“I think it’s too late now. I’ve never seen her look at me the way she did when I woke up.”
“She is going to leave you,” Aqeelah agrees, nodding. “And you are going to have to let her go, and not go after her.”
“I don’t know if I can.”
“As I have said, my dear friend, this time it is not your choice.”
* * *
Reina
I need my things. Not all of them, but there are things I want to take with me. Clothing, and a few pieces of jewelry. I could buy new things, but the comfort of having at least a couple of my old things with me as I embark on this new journey is too enticing to pass up. All I have to do is open the door in front of me, and go inside. Simple, right?
Walking into the apartment I’ve shared with Matt for the last year is anything but simple. Our marriage may have been pretend, but when we were alone inside, it felt real. I cooked him dinner, and sometimes he even cooked for me. We made love in every room, and on every surface available. He zipped up my dresses when I couldn’t reach, and unzipped them when we got home. In this apartment, I felt wanted, and sometimes even loved.
I have also felt disgust and anger in this apartment. When Matt would insult me, or make light of our marriage to his friends. When he would flirt shamelessly with other women while I was there in the room, making it seem harmless, because I was there. It wasn’t harmless. It was a way to keep me in my place. The worst was when he stood against me in Cyndryann. I stayed with Darcy for a couple of days, but then came home, and moved his clothes to the guest room. Again.
The betrayal I felt after that was worse than anything else I have ever encountered. I put on a brave face, but I was dying inside. I thought it would be over then. That we couldn’t come back, but we did. And then the unthinkable happened. Matt finally told me he loved me, and wanted to be with me for real. Right before he gave me our divorce papers. I was so stupid, thinking he would really want to be with me again after all these years. I won’t be stupid again.
I take a deep breath, and open the door. Nothing is changed, but then I’ve only been gone for less than a week. It seems like much longer with everything that’s happened, but it was only a few days ago that I woke up thinking my life was changing for the better. It didn’t then, but I think it will now.
I walk past the comfy couches and elaborate chandeliers that I helped Chloe Griffin pick out for us. I wanted this place to truly be ours, so I worked with her on everything. I didn’t just look at designs like I had with my own Corrigan apartment, because I wanted to spend my borrowed time with Matt in a place that we would both be comfortable in. A place where I had personally picked every item of furniture, and every knickknack, lighting fixture and piece of artwork. We mixed things from Matt’s old place and mine, and merged our styles together perfectly. I remember his jaw falling open when I showed it to him. I was so proud of what we’d done, and when he told me he loved everything, I pulled him on top of me on one of the couches, and showed him just how comfortable they are.
Looking at it now, I realize that it was too perfect. I was trying so hard to make it ours, that it really isn’t. It’s a mix of our things, but it’s not us. It’s the “us” that we both wanted to show the world, both separately, and together. But it’s not what I would have picked if we were just a guy and a girl. We haven’t been that in a lot of years, and we never will be again.
I give myself a mental shake to remind me why I’m here. It’s not to reminisce about sex, or lazy Sunday breakfasts. I’m here to gather my things, and go. Well, get ready to go. I still need to talk to everyone, and then talk to Matt. Or yell at Matt. I’m not sure I can be calm when I see him. We’ve fought for years, but I’ve almost always been the one to back down, to fall back into his arms. That won’t be happening this time. There are things I hope will happen down the road, and if I’m honest, some of what I hope for includes him, but I’m not counting on it. Or on him, ever again. A person can only take so much disappointment in their life, and I’m far past my limit.
My closet is the one room in the apartment that I didn’t pick for myself. Stella insisted that each of us have a full room for our clothes. None are as big and grand as hers, because some of us didn’t care all that much about it, but we have one nonetheless. I grab one of my suitcases from its designated spot, and start to fill it. I’m not taking anything that has special meaning, or sentimental value; although, truth be told, it all holds memories. Matt and I shared the chores instead of hiring someone to do them for us. More often than not, Matt was on laundry duty. Every piece of clothing I’ve worn in the last year has been touched by him, in one way or another. I sink down to the floor in the middle of the room, and let the tears come. Again.
I’ve needed to cry so much in the last day, and I have. I tried to get it all out when Stella was gone yesterday, but I know she heard me last night. She didn’t call me on it, but she did leave a pint of ice cream and a spoon outside my door after knocking and telling me goodnight. I’ll miss her, and all of my other friends so much, but I know I’m making the right choice for me. I just don’t know how I’m going to tell them that.
* * *
Matt
“Good afternoon, Matt,” Kendrick says as he walks into my room the day after my talk with Aqeelah.
“Are you moving me today?” I ask, needing to get to his hospital wing, and see my wife again.
“Yes. You have been responding well to everything, and your wounds are healing nicely. We can move you, but are you sure you want to?”
“Why wouldn’t I want to move?”
“Reina is very angry at you.”
“Yes, she is. Staying here won’t make her less angry, though.”
“But it would prolong your ‘talk’ would it not?”
“No, Kenny, it wouldn’t. You asked for 48 hours, and she’ll be coming for me after that, no matter where I am. At the Foundation, she won’t get arrested when she goes off on me. So it’s obviously a better option.”
“I feel like we should have guards in the room.”
“No. It’s going to be just me and her. When it’s over, we’ll pick up the pieces and move on. We always do.”
“You know her better than I do,” he says, shaking his head. “Honestly, despite all of my medical and psychology classes, I cannot figure any of you out. I just know you are all good people who make bad choices about where to have sex.”
“There’s no bad choice about where to have sex. It worries me that you even think something as insane as that, Kenny. You’ve obviously been sheltered your whole life, and we need to work on awakening the beast.”
“My…beast…is just fine, thank you very much.”
“When was the last time he came out to play?”
“How did my simple visit to let you know about being moved turn into an awkward conversation about my sex life?”
“That long, huh?”
“The nurses will be in to prep you. Try not to make any of them faint today.”
“That was so not my fault. I only smiled at her. And winked. I was just trying to be friendly.”
“Well, don’t. That poor girl has a large bump on the side of her head to go along with the embarrassment she feels.”
“Should I send her candy or something?”
“Goodness no. That would just make it worse. Why would you send candy to a woman you have no romantic interest in?”
I shrug. “I send the Society girls chocolates after every mission. They know I don’t wanna fuck them. Well, except for Reina, of course.”
“You really never fail to surprise me.”
“Good. I like to keep you on your toes, Kenny. And don’t worry, once I’m back to normal, the guys and I will take you out and get you laid.”
“That is not necessary,” he says through a clenched jaw.
“Oh, I’m ever more sure it is right now than I was a few minutes ago. Your whole body just clenched thinking about it. We need to loosen you up.”
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“If I agree to going out once with you and your friends, will you please stop talking?”
“Sure. I knew you’d come around.”
“Keep telling yourself that if it makes you feel better,” he says with a completely deadpan look on his face.
“You just made a joke. Brilliant, man, abso-fucking-lutely brilliant.”
“I have my moments.”
“Whoa. Another one. You might just have some game, after all.”
“I told you I didn’t need your help.”
“You dirty doctor, you. You’ve been unleashing the beast all this time, while acting like you’ve got a stick up your ass.”
“There has been no unleashing for some time,” he admits, looking a little forlorn. “But that doesn’t mean I don’t know how.”
“Fair enough.”
I hold my hand out for a fist bump, and he rolls his eyes before bumping knuckles. Oh yeah, I’m going to clear things up with Reina, and then have some fun with Kendrick. The plans are all falling into place.
* * *
Reina
I just got word that Matt’s being moved to the Foundation. It’s time for me to call the meeting I need to have, but am dreading more than most anything else I’ve ever had to do. I won’t leave without an explanation this time. I can’t. My friends deserve better than that. I pick up the phone, and call Ainsley.
“This is Ainsley Martin, how may I help you?”
“It’s Reina.”
“A burner phone? Really? Amateur hour, Rei.”
“It’s all I had time to grab before I left.”
“If you had told me you were leaving, I would’ve hooked you up.”
“I’m actually calling because I need a hook-up right now.”
“Sure. Whatcha need?”
“A visitor’s pass for the Foundation please.”
“You’re not a visitor. Use your normal method of entry.”
“I deactivated myself.”
“Duh. And I reactivated everything I could without you being here. We’ll take care of your arm when you come in.”
“Um…I need to talk to everyone. Can you see when they’re free? Alex, too?”
“Just head over. We’ll all drop whatever we’re doing to see you.”
“Thanks. I’ll leave now.”
“See you soon.”
I hang up, grab the handle of my suitcase and take an elevator to the lobby. I smile at the guards before making my way to the underground garage, and my car. Once I’ve loaded up, I take one last look around. The garage isn’t something I thought I’d miss, but for some reason, looking around this space is making me want to cry. I can’t cry right now, though. I need to go talk to my friends, and then see Matt. Those two things are what I have to do in order to move forward with my life. Hopefully, I can survive them both.
I drive to the parking lot, where the guards recognize me and wave me through with a smile. The C&C lobby guards do the same. It makes sense that no one has been told that I’ve resigned yet, but it’s still weird to have everyone greeting me like nothing happened. I make it to the Foundation offices, and Alex comes around to hug me tight.
“Ainsley already told us you were on the way up. Let me just take care of the phones, and lock the door. Then we can go in.”
“Great,” I tell her with more enthusiasm that I really feel.
I’m practically tackled when we walk in. I’d seen everyone in the hospitals, and on the plane, but everyone’s focus had been on Matt, including mine. As I see them all now, the tears start to fall as I realize what I’ve already put them through, and how they dropped everything to come for me. If I thought I could go on living my life the way I have been, I’d stay with them. Deep in my heart, I know that I can’t.
“Don’t cry, Rei. You’re back with us now, and that’s all that matters,” Isa says.
I shake my head. “I’m not back. That’s why I wanted to talk to all of you at once.”
“No. Don’t do this. Matt came for you, and almost died. You have to know how much he loves you. He’s committed to showing you that from now on,” Audrey tells me.
“I believe he loves me, but it isn’t enough. I love all of you, but I need to start living my life for me.”
“Is there any hope of us changing your mind?” Faith asks me.
“No. I’m sorry, but I have to leave.”
“Then lay it on us. What are we going to do without you? I know you have a plan,” Jade says to me.
“I do. I hate to take Jane out of retirement, so the only other option we have is Alex.”
“I can’t,” she says.
“With help, you can. If you weren’t pregnant, Aud, I would ask you to step up. For right now, I think Stella and Tegan can make the decisions, with Alex being the public figure for a little while. I truly believe you could take over for real, Alex, if you immerse yourself into the Society.”
“What about the front desk?”
“I trust you all to find the right person. Or take turns.” They all groan, while I laugh. “I cannot believe we are all so scared of those damn phones.”
“Why are you leaving, this time?” Ellie asks.
“When I was growing up, I only wanted one thing for myself. I wanted to become a nun. That dream was taken from me, and so I just went along with Jane when she offered me the Society. I love this place, and all we’ve done. I love all of you. But I missed out on so much. In college, I studied everything I could that would make me a better spy. I skipped the parties I was invited to, and other than Matt, I skipped out on romance, too.”
“So you want to get drunk, and kiss boys? It’s not a bad plan,” Stella says with a smile.
“Honestly, yes. I want to do those things. I also want to travel, and not for work. I want to just walk down streets, and stop in shops. For fun. I could’ve done all that, I guess, but I never really felt like I could.”
“I never thought of what you were going through. We’ve all taken breaks, and we’ve all gone out and had our fun. Now that I think about it, you never have. You went out with us, and took a few guys home, but thinking back on everything, I think I understand,” Tegan tells me.
“Do you think you’ll ever come back?” Darcy asks.
“Jane has left that door open for me, but how could I do that? I can’t expect you guys to let me just walk back in, and what? Be in charge again?”
“Hell yeah,” Ainsley says.
“I second that, but with a ‘fucking’ added in. So, fucking hell yeah, Rei,” Stella tells me.
“Yep. We’ll all cover for you for as long as it takes. If you decide that you can’t come back, we’ll deal with that then,” Audrey tells me.
“It can be a sabbatical for you. You know, like a year off. Or more, or less. Whatever you need,” Isa says.
Alex nods. “That’s perfect. I want to learn more about the Society, but I have fun being at the front desk, and getting to pretend we’re just a Foundation. It’s my own little secret spy gig.”
“You guys are the best. The best friends a person could ever ask for. I’ll agree to this on one condition. The public needs to think it’s permanent, for two reasons. One, I may not come back. I want you all in my life forever, but I need to figure out if I want the Society there, too. And two, we need everyone to believe that Alex has the power, or they will start to doubt all of you, and try to take advantage. I won’t see the Society destroyed just so I can go off and have some fun.”
“This is about more than you having fun,” Audrey reminds me. “I agree, though. Everyone outside of our circle needs to believe this is real.”
“I can’t lie to Zack,” Ainsley says.
“I don’t expect you to. Tell the men in your lives, but your families, can’t know. It’s not that I don’t trust them, but we can’t take a chance on anything being said by accident. Also, the teams shouldn’t know. We’ve already had one breach, and while I’d like to say it won’t happen again, I’d rather be safe than sorry.�
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“I agree,” Tegan says. “We’re going to make you proud while you’re gone, and live vicariously through all the pics you’re going to send us.”
“You always make me proud. All of you, always. And yes, I’ll send pics.”
“What are you going to do about Matt?” Darcy asks.
I look down at my hands. My friends deserve the truth. “Because he almost died, Aiden gave me a note from Matt. It had an email address and password. He has apparently been writing emails to me for almost twelve years. Things he couldn’t say to me in person, so he wrote them down.”
“That’s so romantic,” Isa says.
“No. It’s bullshit. Why didn’t he just tell you?” Stella asks.
“That’s how I feel. I read so many of the emails, and they made me more and more upset. If he really loved me so much, why couldn’t he trust me with his secrets, and his love? I don’t ever want to see him again.”
“Reina, you don’t mean that,” Ellie says. “Aiden feels bad about the emails, but he thought they would make you happy.”
“Matt thinks that, too. I’m going to go see him when I leave here.”
“It’s going to be bad,” Jade tells me. “From what Nate has said and what Matt told us before we got to Mexico, he really thinks you two can have a future now that he’s ready to stop fighting his feelings.”
“We can’t. And thank you, all of you, for coming for me.”
“Of course we came for you. We’ll always come for you, Reina. Even if you’re not working here. You call us, and we’ll come,” Audrey says.
“I love you all so much.”
They tell me they love me too, and we all cry some more. I know they understand why I have to leave, and I understand why they want to think of it as temporary. None of us want to lose each other, and we won’t. No matter what happens, we’ll be together forever. Unlike Matt and I.
Chapter 10
Reina
I take the elevator down to the hospital wing. Kendrick is waiting for me at the nurse’s station. I know he gets alerts when anyone is accessing his floor, so I’m not surprised to see him.
Loving My SECRET (Corrigan & Co. Book 10) Page 10
