by Love, Kristy
I had never heard him talk this much. I enjoyed listening to him and watching him be so animated. The Will who had gone into the hospital had been quiet and serious. The Will who came out of the hospital was happier and more relaxed. I was so relieved. I was glad he had gotten the help he had needed.
Both boxes of candy were gone and we had made a decent dent in the popcorn by the time the lights dimmed and the previews started. As much as I wanted to be close to Will, I was terrified about this movie. Would I be able to sleep tonight? Or for the next week? I took a deep breath and tried to mentally prepare myself.
By the time the previews were over, I was gripping the armrests like my life depended on it. Why did the previews have to be so scary? Wasn’t it enough that the movie was going to scare me shitless? The creepy previews were complete overkill. Will was casually munching on popcorn while the candy swirled in my stomach. God, the movie hadn’t even started and I was ready to bolt. I wondered how Will was able to watch horror movies without them affecting him. There was no way he was allowed to watch them when he lived with his parents, so why was he totally fine while I was a complete mess?
I decided it would be best to try and distract myself, so I shoved handfuls of popcorn in my mouth and studied the bucket on my lap. It was impossible to make out any details, but it was better than watching the screen. I didn’t want to look like a wimp, so I controlled the urge to jump and scream every time something popped up on the screen, but I was having a hard time. I had just grabbed a handful of popcorn when the girl in the movie turned the corner and was met with the killer, causing me to scream and toss my popcorn in the air. Will chuckled and put his hand on my knee.
I forgot about the movie.
All I could think about was the heat coming from his palm and how he was actually touching me.
He tapped his fingers on my leg causing me to look up at him. When our eyes met, he smiled and leaned closer, pressing against the armrest separating us. Now I really couldn’t concentrate on the movie, but I didn’t want to spend the rest of the movie looking like a creep by staring at him, so I turned my attention back to the screen. Within seconds, I jumped and screamed again. Will laughed and moved his hand from my knee and put his arm across my shoulders. He took his free hand and held mine, running his thumb over the back of it. The next time something made me jump, Will pushed the armrest up and I scooted closer to him, burying my head against his chest. He put his arm back around me and held my hand. My heart was racing, but now from being so close to Will, not because of the movie. I closed my eyes and inhaled his scent, relaxing. I smiled against his chest as I heard his own heart racing. He wasn’t as unaffected as he liked to pretend.
When the movie was over, I reluctantly untangled myself from Will. He gathered our garbage and we exited the theater. Every noise caused me to jump and my heart to race.
Damn that movie.
Then I remembered the way it felt to be held by Will.
Loved that movie.
I was a mess of contradictions. From drinking my large drink, I had to pee, but I was terrified to go in the women’s room by myself. “I have to go to the bathroom,” I said, looking longingly at the bathroom.
“So go.”
I leaned into his side. “I’m scared.”
“There’s nothing to be scared of, Ry.” He kissed the side of my head. “I’ll wait outside and beat up anyone who wants to hurt you.”
I smiled. There was no way I was going to be able to avoid my feelings for Will much longer. “Okay. I’ll be right back.” After finishing in the bathroom, I hurried out to Will and pressed myself into his side.
He put his arm around me. “I take it you didn’t like the movie.”
“I wouldn’t go that far. It just scared the shit out of me.”
He chuckled. “I couldn’t tell. In fact, I think everyone in that theater would be surprised to know you were scared, especially the people in front of us who got at least three popcorn showers.”
“Shut up.” I tried to be upset, but I smiled.
God.
I really, really liked being around him.
When we got back to my house, Will walked me to the door and kissed my cheek. “Thanks for going out with me tonight. It was fun.”
“Thanks for inviting me. I had a great time.”
He hugged me and walked back to his car, moving it into his driveway next door. I didn’t go inside until he was inside his own house, not wanting the night to end. It had been the best non-date I had ever been on and I hoped we were able to go out again.
Soon.
Will
HANGING OUT WITH RY had gone better than I could have hoped. Picking a scary movie had been great since it meant I spent most of it holding her. She felt perfect in my arms. I was trying to think up another reason to go out with her.
I was driving myself to my therapy appointment. I loved the freedom I felt being able to drive myself and knowing Aunt Liv trusted me enough to not only let me leave the house alone, but to also drive her car was amazing. I went from having no freedom to having a lot. It was an adjustment, but I liked it. I felt like a normal person instead of someone who needed to be monitored and told what to do.
I had only been out of the hospital a week and a half, but I was doing really well. Dr. Thomas even said she was surprised with my progress. Normally, people have trouble adjusting to life outside of the hospital, but the support I got from Aunt Liv, Ryanne, and Jax was helping me. This past weekend, Jax had taken me to play laser tag when I’d told him I was feeling anxious and wanted to cut. He didn’t ask questions or give me a hard time; he just grabbed his keys and coat and told me to follow him. By the time we’d finished playing laser tag and eating dinner, I had forgotten all about my anxiety and the urge to cut.
I was so incredibly lucky to have the support system I had.
I was so incredibly lucky to have these people in my life.
Period.
Sometimes I woke up feeling depressed and full of guilt about what happened with my parents. I missed them every day and it was hard to deal, but I was able to cope without harming myself. Jax and Ryanne may not have been my family by blood, but I considered them family. They were the family I chose, which was just as important as the family by blood. And Aunt Liv had become my biggest supporter. She was willing to do anything to help me out and I would be forever grateful to her.
I was called back to Dr. Thomas’s office and took a seat. She sat and grabbed her notepad. “Hi, Will. How have you been since we last met?”
I had been here before going out with Ry since I was still seeing her three times a week. She told me I would probably have to come more frequently for a while before cutting back to two times a week. I was fine with that as long as I kept doing well I was willing to do whatever it took. “I’ve been really good.”
“Good. How did it go with Ryanne last week?”
I told her about the non-date and how well it had gone. She listened and wrote on her paper, only interrupting to ask questions once in a while. By the time I’d finished telling her about it, I was smiling.
“It sounds like you both had a great time.”
“We did.”
“Where are you going to go from here?”
“I’m not sure. I mean, I’d love to go out with her again, but I’m not sure if I’m ready to get into a relationship.”
“What’s holding you back?”
This was the major question. I knew what was holding me back and I was afraid of what Dr. Thomas would say. “I’m scared.”
“That’s completely natural. Almost everyone that wants to begin a relationship feels some amount of fear or at least nervousness.”
“I know, but I’m afraid that I’m not enough for her. I’ve only been out of the hospital for a week and I still have so much work to do. Ryanne deserves to have someone who isn’t broken. I’m too broken to offer her anything.”
She looked at me and raised an eyebrow. “What makes you th
ink you’re broken?”
“The fact that a month and a half ago, my friends found me on the bathroom floor bleeding to death. I killed my parents—”
“I’m going to stop you right there, Will. You did not kill your parents. They died in a terrible, tragic accident. You did not kill them.”
I sighed. Dr. Thomas and I had been over this when I was in the hospital, but it was a hard thought to let go of. The majority of the time, I knew I hadn’t killed them, but sometimes the self-doubt and guilt crawled in and made me feel like I was an awful murderer. “Okay, so my parents died as a result of my poor decision making. I don’t feel healed yet and I’m not sure what I can offer her.”
“Due to the accident, your healing process may take years. Are you prepared to stay alone for however long that takes? You’re allowed to have a relationship.” She leaned forward. “You aren’t broken, Will. You are a survivor. You may have some scratches and dents, but you are far from broken. If you were broken, we wouldn’t be able to have this conversation because you would be heavily sedated in a hospital.”
I wasn’t broken. Maybe beat up, but not broken. That changed things for me. I kept that in the back of my mind through the rest of the appointment, wondering what that could mean for my relationship with Ryanne.
I had just gotten home from movie night with Jax and Ry. We’d watched a crime drama and I couldn’t help feeling disappointed. There was no reason to hold her if it wasn’t scary.
Throughout the night, I kept brushing against her; I couldn’t seem to stop touching her or finding reasons to be near her. In fact, all week when I saw her, I had done the same thing. I walked close to her so that our hands would brush against each other, or I’d tuck hair behind her ear, pulling her into me and kissing the top of her head.
I was addicted to her.
I wanted to spend time with her again, but I wanted it to be something different, something special. I wanted the chance to talk to her. As I tried to come up with an idea, my phone chimed.
Ryanne: There’s a new glow-in-the-dark mini golf course that opened up a few months ago. I’ve been wanting to check it out. Would you be interested?
Leave it to Ryanne to read my mind and find a solution to my problem.
Will: That sounds cool. When do you want to go?
Ryanne: I have to work early tomorrow. Want to head out after I get done with work?
Will: Sure.
Ryanne: Can’t wait.
I couldn’t wait for tomorrow night.
I laughed as I watched Ryanne try and get the ball down the green. She blamed the darkness and the brightly glowing pictures everywhere for her inability to get the ball into the hole. I really enjoyed watching her try and putt. She screwed up her face and stuck her tongue out of the corner of her mouth in concentration. Not to forget the fact that she bent over to hit the ball; I couldn’t stop myself from peeking down her shirt. This had to be the best idea ever. I would drag her out to mini golf every day if I could.
“I can’t fucking hit it from this angle,” she said, pouting. She turned so her back was to me and bent over again. I bit my lip as she wiggled her hips right before she swung the club.
Mini golf was my new favorite sport.
Was it a sport? I didn’t care what it was as long as I could keep watching her.
When she had finally sunk the ball, she bounced up and down and squealed as she flung herself at me. I wrapped my arms around her, and I couldn’t resist the urge to kiss the top of her head. She snuggled closer.
“It’s your turn and then we’re done with this stupid ass game.”
I let her go, reluctantly, and got ready to take my turn. Before I swung my club, I looked up at her and grinned. “I don’t know if I would call this game stupid, Ry.”
“You’re just saying that because you’re winning.” I swung my club and sunk the ball on the first try. Ryanne wrote on the scorecard. “See! That was your fourth hole-in-one. Are you kidding me? Are you a secret pro golfer?”
I laughed and pulled her into my arms, unable to stop myself from touching her. “I can promise you I am not a pro golfer. It was pure luck.”
“If you say so.” She rested her head against my chest.
I pulled away from her and grabbed her club from her. “Let’s get out of here. We can grab some coffee before Brewed closes.”
“You know me so well.” She smiled the sweetest smile and my heart flipped in my chest. I wanted to kiss her so badly tonight I couldn’t stand it.
We turned in our clubs and walked toward the coffee shop across the parking lot. It was cold outside, so I put my arm around her and held her close.
We ordered coffees, then sat at one of the little tables. Ry sipped hers slowly. “This is so good,” she said, smiling.
“I know how much you love coffee.”
“It’s especially good tonight with this cold weather.”
We talked about nothing in particular as we enjoyed our coffee. I couldn’t get over how easy it was to hang out with her and just be. We got along so well and we never ran out of things to talk about. There was no one that I liked hanging out with as much as Ry.
“Wait, you have some whipped cream on your nose,” I said as I leaned across the table. I wiped the whipped cream off and she smiled at me. Just to have an excuse to touch her, I leaned back across the table and cupped her cheek in my hand. I swept my thumb over her cheek. When I let go, she sighed and turned away, gathering up our garbage.
“Thanks,” she muttered, not looking at me.
After threw away our empty cups, we trekked across the parking lot again. She quickly started trembling from the cold, so I wrapped my arm around her again as we made our way back to Aunt Liv’s car. She shrugged out from under my arm and walked just out of reach. I had no idea what was wrong.
On the drive home, instead of the easy conversations we’d shared up to this point, we were both silent. I wasn’t sure why she was upset and I hoped it wasn’t something I’d done.
I pulled into her driveway and turned the car off. She climbed out without saying a word and I quickly followed her. Before she could slip inside her house, I snagged her hand and stopped her.
“What’s wrong, Ry?”
She looked down at the ground and chewed on her lip. “What is this, Will? What are we doing?”
“We’re spending time together.”
Her eyes found mine and they were full of vulnerability and yearning. “Is that all?”
“What do you mean? Do you want it to be something more?”
“I don’t know.” She took a big breath as though she was gathering strength. “No, I do know. I want something more, Will. I want to be yours. I want to know that I’m the one you’re thinking of when we’re not together and that I’m the only one you want. That’s what I want because that’s what you are to me. But I don’t want to put myself out here, spending time with you and falling for you harder than I already have, if this is nothing but friends hanging out.”
I hated that I was hurting her. Tugging on her hand, I pulled her closer to me and took her face in my hands. “Ry, I want to be able to give you what you want, but I’m not sure I can. I can promise you that I think about you all the time, whether we’re together or not, and there is not a single girl in the entire world that I want more than I want you. I just don’t think I can give you what you want.”
She put her hands over mine. “Why?”
“Because I just got out of the hospital after almost killing myself and I’ve made some really bad decisions. I’m not sure if I’m ready to be in a relationship.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’m not ready for you to stop looking at me the way you do, and once you know the truth, your opinion of me will change. I don’t want to lose you.”
“You’re breaking my heart. All I want to do is fall into your arms and be with you, but you keep me at a distance. What am I supposed to think?”
“That I’m absolutely crazy about y
ou and I’m giving you everything I’m capable of giving you right now.”
She pulled my hands away from her face and stepped back. “Then you need to stop. I can’t have you hold me and give me kisses and be so incredibly sweet because it’s killing me.”
“I’m sorry, Ry.”
“I’m sorry too, Will.”
She turned and walked into her house.
I was hanging on by a thread and I wasn’t sure how to handle it. I hated that I’d hurt Ryanne and I felt guilty. The weight of all the guilt I was carrying was quickly crumbling all the strides I had taken. Between my parents, hurting Ry, and worrying Aunt Liv, I wasn’t sure how much longer I could keep myself steady.
“Okay, Will, what’s been going on?” Dr. Thomas asked.
“I feel like I’m taking giant leaps backwards. I couldn’t get out of bed yesterday and the only reason I got out of bed today was to go to school.”
“What’s causing this?”
“Guilt.”
“Elaborate, please. I can’t help you sort it out until you talk to me about it.”
“My parents. I know you say it was an accident, but I can’t accept that. They are dead because of me. I lied and went to a party. I got drunk and asked a friend to drive me home even though I knew he was completely trashed. If I had stayed home that night, they would be alive right now. And I’m sick of beating myself up about this. We keep talking about this and I keep blaming myself and hating myself and feeling unbelievably guilty.” The words tumbled from me and my anxiety climbed with each syllable. I scratched at my wrist.
“You can’t expect your thoughts to change overnight, Will. You need to be patient with yourself and you need to be compassionate with yourself.”
I scratched at my wrist harder. “I can’t quit playing the images over in my head. I can’t get the sight of their bodies in the car, dying, to stop replaying over and over again.”
