I Hate Everything

I Hate Everything Page 3

by Matthew DiBenedetti

  I hate that my carry-on never fits.

  I hate that my luggage is always last off.

  I hate that there is a first class.

  I hate that coach doesn't have any class.

  I hate that neither do I.

  I hate that I hated school.

  I hate that I want to go back to college.

  I hate that teachers don't get paid more.

  I hate that I don't get paid more.

  I hate that I never discovered dinosaur bones.

  I hate that scary movies keep me up at night.

  I hate that when I pull the covers over my head, I feel safe.

  I hate knowing that is so not true.

  I hate when I run out of dryer sheets.

  I hate that all shirts aren't wrinkle-free.

  I hate starched clothes.

  I hate clotheslines.

  I hate that you can't see them in the dark.

  I hate outdoor motion lights.

  I hate that my dog doesn't bark when someone is at the door.

  I hate that other dogs bark when I walk by their houses.

  I hate that I can't nap more often.

  I hate feeling guilty about having a lazy day.

  I hate that I can't sleep in because there is something that I should be doing.

  I hate being accused that I don't help around the house.

  I hate doing things around the house.

  I hate that TV is so irresistible.

  I hate when someone invents something that I thought of first.

  I hate throwing parties.

  I hate that my parties have gotten a lot smaller.

  I hate when people don't RSVP.

  I hate when people bring uninvited guests.

  I hate when there isn't enough food at a party.

  I hate when people take home what they brought to a party.

  I hate party poopers.

  I hate that more chocolate-glazed donuts don't come in the assortment box.

  I hate fantasy sports leagues.

  I hate that all light switches aren't dimmers.

  I hate when good TV shows go off the air.

  I hate that they ruin good TV shows with nonstop syndication.

  I hate people who make computer viruses.

  I hate that these people don't do something good with their talents.

  I hate that I don't have that talent.

  I hate overanalyzing things.

  I hate concert seating.

  I hate that cell phone screens have replaced lighters at concerts.

  I hate bootleg, poor-quality, concert T-shirts sold in the parking lot.

  I hate that those shirts are too good of a deal to pass up.

  I hate that I feel compelled to buy those overpriced event books.

  I hate that I never look at those books again.

  I hate that everyone doesn't tailgate.

  I hate concert parking.

  I hate when my ears ring after a concert.

  I hate feeling old.

  I hate that you can't sell everything on eBay.

  I hate hoping I get a good eBay rating.

  I hate that I can't seem to make any money on eBay, but I still try.

  I hate paying for intangible services.

  I hate all the hours I personally wasted vacuuming.

  I hate that the Roomba would get my allowance now.

  I hate that when I used to cut the lawn I'd get a lousy couple of bucks.

  I hate that kids now expect $25.

  I hate inflation.

  I hate infatuation.

  I hate that nobody is infatuated with me.

  I hate that I'm infatuated with movie stars.

  I hate that I'm not a movie star.

  I hate that I can't sing.

  I hate that I like to sing.

  I hate people who think they can sing.

  I hate that I don't have a fancy stage name.

  I hate that I never owned a zoot suit.

  I hate that I really don't know what a zoot suit is.

  I hate that I'll never be in a zoot suit riot.

  I hate that I missed the chance to party like it was 1999.

  I hate that they never found the beef.

  I hate overplayed commercials.

  I hate jingles that you can't get out of your head.

  I hate that everybody doesn't know that the bird, bird, bird; the bird is the word.

  I hate that I can be so annoying.

  I hate it when people get on my last nerve.

  I hate that Willy Wonka still freaks me out.

  I hate all the therapy that Oompa Loompas caused kids around the world.

  I hate that I don't have a corner window office in the big city overlooking the park.

  I hate that all jobs aren't like in the movies.

  I hate that I watch way too many movies.

  I hate that I'll never chase a tornado.

  I hate that there is no place like home.

  I hate that I've never followed a yellow brick road.

  I hate that the White House doesn't have more of a clever name.

  I hate color-coded systems.

  I hate when the longest toe isn't the big toe.

  I hate that I never read the magazines I subscribe to.

  I hate that all books don't have pictures.

  I hate when my cell phone battery runs out in the middle of

  I hate that I don't have more time to play video games.

  I hate that I never beat a video game.

  I hate that video game consoles only come with one controller.

  I hate accessories.

  I hate that I can't accessorize.

  I hate that clothing isn't optional.

  I hate tolls.

  I hate that elves don't really bake cookies.

  I hate that all cookies aren't soft and chewy.

  I hate that I don't have magic beans.

  I hate that there is no magic genie inside my lamp.

  I hate that three wishes wouldn't be enough.

  I hate that Humpty Dumpty was foolish enough to sit on a wall.

  I hate that nursery rhymes can be horrific.

  I hate that I'm not in someone's will.

  I hate having to go first.

  I hate coming in last.

  I hate that I'll never be in the Olympics.

  I hate that I thought I would.

  I hate that all takeout food doesn't come in Chinese food containers.

  I hate that every meal doesn't come with a fortune cookie.

  I hate that my lucky number doesn't work for me.

  I hate that I never found a four-leaf clover.

  I hate bad wedding speeches.

  I hate that I don't have my own identity.

  I hate that all diamonds aren't identical.

  I hate that I have flaws.

  I hate that I didn't find the One Ring that will rule them all.

  I hate that I'll never be the Lord of the Ring.

  I hate that I don't know how many lords are a-leaping.

  I hate people who can't keep secrets.

  I hate gossip.

  I hate being the last to know.

  I hate quitters.

  I hate that I don't try harder.

  I hate that what doesn't kill me hasn't made me stronger.

  I hate seeing lovebirds canoodle.

  I hate that nobody canoodles with me.

  I hate when noodles stick together.

  I hate being a stick in the mud.

  I hate that my life is so boring.

  I hate getting too excited.

  I hate that you can spell catsup in more than one way.

  I hate when people put ketchup on everything.

  I hate that more food doesn't come on a stick.

  I hate when my ice cream cone leaks.

  I hate that I can't put rainbow sprinkles on everything.

  I hate that rainbows only come out when it rains.

  I hate tha
t I'm only happy when it rains.

  I hate when songs get stuck in your head.

  I hate when MY iPod plays a song I really don't like.

  I hate that I don't have a good P'P'P'Poker Face.

  I hate that my car doesn't transform into a big robot.

  I hate that the bank drive-through teller stopped giving me lollipops.

  I hate that I'll never be in a boy band.

  I hate that it's no longer cute for me to open a lemonade stand.

  I hate that I don't get sent to my room anymore.

  I hate that yawns are contagious. Yawn….

  I hate that I don't remember all of my dreams.

  I hate that all of my dreams haven't come true.

  I hate that I have recurring dreams about going to school in my underwear.

  I hate tighty-whities.

  I hate running out of staples.

  I hate having to use those awful left-handed scissors.

  I hate that I can't write left-handed.

  I hate coloring between the lines.

  I hate that my mind thinks faster than I can type.

  I hate that adult diapers aren't cool to try.

  I hate that it took so long for thongs to catch on.

  I hate that my theme song doesn't play when I walk around.

  I hate when squirrels eat all the bird food.

  I hate that mosquitoes use the birdbath more than the birds.

  I hate, hate, hate mosquitoes.

  I hate that mosquitoes love, love, love me.

  I hate missing trash day.

  I hate running the trash out at the last minute in my bathrobe.

  I hate that beauty magazines make me feel fat.

  I hate that I never had a pony.

  I hate losing buttons.

  I hate that I never replace lost buttons.

  I hate that baseball caps look silly on me.

  I hate the word cap.

  I hate that eyes don't have a zoom feature.

  I hate that I can't put in contact lenses.

  I hate that laser eye surgery isn't guaranteed.

  I hate that life doesn't have an undo button.

  I hate cold feet.

  I hate movies based on true stories.

  I hate that my life isn't interesting enough to have a movie based on it.

  I hate that too many child stars have tough lives when they grow up.

  I hate parents who put their kids into show business.

  I hate that my parents didn't put me into show business.

  I hate when spoiled rich people complain about their woes.

  I hate that I don't have rich woes to complain about.

  I hate that there isn't always pie ready for dessert.

  I hate that potpies sound better than they taste.

  I hate burning the roof of my mouth.

  I hate that movie theater popcorn smells so good.

  I hate that it's not real butter.

  I hate stepping on scales.

  I hate that all jeans don't make me look good.

  I hate when clothing-store dummy bodies are sexier than mine.

  I hate climbing wobbly, old wooden ladders.

  I hate that everything has a dot-com.

  I hate that all the good dot-coms are taken.

  I hate that dandelions are so pretty, then days later so atrocious.

  I hate that no matter how many you pluck, more keep coming back.

  I hate that my neighbors don't care how many dandelions they have.

  I hate that one person can make a difference.

  I hate that I'm not that person.

  I hate that I don't know that person.

  I hate people who have too many items in the 10-Items-or-Less line.

  I hate self-checkout lines.

  I hate that they still need people to work the self-checkout lines.

  I hate that all movies aren't as good as Braveheart.

  I hate that people no longer carry around swords.

  I hate that we don't hear bagpipes more often.

  I hate musical prodigies.

  I hate that more women don't wear flowers in their hair.

  I hate that every place isn't like Disney World.

  I hate that all mint ice cream isn't green.

  I hate feeling obligated to help old people shovel snow.

  I hate scraping ice from car windows.

  I hate the saying “don't let the bedbugs bite.”

  I hate knowing bedbugs exist.

  I hate when people don't cover their mouths when sneezing.

  I hate when people don't say, “Bless you.”

  I hate clapping chalkboard erasers.

  I hate Japanese beetles.

  I hate New Year's resolutions.

  I hate installing fences.

  I hate that AM radio isn't more popular.

  I hate that it rains the day after I wash my car.

  I hate the classifieds.

  I hate that all snow isn't made for snowballs.

  I hate that snowmen melt.

  I hate that I've never been in a food fight.

  I hate that I've had to clean up after a food fight.

  I hate bad Christmas cookies.

  I hate hollow chocolate Easter bunnies.

  I hate when I run out of trick-or-treat candy …before Halloween.

  I hate that green beer comes only once a year.

  I hate that there aren't other colors of beer.

  I hate toaster oven crumbs.

  I hate cluttered refrigerator doors.

  I hate forgetting about leftovers in the fridge.

  I hate how plastic containers get when you microwave them.

  I hate that you can't microwave metal.

  I hate that I found that out the hard way.

  I hate my alarm clock.

  I hate creepy basements.

  I hate drop ceilings.

  I hate wood paneling.

  I hate living rooms that you aren't allowed to enter.

  I hate that more potatoes don't fit in a five-pound bag.

  I hate how the mind can wander.

  I hate that I don't have any superhero powers.

  I hate customer service.

  I hate automated phone systems.

  I hate hang-up calls.

  I hate cell phone contracts.

  I hate when people drive while talking on the phone.

  I hate seeing people stranded on the side of a road.

  I hate that I don't stop to help them.

  I hate that I never cruised around in a jeep without doors.

  I hate waiting in lines at the gas station.

  I hate that it takes so long to pump gas.

  I hate when lanes merge.

  I hate daytime roadwork.

  I hate rush hour.

  I hate rushing.

  I hate nose hair.

  I hate topiaries.

  I hate weeds.

  I hate that weeds grow faster than the lawn.

  I hate that weeds are considered ugly.

  I hate digging holes.

  I hate dirt under fingernails.

  I hate dry lips.

  I hate bad kissers.

  I hate that nobody has ever told me that I kiss good.

  I hate bad breath.

  I hate not knowing I have bad breath.

  I hate that all pickles aren't crunchy.

  I hate that everything doesn't come with a pickle.

  I hate when you bite into a dill pickle and find out it's sweet.

  I hate that they pickle things other than pickles.

  I hate getting Canadian coins with my change.

  I hate when the ATM is out of money.

  I hate ATM fees.

  I hate owing money.

  I hate wasting gym memberships.

  I hate that working out really isn't working out.

  I hate when gift cards expire.

  I hate getting gift cards as gifts.

  I hate when there
is no thought behind a gift.

  I hate when people re-gift.

  I hate when things go unappreciated.

  I hate complainers.

  I hate not being cool or hot.

  I hate that surfing is so cool, yet so hard.

  I hate that smell from under a cast.

  I hate that my body doesn't heal as quickly anymore.

  I hate that you don't realize this when you're young.

  I hate getting things started.

  I hate that I've never really finished anythi

  I hate having nine hundred TV channels and still nothing to watch.

  I hate that I scroll through the channels twice to make sure.

  I hate when my remote loses its battery cover.

  I hate having to turn on the TV manually.

  I hate when I find the missing battery cover, but can't find my remote.

  I hate using tape to fix things.

  I hate when the tape runs out and I need one more piece.

  I hate when tape sticks together.

  I hate that I have to steal another roll of tape from the office.

  I hate loaning things out.

  I hate asking for things back that I've loaned out.

  I hate that Monopoly money doesn't look more real.

  I hate not being able to pass “Go” or collect $200.

  I hate that all my board games smell like the basement.

  I hate that I don't know how to play an instrument.

  I hate taking the long way home.

  I hate that I fear the reaper.

  I hate that there aren't more commandments.

  I hate that thunder automatically generates fear.

 

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