by Love, Kristy
I kissed him again, tenderly, pouring all my feelings into the kiss, hoping he would understand me.
I kissed him for every minute I had wanted to kiss him but refrained.
I kissed him for every moment of the last few weeks where he had been hurt because of my actions.
I wrapped my arms around him and ran my hand up his neck to the base of his skull, touching his hair as my tongue danced along his lip. He opened up and the kiss deepened, his soft lips responding to mine. His hands moved so they were on my body, one in my hair and one on my lower back as he pulled me to him.
I was lost in him completely.
My entire body was on fire. With every brush of his tongue, I felt myself being broken apart and put back together. I ran my fingers through his hair, holding him closer to me. His fingers brushed over the skin that was exposed on my back and I tingled with the contact. I hoped this kiss would ease his pain and repair the damage I had done to the both of us. I needed this kiss to ease my own pain.
Will pulled away and his eyes were full of pain and tears, telling me that he was still tormented.
“I can’t do this again, Ryanne,” he said, his voice cracking.
“I’m sorry, Will. I’m sorry I hurt you.”
“This wouldn’t work. I’m too broken.”
“You aren’t broken—”
“I have to go.”
He turned and ran from the room. I ran after him, screaming his name, but he was down the stairs and out the front door before I could catch up to him. The pain from my heart shattering was unbearable. I rushed back to my room and slammed the door, pressing my back against it and slid down to the floor, sobbing as I came apart.
Will
I LEANED OVER THE SINk in the bathroom and heaved, my body covered in sweat and tears. I had vomited up everything, but my body kept trying to empty itself. I was empty of everything but pain.
God, everything was messed up.
I hadn’t wanted to go to the party, but Aunt Liv talked me into it. Jax seemed relieved when I asked him to hang out since I’d been avoiding him for so long. It was nice spending time with him again. It almost felt like it had before the dance.
Almost.
His words floated through my mind and no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t forget his anger at Ryanne for the kiss. I tried to enjoy being out of the house, but it was hard.
Everything was hard lately.
As I’d danced with Ry, I got caught up in the moment. All the things I’d felt at homecoming were coming back and I wanted to touch her, be close to her. I’d let myself get lost in the feel of her and before I knew it I was in her bedroom and she was kissing me. I’d wanted to pull her closer and closer until we were joined. She’d made me forget the guilt and the pain.
She’d made it okay.
I’d heard her sighs and felt her hands wrapped in my hair.
Feeling her…
Tasting her…
Smelling her…
It was almost better than the relief the blade brought me.
Almost.
I’d pulled away from her, remembering how awful the last kiss had ended. Ryanne had tried to justify why she’d kissed me, but I couldn’t listen. My heart hurt too much already and I couldn’t face rejection again. I felt too much for her.
So I ran.
I ran from her.
I ran from the house.
I ran from Jax.
I ran from all the reminders that showed me everything I couldn’t have because of how broken I was.
My mind spun in circles, trying to make sense of my racing thoughts. The pain was unbearable. I paced the bathroom, shoving my hands through my hair. The pain from yanking at my hair provided a little relief, but I needed more. I needed pain and blood and the momentary peace brought on by the blade.
I picked up the razor and dragged it across my skin. When I saw the blood, my frantic heart slowed a bit. I hated that I relied on this, but I didn’t know how to stop. I made a few more cuts. The blood fell and swirled with the water before going down the drain and my mind cleared. I became numb.
When the blood stopped flowing, I cleaned and bandaged my arm, then went and laid down in bed, letting the darkness overtake me.
In school on Monday, Jax cornered me. My time for avoiding him was over.
“What’s the deal?”
“There is no deal.” I looked everywhere but at him.
“Why are you avoiding me?”
“I’m not.”
“Bullshit.”
“I just needed some space, okay?”
“Fine. What happened between you and Ryanne? She’s been crying almost nonstop since Friday.”
That hurt. Knowing that she was upset killed me. The last person I wanted to hurt was Ryanne. “Nothing happened.”
“Then maybe you need to stop being an asshole and start coming around again.”
I ran my finger along a scab on my arm. Even through my shirt, the pain brought a little bit of relief. “You told me to stay away from her and I’ve been doing my best to do that.”
He pushed a hand through his hair and turned around. He sighed heavily before facing me again. “I know I said that, but I’ve seen you guys and I’ve changed my mind.”
“Thank you for finally granting me permission to have feelings.”
“Fuck.” Jax yanked on his hair, visibly upset. “I’m not telling you what to do. I shouldn’t have done that shit to begin with, but it’s hard. She’s my sister and basically the only family I have, and you’re my best friend. It’s kind of strange.”
“Can I go now? I have class.”
“Listen, give Ry a chance. She cares a lot about you and I know you care about her.”
“I’ll think about it.”
“That’s all I’m asking.”
I turned and went to class. I had no intentions of going near Ryanne. That line of thought was incredibly dangerous. I was barely keeping my head above water. Most days I felt like I was on the bottom of the ocean with coldness seeping into my bones and the unbearable weight pressing me into the sand. I wasn’t in a position to offer anything to Ryanne. She deserved someone better, someone who could offer her things I could never offer her.
Even with Jax’s so-called blessing, I worried about what would happen when Ryanne and I broke up. A breakup was inevitable, so it seemed pointless to even try. It would be devastating going from having everything I wanted most, only to have it ripped away from me. These last few weeks without them had been terrible.
I couldn’t imagine losing them both forever.
Over the next couple weeks, I continued avoiding Ryanne and I tried to avoid Jax. I talked to him when we had the same class and I went back to lunch, but other than that I wasn’t around him. I hated that I had lost my friend, but I didn’t want to be pitied. I wasn’t sure what I wanted anymore.
I was on autopilot, going to class, doing homework, sleeping, running, and cutting. Though I felt like my life was pointless, I couldn’t seem to gather the courage to end it. Fear of God? I wasn’t sure. I just couldn’t do it.
I was in my room, sitting in my beanbag, playing video games when Aunt Liv walked in. “Hey, Will.” She sat on my bed.
“What’s up?”
“I’m worried about you. You seem to be disconnecting again.”
“I’m fine.”
“You keep saying you’re fine, but I don’t believe it. You never hang out with Jax anymore. You’re always alone in your room. What’s going on?”
“Nothing, I promise. I’m fine.” I lifted my arm to run my hand through my hair and Aunt Liv’s eyes widened as she gasped.
The cut.
My sleeve was pushed up slightly, revealing one of the cuts I had made that morning. My heart sank and I quickly pulled my sleeve down.
“What is that, Will?”
I tried my hardest to keep my features calm and unaffected. She couldn’t know about this. She would freak out and take away the only thing tha
t was allowing me to breathe. “I was running through the woods this morning and I tripped. I cut my arm on a stick.”
She studied my face like she was trying to decide if I was lying and I held my breath, hoping with everything in me that she couldn’t tell.
Please, don’t let her know I lied.
Please, don’t let her know I lied.
Please don’t let her know I lied.
She sat and stared at me for several long moments. My heart pounded in my chest and panic froze me to the spot. I knew what a deer that was caught in headlights felt. Not a single part of my body would move, though I saw the car racing full speed at me.
“Okay,” she finally said. “Just be more careful when you’re out running. I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“Sure, Aunt Liv. No problem.”
She stood and came over, bending slightly to pat my shoulder. “I’m here for you, Will.” She smiled.
“I know.”
She left and I sagged in my chair, relieved that I had survived that. I felt another anxiety attack coming on, so I quickly went into the bathroom. Yanking up my sleeve, I made a few cuts and sighed with relief.
My life was in a dangerous tailspin and I wasn’t sure how much longer I could keep it up. There was no way I could keep hiding this from Aunt Liv. I had fooled her this once, but next time I wouldn’t be so lucky. I wasn’t sure what she would do if she caught me. Would she lock me up? Send me away? I didn’t want to find out.
I cleaned the cuts and pulled my sleeves down, then went back to my bedroom to play video games as though my life didn’t hang in the balance.
Ryanne
THANKSGIVING DAY, AND MY DAD was still home. I had no idea how he’d managed to stay home for an entire month, but he was, though he still wasn’t spending any time with us. Every available second was spent in the office, but he slept at the house. Other than telling me to buy the food necessary for Thanksgiving, I hadn’t spoken to him since the day of Jax’s birthday party. I had no idea what was going on with him and why he was home, so I was just riding it out until he left again.
But something wasn’t right.
I was in the kitchen peeling potatoes for Thanksgiving dinner. My dad was up in his room and Jax was sitting at the island in the kitchen, texting someone. I jerked my head up when I heard a loud crash come from upstairs. I glanced at Jax and he shrugged, then hopped off the stool and made his way upstairs. When I heard more things crash, I ran up the stairs behind Jax. He was standing in the doorway of our dad’s room. Looking over his shoulder, I saw my dad pulling things from his closet and throwing them around the room.
“Dad?” I asked, wondering what in the hell was going on.
“Leave me alone, Ryanne.” His voice was harsh.
“Are you okay?”
“I said leave me the fuck alone, Ryanne!” He picked up a box and threw it. Reaching back up into the closet, he found a picture and threw it across the room, glass exploding everywhere. Jax put his arm around me, shut the door, and led me downstairs.
“What do you think is going on?” I asked. My body trembled and I rubbed my hands up and down my arms even though I wasn’t cold.
“I don’t know.”
Picking up the potato peeler, I went back to preparing dinner. My heart wasn’t in it before, but now I wanted to give up on the whole thing. I wasn’t sure what we were going to be thankful for this year. We were living and had all the necessities, but our dad didn’t give a shit about us, Jax had lost his best friend and it was my fault, and the only person I wanted to be with was pretending like I didn’t exist.
There wasn’t much I was thankful for.
Dinner was over and the dishes were cleaned. Jax and I ate at the table in the dining room while Dad opted to eat up in his bedroom. It was hard to pretend like everything was normal, so we ate in almost complete silence. Jax helped me clean up and put away the leftovers, then we went into the living room to watch a movie. We were only a few minutes into it when Jax got a call.
“Hello?” Whatever the person on the other end said caused his brows to furrow. “I’m not sure. I mean, I’ve talked to him some, but not a lot. He doesn’t really come around anymore.” His face blanched and his eyes shot up to mine. “I wish I could help, Liv, but he doesn’t seem to want to have anything to do with me.” He pressed his lips together until they formed a line. “If you need anything I’m here, okay? Just let me know.” After listening for a few minutes, he hung up and shoved a hand through his hair. “Shit.”
“What?” My stomach twisted and I felt like I was going to be sick.
“That was Liv. Will hasn’t left his room in two days, other than to go to the bathroom. He hasn’t even been running.” I rubbed my chest because it hurt in a way I didn’t know how to deal with. “He’s not playing video games or reading or even playing music. He’s just been lying in bed with the lights off. She took him dinner tonight in bed, but he still hasn’t eaten it.”
“What is she going to do?” I wanted to run to Will’s, take him in my arms, and undo the damage that had been done.
“She called me to ask if something happened at school or if I knew anything. Of course, I know nothing, but she’s worried out of her mind. I don’t know what to do.”
“Is there anything you want me to do?”
Jax shook his head. “I shouldn’t have gotten between the two of you. I was just so afraid this was going to be the result and it ended up happening anyway.”
“There was no way you could have known. You thought you were protecting him.”
Jax ran his hands through his hair, then put his face in his palms. “It wasn’t my fucking job to protect him. It was my job to be a good friend and support him no matter what, you know?” He cursed under his breath and looked up. His eyes were full of pain and regret. “I was a shitty friend to him and now he’s spiraling out of control.”
I got up and sat next to him, putting my arm around him. “He was damaged before, Jax. He lost his parents and had to leave his home and his entire way of living has changed. You can’t blame yourself for that.”
“He seemed to be doing okay. He liked hanging out with me and he was falling hard for you.” My heart twisted and dropped at the mention of Will falling for me. I closed my eyes to try and keep the pain of that at bay. There was no way I could deal with this right now and give Jax the support he needed. “This is all just fucked up.”
“Why don’t you call him and invite him out? School is out for a couple more days. Take him to a movie or something.”
“Yeah, that’s a good idea.” Jax looked down at his phone, sending a text to Will I assumed. When he sent it, he held his phone in his hand and looked at me. “Can we keep watching this until I hear back from him?”
“Sure.” I pressed play and we sat in heavy silence through the length of the movie, both thinking about Will. Jax checked his phone every few seconds. I hated that it had gotten to this point. The kisses I shared with Will were the best I had ever experienced, but I’d take them back if it meant Will would be okay.
Dad and Jax had been in his room all day cleaning up the wreckage as I wandered around the house, restless. Since Jax had texted Will the day before, he still hadn’t heard from him. He’d tried calling, but Will wouldn’t answer. Dread knotted my stomach and made it hard to function.
They had been cleaning Dad’s room for almost twelve hours. I was in my room trying to distract myself when Jax came in and collapsed on my bed, his hair wet from the shower.
“Damn, that was a pain.” He rubbed his eyes.
“I’m sure. What was all that shit?”
“He tried to keep it hidden from me, though I have no idea how in the fuck he was going to accomplish that since I was the one cleaning the shit up, but it was some of Mom’s stuff that she left behind.”
“Really?” I had no idea we even had any of her stuff. I had never seen a picture of her or any trace of her existence.
“Yeah. There were pictures o
f them with you when you were a baby and me when I was a baby,” he said. He rolled over and propped his head up on his hand. “What I found really weird was there were no pictures of their wedding.”
“Maybe she took them with her.”
He scoffed. “I doubt it. Why would she take pictures of a wedding that didn’t last over pictures of her kids?”
“How the fuck should I know, Jax? She’s not exactly around to ask, is she?”
“True that.” He rolled off the bed and stretched. “I’m exhausted. I’m going to bed.”
“Have you heard from Will?” I held my breath, afraid of the answer.
He shook his head. “No, I haven’t heard from him, but I will let you know as soon as I do. Night.”
He left me alone with my unease.
Will
THE NIGHTMARES WERE GETTING WORSE.
Every time I closed my eyes, I saw their bodies in the car, my dad’s eyes as the light slowly dripped from them, the blood all over my mom. I smelled the blood and gasoline and felt the bitter cold.
I couldn’t get warm.
In two shirts, a sweatshirt, sweatpants, thick socks, and a heavy blanket, I still shook from the cold that haunted me.
I didn’t have school since it was Thanksgiving break which was good because I physically couldn’t pretend anymore. I couldn’t pretend I was fine and go about my day. Instead, I collapsed into bed and other than going to the bathroom to cut, I didn’t leave it.
I couldn’t sleep.
I couldn’t eat.
I couldn’t concentrate.
I could barely breathe.
The fact that my parents weren’t here for Thanksgiving killed me. Then I realized I had to spend Christmas without them and my birthday and Easter….the loneliness choked me. I was so alone and cold and empty and guilty. God, the guilt. The guilt had become a permanent companion, and I wasn’t sure what I would ever do without it. It chained itself to my ankle and slowly dragged me to the bottom of the ocean. I couldn’t stop it. I felt like I was dying and I knew I deserved it.
