“Are you all right?” his mother asked when she spotted him.
“For the most part.” He gave her a hug, then embraced Beth. “Were you all right last night?”
She nodded. “June brought pizza for dinner and stayed until almost ten, so I wasn’t alone.”
Relief washed through him. “I’m glad to hear it. Remind me to thank her. Mom, do you think it’d be rude of me if I slipped outside for a little while? I need to get away from all this for a bit.”
“I’m sure everyone will understand.”
He gave both women a hug, then snuck out the front door and around to the pasture beside the corral where he found Remington grazing near the fence along the far side. In the light of the westering sun, the stallion’s satiny coat gleamed with golden highlights. Nick perched on the top rail of the jackleg fence to watch the horse, glancing briefly at the peaks above the ranch. It was a spectacular night, but there was a chill in the air that spoke of the approach of full autumn. It wouldn’t be long now until the leaves on the aspen turned a brilliant yellow—a couple more weeks.
Nick whistled, and Remington lifted his head. With barely a moment’s hesitation, the stud loped across the pasture to him like a loyal dog excited that his master was home. Remington didn’t bother with his usual prancing game of you-can’t-catch-me.
“If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you missed me, Rem,” Nick said, laughing softly as he scratched over the stallion’s eye. “Keep this up and people might think you’re getting soft.”
Remington let out a sigh. Nick knew he was probably stupid in the extreme to even contemplate riding the stallion with his arm just barely out of the sling, especially bareback with no bridle, but he didn’t particularly care tonight. He launched himself onto Remington’s back from his perch on the fence and sat for a moment to see if the bay was in the mood to tolerate being ridden. When Remington showed no signs of displeasure, Nick lightly touched his heels to the horse’s flanks.
The stallion pranced a little, and Nick muttered, “Buck me off, Rem, and I swear I’ll have you castrated. Then you’ll never get to claim those pretty mares you have your eye on.”
Closing his eyes, Nick focused on the feel of the horse beneath him. Remington was wound tight as a wire but responded to his lightest commands with eagerness, and Nick’s lips curved.
“I hear ya, bubba.”
Opening his eyes again, Nick leaned forward and stroked Remington’s strong neck a moment before he curled his fingers around a few strands of the stallion’s black mane and tightened his legs around the horse’s barrel. The stallion shot off across the pasture with long, smooth strides, and Nick clung to him with the ease of a life spent on the back of a horse. He guided the horse with his legs, and Remington obeyed instantly, at one with his rider.
“You really are one hell of a cutting horse, aren’t you, Rem?” he murmured to the stallion. “Worth every penny and then some.”
This is where I belong, he thought as he put Remington through his paces. As long as I have this, I have everything.
A sly, pervasive thought entered his mind, and right now, he was too relaxed—at last—to question it.
If I had this and Beth… then I’d really have everything.
Beth had never seen anything so breathtaking in her life as Nick astride his temperamental stallion. The way Remington responded to him, wanting to please him, was nothing short of magical. She watched them dance across the pasture, first racing at a full-out gallop, then trotting, then spinning around and changing leads on the fly. It didn’t matter how many times she’d seen Nick ride or how well she knew his gift for winning over animals no one else could, she was still awestruck.
He’s beautiful, she thought, admiring how he moved with such enviable and quiet power. It no longer surprised her that he had so easily overpowered Trey.
Sensing she was no longer alone, she looked over her shoulder to see who approached. Nick’s girlfriend was the last person Beth wanted to see right now, but she tried to ignore the simmering irritation as Michelle joined her at the fence. For a while, neither of them spoke, content to watch Nick with a shared but unspoken fondness for him. He was oblivious, too caught up in his dance with Remington to notice that he was no longer alone.
“He’s quite an incredible man, isn’t he?” Michelle asked quietly.
“Yes, he is.”
After that brief exchange, they fell silent again, but Beth squirmed a little, disquieted by whatever remained unsaid. Michelle had something on her mind, and Beth wished she’d just spit it out and leave instead of letting scenario after torturous scenario slither through her mind. She tried to analyze her brief exchange with Nick twenty minutes ago. He’d hugged her and seemed glad that she’d been okay last night without him, but he’d also been a little distant. At first, she’d thought he was just tired—understandably so—but now she wondered if he hadn’t decided to put a little distance between them. Not that she could blame him. She wouldn’t want to be around her, either, after spending a night in jail because she was too afraid to do what needed to be done.
“Would you do me a favor?” Michelle inquired, abruptly interrupting Beth’s troublesome musings.
Beth glanced at her, frowning. “Um, sure.”
“Hold on to him and don’t ever take him for granted.”
Confusion eradicated every other thought. She studied Michelle’s beautiful face for a long time, expecting the other woman to elaborate, but Michelle’s gaze remained on Nick, almost as if she were avoiding explaining. Hold on to him? Don’t take him for granted? What did that mean? The statement so sharply contrasted the thoughts she had, only seconds ago, been pondering that she couldn’t decide what Michelle was getting at. Finally, she had to ask for clarification.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “I don’t understand what you mean.”
Michelle’s lips curved, but her eyes were sad as she continued to watch Nick. “He’s yours now. As it should be.” Finally, she met Beth’s gaze. “We broke up.”
That was definitely not what she’d expected Michelle to say, although perhaps she shouldn’t be so surprised, considering what June had pointed out about Michelle and Nick hitting a few bumps. Still, a few minor bumps was nothing to break up over, so why had they?
“I-I’m sorry,” Beth stammered.
“Don’t be,” Michelle was saying. “I’m not sure I ever had a chance of keeping him because I think there’s always been something more between you than either of you were willing to admit, and you were bound to realize it someday. I suppose I’m glad I figured it out now instead of later when it would be a lot harder to let him go.”
Beth stared at her. “You’re okay with letting him go?”
“I’m not saying I’m happy about it or that I won’t miss him or wonder what might have been, but I care for him enough that it hurts me to see him struggle with his duty to me and his loyalty to you. Besides, as good as we might be together, I know there is someone even better for him. You.”
Michelle’s words finally sank in to Beth’s sluggish brain, but instead of the gleeful exultation she thought she should feel, Beth felt only a trickle of anticipation amidst the deluge of remorse. The very words that removed the source of Beth’s envy also confirmed why Michelle was a better match for Nick. She was as selfless as she was beautiful, and far more deserving of him than Beth. Maybe the real reason she refused to report the rape was that it was true she had somehow driven Trey to do it. He and his family would certainly try to prove she had. Even if she hadn’t, could she have done more to prevent it or stop it?
“I’m not good for him. I’m ruining his life. First his shoulder, then jail, and now the two of you have broken up because of me. I’m poison to him.”
Nauseated, she rested her forehead on the top rail of the jackleg fence and tried to take a few deep breaths, but they came in too fast and too shallow as shame and panic set in.
“Hey,” Michelle said gently. “You are not poison to
him. You’re his best friend, and none of this is your fault. It just is what it is.”
“It’s not that…. It’s everything. There’s no guarantee that he’ll even want me. And what if I can’t commit to him or what if I am confusing gratitude for everything he’s done for me with something else? You two could’ve been so happy together, but I’ve ruined your relationship with him, and I don’t even know if—”
“Beth. Stop trying to take the blame for this. Some things just aren’t meant to be… and some things are.”
Beth shook her head.
“Besides, I fully plan to keep him as a friend, so I’ll still have a part of him.” Michelle laughed softly. “Just please don’t hate me for that because I’m sure it’ll take some time for us all to adjust.”
“You talk like this is a done deal, that he and I are going to be together.”
“Aren’t you? It’s what you both want.”
“I don’t know that. After Trey…. Everything is so messed up, and I can’t be sure if what either of us feels is real or just a product of what happened.”
“Well, you’ll have the chance to figure it out now without me standing in the way.” Michelle searched her face for a long time. At last, she said, “I’m sorry for whatever happened, but maybe out of all this pain will come something beautiful.”
“How?”
“I don’t know, Beth. That’s something you and he will have to figure out yourselves. Anyhow, Tracie said dessert would be on the table in a few minutes, so I’m going to head in. Have fun.”
Beth watched over her shoulder as Michelle headed back inside, utterly dumbstruck by their conversation. The only thing that stuck in her brain was the part about Michelle and Nick breaking up, and that just made her hate herself. Somewhere in a far corner of her mind, she appreciated Michelle trying to reassure her, and on some level, she understood that Nick’s now ex-girlfriend was a rare and incredible jewel to be able to give up a man she obviously still wanted because she believed he’d be happier with someone else… and to be able to offer words of comfort and reassurance to that other woman.
Overwhelmed, Beth again dropped her head to the log rail and wrapped her arms around her head, knitting her fingers tightly together. She knew she had two choices. One, she could continue to wallow in self-pity, hating herself for the rest of her life, or two, she could take this chance with Nick and make herself worthy of it by finding the strength he was so certain she possessed.
She felt more than heard the soft thuds of a horse approaching. A soft huff of warm, moist air brushed across the back of her exposed neck, and she lifted her head to find the bay stallion’s nose inches from her face. Remington pushed against her cheek with his velvety nose and took another step closer to the fence until he stood almost above her. His ears swiveled back to catch Nick’s whispered words, then forward as if he expected Beth to speak. The sweet scent of hay clung to him as closely as the more pungent but not unpleasant smell of horse sweat, and Beth inhaled deeply, soothed by that familiar aroma. Without thought to Remington’s volatile reputation, she stroked his damp neck.
“Hey, are you all right?” Nick asked, sliding off the stallion’s back.
The distance she’d seen in his eyes earlier was gone, replaced by a tender concern that made her knees wobble a little. When he took her face in his hands and brushed his thumbs across her cheeks, she was glad she had the fence to hold on to.
“I like that,” she murmured, closing her eyes. “Both hands again, instead of one.”
“What were you and Michelle talking about?” he asked.
“You.”
“Did she tell you we broke up?”
Beth nodded. “I’m so, so sorry, Nick. I keep screwing up your life.”
“You’re not screwing it up. Besides, I’m pretty sure I’ve said—more than once—no more apologizing. Remember? This is not your fault, Beth.”
“But you wouldn’t have spent last night in jail or broken up with Michelle if I had just reported the rape like you wanted me to.”
He leaned over the fence and hugged her. Long after she expected him to let go, he continued to hold her, and slowly, she felt the self-loathing slip away.
“I wanted you to do it because I thought it would help you gain some control over what happened.” Nick shook his head, pausing to gather his thoughts. “I still think it would help you, but I had plenty of time to think about all that last night, and I don’t know if it’s a good idea if this is how Trey and his family want to handle the situation. They’ll try to make it look like you asked for it, that it was consensual, and Trey has already put you through enough. I couldn’t watch him and his family drag you through that, too.”
“But if I don’t report it, the assault charge will stand, and you might end up with a fine, at least, and possibly more jail time.”
“I’ve accepted that, Beth. I’d rather pay the five-hundred-dollar fine and spend the full six months in jail than have the Holts go after you.”
She pulled away and studied him. Exhaustion and strain etched lines into his face that made him look older than twenty-one and buried the perpetual contentment that usually graced his features.
“Are you sure you are all right?” she asked.
“Yeah. I’m just tired and wishing I had kicked Trey’s ass a little more thoroughly. At least then I might actually deserve the assault charge.”
“I’m glad you didn’t,” Beth said. “Not because he didn’t deserve it but because you’re better than that. I don’t want him to bring you down to his level.”
He beckoned her over to his side of the fence, and after she’d climbed over, he wrapped her in his arms again and sighed. She rested her head against his chest and closed her eyes, smiling as she listened to the beat of his heart. Right here, right now, she believed she could report the rape, face everything Trey and his parents could throw at her, and put an end to this tangled mess. Maybe it should surprise her, but Nick had always made her feel like she could accomplish anything.
“Why do I feel like this is where you belong?” he asked. “Right here, in my arms.”
“I want it to be where I belong,” Beth murmured. “Do you really think there’s something more than friendship between us, like Michelle said?”
“I do. I don’t know what or if it’ll last, but there’s definitely something there.”
“And what if we’re wrong and it’s just the rape and everything that’s happened since playing with us and making us think—”
“Beth.”
She lifted her face to look up at him. Clasping her face in his hands again, he kissed each cheek with utter tenderness, then brushed a thumb across her lips. For one exhilarating moment, she thought he might kiss her, but he kissed her brow instead. Her shoulders drooped.
“Disappointed?” he asked.
“I am,” she replied, shocked. It was a test, she realized, to prove to them both that this new—or newly recognized—thing between them wasn’t simply a product of their circumstances. It also had the side effect of showing her that Trey had not entirely ruined her desire to touch and be touched. “What do we do now?”
“We let nature take its course and let things happen as they will. It might not feel like it right at this second, but you have been hurt in ways I don’t think you’ve fully recognized yet. I want to make damned sure you can trust me.”
“I always have, Nick, and I still do. That’s one thing that hasn’t changed, one thing Trey can’t take away from me.”
“There’s another consideration, too. Out of respect for Michelle, I can’t just move on like we were never together.”
“I agree. She’s an amazing woman.”
“So are you.”
Remington, who had been standing patiently by, pushed his entire head against Beth’s arm, then nudged Nick with his nose. When they laughed at his antics but otherwise ignored him, he did it again.
“He likes you,” Nick remarked with a tender fondness in his voice, scratc
hing under the stallion’s jaw.
“Seems like he’s a bigger sweetheart than he wants anyone to know,” she replied. “Aren’t you, Remington? Such a handsome boy.”
“Want to ride him?”
She did, but she didn’t know if she was stable enough to handle the notoriously temperamental stallion right at this moment. Still… how wonderful would it be to enjoy his smooth gates and indulge in the incredible freedom she’d only ever found on the back of a horse? Biting her lip to rein in her smile, she glanced at Nick.
“He’ll be a perfect gentleman with you,” he assured her. His lips curved in response to her failed attempt to contain her eagerness. “Won’t you, Rem?”
The horse tossed his head and snorted. Nick made a cradle with his hands to give Beth a leg up, and she hesitated.
“Is that a good idea with your shoulder?”
“It’ll be fine. Come on.”
First she tested Remington’s mood by taking a fistful of his mane and laying her other palm against his back. The stallion craned his head around as if to say, What’s taking so long? Finally, she put her booted foot in Nick’s hands and swung her leg over Remington’s back as he lifted her.
“He’s even taller from up here,” she remarked, sliding forward until she sat nearly over his shoulders. For a moment, she leaned forward, resting against him and stroking his neck. She briefly closed her eyes to concentrate on the deep huffs of his breath and the feel of him beneath her as he shifted his weight. This is heaven right here, she thought. Opening her eyes again and siting up, she looked at Nick. “Remind me. How tall is he?”
“Sixteen hands. Take him for a ride.”
She directed the horse toward the far corner of the pasture, thrilled by his graceful gaits. Her family had some great horses, but Remington put them all to shame. He was a magnificent animal and a genuine pleasure to ride, and her worries drifted away on the wind as they loped around the pasture. With the sun nearly touching the western ridges, she guided Remington back to where Nick waited patiently for them.
First Instinct Page 17
