by DeLuca, Gia
“Oh, okay,” Evie said, surprisingly dropping it, though I figured her thoughts had drifted elsewhere.
“So far, everything Julian ever said about you in his letters has been right,” I said earnestly. “You’re a good girl, Evie.”
“I’d really love to see those letters sometime,” she whispered. It killed me to keep them from her, it really did, but showing them to her now would complicate everything. It wasn’t time yet.
“Someday, kid,” I told her, watching her pretty face fall. “I promise.” I crossed an “X” over my chest, feeling the burn of my words as they scalded my skin.
I sunk back into the fabric of the scratchy outdoor loveseat, keeping my arm around her shoulder and watching her from the corner of my eyes. Her gaze was fixed on the city symphony below us as the breeze tousled her long hair. In complete silence, I observed while she watched the stoplights change from red to green to yellow, cars whiz past, and life go on.
If she were any other girl, I’d have kissed her right there under the starry sky. Her full lips begged to for me to crush them with my own. Her soft skin begged to be touched. Her body begged to be held.
But she wasn’t mine to kiss. She wasn’t mine at all. I didn’t even deserve her.
“Would you ever consider moving out here?” I asked.
She pursed her lips, cocking her head to the side. “Maybe, if I could figure out the logistics. It’s just kind of scary to think about.”
“I meant what I said about helping you get on your feet,” I said. “You can stay with me until you find a job, and I’ll help you find somewhere to live.”
“You’re too good to me,” she said, offering an appreciative smile. “It’s really something I need to think about. I love the idea of it, but actually doing it is completely different, you know?”
My eyes were fixed on her full pout and the perfect little cupid’s bow of her upper lip, and for a brief moment, I allowed my mind to wander, imagining what she’d taste like or how she’d react if I just claimed her lips.
The more I realized I couldn’t have her, the more I wanted her. I had no business feeling that way toward her. Her future was in my hands. My future, too. I had to stay objective.
“It’s getting late,” I said, shifting uncomfortably as my thoughts about her grew more intense.
“Yeah,” Evie said, standing up to stretch. She lifted her arms above her head, tugging up on her shirt and revealing a hint of bare flesh above her jeans. “I have an early flight tomorrow.”
We headed in, and I locked the sliding door as she slunk back to my room to change into pajamas in my bathroom. I perched on the edge of the bed as I waited my turn.
“Oh, you scared me!” she said a few minutes later as she popped out, her hand clutching at her heart.
“Sorry,” I said. “Just waiting my turn.”
She shuffled over toward the bed and sat next to me, our eyes locked. My palms grew sweaty as I clenched them, refusing to allow them to so much as touch her in any way.
“What’s wrong?” she asked, brows furrowed.
“I just don’t want you to leave,” I said. The words came too easy.
“I don’t want to leave, either,” she sighed, her shoulders falling. “I’ve been having fun with you.”
“Me too.”
My eyes shifted toward her lips. It almost felt like she was leaning in closer to me, though I was quite sure it was just my imagination, but the heat of her body radiating onto mine told me it wasn’t. Within seconds, my hands were brushing against her soft cheeks and my lips were pressed against hers, claiming her mouth as mine.
Fuck being objective. Fuck the future. All that existed was that moment.
My hands released her pretty face, and she wasted no time in pulling away.
“Fuck. I’m sorry, Evie,” I groaned. “I had no business kissing you like that.”
She opened her mouth as if to speak, but she seemed too stunned to say anything. I leapt off the bed, leaving the room and closing the door behind me.
EVIE
I traced my lips with my fingertips. They were still warm and still tasted like him. Paralyzed and replaying that kiss over and over in my head, I forced myself to shake it off as I climbed under the blankets and set the alarm on my phone for five in the morning.
I didn’t know how it happened. Perhaps, in a way, I’d willed it to happen. I’d stared at his lips all day, wondering if they’d feel familiar like Julian’s, wondering if they’d taste like Julian’s, if he’d kiss like Julian.
I got my answer. Jude was his own man. Nothing about his kiss remotely reminded me of Julian.
I palmed my red cheeks, feeling like I’d cheated on my husband in a weird sort of way, and whispered, “Oh, God. What did I do?”
I cringed, thinking about how awkward things were going to be in the morning. He’d jetted out of there before I could even say a word, probably feeling the sting of rejection since I’d pulled away.
Before I had a chance to give it any more thought, exhaustion had set in, and by the time I opened my eyes again, the moon outside the window had been replaced by the sun pulling itself over the horizon.
“Knock, knock,” Jude called from the other side of the door an hour later. I was showered, changed, and packed. “I need to jump in the shower. Then we can go.”
He flashed a charming, Jude-esque smile, as if nothing had ever happened and strutted into the bathroom. I vowed to do the same: pretend nothing happened.
Twenty minutes later, we were cruising down the freeway headed toward LAX. Traffic at six-thirty a.m. was a bit less chaotic, though it was still busier than back home.
He pulled into the drop-off lane and shifted his car into park, hesitating for a brief moment before getting out and pulling my bag from the trunk. I met him curbside.
“Thanks for coming to visit,” he said, opening his arms for a hug. “I hope you’ll come out again. Soon.”
“Thanks for having me,” I said, wrapping my arms into his Greek god physique. “I’ll be back. Don’t worry.” My words were noncommittal. I didn’t know if I’d be back or not. Everything was so up in the air.
He squeezed me tight before letting me go and slowly making his way to his side of the car. He hopped it, gave me a wave, and watched for a moment as I walked away.
That kiss meant nothing, I told myself. It was born from a moment of weakness and intense loneliness. He reminded me of Julian—that was all.
***
“So, what was it like out there?” Carys asked Sunday afternoon, perched on the foot of my bed as I unpacked my suitcase.
“Beautiful,” I sighed. “Palm trees. Ocean. Gorgeous people. Amazing restaurants. Fancy cars everywhere you looked. It’s a whole ‘nother world, Carys.”
“So we should move there?” For once, Carys appeared to be serious.
“I don’t know how we could,” I said. “Sounds good, in theory.”
“You’re so lame,” Carys said with an eye roll. “Live a little.”
“You know, Jude’s roommate, Jax, would be perfect for you,” I said with a calculating smile. “He’s like the guy version of you, if you surfed.”
“Oh, geez,” Carys said. “California surfer dude? Let me guess: he has sandy blond hair and a ripped body and is super laid back. No thanks.”
“He’s just like every other guy you date,” I said. “Just saying.”
“I’m never going to meet him, anyway, so it doesn’t really matter,” she replied. “Someone’s a little too scared to step outside Halverford for more than a weekend.”
I spun on my heel and shot her a look.
“If you go back, let me know,” Cary said. “Maybe I’ll tag along.”
“I don’t know when I’ll be going back.”
“Why is that?”
I bit my lip, searching for the words as I remembered the feel of his warm mouth claiming mine. “Jude kissed me.”
“Um, what?!”
“And I kissed him bac
k.”
Carys leaned over and grabbed my arm in disbelief. “That’s Julian’s brother.”
“I know, I know,” I lamented. “Which is why I stopped it after a few seconds. It just felt… wrong.”
Carys shook her head. “These things don’t just happen, Evie. I don’t think he’d just randomly kiss you. You must’ve been giving him signs, or something.”
“I don’t know,” I said with a shrug. “We’d been spending a lot of time together, and there’s definitely an attraction—at least, for me there is—though I suspect it’s because he looks so much like Julian.”
“Obviously, he’s attracted to you too if he kissed you,” she said. “And he invited you out to visit him. He must think a certain way about you.”
“He’s just taking care of me,” I said, scrunching my nose. “You’re reading into it too much. He promised Julian. He’s just being a good brother.”
Carys narrowed her eyes. “Maybe. Maybe not.”
“Did I tell you they have another brother?” I asked, tossing the last of my dirty clothes into a laundry basket across the room. “His name is Jamison. He’s older. A doctor in Manhattan, or something.”
“Maybe he’ll randomly appear on your doorstep so you can meet him too,” Carys quipped.
I shuddered. I couldn’t handle another surprise. “I hope not. Jude said he looks just like Caroline. I don’t need any Caroline doppelgangers showing up around here.”
Carys changed the subject. “You sure you don’t have any feelings for Jude? Not even a little?”
Shrugging, I said, “Even if I did, and I’m not saying I do, I’m not gong to entertain them right now. It just feels wrong. I can’t do that to Julian.”
“I suppose you have to do what you think is right.”
“I’m trying. Believe me, I’m trying. Everything is so confusing right now.”
“You just need to let loose and have fun, Evie. If you’re really that lonely, there’s always douchebag Spencer to keep you company. Rumor has it he’s holding a big ol’ flame for you and it’s burning awfully bright right now.”
“Ha!” I laughed. “I’m lonely right now, but not that lonely.”
“Oh, girl, he’s so in love with you,” Carys said, rolling her eyes. “Ever since you got married, it was like something switched in him. Every time I’d see him at Mulligan’s, he’d basically pounce on me and try to pump me for information. He’s probably stalking you.”
“Seriously?”
“I’m kidding about the stalking part, but yeah, he’s pretty obsessed right now,” she said. “He dumped his girlfriend back at school and tells everyone he made a mistake.”
“Serves him right,” I said, suddenly feeling extraordinarily vindicated.
“Look,” Carys said, “I’m not advocating for you to get back with Spencer. But at some point, you’re going to have to put yourself back out there. You can’t hold onto Julian forever.”
“I just need to focus on myself right now,” I said. “I’m not trying to date anyone. It hasn’t even been a month, Carys.”
Tears burned hot in my eyes. I hadn’t cried in days. Jude always distracted me from the pain.
“At what point, though, is it okay for me to move on?” I asked.
“It’s not like there’s a manual on how to grieve,” Carys said with a gentle cadence. “You have to do it when it feels right for you. No one else can tell you when that is. But don’t sacrifice the good guys that happen to come into your life all because you’re trying to create some kind of appropriate timeline because it makes you feel better about yourself.”
I grabbed a tissue and dabbed my eyes. “No, you’re right.”
“I should probably get going,” she said, glancing at her watch. “I work early tomorrow. Think about what we talked about, okay? I’ll go to California with you next time you go. I’m actually sort of curious about this Jax guy.”
Carys always knew how to take a heavy conversation and spin it into something lighthearted. She’d always had a way with words, and I loved that about her. She’d been there for me since we were kids. She was there when my grandmother passed away, when my dog was hit by a car, and when Spencer broke my heart into a million pieces for the first time. She was there when I eloped with Julian, and again when he passed. She was always going to be there.
JUDE
“So, how’d it go?” my mother’s stone cold, emotionless voice asked from the other line. “Your weekend with America’s Sweetheart?”
I gritted my teeth, closed my eyes, and took a deep breath. If I didn’t tell her exactly what she wanted to hear, there would be consequences. I knew better than to make a deal with the devil.
“It was fine,” I said.
“Just… fine? Care to elaborate?”
“She was here a couple a days,” I said, trying to hide my resentment toward her in my voice. “We did some touristy things. Talked a bit. It was a nice time.”
“How sweet,” she said with rampant sarcasm. “Sounds like she’s got you under her spell now, too.”
“It’s not like that.”
“Why are you so defensive, Jude?” she sneered. “What, you love her now, too?”
My nostrils flared as I bit my tongue.
“You do, don’t you? You love her.” The icy snap in her tone told me she was none too pleased.
“I don’t love her,” I said. “I just don’t really see what you see. She seems like a nice girl.”
“I know exactly what kind of girl she is, and she is not a nice girl, Jude,” my mother snipped. “Now, I’m paying you very good money to dig up dirt on her. Find me something.”
“And what’s that going to do, huh?” I asked. “None of it changes the fact that Julian left everything to her in his will. She deserves to know.”
“You better not tell her a damn thing,” she sneered. “So help me, Jude…”
“What, so the money’s just going to sit there in a bank account, untouched?”
“I’d rather those thirty-one million dollars sit there accruing interest for all of eternity than have Evie Cawthorn’s greedy little paws all over it.”
“Evie Garner-Willoughby,” I reminded her. Nausea flooded my stomach as the reality of being in cahoots with Caroline set in. I had no one to blame but myself, and I knew that. Evie didn’t deserve any of this. She needed to know, and I needed to figure out a way to tell her that wouldn’t send her scrambling to get far away from me.
“I’ll remind you one more time, Jude,” Caroline said. “If you don’t get me the information I need, I’m withdrawing my investment from your company.”
“You can’t do that,” I said.
“I’ll sell my share for pennies on the dollar,” she said, “if that’s what it takes.”
She wasn’t bluffing. Something like that would destroy my company and everything I’d worked for.
“What do you need info on Evie for, anyway?” I said. “What are you going to do with it?”
“None of your concern.” Caroline ended the call. She always had to have the last word.
***
Two weeks had passed since Evie went home. I thought about her every day. Any time I’d drive by the tapas restaurant or see a sign for the pier or sit outside on the balcony, I thought of her, what she was doing, what she was thinking. How big of an asshole I was.
I pulled one of Julian’s letters from my wallet. I’d done nothing but carry it around everywhere I went ever since he’d died. The instructions were clear: love Evie. Take care of Evie. I’d done nothing but walk her straight into the lion’s den.
All my calls, all of my texts, everything went unreturned. It was as if she was mad at me for kissing her, though I supposed she had a right to be. It didn’t make me think about her any less, though. In fact, it made me think about her even more.
Sitting on the edge of my sofa, I reached for my laptop unthinkingly and cracked it open. Within five minutes, I’d booked tickets to Kansas. I had to repair the d
amage. I had to see her again.
***
I pulled my rental car into Evie’s driveway. At ten o’clock in the evening, her place was pitch black. I skipped up to her porch and peeked into her window through a break in her curtains, but I stopped short of knocking on her door. If she was asleep, I didn’t want to wake her.
I climbed back into my car, whipping out my phone to text her, when a car pulled into her driveway behind me. A blonde girl sat behind the wheel, scrunching her nose and trying to read my plates while Evie reluctantly crawled out of the passenger seat and sauntered up to my car door.
“Jude?” she said as I rolled the window down.
“Hi,” I said, studying her reaction and climbing out. Evie threw her friend a look as if to say it was okay and waved her off.
“What are you doing here?” she asked.
“I hadn’t heard from you since you left L.A.,” I said. “You weren’t returning my calls or texts.”
“So, you just fly halfway across the country to stop by for a little visit?” she asked, an incredulous laugh in her tone.
“I was worried,” I said, neglecting to mention that she was all I could think about anymore and the fact that she ignored me drove me to do things I normally wouldn’t have done. “I know you’ve been a little depressed.”
“I’m not depressed, Jude,” she said, her eyes narrowing. “I’m in mourning. Big difference.”
I smiled, pursing my lips and looking away. “After I kissed you that night, I thought I scared you away.”
“Ah,” she said. “So, that’s what this is about?”
“Sort of.”
“I can assure you the kiss meant nothing,” she said, her words stinging. “I’ve been taking some time for myself. Trying to figure things out. Trying to move forward. It has nothing to do with you, Jude. To be honest, I’m kind of shocked that you took it personally.”
“When someone ignores my calls and texts then yeah, it becomes personal.” My jaw clenched. “What was I supposed to think, Evie?”
