by Styles, T.
She enjoyed the rest of her time with them until Elise requested he bring her home. Cosmo respected Elise, but he wasn’t bringing her anywhere until he could be sure Brownie was nowhere to be found. Elise told him she wasn’t allowed back in her house for at least two days so he said he was on his way.
“Cosmo, how come Mamma hate me because I’m light-skinned?” she asked from the passenger seat of his car. “I don’t think she ever really loved me.”
Cosmo, a young drug dealer and recreational thug, believed in family so it killed him to keep the secret he knew about Brownie from her for so long. If his little cousin wanted the truth, he would give it to her, ready or not.
“Your mother hates herself ... She just takes it out on you.” He continued to drive.
“I want her to love me, but I don’t know how or what to do.”
Cosmo frowned and said, “Your mother fucked that white coach at your school. Coach Jaffrey or some shit like that, but niggas call him Jay.” Farah looked at him strangely, not sure if she heard him correctly. “They used to be together when they were kids, and from what I heard it was serious. Brownie wanted more from the relationship but I don’t think Jay could do the public thing. Your mother’s dark skin walking next to his white skin gave him a complex when people looked at them out in the streets. You gotta be real strong to deal with that kind of shit.
“I ain’t gonna say if the white boy loved her or not, but I know your mother loved him more, so she couldn’t handle the rejection. When she met Ashur, she left Jay alone, and got serious with my uncle. Me and Moms thought she was done with Jay for good but then people started saying they saw her around town with the dude when she was married to Ashur.”He took a sip of the bottled water in his car. “This was all before you were born.” He looked at her and saw he had her undivided attention. “Anyway, Moms told him to watch out for Brownie, because she was not to be trusted, but Ashur wouldn’t listen. We figured he’d done so much shit in the dark that he would forgive the sins she committed in broad daylight.” He shook his head. “That white boy fucked her mind up ... and she ain’t never been the same.” He looked over at her. “So no matter what you do, Farah, you’ll never be able to get through to her. The only thing Brownie wanted was to marry that white man, and your light skin reminds her that she could never have him. A few years later, I think he married some red sister, so he was definitely into black women.”
Cosmo was young and without tact but that was his way. He didn’t stop to think what the information he dropped would do to her. Farah’s stomach swirled and her mind raced upon hearing the news. It dawned on her then that whatever Dr. Martin gave her must be working; otherwise, she would’ve passed out today, seeing as though it was the worst one of her life. “What are you saying?” Farah asked.
“You already know, little cousin.”
She swallowed. “You saying Coach Jaffrey is my father?”
Silence.
She didn’t believe him. She needed to speak to her father. . . the one who held her in his arms, and protected her from harm, so it was a good thing she was going home. The smart part of her said it made sense. Her light skin and coal-black hair was just like his. Still, she loved Ashur with everything she had and she desperately wanted to ignore what her cousin was trying to imply. “Cosmo, do you like dark-skinned girls or light skin?”
“Neither.”
“Huh?”
“I love women. All women. The light skin versus dark skin shit is dead to me. I be seeing chicks all the time bleach out their faces, forgetting their necks, and a whole bunch of other crazy shit like that. Like something is wrong with black period, no matter what shade you are.” He shrugged. “In Africa, before we were shipped over to this bitch, the blacker you were the better. Now, dark chicks hate who they are and wanna be something else.” He laughed. “The funny thing is, just like Coach Jaffrey was into your mother, a lot of white niggas be diggin’on black bitches ... the Italians, the Russians, and Chinese too. They just not as vocal as the black dude who dates a white broad for status.” He pulled up to her building and parked. “I love a bitch as dark as Grace Jones or as yellow as you. I just don’t give a fuck. Then again, that’s just me.”
That night, when Farah heard footsteps outside the bedroom door she braced herself for the worst, thinking it was Brownie wanting to finish her off. But when she turned around and faced the door, she saw Mia instead. In Pig Latin Mia said, “You wanna kill that bitch, don’t you?”
Silence.
“Stop with the crying,” she continued. “She not coming home tonight. Grandma was serious as a mothafucka about that shit. Plus she went to see about Daddy, so you ain’t got to worry ... Relax.”
When Cosmo dropped her off earlier that night, the neighborhood was buzzing about the triple homicide Ashur committed. Unknowingly, the family he killed was the same family responsible for the murder of their son’s pregnant girlfriend and her father. To some, he was a hero, which Elise was sure he would spin to his advantage. More interested in her father than Brownie, Farah asked, “You think he gonna get out of jail again this time?”
“Yes,” Mia said confidently. “Daddy always beats the raps.” She leaned against the doorway.
“But they saying he murdered some people in broad daylight.”
“It don’t make no difference. Shit gonna be cool. Plus you know it’s the boy who killed his pregnant girlfriend in Virginia. People in the neighborhood loving him right now.” Mia walked into the room and sat down on the edge of the bed. It sank a few inches due to her extreme weight. There was love in her eyes as she softly touched her sister’s leg and looked at her. “Farah, Mamma was wrong as shit for what she did to you. But that’s her problem ... don’t make it yours. The girl Coconut and some other girls are outside to see you. Go hang out and have some fun.”
“I don’t wanna see them ... They tried to jump me. Farah pouted.
“And I put them bitches in they place just now, too.” Mia frowned. “And your ass should’ve stood out there and rumbled every last one of them one by one instead of running.
“Oh ... don’t think I forgot about you lying on me about fucking up Mamma’s juice that day, either. You owe me for telling her I really did that shit. Anyway, them bitches out there being fake, I know it, but that’s what bitches do. You wanna be popular, so you gotta play along, Farah.
“This disease we got fucked you up way more than us; now you got a chance to make a few friends and have a normal life.” When Farah didn’t seem to be buying it she said, “Let’s not forget that it was your fault anyway. You should’ve never jumped in the business and told that girl what Shannon said behind her back. They probably gonna ask you what happened with Daddy, and all that other stuff. Play along and be a hood star. You deserve it.”
Farah wanted to tell her about what she learned about her real father, but she pushed it down into the pit of her stomach, never to think about it again. “But what if they know?” Farah wiped tears off her face. “That Mamma put shit on my face in front of everybody?”
“How could they? I didn’t tell anybody. And you know Mamma didn’t either.”
“What about our cousins? You know they talk too much, and they were all there.”
Mia was growing frustrated at her sister’s tender heart. “Fuck ’em!” Mia scowled. “At least go outside to see what they want. If they do know, you want people to see you with your head held high not low. You a Cotton, bitch! Toughen up and act like it,” Mia said seriously. “And the temperature gone down, so you know all the cute little boys gonna be out there. Your face clearing up a little bit thanks to Dr. Martin, and if you stop having panic attacks and calm down, you might find yourself a boyfriend.”
Mia was right. Why should she suffer because of who she was? Or because of how she looked? Suddenly Farah had a new goal in mind. If people thought she was pretty because of her light skin, she would learn to use the outside characteristic to her advantage. Looking up at her big sister she sa
id, “Fuck Mamma! I gotta do me.”
“Now you talking, RedBone!”
Chapter 10
Two Years Later
“But I’m not like y’all. I don’t like hurting people.”
—Farah
“Hey, Rhonda ... it’s Farah, she said, playing with the white cord on Coconut’s phone in her bedroom.
“Me and Natasha was just about to come over there, Rhonda said. “We getting dressed right now.”
Fourteen-year-old Farah looked at Coconut’s bedroom door to be sure she wasn’t coming. “I’m glad you called first because we not going to the party tonight.”
“Why not? We been planning this shit all week.”
“She got her period and been in pain all day. Her mother making her some tea right now to settle her stomach.”
“Where she at? Let me talk to her right quick,” she said, concerned.
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Farah smiled so it could be felt through the phone. “She really needs her rest.”
“Oh ... okay ... Well, I’ll call her later.”
After placing the phone on the hook, Farah sat on the bed and waited for Coconut to come back into her room. Fifteen minutes later she entered, holding a new porno DVD, and placed it in the player. She wiggled her toes as she watched bits and pieces of the porno Coconut was obsessed with playing. While most people played music in the background, she wasn’t satisfied unless the sounds of fucking rang throughout her room. Farah watched Coconut comb her hair as she sat on the bed. Her beauty, and the effortless way she moved her body, mesmerized her. Farah wondered how it must have felt not to be plagued with the same social-killing disease that plagued her all her life. Farah wanted nothing more than to be her, have her home and even her mother, Sherry. Unlike Brownie, she wasn’t in her ear telling her that she needed to do unspeakable acts of violence to prove her love. So over the years, Coconut’s house became her refuge. Although she wasn’t allowed to go over there during the daytime hours, because of what the sun did to her skin, she made up for the time by the wild things she did with Coconut at night.
The girls were talking about boys and their lives in high school when Sherry attempted to walk in without knocking. “Ma, get the fuck outta my room!” Coconut yelled, throwing her shoe at the door. Sherry quickly closed the door to prevent getting hit. “You know I hate when you come in here without asking! Damn, respect my fucking privacy!”
“I’m sorry, honey. I was coming to bring your clean clothes,” she said from the outside.
Coconut rolled her eyes and said, “Well, hurry up.” Sherry rushed inside, as if time were not on her side and she were not head of household. Farah was amazed at how she spoke to her mother and, more importantly, how Sherry reacted to the verbal abuse. She had no doubt that with Ashur incarcerated, Brownie would not hesitate to snap her neck back if she used the same language.
Sherry wasn’t always that way, but after Coconut’s father died in a freak accident last year—when the shaft of a dump truck traveling in the opposite direction from him on the highway dislodged and slammed into his windshield—she felt guilty. After all, Milton was on his way to listen to Coconut’s recital at her school, when Sherry begged him to pick her up from the bar after having gone over her limit of ten glasses of vodka. If he had been with his daughter he would still be alive today, and Coconut hated Sherry for it. It didn’t matter that she hadnt had a drop of liquor since.
After Sherry finished neatly placing Coconut’s clothes in the dresser, she rushed out to give the girls privacy. “That bitch gets on my fuckin’ nerves sometimes.”
“She seems nice to me.” Farah shrugged. “Nicer than my mother, anyway.”
“Everybody’s nicer than your mother,” Coconut said, combing her hair more. “Anyway, tell your father I said hi.” She smiled. “I still can’t believe he killed them people back then. That shit is so fucking sexy.”
Mia was right: the main reason Coconut wanted to squash the beef two years ago was to get in her family’s business. Farah would spend hours telling her about the violent things Ashur did, including how her parents made her kick Theo in the dick. In love with lying, she even made up a few stories along the way. One time when she spent a night over at her house, and they slept in the same bed, Coconut played with her own pussy and Farah’s at the same time after she told her about her father’s violent ways. Even then Coconut didn’t allow her into the crew, until she participated in their favorite game called Smack Down.
Standing in front of Farah, Coconut smacked her with all her might in the face. When she was done, she was allowed to slap her back. They went back and forth, until Farah raised her hand, wanting the game to stop. Even though she lost, they underestimated Farah’s desire to have friends, because it took over an hour for her to concede. It wasn’t about the game; everyone who played knew Coconut was the most thorough. They realized then that Farah wasn’t the mousy, spotty-faced girl they thought she was.
“He told me to tell you hello,” Farah said dryly. She wanted Coconut’s attention on her at all times, and not her father.
“Good ... But look, I wanted to tell you something,” Coconut said, leaning in. “You know I been fucking with David on the side, right?” Farah shook her head. “Girl, yes, and he has the biggest dick you ever seen in your life. I sucked it earlier today at school and he gave me fifty bucks.”
“Ain’t he Jake’s best friend?” Farah took the comb from Coconut and said, “You want me to scratch your scalp?”
“You know I do. Anyway ... so what he’s his best friend? He ain’t gonna tell him and neither am I.”
Farah shook her head. In her opinion her boyfriend, Jake, was perfect. He was attractive, on the football team, had his own car, and he gave her money. What more did she want? “I don’t see how you do that.”
“What? Suck dick?” She laughed. “Hold up, you never gave a blowjob before?”
“I haven’t even fucked nobody yet.” Farah scratched her scalp harder, the way she liked it.
Coconut laughed and said, “You use the word ‘fuck’ so freely ... I mean, you sure you ain’t do it yet?” Farah shook her head again. “Park allow that shit? For you to hold out on him with the pussy?”
“Park ain’t got no choice. But I jerk him off, though. Farah wasn’t into Park that much because in her dreams, the ones she wrote on paper, he didn’t fit the bill.
“I hope you ain’t holding out waiting for that dark Superman nigga you be talking about all the time, because he ain’t real.”
Farah laughed. “I said I want him super strong, not Superman.” She sighed. “And Park not real either ... at least not with me. I mean, I like him, but not enough to have sex with him. Not right now anyway.”
“Wow. What a lucky guy.” She laughed. “Anyway, don’t say anything to Park about me fucking David, because if it gets out, I’ll know you the one who said it.”
Farah was insulted. “I ain’t doing no shit like that to you. You’re my cousin.”
“Play cousin,” she corrected her. “Now where is Rhonda and Natasha? I thought they were coming over. Jake and Park said they have some friends who gonna be at that party tonight, and we need more girls.”
Farah lied to Rhonda about the party earlier, because she couldn’t go and she didn’t want Rhonda and Natasha to be around Coconut alone. She worked so hard to win her friendship that she was afraid if they did real fun stuff together without her, Coconut wouldn’t want her around anymore. Brownie’s strictness was the main reason Farah couldn’t wait to get that apartment with Coconut they always talked about.
Ever since her grandmother told her that if she wrote her desires, hopes, and dreams on paper they would all come true, she was religious with her writing. And there were three things she wrote about every day: to have Coconut as a friend no matter what; to meet the dark-skinned, extra-strong man who would love her for eternity; and to rid herself of the sickness that had plagued her life. She was so close to having her
dreams come true that she didn’t want to lose them like this, so she had to clean up her mess quick.
“I ain’t wanna tell you, but Rhonda and Natasha be hating on us, because we light skinned and they not. I heard them talking about it today at school. They were popping all kinds of shit in the cafeteria, like it’s our fault we were born this way,” Farah lied, combing her hair. “You should not have even invited them.”
Coconut glared. “Rhonda and Natasha never acted like that around me. I been cool with them for years. I’m about to call them right now.”
For fear of getting caught in a lie, Farah dropped the comb and broke out in tears. She had practice on how to fake it since she sobbed on a regular basis to get Brownie’s attention. “See ... I knew you wouldn’t believe me. That’s why I ain’t wanna tell you. Now you gonna ask them and everybody gonna be mad at me again. I’ma just go home.”
Coconut got up and hugged her. “I’m not gonna say nothing.” Farah pouted. “Seriously. Me and you way closer than I am with them now. You here like every day. You family for real.”
Farah shook her head. “Naw ... you don’t wanna be my friend. I’ma just go home.”
“I do wanna be your friend.” She hugged her tighter. “Please don’t leave ... Park and Jake on the way over, and I don’t want to be by myself.” Farah looked like she was still upset. “You my best friend now, and anything we say between each other is kept here. Let’s keep it light, okay?” she said, quoting her favorite phrase as usual.
They separated from the embrace. “Thank you.” She smiled. “I just want us to always be close. That’s all I ever wanted.”
“Then you got it ... but you gotta calm down. Sometimes you do too much, Farah.”
