“Did I make a mistake, darling?”
I shook my head. “No, this is so sweet. I love that you’re not only okay with this, but constantly continue to make me feel as though he’s important. Thank you, Rhys.”
He embraced me and lifted my face up to his. “I didn’t mean to make you sad…”
I placed my hand on his cheek and rubbed my thumb over his lips. “I’m not, I promise. Here, let’s place him on the tree.” I put the ornament in the front center of the tree where it could be seen clearly. I hadn’t looked at Aaron’s picture much throughout the last few weeks. I started seeing images in my mind instead, happy ones that I had stored away during my depression. Before, I had used the picture as self-inflicted torture, to remind me of my loss, but Rhys had turned it into something to remember and honor. He was unbelievable.
We added the angel to the top of the tree, one with a tartan skirt to celebrate his Scottish background, and finished up the mantel and stairs. Rhys’ home looked like a winter wonderland, and I’d never seen him so happy. We made hot chocolate, sat on the sofa and admired the tree as we nestled into each other close to the fire. With Christmas music playing in the background, there was no need to add conversation, instead we sat and enjoyed the company and season. Things felt perfect.
Rhys noticed I had fallen asleep on the couch, so he carried me to bed. I awoke as he went upstairs. We changed into pajamas before getting into bed and cuddling. Even though we were exhausted, we left the light on and he held me as he read silently from A Christmas Carol. I fell in and out of sleep every few minutes, not bothered by his voice that had become my personal lullaby, but when he stopped the silence woke me up. I looked up to his face and saw bliss.
He smiled down at me and said, “You make me so happy…I just feel the need to tell you that as often as possible.”
“It’s no secret you make me feel the same,” I whispered back.
“Do you have many secrets?” he pinched his brows.
“No, why do you?” I asked, turning so he could spoon me. His embrace became tight, yet gentle, and I thought I felt his hand trembling for a moment.
“I have one, do you want to know what it is?”
“Hmm,” I mumbled sleepily.
His face was directly behind my head, but he scooted closer pressing his lips to my ear and whispered, “I love you, Ellie.”
Those words should have sounded beautiful coming out of his mouth, just as all his other adorations had, but they didn’t. They scared me, thrilled me, and made me feel as though I’d been sucked into a whirlpool and was drowning. My heart started beating faster, not from excitement, but from nerves and worry over each quiet second that passed without my reciprocation. It was so deadly silent that I could hear his heart breaking. I needed to say something, anything, and kept willing my mouth to speak and explain, but nothing came out.
Rhys noticed I had tensed up and that my breathing was no longer slow and sleepy, but he didn’t say a word. After seconds, or minutes, I’m not sure, I managed to say “Rhys,” and I knew from the flinch of his hand on my waist it wasn’t the word he wanted to hear. He wanted three words attached to his name, and I didn’t give them.
I couldn’t bear the thought of turning around, only imagining what his face would look like. I repeated his name again, “Rhys…” unable to form other words and he squeezed my waist and said, “Darling, it’s all right. You don’t need to feel obligated to say it. Just because I feel it doesn’t mean you have to simultaneously.”
And then I heard it, the sound of both our hearts shattering like mirrors crashing into one another. I could almost feel the cuts forming on my heart, for myself and my silence, and for him because he didn’t do anything wrong. He didn’t deserve that. I finally managed to turn and look at him, only to confirm my uncertainties when I saw his glassy eyes.
He was trying to maintain his composure, digging deep into his acting skills, but I could see through to the Rhys I knew so well. I knew the side he didn’t show anyone else, the vulnerable side that was currently pouring out its soul to me and I wasn’t even attempting to catch it.
I felt the need to explain myself, but it came out awkwardly and none of it made sense. “It’s just…Rhys…I care for you so much…I just—”
He cut me off and kissed my mouth. “Ellie, please don’t worry. I just wanted you to know how I felt. I know you care about me, and now when you say it I’ll know you really mean it and aren’t forcing it back. Let’s go to bed, we’re both unyieldingly tired.”
Rhys turned over before I could reply and shut off the light. I didn’t know if he did this to end the conversation, to mask his disappointment, or both, but I turned around feeling the worst I had in a while and attempted to fall asleep. It eluded me though, and Rhys was still sweet enough to hold me despite how much he was aching. I couldn’t move, hoping he would think I was asleep and turn over so I could feel a little relief, and after a torturous hour, he finally did.
He started snoring lightly, breathing deeper, and that’s how I knew he was actually asleep. He usually held me most of the night when we slept together, but he turned over and I continued tossing and turning throughout the night. I still awoke with the sun, needing to run to get away and think, and I left him a note on the pillow that said I’d be back in an hour. I opted out of including my usual hugs and kisses, worrying that it would feel more like a sting than a sign of affection.
Just being out and getting some space helped, and I ran all the way to Primrose Hill and back completing six miles. My stress melted off my shoulders, but when I returned to his door my heart was still lodged in my throat. It was choking me, taunting and judging me for not giving it to him fully. During my run I decided that I needed to go back, tell him I was going home, and that I needed space to process everything. I didn’t know how to tell him without making the situation worse, and I saw there was no way of avoiding it.
I expected him to be in bed when I went in, but he was in the kitchen making coffee. “Good morning,” I said, attempting to break the ice.
“Morning. How was your run?”
He was acting as if everything was normal, and I wasn’t sure if that made me feel better or worse. The tension in the room was palpable and no matter how much he tried to hide it, I saw the hurt in his eyes.
“Good. I ran six miles.”
“Wow, good. Would you like some breakfast?”
Rhys’ eyes were shaded in dark circles that showed the depth of his exhaustion, proving that apparently he hadn’t slept much either.
“Actually, I have to go. I completely forgot that I’d made plans with Sadie today and I guess in all the excitement and traveling it slipped my mind. I can’t cancel,” I shrugged. “She’s going out of town this weekend until after the new year.” I was lying through my teeth and prayed he couldn’t tell. If he did he didn’t let on, but there was a hint of disappointment in his nod.
“Okay, of course. Don’t cancel. I’ll see you later though?” he asked, hopeful.
“Yeah, we’ll touch base later. I’m going to shower at my place since I’m meeting her nearby. I’ll see you later.” I kissed his mouth quickly, feeling guiltier by the second and with each step I took to the door, I felt awful. I didn’t dare turn around to see his face, knowing the sadness I’d witness in his eyes would kill me.
∞
The next four days passed slowly and miserably. As I walked home, I called Anne, crying, opting to walk in my sweaty clothes and freezing the whole way, just so I could get fresh air and avoid people staring on the Tube. She freaked when she heard me sobbing and calling at four in the morning her time, but I needed to talk to someone. I told her how he’d said those three words and I’d said nothing back. I explained that I had panicked and while I did care for him, I realized it would be the first time I’d say those words to someone that wasn’t Aaron. I only felt worse when I realized that Sunday would have been the anniversary for when Aaron and I started dating. It would have been twel
ve years and I’d forgotten all about it through the distractions of the holidays.
Anne did her best to comfort me, telling me that I needed to go back and explain it to Rhys, and that he would understand. But I couldn’t, not after the way I reacted and abruptly left. I didn’t want him to feel like I could never love him the way I’d love Aaron. I didn’t want him to know that I was afraid and that’s what made me hold back, because I did love him. How could I not?
He was better than I could’ve ever imagined, and he surely didn’t deserve what I did that night or the following morning, yet I did it, selfishly and easily. The disappointment in myself grew heavier and heavier on my chest with each passing hour I spent apart from him, and I made Anne promise not to tell anyone. She seemed let down by my lie to rush away from him, but I couldn’t keep looking at him after displaying the cowardice the night before.
It only complicated things further when I continued making up excuses to avoid him. Sunday night I told him I was really tired and felt as though I was catching a cold. I insisted that I was fine, because he wanted to bring me soup and take care of me, and it only made my guilt claw deeper into my gut.
Then each passing day I told him I was extremely contagious and disgusting, and that I didn’t want him to see me that way. He must have believed me, given up, or figured out what was happening because he didn’t press any further. Instead, every day since Monday he just texted to ask how I was feeling, and he hadn’t dared to repeat the three words that drove me away.
By Wednesday I had to return to Earl for my fitting and it was the first time I’d left the apartment, too afraid to leave and run into him. I wasn’t sure if he still wanted me to attend, but the dress was paid for and I’d rather have had it in case he did want me there. It made me realize that if I wanted to see him and be there, then I did love him. I just needed the chance to tell him, I needed to explain.
I had a small amount of hope that he would still want me by his side, and I didn’t want to abandon him on his big night. He hadn’t abandoned me after all I’d put him through. An uncomfortable apprehension rose in my throat as Earl fitted me into the dress and told me how excited Rhys was the day before when trying on his suit. Was he really still excited to see me in the dress or was it all for the sake of keeping up appearances? Earl didn’t elaborate further and thankfully the fitting went by quickly. The guilt and worry still tormented me on my way home, wrapping themselves around me and my heart to the point that I felt claustrophobic.
Anne had called me on my way home to check in again and yelled at me for continuing to shut Rhys out. She was giving me a particularly long rant about how stupid I was being, and I was silently in agreement.
“Ellie, I swear to god if you let him go, I will kill you. I’ll come to London and murder you Jack the Ripper style. He loves you, you love him, and just because you tell him that doesn’t mean you love Aaron any less. I love you…does that mean I don’t love my Grammy that died four years ago? No! Please call him!”
I didn’t respond for a few seconds as I walked up my stairs, knowing I couldn’t avoid him forever. I knew she was right, that he deserved better, and I started crying on the last flight completely disappointed in myself. At that point, tears had been constant companions since his absence. I had been so distracted by my angst and Anne’s voice I wasn’t ready for the shock of seeing him sitting by my front door. Rhys was on the floor waiting for me and I dropped my phone on the top step. Hearing my self-directed cursing, he looked over at me with solemn eyes. They held an unfamiliar sadness and I hated myself for putting it there.
I picked up my phone and told Anne, “I have to call you back.” She tried apologizing, worried that she had hurt my feelings, but I brushed her off and repeated, “It’s fine. I have to call you back.”
I hung up on her, sure that I’d get an earful later and didn’t move from the top step as we stared at each other. He broke the silence after a few moments of intense looks between us. “I’m glad to see you still went to your fitting. You don’t seem too sick right now, so hopefully you can come Saturday.”
“Rhys…” I said, starting to approach him.
“Was the Sadie story a lie too, or just the illness?” His question and harsh tone caused me to stop in my steps. He was angry, probably more than he was showing, but contained it for me. It wasn’t difficult to notice the internal struggle in his eyes every time he looked up at me from the ground.
“Rhys… I owe you an apology. I haven’t been sick, but I think you know that.”
He looked down at his shoes and nodded, a mixture of sorrow and frustration tensing his features. “Why would you lie to me? You told me not to hold back, which is exactly what I did!” He wasn’t yelling, though his voice rose in volume enough to cause panic within me. “Tell me,” he demanded. “Tell me why you lied? I didn’t ask you to marry me or have my children. I just said I loved you, because I do. I want those things with you, you know, but I’m aware I have to take things slow with you and I thought that’s what I was doing. I just wanted you to know how ardently I care for you.” He shook his head again, staring at his hands in his lap before he looked back up. “I had a feeling you were lying, but tried to think better of you…why did you lie and why are you avoiding me? I want to hear you explain it.”
I took a step forward and then another one back, unsure whether I should sit by him or keep my distance. He was hurting so badly and I was too, all because I’d put up another wall after he had torn them down with nothing but care for me. My stomach was in knots, my hands felt too empty, and then he demanded again, “Ellie, tell me right now.”
“Because I felt guilty that I didn’t say it back, but I love you too!” I shouted. He was looking down, but at my words his eyes shot up and pierced me. He closed his mouth and stared at me, opening it again to speak but I didn’t give him the chance.
“I’m a fool okay? I panicked because I love you. I love you so much it hurts to be away from you, even for a few hours. It makes me dizzy, happy, sometimes even sad; I’m terrified I’ll lose you because part of me thinks the universe is cruel enough to take you away after all I’ve been through, or worse that you’ll leave me, even though you’ve given me no reason to justify that concern.”
I shook my head and laughed at my own foolishness. “The intensity with which I love you frightens me, and I knew I felt the same the second you said it, but fear took over. Saying that to you meant I was putting another piece of Aaron further behind me and it hit me hard. You didn’t deserve that though. You deserve for me to shout it to all of London, because you’ve been nothing but amazing to me since day one. I was just caught off guard.” I paused and looked away as tears brimmed in my eyes.
“You have been such a gift. You’ve brought me back to life. You have made me love again, a defeat that wasn’t easy and a sentiment I believed was lost to me forever. You’ve given me space and time, wiped all my tears. I just made a mistake. But I love you so much and can’t picture my life without you…I just…” He started standing up, tears in his eyes as he approached me.
Rhys tilted my chin up with his index finger, forcing me to look into his eyes. “You love me?” he said, pausing for a doubtful moment. When I didn’t respond he continued to inquire.
“Ellie, it’s okay if you tell me now. I didn’t say it so you would repeat it, so if you’re saying it to make me feel better, don’t. I understand if you need time. I’m sorry I became angry, just don’t push me away, don’t punish me for loving you. But if you say it now, you’ll make me the happiest man alive…” He paused and searched my eyes. “Do you love me?”
I could barely talk and was covered in tears, so I slowly leaned into him and hugged him, nodding into his chest. “Yes,” I mumbled, “I do. I love you…I’m sorry I made you think otherwise, because I love you very much.”
I kept saying it, over and over in hopes that it would erase the foul memory of my withholding. I wanted to rewind and do it again, properly that time and I
was afraid he’d always remember that I didn’t say it back, that I lied. That I acted like an idiot. “I love you, Rhys.”
He grabbed the sides of my face and whispered, “Do you mean it? You’re not just saying it?” His mind was playing tug of war with his heart. He badly wanted me to be sincere, but feared that if I wasn’t he’d be left dissatisfied and empty.
“I’m not just saying it. My head simply needed extra time to catch up. I love you and I want to tell you every second to make up for the hurt I caused you.”
He kissed my mouth hard and possessively, and only after that did he say, “I don’t need to hear anything else but those three words.”
Pulling me closer he held me in a tight embrace in the hallway, only separating for seconds to unlock my door and lead us inside. Once the door was locked behind us, Rhys grabbed me in a deep hold and kissed me like he’d always wanted to. If I thought Rhys’ kisses were passionate before, I had no idea. He pressed his lips against mine as if he was making love to my mouth, the affections varying from soft and slow, to fast and rough. His mouth became welded with mine and his hands fervently gripped my waist as if he feared I would disappear. At one point he kissed me so deliciously, it left me feeling lightheaded and I had to grip his neck and balance myself to continue keeping our mouths connected.
The more I kissed him, the more alive I felt, as though the love in his affection was breathing air into my lungs and pumping blood into my heart. I started crying again, realizing I could have lost this. I could have lost him. Rhys continued to lift his hands up my waist and placed them along my ribs, kneading my skin with desire. He heard my breath hitch and felt my tears touch his cheeks in our close proximity, and parted to see the reason for my lingering sadness.
For Both Are Infinite (Hearts in London Book 1) Page 25
