“In a perfect world, you wouldn’t have to be here today, the doctors would have come up with a miracle cure, and Seth, Leah, and I would be living the dream as a happy triad. Unfortunately, this isn’t a perfect world.”
He clasped his hands together in front of him, his intense grey gaze boring directly into the camera, focusing on each and every one of them.
“I’m here to tell you, right now, to quit stalling. Quit waiting. Quit making excuses for whatever is holding you back, good or bad. If you have been forgetting to pick up the phone and call someone and tell them how you feel, do it. If you haven’t made a clean break because of fear of the unknown, well, guess what? One day, it’ll be too late to start again and you’ll never have a chance.
“My biggest regret is that I was too afraid for too many years to admit that I loved my best friend. That I would have been proud and glad to have him as my partner with Leah. I was scared of what ‘people’—” he used finger quotes, “—might say about it. I was afraid, for some stupid reason, that people might not approve of my choices. It wasn’t until all of this fell in on me that I realized since when did I give a flying fuck what people thought about me? I don’t. And I never should have.”
He leveled a finger at the camera, at all of them. “Quit being afraid. I get it, some of us have jobs and families we need to placate. That’s the cost of living, for some of us. But we don’t need to let it rule every aspect of our lives. We can mitigate. We can figure out ways around it. My greatest regret, besides not being here for Leah and Seth, is that I wasted a lot of great years that the three of us could have been living happily as a triad. And that Seth, as a result, ended up in marriages that he could have avoided had I simply opened my freaking mouth a lot sooner.
“Stop living in fear. You always hear that, but maybe it’ll have more impact coming from a dead guy. There is no more fear once you’re dead, folks. There is no more living, either, I don’t care what your particular faith or beliefs tell you about the afterlife. You’re not here, with the people you love, or the people who love you. And that fucking sucks.
“So live now. Love now. Don’t settle for getting by. Don’t settle for anything less than what makes you happy. If you think you’re doing someone a favor by settling, you’re not. Because if you’re not fully happy, you’re only giving them a less-than version of yourself, and frankly? That’s a consent violation. You’re not letting them choose the real you.
“I’ve seen a lot of you when you first got into the lifestyle, until now, how you’ve grown and changed. Those changes never stop unless you’re dead. Sometimes they’re small changes, sometimes they’re large ones. Sometimes they make us laugh, and sometimes they make us cry.”
He pulled off his glasses and rubbed at his eyes.
“I know some of you are aware of all the preparations I’ve made. Yes, I’m filming this, along with a lot of other stuff, early on. I’m making my preparations now, so I can live what numbered days I have left in relative peace. I’ve already lived through my death, and my funeral, and my wife and best friend getting married. I’ve done it. I’ve done it so I can be as free as I can in the times that will matter most, the time I spend with them, until I actually take my last breath.
“Can any of you say that? That you’re free? You should live your life freely. In such a way that when you go, you’ve left nothing unsaid. That’s why I wanted this video played today. For those of you who I did leave things unsaid to, please accept my apologies. You all have no excuse, however, not to leave here today and get those things said to the people closest to you. Burn the bridges or repair them, whatever needs to happen.
“Time is short, and it only gets shorter every morning we wake up. Even the time you’re spending here today—and thanks for coming, by the way—is eating into the time you could be living. This is the longest you will ever have for the rest of your life. Life only gets shorter from here on out. Beyond those doors lies the rest of your life. Don’t let the door stay closed. Open the damn thing. Remember that. Don’t forget it. Believe me, I spent a lot of years forgetting it. It wasn’t until this happened that I managed to really understand how valuable time is. How valuable love is. How valuable the people I love are, and how much I cherish them.
“You guys are free to stand up and say something, if you want. I told Ed to let everyone there determine that. I wanted you to have a good meal on me, be able to smile as you recalled good memories about me, and wanted to give you all something to think about and carry with you.
“And, seriously, thank you again, all of you, for being a part of our lives. Thank you for welcoming Seth into the community, and thank you for helping him and Leah out through this time. I appreciate that more than you’ll ever know, or that I’ll ever be able to tell you. And remember that family—and I consider most of you family, in a way—isn’t about blood bonds. Family is about who you adopt into your tribe, your pack.
“Derrick and Marcia have given us a very special, almost sacred place to create new families and friends together. To experience a rebirth into the life we really want and need for ourselves. Don’t waste a second of it, and make sure to be there for each other in any way you can. Including to help keep the spirit of this place alive, as well as supporting it so it can stay open. We need Venture, and the people who come after you will need it. Remember that it’s a place of spirit and community.
“Love you guys, and thank you for being here. I’m sorry I can’t be there for you any longer.”
The screen went dark. Tony turned off the DVD player and the TV and set the remotes aside as Ed stepped forward. The room was silent except for the rustle of clothes, the sounds of people sniffling, and noses being blown.
Ed stood there for a moment, apparently composing his thoughts. “I know I’m not into this as much as some of you are. My wife and I are more voyeurs and bedroom players than we are hard-core lifestylers. But Kaden wasn’t just my business partner, he was my friend. Because I spent so much time with him, I know some of what went on between him and Leah. He had to confide in me to a certain extent years ago, so I would understand some of the…unique things that he asked of me when preparing his paperwork. In case something unexpected and sudden took him instead of a situation like this.
“I know that he loved Leah with all his heart. And Seth might as well have been part of their marriage from the start, because he loved Seth more than any brother could have. Which is why, once he knew Leah loved Seth, too, he set up what he did for her.
“I can only hope that, if I should meet a similar fate, that I can face the end of my life with the forethought, planning, grace, dignity, and peace that Kaden did. He lived the last of his life, yes, worried about Leah, but also with a degree of comfort knowing Seth would be there after to carry on for him. Kaden told me that was a relief, that he had everything worked out.”
He turned to Tony and motioned to him. Tony stepped forward, then turned to look at the picture.
Kaden looked happy in the photo, even though there was a slight sadness in his eyes. What had his friend gone through, early on, before most of them even knew about his cancer, to prepare all of this? The mental and emotional preparations Kaden made…he was a better man than Tony felt himself to be.
Tony hadn’t prepared a statement, knowing if he did he’d just choke up trying to read it. He’d opted instead for an extemporaneous eulogy.
“I think it would be a shame,” Tony finally started, “if people left here today sad, then woke up tomorrow and went about their business as usual. There is no business as usual. Period. Every day when we wake up, we’re not guaranteed that we won’t get hit by a bus on the way to work, or that a fire in our building might trap and kill us on our lunch hour, or that a freak accident might happen and we choke on a piece of popcorn in front of the TV while alone in our living room and watching porn.”
A slight chuckle from the audience.
“I know I, for one, plan to take the lessons I’ve learned throug
hout this experience and apply them to my life going forward. I want to live as authentically as I can and be happy. I want to help others be happy. I want to help educate others on the best ways to find out what makes them happy. Because what makes me or you happy might not work for someone else. And that’s okay, too. Kaden and I both sort of did a lot of learning together in this whole process. We were here in the beginning, even before the club was here. Once we had the club, it was easier to teach others, teach more of them, on how to find their own happiness.
“I’m glad that I’ve gotten to witness so many people finding out who they are, growing, learning, and changing their lives for the better. What a lot of people don’t understand is that what we’re doing isn’t the easy choice. Not at all. This is the hard choice. This is swimming upstream while we’re determined to live. It’s easy to follow the rest of the school downstream to get scooped up in nets and die miserably.
“It’s brave to keep swimming, keep fighting for what we want, the way Kaden fought for what he wanted. He wanted Leah, and he wanted Leah to be happy and healthy. And in the process of that fight, they found their way to BDSM and it worked for them. Who’s to fault them? They had, what, over twenty years of marriage? How many other people can say that?”
He looked down for a moment, trying to formulate his next thought. “He’s right that this place is special. Sacred.” He smiled. “Besides the cries of ‘oh, god’ that we frequently hear.” More laughter. “Live true, live authentically. Love hard, and love honestly. Be willing to live the difficult life in an attempt to live a better life for yourself.
“And don’t forget to never leave anything left unsaid. Because you never know when the next time you see someone or talk to them might be the last time. Wouldn’t it be some small comfort to know that the last words you left said to someone was that you loved them? Or that you cared about them? It doesn’t lessen the pain of loss, but it prevents an additional ache of having left something unsaid, or worrying that someone didn’t know how you truly felt about them.”
Tony stepped aside and went over to get himself a cup of water while Ed took over again and called people up to speak, starting with Derrick.
Maybe I should have asked for one of Ed’s Xanax.
* * * *
Clean-up was easy because nearly everyone pitched in to help with everything. They actually had too many volunteers. So five minutes after the caterer and everyone else left, it was Derrick, Marcia, Tony, and Kel sitting at one of the tables.
“I knew it was coming,” Derrick said, “but I honestly hoped there’d be a miracle.”
“I think we all did,” Tony said.
Kel, who only had to walk around the building to his apartment in his unit on the other side of the building, had pulled a cold bottle of beer out of a small cooler he’d brought with him and kept stashed in the office behind the desk.
“Anyone?” he offered.
They shook their heads as he twisted the cap off and took a pull from the bottle. “I know I could have waited, but honestly? I want to sit here for a few minutes and think about him and toast him.”
“I plan on getting blind drunk when I get home,” Tony said. “I already took tomorrow off in preparation.”
Derrick snorted. “Since we’re the bosses, we can’t,” he said. “I’ve got two accountants out on vacation already this week.” He let out a sigh. “Dammit. I thought he’d be here forever. He was here at the beginning. He was the beginning. It’s not fair he’s not here. He should have been.”
“We all thought that,” Tony said.
After a few quiet moments, Marcia spoke up. “Do you think Seth will start teaching his classes? Kaden’s classes?”
“Yes,” Tony said. “Kaden asked him to do that. Leah enjoys teaching, and Kaden taught him. Once Seth knows Leah’s okay, they’ll get back out again. It’ll be a couple of months, I’m sure, as he helps her through the worst of it.”
“Who’s helping Seth through the worst of it?” Kel asked.
“We’ll all have to do that,” Tony said. “He’s going to need our love and support. They both will. And we are sort of Leah’s family. She doesn’t have any biological family that she’s close to. The friends she has here are her family.”
“This place isn’t going to be the same without him,” Marcia said, sounding choked up again. “He was here from the beginning. You two, were, too. You can’t go dying on us now.”
“Believe me,” Kel said. “Not in my game plan.”
“I’m sure it wasn’t in Kade’s, either,” Tony said.
They all went silent again.
“I was working on the class schedule last week,” Marcia said. “I was looking back at some of the old classes to find the description copy for a class write-up and ran across some of Kaden and Leah’s classes. I started crying right there.”
“This is what happens when you love people,” Kel said. “It hurts like fuck to lose them, no matter the cause.”
“Not like there’s an alternative,” Tony said. “I’d rather have a world with my friends, than be completely alone and not have anyone to mourn.”
They all let out nearly identical sighs.
Chapter Fourteen
Marcia couldn’t help but feel on edge today as she pulled into the parking lot at the club. Ever since Loren had asked her on short notice if they could rent the club for this evening, a Sunday, and told her why, she hadn’t been able to shake the thought that a seismic shift was about to occur amongst their friends, maybe as jarring as it had been losing Kaden a couple of years ago.
Tilly. Getting married.
To a guy she’d just met.
Who was Cris’ Master.
Marcia was still trying to wrap her head around that. She’d refused to charge Loren for the use of the club, especially since it was for Tilly, and Derrick had agreed with Marcia’s call there.
But…
Tilly.
Tilly?
Their Tilly?
Married?
Both she and Derrick had given Tilly as much emotional support as their friend would let them in the beginning when Cris had suddenly left her, only leaving a note behind and not even saying good-bye in person.
They’d also both breathed a sigh of relief when, a few months later, Ross and Loren had told them they thought Tilly was through the worst of it, that they didn’t think there was any danger of her killing herself at that point. Marcia and Derrick had also helped quietly spread the word-of-mouth about Tilly’s services as a pro-Domme when Tilly ventured into that career, even though she didn’t ply her trade there at the club.
But…married?
Marcia hadn’t been able to get the full story out of Loren, who promised to get with her later and tell her as much as she was allowed or able to.
And Loren had also promised that, yes, it was as crazy as it seemed on the surface.
Marcia got the door unlocked and the air and lights turned on. Ross and Tony were supposedly going to arrive at any moment with food, cake, decorations, and to take charge of the volunteers Loren had rounded up to help set up everything. Loren had charge of Tilly and would be shepherding her through the day.
Derrick, June, and Mark would also be along shortly to help. And Abbey. A few others. Loren had rattled names off so fast Marcia hadn’t even caught all of them, but the woman had been busy getting everything ready. Kel would be helping with set-up, too, as well as acting as photographer.
What a wild and wacky night this would be.
She heard the outer door open and close. Tony entered the dungeon a moment later, his arms laden with shopping bags.
“Holy crap,” she said. “How much more?”
He dumped it on a table. “Yes,” he said, a wry smile on his face. “Much more is a conservative statement.”
“I’ll come help.”
They met Ross and Gilo walking in—both men’s arms also filled to capacity—as she followed Tony out, and she saw all three men’s vehicles were p
acked with supplies and food.
“Where’s the cake?” Marcia asked.
“Loren bribed one of the bakers at the store to bring it and assemble it here,” Tony said.
“Uh, did she warn them what we do here?” Marcia asked.
“Apparently, she’s a member. And she should be here in about twenty minutes.”
Marcia relaxed. “Well, that’s okay, then.”
Yes, they’d been operating for several years now without any issues. Derrick had even convinced her a website was a good thing, especially when FetLife.com came into existence. But she still didn’t like calling undue attention to themselves or what they did there with the ’nillas, as they called them. Why risk it?
Within an hour, and with the help of what felt like an army of volunteers, they converted their club with instructions given to Ross by Loren the night before, and had what looked like a real wedding ready to go.
If you didn’t look too closely at the bondage furniture over on the far side of the space.
“Not the oddest ceremony we’ve done,” Marcia admitted.
Ross glanced at his phone. “Landry’s on his way.”
“Can I take a swing at the fucker?” Marcia muttered.
“Me, first,” Gilo said, a dark look on his face.
Ross smiled. “Landry’s a nice guy. Loren and I have signed off on him.”
“That’s not who I meant,” Marcia said.
“Me, either,” Gilo echoed.
Tony slung an arm around Marcia’s shoulders. “I love you, Marcia, but I would be paying your husband to hold you back while Ross and I throw down rock-paper-scissors over the honor of doing that first.” He pointed at Gilo. “And I’d…well, damn. I can’t sic Tilly on you today, can I?”
Gilo smirked. “I’m sneaky. I’ll dart to the front of the line to get my hits in before anyone can stop me while you and Ross are arguing over dibs.”
Open Doors [Suncoast Society] (Siren Publishing Sensations) Page 10
