The Gambler
Page 13
I collected and reread my pages. (Who knows, maybe so as to convince myself that I hadn’t written them in the madhouse?) Now I’m all alone. Autumn is coming, the leaves are turning yellow. I’m sitting in this dreary little town (oh, how dreary little German towns are!), and instead of thinking over the next step, I live under the influence of feelings just past, under the influence of fresh memories, under the influence of all this recent whirl, which drew me into that turbulence then, and threw me out of it again somewhere. It still seems to me at times that I’m spinning in the same whirl, and that the storm is about to rush upon me, snatch me up with its wing in passing, and I will again break out of all order and sense of measure, and spin, spin, spin…
However, maybe I’ll settle somehow and stop spinning, if I give myself as precise an account as possible of all that happened this month. I’m drawn to my pen again; and sometimes there’s nothing at all to do in the evenings. Strangely, in order to occupy myself with at least something, I go to the mangy local library and take out the novels of Paul de Kock{11} (in German translation!), which I can barely stand, but I read them and—marvel at myself: it’s as if I’m afraid to spoil the charm of what has only just passed by a serious book or some serious occupation. As if this ugly dream and all the impressions it left behind are so dear to me that I’m even afraid to touch it with something new, lest it vanish in smoke! Is it so dear to me, or what? Yes, of course it is; maybe I’ll remember it even forty years later…
And so, I set about writing. However, all this can now be told partially and more briefly: the impressions are not at all the same…
First, to finish with grandmother. The next day she definitively lost everything. That’s how it had to happen: once that kind of person starts out on this path, then, like sliding down a snowy hill on a sled, it all goes faster and faster. She played all day, until eight o’clock in the evening; I wasn’t present when she played and know it only from hearsay.
Potapych attended her at the vauxhall the whole day. The little Poles who guided grandmother changed several times that day. She started by chasing away the previous day’s little Pole, whose hair she had pulled, and taking another one, but he turned out to be almost worse. Having chased that one away and taken back the first one, who hadn’t left and poked about during the whole time of his banishment right there behind her chair, thrusting his head in every moment—she finally fell into decided despair. The second chased-away little Pole also refused to leave; one stationed himself to her right, the other to her left. They quarreled and abused each other all the time over stakes and strategy, called each other łajdak[50] and other Polish compliments, then made peace again, threw money around without any order, gave directions in vain. When they quarreled, they each staked on his own side, one, for instance, on red, and the other, at the same time, on black. The end was that they got grandmother completely muddled and thrown off, so that she finally turned to the old croupier, all but in tears, asking him to protect her and chase them away. They were, in fact, chased away at once, despite their shouts and protests: they both shouted in unison, trying to prove that grandmother owed them money, that she had deceived them in some way, had acted dishonestly, meanly. Miserable Potapych told it to me in tears, that very evening after they lost, complaining that the Poles had stuffed their pockets with money, that he himself had seen them stealing shamelessly and constantly shoving money into their pockets. One, for instance, would wheedle five friedrichs d’or from grandmother for his labors and straight away stake them on the roulette table next to grandmother’s stakes. Grandmother would win, and he would shout that it was his stake that had won, and grandmother’s had lost. When they were chased out, Potapych stepped forward and reported that they had pockets full of gold. Grandmother at once asked the croupier to take measures, and though both little Poles began squawking (just like two snatched roosters), the police appeared and their pockets were emptied at once in grandmother’s favor. All that day, until she lost everything, grandmother had enjoyed a conspicuous authority with the croupiers and the whole vauxhall administration. Her renown had gradually spread through the town. All the visitors to the spa, from all nations, the ordinary and the most notable, flocked to look at “une vieille comtesse russe tombée en enfance,” who had already lost “several million.”
But grandmother gained very, very little from having rid herself of the two Poles. In their place a third Pole appeared at once to serve her, speaking perfectly pure Russian, dressed like a gentleman, though he smacked of the footman all the same, with enormous mustaches and with gonor.[51] He, too, kissed “the pani’s feet”[52] and “laid himself out at the pani’s feet,” but he treated everyone around him with arrogance, gave despotic orders—in short, he established himself at once not as grandmother’s servant, but as her master. Every moment, with every round, he turned to her and swore terrible oaths that he was a gonorable pan[53] and would not take a kopeck of grandmother’s money. He repeated these oaths so often that she finally became frightened. But since this pan at first actually seemed to improve her play and began to win a little, grandmother herself could no longer part with him. An hour later the two previous little Poles, who had been taken out of the vauxhall, appeared once more behind grandmother’s chair, again offering their services, if only to run errands. Potapych swore by God that the gonorable pan exchanged winks with them and even put something in their hands. Since grandmother had had no dinner and had hardly ever left her chair, one of the Poles actually proved useful: he ran next door to the vauxhall dining room and fetched her a cup of bouillon, and later tea as well. They both went, however. But towards the end of the day, when everybody could see that she was about to lose her last banknote, there were as many as six little Poles standing behind her chair, never seen or heard of before. And by the time grandmother was losing her last coins, they all not only didn’t listen to her, but didn’t even notice her, reached out to the table right over her, grabbed the money themselves, gave orders and placed stakes themselves, argued and shouted, chatted with the gonorable pan in a pan-brotherly way, while the gonorable pan even all but forgot about grandmother’s existence. Even when, having lost everything, grandmother was returning to the hotel at eight o’clock in the evening, three or four little Poles still refused to leave her and ran on both sides of her chair, shouting with all their might and insisting in a quick patter that grandmother had cheated them in some way and had to pay them something. Thus they came right up to the hotel, where, at last, they were driven away.
By Potapych’s reckoning, grandmother lost in that day a total of ninety thousand roubles, besides the money she had lost the day before. All her bonds—the five percent bonds, the state bonds, all the shares she had brought with her—she had cashed one after the other. I marveled at her ability to hold out for the whole seven or eight hours, sitting in her chair and hardly ever leaving the table, but Potapych told me that, on some three occasions, she had actually begun to win heavily, and, borne up by renewed hope, had no longer been able to leave. However, gamblers know how a man can sit almost around the clock in the same place over cards, without taking his eyes off the right one or the left.
Meanwhile, all that day quite decisive things were happening with us in the hotel. In the morning, before eleven o’clock, when grandmother was still at home, our people—that is, the general and des Grieux—resolved upon an ultimate step. Learning that grandmother had no thought of leaving, but, on the contrary, was setting out again for the vauxhall, the whole conclave of them (except for Polina) came to talk things over with her definitively and even openly. The general, trembling and his heart sinking in view of the terrible consequences for him, even overdid it: after half an hour of begging and pleading, and even having openly acknowledged everything, that is, all his debts, and even his passion for Mlle Blanche (he was totally lost), the general suddenly assumed a threatening tone and even began shouting and stamping his feet at grandmother; he shouted that she had disgraced their name, that she
had become a scandal for the whole town, and finally…finally: “You have disgraced the name of Russia, madam!” shouted the general, “and there are police for that!” Grandmother finally drove him out with a stick (a real stick). That morning the general and des Grieux conferred once or twice more, interested precisely in whether it might in fact be possible to use the police. That is, thus and so, the unfortunate but venerable old lady has lost her wits, is gambling away her last money, and so on. In short, mightn’t it be possible to petition for some sort of custody or restriction?…But des Grieux only shrugged his shoulders and laughed in the face of the general, who was now pouring out complete drivel and running up and down the study. Finally, des Grieux waved his hand and disappeared somewhere. In the evening it turned out that he had left the hotel altogether, having first talked things over quite decisively and mysteriously with Mlle Blanche. As for Mlle Blanche, she had taken definitive measures that same morning: she had thrust the general away from her altogether and did not even allow him to come into her presence. When the general ran after her to the vauxhall and met her arm in arm with the little prince, neither she nor Mme la veuve Cominges recognized him. The little prince also did not bow to him. All that day Mlle Blanche probed and worked on the prince, so that he would finally declare himself decisively. But, alas! She was cruelly deceived in counting on the prince! This minor catastrophe took place in the evening; it was suddenly discovered that the prince was naked as a worm, and was counting on borrowing money from her on a promissory note and playing roulette. Blanche indignantly threw him out and locked herself in her room.
That same morning I went to see Mr. Astley, or, better to say, I spent the whole morning looking for Mr. Astley, but couldn’t find him anywhere. He was neither at home, nor in the vauxhall, nor in the park. He did not dine at his hotel that day. Between four and five, I suddenly saw him coming from the railway platform straight to the Hôtel d’Angleterre. He was hurrying and very preoccupied, though it was hard to make out the preoccupation or any sort of perplexity in his face. He offered me his hand affably, with his usual exclamation: “Ah!” but without stopping in the road and continuing on his way at a rather quick pace. I tagged along behind him; but he was somehow able to answer me in such a way that I didn’t manage to ask him about anything. Besides, for some reason I was terribly ashamed to ask about Polina; he didn’t ask a word about her himself. I told him about grandmother; he listened attentively and gravely, and shrugged his shoulders.
“She’ll lose everything,” I observed.
“Oh, yes,” he replied, “she already went to play earlier, as I was leaving, and so I knew for certain that she’d lose. If I have time I’ll stop by the vauxhall to have a look, because it’s curious…”
“Where did you go?” I cried, amazed that I hadn’t asked till then.
“I was in Frankfurt.”
“On business?”
“Yes, on business.”
Well, what more was there for me to ask? However, I was still walking beside him, but he suddenly turned into the Hôtel des Quatre Saisons, which stood on the road, nodded to me, and disappeared. On the way home I gradually realized that, even if I talked with him for two hours, I would learn decidedly nothing, because…I had nothing to ask him! Yes, of course, it was so! There was no way I could now formulate my question.
All that day, Polina either walked in the park with the children and the nanny, or sat at home. She had long been avoiding the general and barely spoke to him, at any rate about anything serious. I had long noticed it. But, knowing the situation the general was in that day, I thought he couldn’t pass her by, that is, it was impossible for there not to be any important family discussions. Nevertheless, when, on returning to the hotel after my conversation with Mr. Astley, I met Polina and the children, her face reflected the most untroubled calm, as if all the family storms had passed by her alone. In response to my bow she nodded her head. I came to my room totally angry.
Of course, after the incident with the Wurmerhelms, I avoided talking with her and never once got together with her. In that I was partly showing off and posturing; but as time went on, real indignation seethed in me more and more. Even if she didn’t love me in the least, it still seemed wrong to trample on my feelings that way and receive my declarations with such contempt. She does know that I truly love her; she herself has allowed, has permitted me to speak that way with her! True, it began somehow strangely with us. Sometime long ago now, a good two months back, I began to notice that she wanted to make me her friend, a confidant, and she was even partly testing me. But for some reason it didn’t get going between us then; and instead it has remained in these present strange relations; that was why I began to speak that way with her. But if she’s repulsed by my love, why not forbid me outright to speak of it?
She doesn’t forbid me; she herself even occasionally initiated a conversation with me, and…of course, did it to make fun of me. I know for certain, I firmly noted it—it was a pleasure for her to listen to me and exacerbate me painfully, to stun me suddenly with a show of the greatest contempt and negligence. And she knows that I can’t live without her. It’s three days now since the story with the baron, and I can no longer bear our separation. When I met her just now near the vauxhall, my heart beat so hard that I turned pale. But she can’t survive without me either! She needs me and—can it be, can it be only as a buffoon Balakirev?{12}
She has a secret—that’s clear! Her conversation with grandmother pricked my heart painfully. A thousand times I’ve invited her to be frank with me, and she knew that I was actually ready to lay down my life for her. But she always got off with near contempt, or, instead of the sacrifice of my life, which I had offered her, demanded escapades from me like that time with the baron! Isn’t it outrageous? Can it be that for her the whole world is in this Frenchman? And Mr. Astley? But here the affair was becoming decidedly incomprehensible, and meanwhile—God, how I suffered!
Having come home, in a fit of rage I seized a pen and scribbled the following:
Polina Alexandrovna, I see clearly that the denouement has come, which will, of course, affect you as well. I repeat for the last time: do you need my life or not? If you need me for anything at all—I am at your disposal, and meanwhile I’ll be sitting in my room, at least most of the time, and won’t go anywhere. If need be—write me or send for me.
I sealed this note and sent it with the floorboy, with orders that he put it directly into her hands. I didn’t expect an answer, but three minutes later the floorboy came back, saying that “the lady sends her greetings.”
Sometime after six I was summoned to the general.
He was in his study and dressed as if he was about to go out. His hat and stick lay on the sofa. I fancied, as I came in, that he was standing in the middle of the room, his legs straddled, his head bowed, saying something aloud to himself. But as soon as he saw me, he rushed to me all but with a shout, so that I involuntarily drew back and was about to run away; but he seized me by both hands and pulled me to the sofa; he sat down on the sofa himself, seated me directly opposite him in an armchair, and, without letting go of my hands, with trembling lips, with tears suddenly glistening on his eyelashes, said to me in a pleading voice:
“Alexei Ivanovich, save me, save me, spare me!”
For a long time I could understand nothing; he kept talking, talking, talking, and kept repeating: “Spare me, spare me!” I finally realized that he expected something like advice from me; or, better to say, abandoned by everybody, anguished and anxious, he had remembered me and summoned me in order to talk, talk, talk.
He had gone crazy, or at any rate was bewildered in the highest degree. He clasped his hands and was ready to throw himself on his knees before me to persuade me to—what do you think?—to go at once to Mlle Blanche and beg her, exhort her to return to him and marry him.
“For pity’s sake, General,” I cried, “it may well be that Mlle Blanche hasn’t noticed me up to now! What can I do?”
“With us, with us,” he began, suddenly boiling over with indignation, “in short, with us, in our well-organized state, where authorities do exist, such old women would immediately be taken into custody! Yes, my dear sir, yes,” he went on, suddenly lapsing into a scolding tone, jumping up and pacing the room, “you still don’t know that, my dear sir,” he turned to some imaginary dear sir in the corner, “so now you’ll learn…yes, sir…with us such old women get tied in a knot, yes, a knot, a knot, sir…oh, devil take it!”
And he threw himself down on the sofa again, but a minute later, all but spluttering, breathless, he hastened to tell me that Mlle Blanche wouldn’t marry him because grandmother had come instead of a telegram, and it was now clear that he would get no inheritance. He thought I still didn’t know any of it. I tried to mention des Grieux; he waved his hand: “Gone! Everything I own is mortgaged to him; I’m naked as a worm! That money you brought…that money—I don’t know how much is left, I think about seven hundred francs, and—enough, sir, that’s it, and beyond that I don’t know, I don’t know, sir!…”
“How are you going to pay for the hotel?” I cried in alarm, “and…then what?”
He glanced around pensively, but didn’t seem to understand, and maybe hadn’t even heard me. I tried to start talking about Polina Alexandrovna, about the children; he hurriedly answered, “Yes! yes!” but at once began talking about the prince again, about the fact that Blanche was now going off with him, and then…“and then…what am I to do, Alexei Ivanovich?” he suddenly turned to me. “I swear to God! What am I to do?—tell me, that’s really ungrateful! isn’t it ungrateful?”