by Love, Kristy
“Will.” Her voice was a whisper, hardly more than a breath, and her eyes were so focused on me that I felt consumed. I was consumed—by her. I slid my hand around the back of her neck and pulled her closer to me. I could feel her breath against my lips as her chest heaved.
“Ry.” Her eyes fluttered. I could do this. I could kiss her and forget the consequences. All I needed was to feel her lips against mine. “I want to kiss you, Ry. So badly.”
She closed her eyes briefly, relief flashing over her face. “Then do it.”
“What about Jax?”
“I don’t want to think about Jax right now. I want you to kiss me.”
I hesitated. I didn’t want to miss this chance, I may never get the chance to kiss her again, but I couldn’t bring myself to close the distance between us.
Ryanne closed the gap.
It was a ghost of a kiss at first, a gentle brushing of our lips. She pulled away for a second, opening her eyes and staring into mine. That small taste wasn’t enough. With my hand wrapped around the back of her neck, I pulled her up and crashed our lips together again. Pressing her closer, I ran my tongue along her bottom lip. Her tongue darted out, brushing against mine, and I almost lost it on the dance floor, surrounded by most of my classmates as our lips devoured each other. Nothing had ever felt this right. This perfect.
As our lips moved, my anxiety disappeared, completely forgotten in the feel of Ryanne pressed against me and her scent invading me. The music, the people, the decorated gym disappeared and it was just Ryanne and me in this perfect, life-altering moment.
I had ached for her before, but it was worse now that I had her in my arms, tasting her. It was the most bittersweet ache I had ever felt. I couldn’t go back from this. I needed this always.
Ryanne pulled away, her cheeks flushed and her chest heaving against mine. Another curl had worked it’s way free and I tucked it behind her ear. I didn’t want to stop touching her, feeling her. I was afraid if I stopped, the spell would be broken and we’d go back to our carefully crafted roles.
I didn’t want to play mine anymore.
Something caught Ryanne’s attention over my shoulder and panic flitted across her face. She stepped away from me quickly, putting distance between us and completely killing my hopes. I turned and saw Jax glaring at her.
“Ryanne, we can figure something out,” I said, hoping that was true.
“I just need a moment.” She ducked her head and rushed toward the bathroom. Jax turned and followed her, catching her before she made it to the bathroom. She stood with her head down as Jax spoke to her, his hands gesturing around. Lindsey sauntered up behind Jax and rested against his back, smirking at Ryanne. Part of my heart broke in that moment, the only part of my heart that was left to be broken.
I realized that Ryanne and I could never work. I wasn’t good enough for her. I wasn’t a whole person and I couldn’t offer her a whole heart. Mine was shattered, crushed, and broken. It was in so many pieces that I wasn’t sure it could ever be repaired. Ryanne deserved someone who could offer her the world. I could only offer her myself.
And there was nothing worthwhile about me.
Suddenly, the room was too hot and the walls were closing in around me. I was dizzy and the room was spinning. I needed to get out of this gym now.
Pushing through bodies, the panic overtook me. I couldn’t find a way out of this never-ending maze of bodies. When I finally pushed my way off the dance floor, I fell onto my hands and knees. I pushed myself up and yanked on my tie, needing to get the pressure off my throat. God, when did it get so hot in here? Did they pump all the air from the room?
In front of me, I saw one of the side doors to the gym and I ran to it, still grabbing at my tie. Why couldn’t I get it off? I crashed through the door and finally yanked my tie free, then undid a few buttons on my shirt. I doubled over, my hands on my knees, gulping air into my lungs.
I was just beginning to calm down when I saw Jax and Ryanne around the corner. Jax had Ryanne’s arm in his hand, keeping her from leaving. “Fucking hell, Ryanne. I’ve told you over and over and over to leave him the fuck alone. He doesn’t need your drama, okay? He’s struggling enough as it is.”
“He’s able to make his own decisions, Jax. I don’t know why you think you need to protect him.” She tried to yank her arm from his grip, but instead of freeing herself, Jax grabbed her other arm and shook her.
“His own decisions? The kid can barely get out of bed in the morning. He has a panic attack at least once a day in school. Lindsey told me he had to leave class because he couldn’t breathe the other day. Could you handle that, Ry? Could you handle someone so broken? He needs help, a lot of help, and he doesn’t need to be dragged down by your bullshit.”
My best friend thought I wasn’t good enough for his sister. My brokenness was on display for the world. I thought I had been able to hide it, but I had been lying to myself.
I was always lying to myself.
I turned and ran, tears burning my eyes. My suit jacket flapped around me. I heard Jax and Ryanne calling me, but I couldn’t stop. The panic had taken root and I needed to run. I needed the muscle burning that could only be provided from running.
I ran into the woods that bordered the school. There was a path I ran and I knew it well, hopefully well enough to navigate it at night. I stumbled over some roots, but I didn’t stop. I couldn’t stop. Jax’s words had ripped me open. I couldn’t be the reason that they lost each other.
I wouldn’t be responsible for destroying two families.
As I ran, memories floated through my mind. I saw my mom and dad laughing at the dining room table over dinner. The way we would hold hands as we prayed over each meal. I remembered my mom hugging me and kissing my temple before bed every night. It didn’t matter that I was taller than her; she would grab my cheeks and pull my head down so she could plant a kiss. My dad would slap my back when he was proud of me. I remembered the way my mom would always have chalk dust across her forehead from writing on the chalkboard during lessons and brushing her hair out of her face.
I had killed them. I had destroyed their happy, loving existence.
I was lying in a hospital bed as my head was being stitched. They told me I was lucky to be alive and that the crash should have killed all of us, but my friend and I were lucky. I kept asking about my parents and no one answered. Alcohol was still in my system, making the world fuzzy and my mouth dry. Most of it had worn off, but I still felt it. Or maybe it was from the trauma. The way they kept saying trauma made my insides freeze. I didn’t like the way they looked at me as they spoke. I only wanted to know if my parents were okay. Why couldn’t they just tell me if they were okay? Every time I asked, they kept saying that I had been through enough trauma for the evening and I needed to focus on making sure I was okay.
But who was making sure they were okay?
The next day, a nurse, doctor, and social worker filed into my hospital room. The nurse came to the side of my bed and grabbed my hand, holding it and rubbing it with her other hand. The doctor stood at the foot of my bed and the social worker took a seat in the chair by my bed. Dread filled my stomach and turned until I feared I would be sick.
“Will, we have some news to tell you,” the doctor said. My body was frozen with fear. I couldn’t respond or look away from the sadness in their eyes. “Your parents didn’t make it. We did everything we could to save them, but their injuries were too severe.” He cleared his throat and looked at the social worker.
“No,” I croaked out. They had to have the wrong person. My parents were fine.
“I’m so sorry, Will. Is there anyone we can contact for you?” the social worker asked. My heart broke and tears burned trails down my cheeks.
My world crashed down around me. My parents were dead and it was my fault.
As the memory assaulted me, I bent over, my hands on my knees. I heaved until all the punch that I had consumed at the dance splashed the ground and my shoes
. They were ruined, just like my life. God, my parents. I missed them so much.
I ran out of the woods and onto the asphalt. My shoes killed my feet, but I didn’t care; I kept running. Usually, I could outrun my feelings, but they were getting more intense and harder to ignore with every step. When I finally reached Aunt Liv’s, I had to drag myself through the front door and up the stairs. Thankfully, she was at work, so she wouldn’t see me.
No one should see me in this state.
By the time I reached the top of the steps, I was crawling and crying so hard I couldn’t breathe or see. A night that should have been so amazing had turned into a disaster. I guessed that was what I got for wanting something that I didn’t deserve. I didn’t deserve happiness or love or forgiveness. I didn’t deserve anything.
I went into the bathroom, needing to wash the night off me. I pulled myself up on the bathroom sink and quickly stripped out of my clothes, shoving them in the small trash can next to the toilet. I crammed my shoes in with it. I never wanted to see them again. I turned the shower on and waited, though I had no idea why. The run hadn’t helped the way it normally did. There was no relief from this kind of grief, pain, and guilt.
I saw my razor on the counter. Picking it up, I dragged it against my arm, hissing through my teeth at the pain then watching as the blood dripped into the sink. I turned the water on, letting the blood swirl down the drain. As the blood trickled over my arm and into the sink, I felt like I was outside my body. The pain was gone, it was contained in the blood going down the drain. My anxiety and guilt lessened the longer I looked at it.
No expectations.
No rules.
No pain.
No disappointment.
Nothing but the blood in the sink.
I gripped the razor tighter. I brought my arm up and dragged the blade across my arm again. Blood quickly dripped into the sink and I sighed. For the first time in months, I felt like I could go on, like the pain was slowly bleeding out of my body and I could breathe.
I watched my arm bleed for a few more minutes as the pain and guilt and disappointment left my body, then I stepped in the shower and washed the rest of the awful night off my body. When I was done in the shower, I put antibiotic ointment on my arm and a bandage. I felt different, changed, like I could control this.
Instead of being the one who things happened to, I was able to do what I needed to do to feel better.
Ryanne
IT HAD BEEN THE MOST amazing kiss I had ever experienced. I’d felt so much in those few short moments that I thought my heart would explode. I was essentially putty in Will’s hands. Everything he’d said and done convinced me that we could be something really special together.
As I’d pulled away from Will, I was going to tell him everything I was feeling and thinking. I was going to tell him that I was his, that he didn’t even need to ask, but before I could get a single word out, I saw Jax glaring at me over Will’s shoulder and reality crashed around me. Will was still Jax’s best friend and I couldn’t be selfish and ruin that friendship. I cared about Will too much to put my feelings above his needs. And I was worried about Jax. He had other friends, but he wasn’t close to any of them the way he was with Will. Even though the two of them seemed opposites in so many ways, they complemented each other.
God, I couldn’t get between the two of them.
I’d fought back tears as my heart cracked in my chest. It hurt in ways I had never experienced. I’d pushed my way through the crowd but before I was able to slip into the bathroom, Jax had caught up with me. He’d told me I was selfish for putting my feelings ahead of what Will needed. He’d told me how hard it seemed to be for Will and I’d felt even shittier. The kiss had been amazing, but obviously he was still struggling, and any relationship that developed between the two of us would make it harder for him. Relationships were hard and he needed safety, not risk.
I’d needed to get away. I’d escaped outside but, of course, Jax had caught up to me and started yelling at me again. We hadn’t noticed Will standing there. He’d heard everything we’d said and my heart broke. The look on his face when we finally noticed him was full of pain. Before either of us could get another word out, he ran. Jax cursed under his breath and yelled after him. I’d started after Will, wanting to comfort him, but Jax stopped me.
“Let’s go to my truck. He’s fast as fuck when he’s running, so we’ll have better luck catching up to him if we drive.” I’d nodded and we ran for his truck.
After driving around for fifteen minutes, Jax headed toward home. “He probably went back to Liv’s place.” We drove in silence, sick with worry about Will, but before we got back home, Lindsey started calling. She called over and over. There was hardly a pause between calls.
“Do you think you need to get that?”
“No, I’ll talk to her later.” He looked over at me. “First, we need to find Will. That shit he heard…” Jax trailed off, his voice tight with emotion. “I should have paid attention before I went off on you. I’m sorry, Ry. I just know something is up. He tries to hide it, but I can see how much pain and sadness hides behind his eyes and I don’t care if that’s a girl thing to say.”
I put my hand on Jax’s arm. “It’s not a girl thing to say, Jax. It shows that you care about him. There’s nothing wrong with feeling.”
“I worry about him, you know? Most days, he seems like he’s barely holding on. And he’s always fucking running. I see him run before we leave for school and then he goes again when we get home from school and then again at night.” He was quiet for a moment.
When I thought about what he said, I realized that I had noticed Will running more lately. His runs had gone from once a day to twice a day, and in recent weeks he always seemed to be running. I wondered what he was running from.
“I shouldn’t be telling you what to do with Will. It’s none of my fucking business.” Jax shoved a hand through his hair. “But how can he handle the pressure of a girlfriend when he seems to be drowning in life?”
“I’m worried about him too. I can back off. Him being okay is more important than anything.”
“That’s the thing, I saw the way he was with you tonight before everything went shitty. He was happy. He seemed like he was doing okay, and that was the first time I’ve ever seen him around that many people where he didn’t look like he was going to vomit. Maybe you are good for him.”
“I don’t think it’s something either of us can answer. Let’s just find him. We can figure out the rest of this later, okay?”
“Yeah.” He pulled into the driveway and got out of his truck. We both rushed over and rang the doorbell at Liv’s. No one answered. “Do you think maybe he hasn’t made it home yet?”
“I don’t know. Call him.”
Jax pulled his phone from his pocket and dialed Will. No answer. “Should we go drive around and look for him?”
“I have no idea what to do. Maybe he just needs time.”
“Yeah, maybe.” Jax ran his hand through his hair. “We can go get your car tomorrow, okay? I’m not in the mood to get it tonight.”
“No problem.” We walked back home, though I kept looking over my shoulder hoping that Will would open the door.
He never did.
“He didn’t show up at school today?” I asked Jax.
We had both tried to get in touch with Will all weekend, but we weren’t able to. When Jax went over and talked to Liv, she said he wasn’t feeling well and was lying down. I was going out of my mind with worry. I wanted to talk to him and make sure he was okay, but he was avoiding us.
“No. I texted him a few times, but he never replied. I even called him. No answer.”
“Do you think he’s mad at us?”
“How the fuck should I know?”
I sighed. “I’ll call Liv and see how he’s doing.” I fished my phone out of my pocket and called her. She answered after a couple rings.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Liv.”
“I’m okay. I was calling about Will.”
“What about him?”
“I was just wondering if he’s okay. Jax said he didn’t go to school today.”
“Oh.” She paused. I wondered what was wrong that she wasn’t saying anything. “He hasn’t felt good all weekend, so he stayed home. I think he’ll be in school tomorrow.”
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m not sure. He wasn’t really specific about what was bugging him. I think he just needed a couple days of down time, you know?”
“Yeah.” We got off the phone a few minutes later. I told Jax what she said and we both decided to give Will some time. It seemed he needed it.
Later that night, I was in my room, sitting on the little bench in front of my window and staring outside. I was supposed to be working on a paper, but my thoughts were too scattered to form coherent thoughts. Will turned onto our street, running yet again. I watched until he was out of sight, my chest aching the entire time. My fingers rested on my lips, feeling the ghost of his lips against mine. Anytime I thought about the kiss, my lips tingled and it felt like he was right there with me.
Except he wasn’t.
I stared at the empty street for a few minutes, then went back to working on my paper. I kept getting up and going back to the window, hoping to catch a glimpse of Will. Finally, I took my laptop to the bench and sat there, but instead of looking at my screen, I stared out the window. I didn’t like that he was running at night. There were too many potential dangers.
I was engrossed in my paper when I saw him out of the corner of my eye. I looked at the clock to see how long he was gone—two hours. It was almost midnight. Rushing to my window, I saw him stretching in his driveway. I wished he would tell me what he was running from so I could help him. Maybe if he talked about what was eating him up inside, he’d start to feel better.
