‘Brynna.’ Mum was helping me up from the table. ‘Come on, clean your teeth and hop into bed.’
‘But it’s not time yet.’
‘Near enough.’ She pushed me towards the bathroom and I didn’t object. Sleep. That was what I wanted. If I went straight to sleep, I wouldn’t have to toss and turn and think about missing the audition. Sounded good to me.
I woke early and lay there, looking out at the trees in the backyard. They were fruit trees and at this time of the year, their bare, grey branches looked like bony arms. Some of them were even bent into ballet positions.
Ballet. I didn’t want to think about that. Oh well, it would make Lucy feel better if I wasn’t in the special class. Or going for the audition. Would Mum make me go to school today? Did I want to? I kind of did, because the alternative was either hanging round the house all day or hanging round the hospital in the waiting room.
I got up and washed my face, then found a clean bowl and filled it with corn flakes and milk. I made myself a hot Milo and sat at the table, munching away and watching the clock hands tick round. I heard a groan in the lounge room and Uncle Tony staggered out, scratching his head with both hands, his hair up on end.
‘Coffee,’ he muttered. ‘Got to have coffee.’
He made himself a cup and sat opposite me at the table. ‘How ya going, Brynnie?’
‘Good.’ I kept eating. ‘Are we going back to the hospital today?’
‘Your mum and I are. I don’t know about you kids. She was talking about sending you to school. Except for Tam. He’ll have to come with us.’
‘School.’ Maybe school would be all right, as long as no one asked me what was wrong. ‘I’d better get ready then.’
‘Ready for what?’ Mum asked, shuffling in in her bunny slippers.
‘School.’
She sat down next to me and gave me a hug. ‘You don’t have to go if you don’t want to. But it might be better than sitting in that place all day.’
‘Mmmm.’ I didn’t want to say what I really wanted, which was for everything to go back to the way it was two days ago.
‘What’s this Orrin was telling me about your ballet class?’
I stood up quickly and put my bowl in the sink. ‘Don’t worry about it. I’ve talked to Ms Ellergren. It’s fine.’
‘But we didn’t –’
I was out of there before Mum could say any more and the fact that she didn’t follow me and want to talk about it told me I was right – she couldn’t deal with the extra problem the audition created right now and I’d done the right thing.
It was just that the right thing felt like a huge weight on top of me. But I had to get over it. There would be another chance. If I kept telling myself that, I’d be fine.
What I didn’t count on was that Lucy had already heard I’d dropped out, and she was desperate to know why. Probably because she was hoping she’d get my place.
‘Is it true?’ she asked, grabbing my arm to stop me from walking into class. ‘Did you just not turn up last night?’
‘Of course I turned up,’ I said. ‘I talked to Ms Ellergren and everything.’
‘But – you weren’t in the class. Kate rang me.’
‘So?’
‘So she said there were only five there last night. And Ms Ellergren wasn’t very happy. What happened?’
‘Things at home have changed, that’s all. Ms Ellergren understands.’ It was almost a lie, but I didn’t care. And I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t care, didn’t care, didn’t care. If I just kept saying it, it’d be true. ‘Come on, we’ll be late.’
Mrs Nguyen smiled at me as I entered the classroom. ‘How is your father?’ she asked softly.
‘They’re still waiting. He’s still the same.’ I hoped she’d be happy with that. Mum must’ve rung the school, but I didn’t want to explain anything to Mrs Nguyen either. I went and sat down before she could say any more. At recess and lunchtime, I took a book and walked to the furthest end of the school grounds, where I hunched down behind a tree and read, the words blurring as I tried to block out the other kids yelling and running round. I knew Jade and Lucy wouldn’t come looking for me.
After school, I got home to find an empty house again and my heart sped up till I found Mum’s note on the table. We’re at the hospital. No change. Just visiting. Back at 6. Love Mum.
More than two hours away. TV was boring. I was sick of reading. Ricky. Would he be waiting at the youth hall for me? Or would he let me down again? I wanted him to be there. I desperately needed to see a friendly face. I changed into dancing clothes and put my ballet shoes in a bag, but I doubted I’d be doing any dancing. What was the point? Besides, it just reminded me of what I’d lost, and how pleased Stephanie would be. Maybe Ricky and I could go to the milk bar and have an ice-cream or something.
He was waiting outside the hall, on the wooden bench with only two slats left on it. The others had long been smashed off. ‘Hey. Why the long face?’
All day at school, no one except Lucy and Mrs Nguyen had even looked at me properly, let alone noticed how sad I was, yet he’d seen it in two seconds. I wanted to burst into tears, but that would’ve freaked him right out. I pressed my lips together hard, then said, ‘My dad had an accident at work. He’s in hospital and he’s really bad.’
‘Man, that’s not cool at all. You must be on a real downer.’
I sat next to him, perching on the slats. ‘It’s horrible. He just lies there, like he’s never going to wake up again.’
‘Those ER shows on TV, they say a coma’s a good thing, you know.’ He mimed putting a stethoscope in his ears and listening for my heartbeat. ‘Yep, the heart’s good, the brain just needs a bit of rest.’
‘Yeah, right.’ I smiled at him. ‘Dr Ricky to the rescue, huh?’
‘For sure. I’m a doctor when I’ve got time off from being a basketball star.’ He nudged me. ‘Suppose you don’t wanna dance, then?’
‘Um –’ I thought about it. I could tell he wanted to and I thought it might stop me dwelling on Dad and Ms Ellergren. ‘Yeah, why not?’
As we warmed up, I decided to put him in front of me for a change. ‘You can show me how to do it,’ I said. ‘Inspire me.’
‘Just call me Ricky Magic Nureyev,’ he said, curtseying low. ‘The bell-ay dancer with the best slam dunk in history.’
A giggle spluttered out of me and, shaking my head, I lined up behind him. This was going to be one bizarre practice session. And it was. He put Swan Lake on again and we spent half the time laughing and slapping our hands over our mouths so the bald man wouldn’t hear us and throw us out. The other half of the time, Ricky danced whatever he felt like and I followed, copying even his most peculiar dance sequences, some of which had nothing to do with ballet at all. It was such fun and for once my body fell into the music and I responded with my heart first.
We said goodbye at the corner of my street. ‘You take it easy, now' he said. ‘Your dad’ll be cool. I know these things.’
I shrugged. ‘If you say so.’ I wished I could believe him, but it seemed like so much had gone wrong lately that was out of my control. I had to keep hoping, but Ricky was no magician. As I got closer to our house, I could hear music blaring – some kind of heavy metal song with clanging guitars and a singer who shouted. The neighbours would be feral. Was it Tam or Orrin?
Orrin. He was in the lounge, doing push-ups while the music deafened him and the windows rattled. Too busy grunting as he bobbed up and down, he didn’t see me. I found the volume knob on the player and turned it down.
‘What did you do that for?’ He collapsed onto his stomach. ‘I still had forty to go.’
‘You’ll have forty neighbours lining up to kill you, more like it.’
‘Just a bit of motivation music. Where have you been? Mum rang.’
‘I was at the youth hall.’ I chewed on a fingernail. ‘What did she say?’
‘They’ll be home soon. We’re gonna eat, then go to the ho
spital.’
I sat down, fast. ‘Why? What’s wrong?’ I had a picture of us all around Dad’s bed, getting ready to say goodbye to him, and tried hard to shake it out of my head.
‘Nothing. Dad’s come to at last, although he still can’t talk. They said we can visit him tonight for a while.’ He started his push-ups again. ‘Forty-one. Forty-two. Turn the music up, will you?’
I did as he asked, only not as loud, and wondered if I should join him. That was what my life had been like lately – up, down, up, down – so push-ups might have helped me. But I had homework to do, to catch up on what I’d missed in class, so I dragged the books out of my bag and sat at the kitchen table. By the time Mum, Tam and Uncle Tony came home, I was finished.
‘Brynnie, did Orrin tell you about Dad?’ Mum’s face was one big smile.
‘Yes. That’s good news, isn’t it? When can he come home?’
‘Not for a week or two, probably. But at least he’s conscious.’ She patted my shoulder. ‘Before we go back to the hospital later, you and I need to have a little talk.’
I nodded. This was going to be about the audition, but it was too late. Ms Ellergren would’ve cancelled my appointment time already. It was too late to fix what I’d done. I was still sick about it, but the horrible feeling was fading just a tiny bit. Maybe one day it would go away.
chapter 25
We ate soup and toasted sandwiches, then while Tam had a shower, Mum and I sat in my bedroom. ‘Why did you go and see Ms Ellergren without telling me?’ she said.
‘I don’t know. You were with Dad and I didn’t want to bother you. I didn’t want to make things worse by you having to worry about ballet stuff.’ I stared out the window; I didn’t want to look at her face in case I started to cry. ‘Ms Ellergren was really nice about it.’
‘But you told her you were pulling out of the audition.’
‘Yeah, well – I have to. If Dad can’t work for a while and you have to look after him when he comes out of hospital, we’ll have no money. And there won’t be time for me to go to all the program classes.’
‘Brynnie, the money is not a problem. Dad’s wages will be covered by work insurance. And I certainly don’t expect you to give up ballet to help me with housework. That’d be the very last thing I’d want you to do. Housework! Yuck!’
I tried to laugh, but it came out all wobbly. ‘But I thought –’
‘What?’ She took hold of my hand and squeezed it. ‘Tell me.’
‘I thought Dad was going to die!’ A big sob burst out of me and I hated the sound of it. I wanted to be tough and brave, not a wuss.
‘Did you think giving up your ballet audition was going to save him?’
‘No! Of course not. But it seemed like you and Dad had given up our house and your jobs and everything to come here for me, and I just thought what I wanted was too much. That I had to give something up, to make things balance out again.’
I hadn’t really thought about it like that when I’d gone to see Ms Ellergren, but now, as it came out of my mouth, I could see that was exactly how I’d worked it out and why I’d done it.
‘What happened to your dad could’ve happened anywhere. There were times at his job in Bendigo when he could’ve got hurt, just like now. We might get run over walking down the street, for heaven’s sake.’ She sighed. ‘We all have our own path, you know, our own lives. Things like your dad’s accident don’t happen because you have big, wonderful things happen in your life. The universe isn’t like that.’
I blew my nose, struggling to accept what she’d said. ‘But it still affects all of us.’
‘Of course it does. But it’s not a balancing act. Having something great happen doesn’t mean the next thing will be horrible. And remember,’ she said, touching the tip of my nose with her finger, ‘an accident really is just an accident. Being good enough and working so hard to get ready for the audition is a big achievement, something you did all on your own.’
‘Too late now.’ My chest hurt and my fingernails dug into my palms. If Mum was serious, it meant I had given up the audition for nothing. I’d lost my place because I told Ms Ellergren I couldn’t do it, when it was actually okay. What had I done?
‘Of course it’s not too late,’ Mum said. ‘Ms Ellergren rang me last night and talked to me about it. She understood what had happened, and how you thought you were doing the right thing. She hadn’t called the NBS to cancel, just in case.’
‘What?’ I was on a roller-coaster, racing back up to the top, into light again. I couldn’t believe it. I could still audition? I jumped off the bed. ‘Tell me you’re not just saying that to cheer me up. Tell me it’s true!’
‘It’s true.’ Mum stood up and cupped my face in her hands. And that was the only thing that stopped me from hopping up and down like a demented frog. ‘It’s true, and you’ll be terrific.’
‘Thanks, Mum, thanks a million, million times. You don’t know how much this means to me.’
‘Oh, I’ve got a vague idea.’ She laughed. ‘Now, get changed and let’s go and see your dad. If you’re lucky, you might even get a smile out of him.’
I pulled off my dance clothes and found some jeans and a sweatshirt that were reasonably clean, but it was hard to get them on. I felt like electricity was zipping through me, and it made me want to sing and dance and throw myself round the room like a maniac. Except my room was so small that I would have knocked myself out.
Dad was still in the ICU, but his eyes were open. When we went in to see him, I could tell he sensed we were there, but he couldn’t see us until we got right to his bed. His head and neck were being held tightly in place. Mum had explained that was because his neck was damaged and had to be supported until it healed more.
He still looked scarily un-Dad to me. Too many tubes and bandages, and he was too still. He focused on me and blinked.
‘Hi, Dad,’ I said. And then I couldn’t think of anything else to say. What did you say? How’s the view? All he could see was the ceiling. How are you feeling? He was on big doses of pain-killers so he couldn’t feel anything. When are you going to get better? He couldn’t answer that. So I just smiled and let Mum take my place.
She held his free hand. ‘Hi, Mike, I’m back again.’ He blinked twice. ‘We’re all here this time. Orrin and Tam are over there.’ Orrin waved, Tam grinned. ‘How are you feeling’
Dad just blinked a few times.
Mum kept talking, telling him all the things we’d been doing, which wasn’t much, but she filled in about ten minutes, along with Uncle Tony chipping in. Then she said, ‘It’s Brynna’s audition on Friday. Won’t be long before we can all go and watch her dance on stage.’
The electric feeling came back and I tried hard not to fidget. I’d missed the last class. All that was left now was the audition. Was I ready? I felt like I’d never be ready, ever. I stretched my legs way out and arched my feet, banging against the wall, and pulled them back quickly, hoping no one had noticed.
But Mum had. ‘We’ll have to go in a minute,’ she said. ‘Time’s nearly up, so you boys had better come and say hello to your dad.’
They shuffled over and muttered a few things to Dad, who blinked. I took Orrin’s place by the bed to say goodbye, then Mum shooed us out, but not before I saw tears slide out of the corners of Dad’s eyes and down the side of his face. I went back and leant down to give him a kiss on the cheek. ‘Hurry up and get better, Dad,’ I said. ‘We need you.’
He blinked three times at me and his eyes crinkled up a bit. That was the closest he could get to a smile, but it was enough for me. He was going to get better! Everything would be okay. It would just take time, like Mum said.
I might as well not have gone to school on Thursday. My brain had moved to another planet and all I could think about was the auditions. The others would be at the School in South Melbourne, getting changed, putting on their ballet shoes, checking their ribbons, smoothing their hair, stretching and warming up.
What wo
uld it be like? How many people watched you, judged you? I imagined Stephanie tripping and falling flat on her face, and stopped in case I jinxed myself. Mrs Nguyen must’ve thought I was still worried about Dad. When she asked me questions and I couldn’t answer, because I hadn’t been listening, she didn’t get mad with me, just moved on to the next person.
At home, I wandered around the house like a lost cloud. I couldn’t settle to anything. And just as I’d decided to get out the lino and do some practice, the phone rang.
‘Hello.’
‘Is that Brynna?’
‘Yes.’ I didn’t recognise the voice.
‘I thought you’d like to know the auditions were really hard, and I don’t think you’re going to be good enough. So maybe you should withdraw now, so you won’t embarrass yourself.’
Shock made me dumb for a few seconds. Stephanie! How dare she! Then a cold, brittle anger speared through me like an icicle. ‘Obviously you made a complete idiot of yourself, Stephanie, and don’t have a hope of getting in.’
She gasped. ‘I’m a certainty. Mum said I was. So did Ms Ellergren.’
‘Ms Ellergren would never say that to anyone, least of all you.’ I wanted to be really nasty to her, as nasty as she was to me, but suddenly I pitied her and that was what popped out of my mouth. ‘I feel sorry for you.’
‘What? What do you mean?’
I couldn’t explain it, so I hung up the phone and found my hand was shaking so much that the receiver rattled. And my stupid brain immediately said, Maybe she’s right. Maybe you should give up now.
Pain shot through my head and I crouched down against the wall, my arms wrapped around me. I will not cry, I will not cry, she’s not worth it.
‘Whassa matter?’ Tam said, crashing past me on his way to the fridge. ‘You feeling sick or something?’
‘I’m fine,’ I mumbled.
One Perfect Pirouette Page 16
