by Lauren Jayne
“You know, Ben, there’s a lot more to people than we can see. We don’t know why people do what they do until we really know them.”
“I see that with you, Lauren.”
After that night, Ben asked me to come home with him after school almost every day. A month or so later we stayed up listening to music and talking way too late, and he asked if I wanted to stay the night.
“What about your mom, won’t she care?”
“Nope, she’s working the night shift at QFC and won’t be home until we leave for school.”
Ben and I went upstairs to brush our teeth; I washed my face and then told him to leave so I could put on my jammies. With a tank and a pair of his boxers rolled over at my waist, I threw on a cardigan, just to make sure we wouldn’t be skin to skin if he sat next to me, even though what I really wanted was to lick him head to toe. Ben asked me to give him a back massage, so I did.
“I love your nails on my back,” he said.
Ben’s back was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen: tan, muscular, but not too buff. He didn’t lift weights, but his body was like Michelangelo’s David, naturally.
Ben rolled over and all of a sudden I was on top of him. He pulled me down to him and my tank went up, and the skin on our bare stomachs touching sent chills through my entire body. I shot up and tried to stand, as he grabbed my hands.
“Don’t go.”
“OK, but Ben, I’m not going to kiss you; I’ve told you that a million times. You can kiss any girl at school. Kiss them.”
“Lauren, I’d rather talk to you than have sex with them any day of the week.”
I was over him, and my hair was falling onto his face.
“Don’t you know I love you, Lor? I’m in love with you, and I can’t even kiss you, do you know how hard that…”
At that moment, I kissed him. Our lips soft, Ben’s teeth gently tugged on my bottom lip, his hands in my hair. He rolled over so he was on top of me and moved my hair from my face.
Leaning down to me, he pushed the hair back from my ear and said in the softest, most sincere voice, “I love you.”
“I love you, too.”
We kissed on his floor until it was time to get ready for school.
Chapter 17
I’m the Biggest Coward
Lying on Mandi’s bed, listening to music, we both jumped when her pink phone, hiding right between us under her sheets, rang.
Mandi handed me the phone.
“Hello,” I said, wondering if it was Ben or Carmen. They were the only two who would hunt me down.
“Lor, it’s Car. Are you busy?”
“No, what’s wrong.”
“I’m OK, just maybe come by or call me when you leave.”
“Come to Mandi’s and pick me up,” I said.
Two minutes later, Carmen pulled up in her VW Bug. When I saw Carmen’s face, I closed the door behind me and asked, “What happened, what’s going on, are you alright?”
“Umm, yeah, I’m OK. It’s been a long, crazy, fucked up week.”
“Start at the beginning,” I said softly.
“Mom and Randy invited me to Whistler with them and Randy’s boys.” She lit a smoke and handed it to me and then lit one for herself. Exhaling, she said. “I had never been away with them, so I was excited; you know I love the boys.”
And Carmen did. Kids swarmed around her like she was covered in lollipops. If a baby was around it was crawling up her leg, and in one second she was on the floor with it making funny faces and noises.
“Everything was going great, and I could hardly believe this was the prick that sent my mom home with a black eye more than a few times. She’d say it was a door, but after two, I’m not stupid,” she said, redoing her ponytail and pulling her hair down to cover her eyes. “We were on day two, and I’d finally just let my guard down. I was lying on my bed reading to the boys when I heard boom, boom, boom! When I opened the door, I saw my mom lying at the bottom of the stairs. She sprung up, and I closed the door. Randy was a big guy, and I wanted to hit him with something, but it happened so fast. Then the boys started to cry so I ran into my room and we hid under the blankets, but the screaming and banging was so loud. I took the boys, one under each arm, grabbed the blanket and my Walkman from the bed, and we went into the closet. I put their heads together and stretched my headphones over their tiny ears, playing The Doors as loudly as I could.”
“I’m so sorry, Car.”
“I’m sorry. I let my mom get the shit kicked out of her and basically just watched.”
“Carmen, you saved the boys from watching another beating. You know my theory: if we see it, we become it, unless we work really hard to undo it. It’s the path of least resistance if that’s all you’ve seen and unless you clear a new path, you’re screwed. Your quick thinking saved the boys from another life-changing, fucked-up memory.”
“You’d never leave. You’d never do it. You’d step in front of that sick mother fucker and stop him or die trying.”
“Carmen, I’m the biggest coward I know.”
Then out of nowhere tears streamed down my face. I had no idea where they were coming from and why I couldn’t stop them. In that moment I felt like my mom; if you tried to tell her anything, the story immediately circled back to her no matter what and then ended with her in tears. That’s why I never ever really cried in front of anyone or shared my own feelings. Hearing and watching her, she seemed so selfish; I needed to be the exact opposite of her in that way. I wiped my tears hard from my face.
“I’m so sorry, Car. I’m here for you, and I’m telling you, you are an angel; you did the right thing.”
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore. What’s got you down? Talk to me, my beautiful girl. Knowing that you need me makes me feel like less of a fuck up. It’s always me needing you. Need me.”
“I always need you, Carmen. Always.”
“Why the tears?” she asked as she tucked my hair behind my ear.
“It was a long time ago. My dad, he’s such a fucking perv, I hate him. My mom sent my friend Carrie and me on a camping trip with him. I don’t know why I didn’t just say ‘Carrie, my dad’s a fucking perv, tell your mom you’re sick, don’t come.’ But I didn’t. In my house, my mom got the floor with her emotions and her words. No one else said anything, and if we did, she’d circle it back to her and go crazy or start sobbing, so I quit talking a long time ago. Carmen, you are the only person that’s ever gotten me to talk. Anyway, I did my best to keep her away from him; I even tried to get us lost so we’d have to sleep in the woods, but she found our way back.”
Hot tears flowed uncontrollably down my cheeks.
“I stepped into the bathroom to brush my teeth; I would have crammed her in with me, but it was tiny. When I came out, I saw a terror in Carrie’s eyes that I’d never seen before. She started to tell me that my dad had come on to her, was touching her. At that moment, Dad came from behind me and pushed me out of the way.”
I looked up at Carmen, and her hand was over her mouth.
“Carmen, all I remember was walking down the metal stairs in bare feet onto the dirt and sitting on the picnic table. I was frozen. I couldn’t move; after that, it’s just darkness. I don’t remember anything else about that trip. Do you know how many times I’ve dreamt of stopping him and saving Carrie? I’ve replayed it in my head a thousand times and each time I stop him. Sometimes he’s bloody, but when I’m awake and think about it, I save her every time; when I’m asleep, he always wins. My dad molested her, maybe raped her, and I did nothing. I am responsible for ruining her life, and I did nothing. It was the worst day of my life, and I would do anything to relive it. I decided after that day that I would rather die than leave one of my people ever again. Death would be so much better than the shit I’ve put myself through for leaving her. But you didn’t leave, Carmen. You saved the boys; you did the right thing. I can never forgive myself, but you, please be proud of what you did. See, I’m the worst fuck up.
I’m the worst.” My eyes stung like someone just sprayed hot salt into them.
Chapter 18
Roller Hill
Before Ben’s mom, Gayle, left for the night shift, she came down to check on me.
“Do you need anything before I go, honey? Are you sure you’re feeling okay? You didn’t go out with the boys?”
“I’m fine, thank you. The boys need boy time, and I need girl time. I’m going to paint my nails and go to bed early.”
“OK, doll, wish I could stay with you. Help yourself, and the store number is on the fridge, so if you need anything, call me, OK? I love you.”
“Love you too. Have a good night at work.”
Crawling onto Ben’s cozy couch, I flipped on the TV. A few hours later I was startled by the phone ringing.
“Hello,” I answered with a sleepy voice.
“Lor, it’s Car.” She was crying and sounded like she was having a hard time catching her breath.
“Carmen, where are you?” I could hear voices and music in the background and Carmen was hysterical.
“Roller Hill.”
Then the line went dead.
Switching on every light in Ben’s room, I stared at the phone. Call back. You have to call back. Starting to panic, I tried to think; I’d been to a million parties on Roller Hill. It was out where no one lived, but there were roads back there, and they’d started to build way in the back, so we’d have parties on the isolated lots and burn all the scrap wood. I started to picture Carmen: bleeding, gang raped by a group of crazy lunatics, and I was her one call, and I was sitting cozy as a bear in Ben’s house. I grabbed my keys and ran out to my car.
I checked the hatchback of my little light blue Honda: no one was hiding back there. With no moon in sight, Natalie Merchant’s voice helped to calm my nerves; I headed into town and out the back roads. Finally, I was at the turn, but then the road had a fork with three possible roads. Turning down my 10,000 Maniacs tape, I had to think and pray. Thank you for leading me down the right path, thank you for leading me to Carmen, thank you for protecting Carmen. I snapped out of my meditative state and rolled down my window a little, needing the fresh air to keep me alert. Just then a big deer stepped in front of my car and scared the life out of me; my heart was in my throat. I hated the dark and feeling lost, and now my adrenaline was pumping so hard, it felt like I was going to have a heart attack right then and there. Snapping out of it, I tried to focus.
Taking the third street, down the big hill and up again like a roller coaster, I saw a glow and followed it back. In a minute, I came upon a roaring fire surrounded by people. I ran from my car, searching for Carmen in the sea of fucked up looking people. This was not my crowd. They all looked high off their asses, dirty and a million miles away. A shirtless, skinny guy with long hair grabbed me around my waist and twirled me around.
Squirming out of his arms, I started to scream, “Carmen, Carmen, has anyone seen Carmen?”
They just looked through me; I wanted to shake them. I kept walking, dust blanketing my thong-covered feet, and headed back in the bushes, following smoke from another fire. Then I saw her. Carmen and Tawni were dancing with each other, touching each other’s faces and smiling. She didn’t realize I was there until I tapped on her bare shoulder.
“Lor, what are you doing here? I love you. Tawni, this is Lauren.”
Tawni walked over to me, wearing a see-through cami and a hippy skirt that was dirty around the bottom.
Grabbing Carmen’s hand, I led her to my car; she was falling and tripping over the people who were having sex in the dirt, with nothing between them and the earth. Then Carmen started to cry again.
“I can’t get in the car,” she whimpered, as she grabbed the side of it and fell into the dirt.
“OK, just let me get you out of here.”
I grabbed a beach towel from my hatchback and threw Carmen’s thin arm over my shoulder, leading her to a quiet clearing surrounded by trees.
“Everything’s spinning, and the trees, they’re melting, and they’re going to take me and…”
Grabbing her hand, I said, “I’m right here, and the trees are beautiful; they’re here to protect you and love you. God’s in them, Car.”
“The breeze, it’s blowing my hair off.”
She grabbed her head, and then her face, and she looked at me.
“You are a real angel, aren’t you? You are my angel.”
“I’m here, Car, and we’ll be OK. I won’t let anything happen to you, I promise.”
She laid her head on my lap and said, “If I’m touching you, they won’t take me.”
A few hours later, I lifted Carmen by her arms, got her into my car and brought her to Ben’s. As I pulled up his steep driveway, I saw Ben running down his front steps. He opened my door and hugged me.
“What happened? I came home early to be with you, and you were gone; you didn’t leave a note.” Then he saw Carmen passed out in the passenger seat.
“I’ll help you bring her in.”
*
Ben was in Chelan for the weekend, so I headed to Carmen’s for a day of swimming. When I pulled up to her apartment, there was a shiny, red sports car in her spot. The door was open, so I walked in.
“I’m back here!” Carmen yelled over MTV, which was on so loud it was distorted.
“Hi, whose car is in your spot?” I said.
“Mine. Well, kind of. I borrowed it for a few days. Isn’t it pretty?”
“What do you mean, borrowed?”
“Well, you know how sometimes we borrow outfits from the mall? We buy them and tuck the tags in for a party and bring them back? I’m doing the same with this car.”
“But it’s not a twenty dollar shirt,” I said.
“Lor, I promise, I know what I’m doing. I have seventy-two hours to bring it back without getting in trouble, OK? Now, let’s go to the beach.”
A few hours later, we ran up to grab some more Diet Cokes and a fresh pack of Marlboro Lights. Carmen listened to her phone messages.
“Carmen, it’s Ben. Hi, this is for Lauren. I miss you. I love you. I’ll call again. Hope you’re around. Bye.”
“Lor, it’s me. I want you, I need you, I miss you. All these girls are stupid. I wish you were here.”
“It’s me again. I’m sure you guys are at the beach. OK, bye.”
Carmen looked at me with a glimmer in her bang-covered eyes.
“What?” I asked, standing in her living room with just my bikini on.
“Let’s go,” she said.
“Go where?”
“Chelan! I love Chelan, and what else are we doing? Let’s go now. It’ll be fun to see the boys again.”
With a few things crammed into a red duffle bag, we headed down to the car.
“No, I won’t go in this car,” I said, laughing but serious.
“We’ll bring it back with time to spare.”
“And with two hundred miles. Nope,” I said.
We drove the car back to the lot, with Big Gulps in the cup holder and gum on the dash. She came out of the office with the salesman.
“Sorry, your parents said no. Be sure to call us the next time you’re in the market for a new car, OK?”
Running down the steps, she waved back with a huge smile, and we transferred from the shiny, red car to a not-so-shiny Toyota. Getting in, I tried to close the door, but it wouldn’t latch. Carmen popped out of her seat and tried to close it.
She took my bent seat belt from behind my shoulder, wrapped it through the car door handle a few times and then buckled me in.
“See, perfect! Let’s go!” she announced proudly.
Before heading out, we stopped for fresh Big Gulps, gum, and cigarettes, and headed towards Cle Elum and out to Blewett Pass. With the wind in our hair and Stevie Nicks blaring “Just like the white winged dove, sings a song, sounds like she’s singing,” we were on our way.
Coming out of the evergreen-covered mountains and onto the straightaway, the
sides of the road quickly went from green to wheat brown. In a zone, we buzzed through the seemingly isolated highway when we heard a siren behind us.
“Shit!” Carmen said, and slowly pulled to the dusty shoulder.
In one second she re-did her ponytail, pulling some hair down around her face, re-applied her lip gloss, and by the time the young officer approached her door, she was photo ready.
“Hello,” she said in her most cheery, accommodating voice.
“Do you know how fast you ladies were going?” he asked.
“I’m sure whatever the speed limit is. Fifty?” like she was on a game show, looking to the host for a clue.
“Try seventy. I’m going to need to see your license and registration.”
“Of course, officer.” And with her best flirty voice, she handed it over, holding on to it just one beat too long, catching his attention.
He looked down at it and said, “Thank you, Tracy.”
I whispered, “Are you kidding? Tracy? What are you doing?” as he was walking back to his car.
“It’s OK, I’ve been doing it for years. Don’t worry,” she said.
We heard his boots crunching back towards her window.
“OK, Tracy, I don’t want to be the one to give you your first ticket, so just slow down, OK? Speed limits are there for a reason, to keep you safe.”
Then he looked down at her with lowered glasses to reveal bright blue eyes and said, “Maybe I’ll see you in town?”
“Sure,” she replied.
She took her license and we headed to Chelan. I was just relieved I’d had enough time to take off my contraption before he came to the door.
Carmen turned up Stevie, “Give to me your leather, take from me my lace.”
“What’s with Tracy, Tracy?”
“My mom gave me my car when I was around thirteen since she pretty much lived with her boyfriend; I was fine to drive. I got pulled over for a burned out head light, and they took me in and found out how old I was. I told them I took my mom’s car, so she didn’t get into huge trouble and lose her job. Now, I’m on probation ‘til I’m eighteen. I’m almost there and then I promise, I’ll be me again.”
