”
He sobered. “Because I’ve let it go. I love you, Mariah.”
I kissed him and didn’t care who saw.
When the band took a break between sets, I swept my gaze around the club, and stopped at a guy who casually leaned against the east wall while he stared at our group.
“Phoenix, Eryx is here.”
“I know.”
“He’s staring.”
“He turns up everywhere we go, but I don’t know why. Don’t care. He had a major setback after we retrieved Jordan.” He finished his whiskey and looked down at me. “We blew up Erinýes. He’s homeless and all of his work is gone. He’s bitter, I’m sure, and will no doubt try to take his revenge. We’ll deal. Let’s ignore him and enjoy tonight, okay?”
“Okay.” I did ignore him, and I did enjoy myself.
At exactly two hours into the evening, Phoenix said, “Time to go.”
I didn’t argue. I was tired, and we said goodnight to everyone and left, walking down the street a block before we disappeared and returned to Colorado.
When I was ready for bed, Phoenix was there, getting in with me, Olga curled up at the end. “Did you sleep with me while I was away?”
Only You (The Mephisto Covenant Series) Page 34
