by Lena Manta
“I won’t say you’re wrong to feel some shame. The two of you have done a lot of harm to one another. So what are you going to do now, Stavros?”
“What do you mean, what am I going to do?”
“Your wife has become what you wanted her to be, you have a child together, and she’s asking you to start over again—isn’t that right?”
“She told me that she’s completely finished with the past and I have to think about whether I can forgive her so that we can move ahead. She stood in front of me without offering any excuses for what she did. She took full responsibility. She was the Aspasia I once knew . . . calm, strong, able to look me in the eye again. She looked just as beautiful as she did then.”
“So what is there to decide? Whatever the two of us have, with Aspasia you’ll always have something more—your child.”
“I can’t do it, Despina. However much I want to believe her I can’t go back. I don’t love her anymore. Over all those years, day by day, any feeling I had for her died.”
“Did you tell her that?”
“No, I wanted to think. I’ve been wandering around the streets for hours asking myself if I have the slightest trace of feelings left for her, something that would allow me to hope. There’s nothing.”
“And the child?”
“The child will come with me, of course.”
“Are you sure?”
“Completely. However hard Aspasia tried with Theodora—and I won’t say she didn’t make up for some lost time—the girl won’t want to live with her mother.”
“You sound very sure. But . . .”
“Would you like to live with me and help me raise her?”
Despina tried to hide the longing in her voice. “What are you suggesting?”
“I won’t lie to you, Despina. I love you. Maybe not in the same way I loved Aspasia once, but I’m certain about one thing: I want to live with you. You make me feel as if I’m getting better. I feel calm beside you, I miss you when I’m not with you. Is that enough for you to agree to be my wife?”
The answer came in the form of an embrace and warm kiss.
Stavros now had to speak to Aspasia, but he wanted to wait until they’d gotten beyond the first anniversary of Stella’s death. Nothing would change, of course. Neither of them would ever get over the death of their child, but he still thought it would be best to tell her the day after the ceremony.
Aspasia seemed ready. They’d sent Theodora to play with her friend, and now they sat like duelists, one opposite the other.
“So the time’s come,” she said, without a trace of bitterness in her voice.
“I think so, yes,” he replied. “We left the conversation half-finished, and I didn’t think it was right to continue it before the anniversary of Stella’s death.”
“I respect that. But I think I already know what you want to say. We’re finished, aren’t we? Isn’t that what you wanted to tell me, Stavros?”
“Yes. I thought about it very hard. It’s not that I don’t believe that you’ve changed, but . . .”
“But you can’t forget.”
“No, I can’t. Also, I don’t feel anything anymore, Aspasia. There’s nothing left in me.”
“I didn’t leave anything in you.”
“You could say that. Regardless, I don’t want to put more blame on you. When you get down to it, we said all we had to say; in the end, there was just no way to fix this.”
“You’re right. For a little while, recently, when you began being nice to me, I thought that things were going to turn around for us. But now I understand. There’s another woman in your life, isn’t there, Stavros?”
“What does that have to do with it?”
“So she does exist. Don’t worry, I won’t provoke anything that would make us enemies again. I had accepted the fact that we won’t be together again before you told me. Even I have instincts. So, are you going to reveal who she is?
“Despina.”
“Despina? Kyrios Alekos’s daughter? But she’s married to a sailor.”
“Yes, but they’ve separated. Some time ago. For the last year she’s been living in Kalamata. But I only recently realized . . . I mean, it’s only recently that we’ve been together.”
“Yes. But it’s an irony of fate, isn’t it? If you had discovered that you were suited to one another back then, you wouldn’t have gone through all the suffering I’ve caused you.”
“You speak as if it doesn’t bother you.”
“It bothers me, but not so much. I love you of course: you did nothing to change my feelings, but I can accept that it’s better like this. We’ve done a lot of harm to each other—”
Stavros cut her off. “I know what you mean. The strange thing is that Despina said the same thing.”
“Will you get married?”
“Yes. That is, I asked her and she accepted. What will you do?”
“I don’t know yet. What will happen with the child, Stavros? Who will Theodora live with?”
“Do we even need to discuss that? Naturally, she’ll live with me. I’ve already spoken to Despina. She knows we’ll raise Theodora together.”
“Does that mean that you’ve made up your mind to take her away from me?” Aspasia’s voice sounded strange.
“Just wait a minute, because you’ve caught me unprepared. Do you mean that you want her with you?”
“How can you think that I don’t want her? The best years of her life passed without my knowing she existed, and now that I’ve struggled so hard to get close to her, you want me to leave her?”
“Aspasia, I think you’re overlooking something. However hard you struggled—and I know you struggled—the little one is closest to me. And what do you intend to do? I mean, where will you go? Where will you work? How will you raise her?”
“I don’t know yet. I haven’t had time to think. You see, you’ve already made your decisions, you’ve discussed them with your future partner. But I guess I hoped until the last moment . . .”
“Have you thought about going back to singing?” he asked.
Aspasia couldn’t understand why it felt so difficult to answer. “I told you I was all finished with singing!” she finally declared.
“Yes, but now that you’re free, I thought . . .”
“You thought wrong. I already made it clear that I’m entirely done with singing and the life I led. I didn’t just say that to save our marriage, although I hoped it would. I decided to give it up for myself.”
“And how will you live? I’m ready to help you, to give you some support.”
“I won’t accept a penny from you. I have some savings from my time in the clubs, and I’ll see what else I can do. As for the child . . .”
“Aspasia, if we want to make sure that we’re doing the right thing, we can ask her.”
“Why would we put her in such a dilemma? Why would we make her feel guilty over who she decides to leave? No, Stavros. I’ll accept this, as I’ve accepted all the rest. I had everything and I lost it on a roll of the dice, like a bad gambler. I only ask that I can see her now and then.”
“I promise you I won’t do anything to stop you from seeing her.”
Aspasia stood up. She looked very tired. Stavros stood too, and they looked into each other’s eyes. Quite spontaneously, he stretched out his arms and hugged her. They stayed like that for a few minutes, and when they separated, Aspasia’s eyes were filled with tears.
“I’m truly sorry,” she said quietly.
“I am too. I’ll always remember the Aspasia I knew and loved; I’ll remember only our good moments.”
“Yes, do that. It will be a relief to me to know that you’re thinking of me without hatred anymore. And I want to believe . . . I’ll pray to God that Despina gives you all the happiness that I couldn’t give you.”
Aspasia dared to kiss him tenderly on the cheek, but Stavros neither pulled away nor did he seem to be angry. She smiled sadly at him and went to her room until she heard
the front door close behind him and realized that Despina was waiting for him.
Theodora looked at her father in surprise. The two of them were in the house alone, as Aspasia had made some excuse and then gone out so they could talk. She didn’t have the courage to be present at such a discussion.
“What do you mean when you say we’ll leave this house?” Theodora asked. “And what about Mama?”
“Theodora, you’re a big girl, so you can understand. Your mother and I can’t live together anymore.”
“Don’t you love her? Is that it?”
“No, not in the way a man should love his wife.”
“Do you love someone else?”
Stavros looked at her bravely. “I won’t lie to you. Your mother and I understood some time ago that we couldn’t live together. We were patient in case something changed . . . but during this time, another woman turned up in my life who loves me and I love her.”
“And will we live with her?”
“Yes.”
“And Mama? Will she live by herself?”
“Yes, unless she finds someone else. She’s very young and still very beautiful.”
“And the other one, the woman we’ll live with? Is she young and beautiful?”
“Yes, she is.”
“More beautiful than Mama?”
“What does that have to do with it?”
“If she isn’t more beautiful than Mama, why are you marrying her?”
“It has nothing to do with beauty, darling. Despina is very nice; she knows we are all going to live together and she can’t wait to welcome you into her house!”
“Despina? Is she the daughter of your partner, Daddy?”
“Yes. And whenever you want, you’ll go to see your mother. You won’t be losing either of us. I promise you!”
“Daddy, why are you doing this? I know you used to be angry with Mama when she went away, but now she’s always here. So why are you angry with her?”
“Who told you I was angry with Mama?”
“So why are you separating? Is it because we lost Stella? I’m here and I don’t want you to separate!”
“I know, sweetheart. That’s why we were patient, why we tried, but it didn’t work. We’re very young to stay together without wanting to. When you grow up a little, you’ll understand.”
The girl was silent. A deep wrinkle appeared between her brows. She looked at her father thoughtfully. “Do I have to come with you?” she finally asked.
Stavros’s eyes opened wide. “What do you mean?”
“When two parents separate, the child has to go with one or the other. Is that right?” she continued.
“Right.”
“OK. Well I want to go and live with Mama,” Theodora announced, straightening her body proudly.
“But, my child, I want to say . . . you and your mother . . . that is, I thought . . .” Stavros was at a loss. “I want to say that with Mama, we decided . . .”
“Do you mean to say that Mama agreed to let me live with you without any discussion?”
“The truth is that I told her that’s the way it would be, because I thought you’d want to stay with me. You and your mother mended your relationship only very recently, and I never imagined that you’d want to go with her.”
“It’s very bad that you didn’t ask me before you made decisions that concern me.”
“Your mother didn’t want to put you in such a dilemma.”
“But there’s no dilemma for me. I love both of you but my mother needs me right now.”
“I need you too.”
“But you’ll have another woman beside you and Mama will be by herself! No, Daddy. I’m not going with you. I’ll come and see you as often as I can, but my place is with my mother.”
“Theodora, are you sure?”
“Absolutely! Do you know something? When we lost my sister I felt very much alone. You see, for me, Stella wasn’t just my sister; she was much more. Mama was away, and even when she was here it was as if she was away. But later she changed. At first I didn’t dare to believe it. Every day that went by I thought it would be our last together; I thought that she’d leave me again. But eventually, I realized that it wasn’t like that. She’d come back to me forever. If this had happened a few years ago I’d have come with you without any discussion. But now that Mama has changed, now that she seems to regret everything, I won’t turn my back on her. All people deserve another chance—that’s what our literature teacher at school says, and now I know she’s right. You understand, don’t you?”
Stavros looked at his daughter, very moved. “When did you grow up so much?” he asked.
“Probably right now, at this moment. You won’t be angry with me, will you, Daddy?”
“How could I be?”
“And you’ll let me go with Mama?”
“How could I do anything else?”
Aspasia walked like an automaton along the road without seeing where she was going. She had no idea how long she’d been out, but she didn’t want to go home and hear her death sentence. And that’s what it felt like. When Theodora would go to live with her father, she’d take all her mother’s strength and vitality with her. The wheels of the cars passing Aspasia seemed very tempting; one step and she’d be saved forever from the pain she carried inside her. But reason stopped her. No, she wouldn’t do that to her child. She would let her go and then she’d disappear forever without her daughter ever knowing that she’d fled from a life that had no meaning anymore. If she did it any other way, the child would be full of guilt that she’d carry with her for the rest of her life.
She entered the house exhausted and only when she had closed the door did she allow her tears to flow freely. Complete quiet reigned. She took two steps forward and was startled when she saw Theodora reading a book.
As soon as she saw her mother she smiled. “You’ve finally come home!” she said. “I’ve been waiting for you for an hour!”
“Where’s your father?”
“Daddy and I had a big discussion and now he’s left. He went to Despina, who is waiting for him.”
Aspasia looked dazed.
Theodora continued, “Like I said, I talked to Daddy. I know that you’re separating. I found out about Despina, and he wanted to take me with him to meet her but I told him I wanted to talk to you, and so Despina will have to wait to meet me another time.”
“What do you want to say to me? If it’s about you, I know . . .”
“You think you know, just like Daddy.”
Aspasia felt her heart leap and sat down in an armchair so as not to collapse on the floor. It wasn’t possible—she must have made a mistake.
Theodora came over and sat on the arm of the chair. “We’ll leave together, Mama,” she said. “Because we will be leaving, won’t we?”
Aspasia couldn’t even move now. “Did you tell your father you want to stay with me?” she asked in a voice that could hardly be heard.
“Of course!”
“Why?” Aspasia dared to ask, her eyes brimming with tears. “Why do you want to live with me? I wasn’t ever . . .”
“Once, you weren’t a mother to me. But now you are, and I’m not going to leave you alone.”
Aspasia couldn’t hold herself back anymore. Shaking all over with sobs, she hugged her daughter, who responded with delight.
Theodora recovered first. She pulled away and looked at her mother. “Mama, enough tears,” she said, wiping her mother’s eyes.
“You’re right! Now we have to think about what we’ll do, where we’ll go.”
Holding hands, they talked for a long time, suggesting and rejecting cities where they could live. In the end, neither of them knew how a river came into the conversation, a river that flowed calmly. Its waters ran beside a house that was embraced by two chestnut trees, like two tender sentinels. The decision to return excited them both. Recently Theodora had heard her mother talk about the village tucked away below Mount Olympus. Enchanted by everythi
ng her mother described, she was dying to go there and to meet her grandmother whose name she carried.
Aspasia, with a tender smile on her lips, remembered her mother’s words. “And if the trials are very strong, remember that here, in this corner of the earth, is the river. Dive into it to purify yourself again!” The hour of return had come and with it the hour of her expiation. The river of her life had dragged her along, but now she would go against the current, holding her daughter’s hand tightly, and return to where she had begun, knowing that she never wanted to leave again. And so, back to the house . . .
To the house by the river.
POLYXENI
Squeezed between boxes and costumes, Polyxeni kept holding her breath until they were far enough from the village. She didn’t want anyone to discover her until they were so far that they couldn’t throw her off the truck and send her back. From what she’d heard before they left, the troupe was heading for the Peloponnese to give its next performances. When she stowed herself away, she didn’t know exactly why she was doing it or how she would manage without a penny to her name. The only thing she knew was that if she didn’t leave the village, she would go insane. She had taken a few clothes with her, only what was strictly necessary. Now, sitting in the hard back of the truck, she thought about what she’d say to the traveling players when they found her. Would they let her stay with them or kick her out? If they allowed her to stay, how could she earn her keep? And if they sent her on her way, where would she go?
Polyxeni once again imagined herself standing on the stage, wearing beautiful clothes and with a crowd of people applauding. Her daydream, together with the rhythmic movement of the truck, lulled her sweetly to sleep. She woke up hungry a few hours later. She crawled to the side of the truck and lifted the tarpaulin a little to see where they were. They were coming into Almyro, which meant that they’d been traveling for hours. She went back to her place and opened her cloth bag. At the top was a piece of bread wrapped in a napkin. She pulled off a small piece and began to chew slowly. Her imagination helped her transform it into smoked salmon. Somewhere she had read that the rich ate smoked salmon and caviar at the parties they went to, and she was determined to eat the same thing one day. She didn’t know how, but she was sure of one thing: she would become rich and famous, no matter what it took. She would dress in very expensive clothes, wear marvelous jewels, and have people wait on her.
