After all, the people who loved her—who really knew her—realized she was guiltless of Gordon's accusations.
She glanced down at the bank draft and a distasteful sensation filled her. No, the money was not worth the humiliation and pain the people she loved would experience as a result of this book. Her family was much more important than punishing a man who would never change.
Even Connor. How could she humiliate him with the knowledge in this volume? No matter how insensitive he could be, she was not interested in hurting him. She couldn't convince her wayward heart to hate him, regardless of what he'd done.
The manuscript lay downstairs in the parlor. She would destroy the venomous work as soon as possible and return the advance money. Her child deserved a chance in this world, and though her son or daughter would not live as a pampered darling of society, the meager inheritance she had received from her Aunt Matilda would have to sustain them.
Somehow she would survive. Somehow she would survive the loss of her relationship with Connor.
Though their time together had been rocky, there had been moments of sheer happiness, times when she had realized this was the way life was supposed to be.
Though he had told her some lies, his innate goodness had allowed their marriage to be the best relationship of her life. Connor had attended to the things that were important to her. It was ironic that he had been with her as a husband and lover while betraying her more powerfully than anyone else.
She sighed. She couldn't live with him, but she didn't want to live without him. Nor was she ready to forgive him either. So, how could she still love him after everything he'd done?
***
Connor rode into the yard of Summerwood and pulled his black stallion to a halt in front of the house. Throwing his leg over the saddle, he dismounted, anxious butterflies filling his stomach. He tucked the manuscript under his arm.
The auction of River Bend was only two days away, and he felt the need to get his life in order, to somehow apologize for what he'd done. To clear his slate once and for all of the negatives. Yet after their last meeting, he was nervous about stepping into the LaRoux parlor. The bruises of that encounter were just beginning to fade. It wasn't the physical bruises he feared, but that she would reject his sincere attempt at an apology.
He entered the side gate of the terrace, hoping to find a rose to take to his wife, when the sight of her sitting on a chair on the patio nearly took his breath away.
She wore a morning gown of light blue gingham. The color reminded him of a clear morning sky. How he'd missed her the last few weeks. Missed her sunny smile, gentle touch, and quiet sense of humor. He didn't deserve her. But how was he going to live without her?
"Hello," he said nervously, stepping out onto the cobblestone patio. A parasol shielded her delicate skin from the late morning sun as she held a book in one hand.
Startled, she glanced up.
"Good morning," she said faintly, her voice reserved, as she lowered the tome to her lap, her eyes wide in surprise.
"How are you feeling?" he asked.
She gazed at him, her eyes the color of a frosttinged blade of grass. "I'm fine."
Connor noted the way the sun's warm rays burnished her hair with a goldenred light. "Have you been resting?"
Alexandra returned her attention to the book in her lap. Finally, after what seemed like forever, she replied, "Yes."
"How is your aunt?"
Flipping through the pages, she quietly replied, "Well, considering her loss."
She appeared to be trying her best to pretend he wasn't there, and the conversation was going nowhere. This was not working out as he'd planned.
"I guess you're wondering why I came by today," he said as he paced the patio.
"No," she said without a glance in his direction. Her lips moved silently as if she were reading.
Stopping in front of her, he cleared his throat nervously. "I owe you an apology." The next words stuck in his throat. "I took The Banker's Perfidy with me the other day when I came to see you. I read it."
With a gasp, the book she had been reading slid from her lap. "You took my manuscript and read it?"
Alexandra jumped to her feet, snapping her parasol closed. Slipping behind the chair, she faced him, consternation on her face.
"Yes." He paused and glanced down before meeting her gaze once more. "I know everything."
"Oh, my," she said, taking a step backward. Her eyes seemed to grow larger.
"I can't blame you for being angry at me. I can't blame you for wanting to get even with Gordon. We both treated you badly." He swallowed, stalling for time, searching for the right words. "I hate the fact that I have put myself in the same realm as that bastard."
Her hand came to her lips as if to cover them. "You know what Gordon did to me?"
He longed to take her in his arms and kiss away the pain and hurt, kiss away her sadness until he had healed her. "I don't know how you stood being married to him for so long."
Connor ran his hands through his hair, aching to put his arms around her. To comfort her, love her, for the rest of his life. "If I thought it would do any good, I would call the man out and gladly put a hole through his heart. You were an innocent young girl put in the clutches of a depraved man."
"But I didn't have to seek revenge. I didn't have to tell the world what he'd done to your wife," she responded.
"You have nothing to be ashamed of."
"But the book will draw attention ..."
"It's your book. It's your choice what to do with this story. Gordon will never recover socially, if that's what you hope to accomplish." He paused and took a deep breath. "But I worry what it will do to you. I don't care what people think—but I do care about you."
"I know," she whispered.
"Is that what you really want? To always be connected to his wickedness and depravity?"
It didn't matter how she answered. Somehow, the ramifications of this book had ceased to matter. He only wanted Alexandra to become his wife in every sense again and to give him the chance to make up to her his own terrible sins every day for the rest of their fives. Yet he knew the choice was hers and hers alone.
She whirled around, her back facing him, her head bowed. "Once, I only lived for revenge. Now things are different."
Connor moved closer to her. He ached to put his arms around her and comfort her, but resisted. "I want you to know I take full responsibility for my actions in our marriage. I was wrong in what I did to you, and I'm determined to own up to what I've done."
He clenched his fists, trying to find the right words that would show her the depth of his emotions. "I was completely out of line in making the bet with William, and worse, the deal with your father."
Taking a deep breath, he tried to control the rapid beat of his heart, squelch the feeling that everything was at stake. "I would never give away our children to your father or anyone else, for any amount of money. That was never part of the deal."
Connor paused, waiting, but she didn't say anything.
"I realize I ruined our chances at happiness, just like I betrayed my best friend with Georgiana."
He wanted to hold her, touch her. His hand reached towards her before he caught himself. "I don't deserve you. Nor do I expect anything. But I want you to know that sometime during our months together, I fell in love with you."
She gasped and turned to face him, a look of disbelief on her features.
"I fell in love with your caring nature, your soft laughter, your passion for life. Even your strong, determined ways. I'm no longer the wild rake who refused to take life seriously, but I've become a man who wants to save his family, to love only his wife."
Staring into her soft green eyes, he felt that he was handing her his heart.
"For the first time in my life, I've fallen deeply in love. With you, my wife, my only love."
Her hands were clutched in an almost prayerful position. She stared at him, and her jaw dropped. Why didn't she say somet
hing? Why didn't she either offer forgiveness or tell him to ride back to River Bend or straight into hell?
She shook her head as if to say no, and Connor felt his heart break.
Unable to stand the strained silence any longer, he handed the manuscript back to her. "Here's your book."
She took the loose pages and clutched them to her chest. Staring down at them, she sighed as if she were relieved they were back in her possession.
Nervous, he stuck his hands in his pockets. "I appreciate you taking the time to listen to me. I'm sorry, Alexandra. I'll disturb you no longer."
Anxious to get away as quickly as possible, he crossed the terrace, going through a side gate that led to the stables, his heart shattered within.
Chapter Twenty
Alexandra sank to the chaise longue, the manuscript in her hand pressed tightly to her chest, her mind in complete turmoil. She stared at the swinging garden gate through which Connor had just walked. Was he the same man who had flirted outrageously with her at the Rutherfords' ball so many months ago?
The crunch of paper made her realize The Banker's Perfidy was still clutched in her arms. She'd put the book out of her mind once she had decided not to mail it to her publisher. She'd forgotten about leaving it in the parlor for anyone to find.
Connor now knew everything about her life with Gordon. All the dirty details of her marriage to her exhusband were no longer a secret, and even with that knowledge, Connor still claimed he loved her. He had even told her it was her decision whether to publish the book, though it would deeply affect him and his family.
She stood and started to pace the length of the terrace, the breeze teasing wisps of hair around her face, her mind churning with troubled thoughts.
Was this just another feeble attempt at an apology before he returned to his usual conniving ways, or was he sincere this time?
He had been adamant in his denial about selling their child to her father, so determined in his manner that it was hard not to believe he truly had not understood the ugliness her father had intended. Somehow, she was tempted to believe him about this, especially when she considered his feelings for Suzanne and that he had raised her from childhood. Connor seemed more the doting father type, rather than someone who would bargain away their child.
But what about the rest of his impassioned speech? Had he really changed? Did he really, truly love her?
His greatest sin had been set in motion months ago.
The neigh of a horse reminded her of Fancy, the mare Connor had given her. Memories of their months together came flooding back. The tea she had given for Suzanne, and how Connor had wiped away her tears when she'd been hurt that no one would have attended. The night of the opera, where he had treated her like a beloved wife, turning down a liaison with his previous paramour. The day Uncle Sydney had died and he'd taken care of her in her grief, along with the arrangements.
Through it all, Connor had been with her as a husband and a lover while betraying her more powerfully than anyone else. He'd lied to her about so many things, yet conversely their marriage had given her the best moments of her life.
Still, it was hard to forget the devious things he'd done. Certainly he had acted like a cad those first few meetings, betting with William to seduce her, compromising her to force her to marry him. But he'd committed those acts months ago. Even the arrangement with her father had been made long before.
Yet she couldn't help but wonder why he wanted the money from her father. Was he just greedy?
Now he proclaimed he loved her, but the knowledge that he possessed money gained from impregnating her held her back from returning to River Bend. Once she returned, she would never be able to leave, and the thought of being under her husband and father's rule once more kept her from returning Connor's love.
Yes, Connor had changed from the man she first married. And maybe she was the stupidest female alive, because even if he was still the cad who had tricked her into marriage, she loved him.
She just couldn't trust him to place their love above all else. Until he did, she couldn't go back to him.
***
Two mornings later a knock sounded on the door to her bedroom, interrupting Alexandra's breakfast.
"Yes?" she called.
Betsy opened the door. "Your aunt requests that you accompany her into town."
"Charleston?"
"Yes, ma'am."
She shrugged."Give me ten minutes and I'll be ready."
After changing into a day dress of soft black muslin, Alexandra hurried down the stairs and through the house to find Aunt Clara waiting for her in the foyer.
Considering it had been barely a month since Aunt Clara had lost her husband, she was doing remarkably well. But her eyes still held a haunted look about them, and her face seemed to have aged.
Aunt Clara smiled faintly and turned her cheek for Alexandra's kiss. "You're looking quite fit for a mother tobe."
Alexandra grazed her aunt's withered skin with her lips. "Other than being tired and a little nauseous, I don't feel much different."
Taking her aunt's arm, Alexandra led her through the front door to the waiting carriage. She helped Aunt Clara into the buggy, then took a seat across from her.
Aunt Clara rapped on the carriage roof, and with a small lurch, they were on their way. "I feel a hundred and twenty."
"Well, you certainly don't look that old. More like a young girl of forty."
Her aunt glanced at her, a wideeyed look of disbelief on her face. "Forty was many years ago, and I know better, child. I look every day of seventy and feel much older."
Alexandra laughed at her aunt.
"By the way, we' re going to see your uncle's solicitor." She sighed, her eyes misting with tears. "I can't help but miss dear Sydney."
"I know you do."
"Death is such a dreadful experience. Mr. Wharton has been out twice already concerning the will, and we must meet with him again today to sign the final paperwork."
"Is everything in order?" Alexandra questioned.
Aunt Clara nodded. "Everything's fine. Your Uncle Sydney was tighter with money than a fat woman's corset. Do you know we actually had three times the amount of money that he told me?"
Alexandra smiled. "That sounds like him."
"Sometime in the next few weeks, after my initial mourning period is over, I'm going to go into town and show Sydney I can buy those new curtains for the dining room after all." Her voice quivered. "But I'd give anything if he were still here to fuss at me."
"I know." Alexandra patted her hand. "Aunt Clara, Uncle Sydney will never know you bought those curtains."
Her aunt raised her brows. "Now, We don't know that for certain, child, and I'm going to buy them just in case. It's my own form of protest for him leaving me here all alone."
They rode in silence for several minutes, the carriage bouncing them along the road. Her aunt glanced at her. "Connor stopped by to see me several days ago. It was sweet of him to check on me."
Alexandra sat back against the seat stunned. "Really? Connor paid you a visit?"
"Yes, he did. So when were you going to tell me about this latest manipulation by your father? When were you going to tell me you'd moved in permanently?"
"It's not forever. Just until I decide what I want to do. You've been so upset lately. I didn't see the need to disturb you further with the news that my marriage has faltered. Or that my husband has been totally despicable,'' Alexandra acknowledged.
"Frankly, I think your father is the one to blame for this fiasco. Though I told Connor his actions were deplorable too," Aunt Clara vowed.
The memory of Connor standing in the garden, handing her The Banker's Perfidy, came to mind, along with a sweet ache. "Both of them are contemptible. But especially Connor for agreeing to impregnate me for money."
Her aunt chuckled."Detestable. Now I understand what happened to some of my knickknacks in the parlor. The servants said the two of you had quite a row." She sighed. "You
must understand, dear, men have married women for money since the beginning of time. It's hardly a crime. Your husband was just a tad bit more creative."
"I'm truly sorry about your pretties, Aunt Clara. Actually, that argument was about Connor deliberately compromising me in order to marry me."
Her aunt chuckled. "Why are you surprised?"
"I don't know, but I didn't want to get remarried. He was deceitful on top of everything else."
Aunt Clara shrugged her shoulders and glanced out the window of the moving carriage. "There is something you need to know, Alexandra."
The tone of her aunt's voice filled Alexandra with apprehension. Clara turned from the window and gazed at Alexandra.
"I received a telegram from your father this morning you might find interesting. Did you know Connor refused the money your father paid him?"
A buzzing noise roared through her ears. Blood rushed through Alexandra's veins, making her feel faint.
"What?'' Connor had returned the money? Why would he refuse the funds when obviously he had achieved his goal of getting her with child?
"He returned the bank draft to your father," Aunt Clara confirmed, then laughed. "Surprised the old bastard."
The carriage hit a rut in the road, and Alexandra held on to the seat for support. Did he return the money because he really loved her, just as he said?
No. It seemed impossible! It must be some kind of new game he was playing.
"The man is a puzzle. Why would he return the money?" she asked, speaking her thoughts aloud.
"Connor told James he would not accept money for getting you with child."
Alexandra shrugged, yet her heart beat faster. "That still doesn't make up for the agreement he made with my father."
Aunt Clara stared out the window as they entered town. "Perhaps not, but it's a start."
Raising her brows, Alexandra said, "You're much too forgiving, Aunt Clara."
The older woman shrugged. "I'm curious about why he agreed to this deal with your father. What did he need the money for? And why did he suddenly return it, unless he thought to win you back?"
Alexandra clenched her fists together in her lap. "He came by yesterday and professed that he loves me and realizes that he mistreated me. He said I'd made him into a family man."
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