by Gwen Allen
Nina tells me about her ambition never to fly on a commercial flight. It's good to have goals, I guess. This girl is phoning it in and I'm tuning her out. In that way, we're a perfect match.
As dinner winds down, Dad and Maryanne give up trying to set me up with her. That's wise of them. It makes the rest of the evening a little more tolerable. After dinner and drinks, we all walk Nina and her dad out.
Nina and I are already in the foyer, but the others are hanging back looking at something on Wainwright's phone. Then Dad gets a phone call and excuses himself. The other two are still hanging back, holding up the procession. This night is never going to end.
Looking bored as we wait for her dad, Nina notices a framed photo on a side table in the foyer. It's Maryanne and Julie with their arms around each other, wearing big smiles with the café in the background.
"This must be the stepsister," Nina says.
I confirm it but make sure not to stare at the picture too long. "Yeah. That's Julie."
"She doesn't look like her mother at all. Poor Julie missed out, but she has potential. I can introduce her to my stylist. Rodrigo loves an unpolished gem. He can fix her up."
"And when is he going to fix you?" I ask her while looking her up and down with contempt.
She grimaces at me. "Excuse me?!"
"I don't mean fix you like you're a dog. But maybe he can make you look less like a leathery, chew toy."
"You're disgusting!" Nina shouts and swings the front door open.
Out of the corner of my eye, I can see Wainwright and Maryanne approaching, but I don't bother with them. I just keep glaring at Nina as she storms out. Her father follows more slowly while scowling at me.
"What was that?" Maryanne asks me. "Were you being rude to that girl? Oh, for God's sake." She gets exasperated and turns to shake her head at Dad as he comes to join us.
"What's wrong, honey?" Dad asks her but I answer.
"Nina was being a bitch."
Maryanne jumps in to lecture me. "She is a guest."
"What's going on?" Dad asks.
"Nina got furious and left," Maryanne tells him. "Vince said something to her. You might need to call Don to mend some fences."
"You know we do business with the man. What were you thinking?" Dad says and pulls out his phone. "He isn't answering. I'll try later."
"This doesn't involve him, and Nina will get over it," I say to Dad.
"I feel bad for her. She looked so upset," Maryanne says to him.
She wouldn't be so sympathetic if she heard what Nina said. But I'm sure as hell not going to mention it and make it sound like I jumped to Julie's defense.
Maryanne doesn't let it go though. She turns to me with another lecture on manners. "You should be the one calling Nina to apologize. I can't believe we thought you two might hit it off. I mean, we left you alone for all of two minutes." She just doesn't know how to leave well enough alone.
"Ever think you might be barking up the wrong tree trying to set me up with that skinny, empty-headed blonde. Look closer to home, Maryanne. I like more curves, soft golden brown curls, hazel eyes. Sound like anyone you know?"
"Vince!" my dad warns me while Maryanne just blinks at me, refusing to make the connection. Then she shakes her head. "I won't have you talking about my daughter like that," Maryanne tells me.
"I'm just showing my appreciation," I say evenly and my dad calls my name again in warning.
Maryanne draws back from me then looks at my father. She doesn't know what to think. She and Dad don't ask any questions. They don't want to know. Maybe they'll just dismiss what I said as an attempt at provocation, nothing more.
"I think you need to go now," Dad tells me.
Hearing that, I swallow hard. It stings to be kicked out of what I consider my home. I guess Dad doesn't think of it as my home though my mother still haunts every inch of this place. He thinks I have no right to be here.
No. I'm not ready to leave yet. I smile at him bitterly. "Is the party over already? I haven't even gotten started telling Maryanne anything good. I'm sure she wants to know how far I got with her precious daughter. Or how many times? Or where? Upstairs, out in the back..."
"Get out, Vincent!" Dad says while Maryanne looks like she might be hyperventilating.
Now I remember that she's pregnant and I leave. I'm sure she's Ok. Dad will take care of her. She'll be fine. As for Julie...
Getting into my car, I get out my phone and dial Julie's number. I need to warn her. I don't know what I'm going to say.
It doesn't matter since she doesn't pick up. I don't bother with a message just get ready to text her. At first I can't form any words. What should I tell her? That I fucked up?
I pull myself together and start typing. "I told our parents about us." Send.
I know I should say more, but I don't know what. I'm not groveling. I'm not begging for anyone's forgiveness.
I spilled it just to spite them, both of them. I've done too much damage. Julie will never forgive me. Just as well. I'm so done with this mess, so I just drive away.
Chapter 21
~
Julie
It's been a busy day. I had a special lecture first thing in the morning and a paper to finish. A shelf collapsed at the café and I had to clean up some broken jars and make a list of what to reorder. There was a little dinner party at the house that I had to skip like my life depended on it. There is no way I could sit there while Mom and Curtis tried to set up Vince with some socialite who just came back from cruising the Mediterranean on a friend's yacht.
Oh, and a pregnancy test I took was positive, so I peed on a few more sticks and cried in the bathroom for about two hours.
Now I'm heading home. That dinner party has to be over by now. A little earlier, I got a phone call from Vince. My first one. Isn't that special?
I didn't answer. I can't hear his voice and not burst into tears. I barely managed to make myself stop crying as it is. There is a text too, but I don't look at it. Before I get home, I need to put on a brave front and act normal. My mom will notice that something is off, but I'll make some excuse. Once I'm up in my room, I can let myself cry my eyes out.
I pull into the driveway and just sit in the Jeep for a while. I wish my dad was here. No, I can't think about that or I'll start crying for sure. As I get out of the car, I notice that a lot more lights are on inside the house that I would expect this late.
If that dinner party isn't over, I'm not even saying hi to anybody. I'm just going straight upstairs. I can't face anyone. I was even hoping my mom was already in bed.
Going in, I stay quiet in case I have to sneak upstairs. Passing by the sitting room that Mom and Curtis like to use in the evenings, I hear voices. To my relief, it's only Curtis and my mom so I decide to go and say goodnight to them before going up.
"I should have taken him to therapy instead, but my guilt got the better of me," Curtis is saying, but when he sees me at the door, he goes silent. After giving me a pained smile, he leaves me alone with my mom.
"Is everything Ok?" I ask her. Mom looks fine physically, maybe a little pale. "Are you feeling alright?"
"I'm fine. Can I talk to you?" she says and motions me to sit down next to her on the sofa.
"Sure," I say as I go over, but she's making me nervous. She looks so apprehensive, like she doesn't know how to start.
I wonder what's the matter. Things have been pretty quiet these past few weeks. Vince has stayed away. That was just as well since I don't trust him to behave himself. But he was here tonight and obviously something went wrong. If he was the one who upset Mom, I'm going to wring his neck.
"The baby is Ok, right?" I ask to make absolutely sure.
"Yes, honey. It's something else." Mom takes a few deep breaths then she comes out with it. "Is something going on between you and Vince?"
She barely gets the words out, saying them in a tight voice while her fists clench in her lap. As for me, I can't speak at all. This can't be happe
ning. I'm horrified, but I can't lie. I have to tell her the truth.
"We had sex a few times," I say to my mom and watch her close her eyes and hang her head. "I'm so sorry, Mom. Please don't get upset. Please," I beg her.
"How can I not get upset?" she asks.
"Try. For the baby. Please," I tell her, but I dare not tell her about my baby and Vince's. I can't. What I already had to tell her is bad enough.
"How did this happen?" she asks me, but she doesn't wait for my answer. She moves on to another question that's even more difficult to answer. "Do you have feelings for him? Is that why...?"
"I'm not sure. It's complicated," I say while keeping my eyes down.
I can't explain what I feel. If I let the word love slip out, I'll start crying and never stop. This is bad enough without me falling apart. I have to think of Mom and her baby so I can't say too much.
"Mom, you look tired. You should go to bed," I say to her and take her hand in mine. Her hand is still then she gives me a little squeeze before she gets up. As she stands up, she looks at me. Her eyes are kind but troubled, and I see something I've never seen in them before—disappointment.
Two days later, the Jeep is packed with the stuff from my bedroom at the Henderson house. I'm moving back into the room above the café. That seems more like home to me than this place anyway.
Mom doesn't want me to go, but I've made my decision. Staying in this house is out of the question now. I just don't feel welcome here any more.
I can't take how both my mom and Curtis look at me since they found out about me and Vince. The looks they give me don't last long. Their eyes are pained as they meet mine then they turn away. That's what I hate the most, that they can't look at me, but I don't really blame them.
I've disappointed my mom so badly. I know I've lost her respect, and it kills me. She'll never look at me the same way again, and she doesn't even know all of it. I don't know how I'll bring myself to tell her that I'm pregnant with Vince's baby.
I can't imagine that either she or Curtis will be happy about being grandparents. Eventually they'll come around, I hope. For now, I keep it to myself. I won't tell Mom that I'm pregnant until she's further along in her own pregnancy. She's been under enough stress.
I can't tell Vince either. I wonder if the baby will have blue eyes like him. Will he or she be tall? Will Vince ever want to have anything to do with this baby? I can't even begin to imagine how he might react. And he hasn't been around anyway.
Before I go to take my stuff to the café, I'm taking a stroll through the grounds. It's peaceful here. Of course I have to visit the wild rose garden. Its scent envelops me and I close my eyes remembering how Vince and I danced here. His arms around me were steely strong and I felt so warm and tingly in his embrace.
Standing in the garden, trying to shake off the remembered feelings, I look up at the sky. Patches of bright blue and dark gray alternate, like the sky couldn't make up its mind. Behind me is the towering facade of the Henderson mansion, a place where I never belonged. This is my past now. I just wish I knew what the future had in store for me and my baby.
Ready to leave, I head toward the front of the house. I pass the spot where Vince fucked me against the tree. I was so eager to give myself to him. All he had to do was look at me, and I would go as boneless as a jellyfish.
Further on is the place where he had me on the night of the party. That was my first time, and I relived it every night afterward along with every time he touched me or spoke in my ear. From that first time, every tenderness was paired with something darker, a taste of the pain that lived within his soul.
I felt that darkness every time we were together and I embraced it because it was Vince. Finding myself in front of the house, I think back to coming here the first time, the door swinging open and a pair of icy blue eyes staring me down. That was it, the moment when my fate was sealed. That was the moment I became his.
It's too late to fight against it now. Vince is the most real thing in my life. A man who doesn't want me, who despises me, has made himself the center of my world.
I love Vince. There is no other man for me. I know that now. And I also know that it's hopeless.
Chapter 22
~
Vince
Since that dinner with the Wainwrights, I've been keeping busy every way I know how. I've been burying my head in business, but not talking to my dad much. We see each other and talk about work when he have to, but not like before. Mostly we communicate through his assistant, Brenda.
Whenever I spend time with my dad, I just feel even more like shit. He can see right through me. He knows why I went after Julie, that I'm full of hate and not much else. That's why I'd rather not face him these days, or myself for that matter.
It's not like I need to hang around Dad any more. His recovery is on track, and he has another kid on the way. At least he has something to look forward to. Maybe this kid will turn out better than I did.
To keep my mind off everything that's wrong, I work out more than I ever have in my life. Jake hasn't been able to keep up with me. I ran two extra laps around Burch Lane Park and did twice as many reps at the pull up bars.
"What's driving you, man?" he says as he huffs from exertion next to me. "Whatever it is, I want some." He smirks at me like he can guess.
"No, you don't," I tell him, but I don't explain myself.
When I can't lose myself in work or working out, I party. I go out every night. Anyone would think I'm having the time of my life. I'm drinking late into the night, but I haven't hooked up with even one girl in all that time. I tell myself to go for it, to man-up already, but at dawn, I still go home alone.
Tonight is shaping up that way too. Jake and I are drinking at Quint's Lounge. Serge and Danni were there with us but they must have left. In my state, I barely notice. The lighted water features are casting weird, blue lights everywhere and the girls look unreal to me as they dance. I'm planning to take one of them home, start getting Julie off my mind. Don't even care which one. As I look at them, they're just interchangeable bodies to me.
To get past whatever has been screwing with my game, I had the brilliant idea to get truly sloshed. Once I'm blind-drunk, I won't be so picky. Any girl will do, so all I'll have to do is go for it. That was the plan, but it doesn't seem to be working out. The drunker I get, the more Julie is on my mind.
I see her in that little blue dress. I see her eyes flash when I threaten to get out of hand at the party. I feel her small hand on my arm as she drags me away from the lights and the noise. She looked so determined, and no matter what I did, I couldn't scare her away.
Now I'm starting to talk about her, to Jake of all people. He was too interested in her already. I don't need to fan the flames. When I catch myself talking about the changing color of her eyes, I see Jake smirking.
"And what about the rest of her?" he asks, like he thinks I'm going to whip out my phone and show him naked pictures of her.
He's asking for a punch in the face. "There's nothing to her," I tell him to cool his interest. "She just has pretty eyes and a great body, and she tastes really good." I blink a few times as I bring a glass to my lips. I hope I didn't say all of that out loud.
"I can't believe you got in there, man," Jake cackles.
Obviously I did say some of that out loud. Great. "I don't know what the hell you're taking about," I claim, but booze has loosened my tongue. I don't even know what I'm saying. But I know I need to shut the hell up.
I just can't seem to muzzle myself. Later on, as I stumble to a cab Jake called for us, I'm saying, "She's my goddess. I just want to get on my knees in front of her and ask her to forgive me."
"What the fuck, man? I thought she was your whore," Jake says, needling me.
"Can't she be both?"
"She has you by the balls," Jake crows. "That Julie must be one sweet little piece."
I deny it. "I was talking about someone else. Julie is nothing to me."
So wh
y the hell can't I get through one day, hell, even one minute, without thinking about her? What the fuck did I do to myself?
While I was busy hating her, she was sinking her hooks into me just like her mom did to my dad. I should have run from her as soon as I met her and instantly wanted to be inside her.
Next morning, when I wake up too early with a pounding headache, I just want to die already. As the sun streaming through the huge, fucking windows stabs my half-open eyes, it's crystal clear to me what I need to do. I need to cut Julie out of my life. And there is only one way I can make a clean break—I have to leave. I don't even care where I go. I'll aim for the West Coast and see where I end up.
Great plan. Now I feel like cement blocks are crushing my chest.
The weight is still there even after I get up, but once I shower and have coffee, I can't pack fast enough. This is a good time to get away without too much fuss. Dad and Maryanne are out of town at Blue Water Resort and Spa. Brenda told me how she booked them for some classes that teach different relaxation techniques. They could both use some stress relief these days.
I'll call Dad and tell him I'm going on a trip to see some friends in L.A. After I pick someplace where I might like to live, I'll tell him that I decided to stay. If I start discussing my plans with Dad, he'll know I don't have any. Right now I don't want to be anywhere, and I suck at pretending. He might start worrying about me, or we might get into a fight. This way I'll save us both some trouble and keep the peace.
In the end, both he and Maryanne will be glad that I put some distance between Julie and me. No one will be happier about that than me though. It's going to be a relief to be away from her.
I hope it's going to be a relief.
Right now I just feel like I'm slowly dying inside. Every step I take is a struggle. Once my duffel bag is in my hand, it starts to feel heavy, like it's filled with bricks. Maybe that's all just because I'm hung over.
