by Love, Kristy
Dear Ryanne and Jax,
It’s been fifteen years since I left. I am so sorry. There is no way I can ever say how sorry I am that I have been out of your lives this long, but I want to make it up to you. There has not been a single day since I left that I haven’t thought about you. Now that you’re both adults, I hope we can find a way to talk so I can at least explain my side of the story. All you’ve ever heard was Jax’s dad’s version of events and I want the chance to shine some light on what happened. Please write me back and we can figure something out.
I love you and miss you. I hope some day I get to see you both. I’m sure you have so many questions for me and I would love to answer them. Write me back and we can meet or share letters or something. I’d love to know how you’re both doing.
Love,
Your Mom (Leslie)
I stared at the letter, speechless. “You seriously need to tell Ryanne. That way both of you could figure out what to do from here.”
“No, I’m not telling her, man. She’ll flip out and I don’t want that.” He sighed and scrubbed a hand over his face. “For the first time, she’s happy. You’ve made her happier than I’ve ever seen her and I don’t want this shit to ruin all of that.”
“She deserves to know.”
“I’m not telling her.”
“You can’t expect me to keep this from her. This is too huge.”
“I can and I will. And I expect you to keep your fucking mouth shut. Do not breath a word of this to her, Will. She can’t know.”
“What do you think you’re accomplishing by keeping this from her? What do you hope to do? It’s selfish to keep it to yourself.”
He hopped out of the beanbag chair and paced the room. “For once, I want to look out for her. My whole fucking life she has protected me and handled shit, and just this once I want to protect her happiness. That’s all. I don’t think that’s such a fucking selfish thing to do.”
“Okay. I get it.”
He plopped down in the chair next to me and buried his face in his hands. “This is so fucked up. I can’t even look at my dad anymore. He’s been lying to us for our entire lives, walking around like he’s the perfect fucking father when he’s a poor excuse for one.”
I knew he needed to tell Ryanne because this kind of secret had a funny way of coming out at the worst time, but I couldn’t force him to tell her. I also knew it would be better for her to hear it from Jax instead of me.
We sat there, both lost in our thoughts for a long time. Eventually, Jax picked up his controller and turned the console back on. We resumed playing video games in silence, the weight of the secret causing the air around us to be thick with tension.
Jax and I had talked a couple more times about the journal. He said it was updated sporadically up until a few months after he was born, then the pages were left blank. It filled in enough information that Jax knew his dad had fallen for his mom and had helped her financially, but that was about it. There was no information in there about why they had divorced or why his dad had kicked his mom out.
I had been keeping Jax’s secret for almost two weeks and it was killing me. Every time I saw Ryanne, I wanted to blurt out what I knew, but I kept quiet, torn between my best friend and my girlfriend. I wasn’t sure what to do. Was it better to let Ryanne be in the dark so she would continue to be happy and keep Jax’s trust? Or was it better to tell Ryanne because she deserved to know and betray Jax?
I had started distancing myself from Ryanne because I found it hard to be around her without saying, “By the way, your dad isn’t your dad.”
Today was my eighteenth birthday and I was struggling. Not only was it the first birthday without my parents, but I had the secret I was keeping from Ryanne and the day after my birthday made it a year since my parents had died.
One whole year without them.
My birthday would forever be tied with their deaths and it made it hard to be happy and excited about finally being an adult.
Jax and I had been wandering around the mall for two hours as he dragged me from store to store, pretending he was looking for something, but never quite finding it. Every time I asked him what he was looking for, he shrugged and walked into another store. My patience had finally run out.
“Jax, we’ve been here for two hours walking around. Is there a point to all of this?”
“I’ve been checking out hot girls,” he said, turning to watch a girl walk away. “Damn. That’s why you shouldn’t have a girlfriend.”
Instead of responding, I sat on a bench and let him continue walking and checking out girls. I figured he would eventually figure out I wasn’t behind him. Until then, I wasn’t moving. I was ready to go home.
He finally noticed that I wasn’t behind him and sat down beside me. “I’m just messing with you. There’s no need to be all upset.”
“I know. Can we be done with this? I’m sick of being here.”
He pulled his phone out of his pocket. “Yeah, let’s get out of here.” We headed back to his car and drove toward our houses. Jax had been acting weirder than usual all day. He had been slightly off since he discovered everything about his parents, but today he kept checking his phone and he insisted on driving me to school. As soon as school was over, he said he was taking me hostage and making me spend time with someone other than Ryanne. There was no point arguing with him.
We were supposed to have pizza tonight with Aunt Liv and Ryanne, but when we pulled up to the house, it was completely dark. When I asked Jax if he knew what was going on, he shrugged and said maybe they ran out to get the pizza. On the front porch, I fished my keys out of my pocket and I unlocked the door.
“Did you hear what happened with Tony today at school?” Jax said.
“No. What happened?”
“He grabbed some girl’s ass. She turned around and clocked him, knocking him the fuck out and breaking his nose.” He tried to fight back laughter, but was failing.
I laughed so hard, I couldn’t get the key in the door. We stepped inside when I was finally able to unlock it and Jax flicked the light on.
“Surprise!”
I stumbled back, shocked. Aunt Liv came up and gave me a hug. “Happy birthday, Will.”
“Thanks.” Some guys from school came up and said happy birthday.
Jax slapped me on the back. “Happy birthday, loser.” He grinned like a fool.
“Is this why I had to endure two hours at the mall?”
“Yeah, I was trying to give Ry and Liv enough time to get everything set up.”
I made my way into the living room, looking for Ry. She ran up and wrapped her arms around me. “Happy birthday, Will,” she whispered into my neck. I ran my hand up and down her back.
“Thanks, Ry.”
“Were you surprised?” She still clung to me.
“Very.” I chuckled. “You’re better at keeping secrets than I thought you were.”
“Only good secrets.”
My stomach bottomed out, hoping she didn’t know how much I was keeping from her. “Do you have a thing for surprise parties?”
“Yeah. I like surprising people. And since it is your eighteenth, I decided to do it big, you know? What’s better than a surprise party?”
“Not much. They are pretty cool.”
“For my birthday, I don’t want a surprise party. I’m surprise partied out.”
I laughed and pulled her closer to me.
The rest of the evening was spent hanging out with my friends and family. We ate pizza and had cake. It was the first birthday celebration I had ever had. My parents hadn’t celebrated birthdays for religious reasons, and it had never really mattered to me because parties weren’t really my thing.
When everyone but Ryanne was gone, Aunt Liv went upstairs and Ryanne pulled me to the front door. She draped her arms around my neck. “You have to come straight home from school tomorrow.”
“What if I have plans?” I quirked an eyebrow up and smiled at her. She knew if she
told me to come home from school immediately, I would be here. I got a lot of grief from Jax and the guys about being whipped, but I didn’t care.
She leaned in and lightly pressed her lips to mine. “I think I could convince you.”
I pressed her up against the door with both hands buried in her hair, kissing her until we were both breathless. When we finally broke apart, she smiled. “Come straight home. I have a surprise for you.”
I kissed her again. She giggled. “I’m going to go before we end up breaking the door or worse.” She headed outside and I watched her walk home, wondering what the surprise was.
I couldn’t wait for tomorrow.
Ryanne
THE LAST COUPLE OF WEEKS, Will had been a little distant. He still texted me and spent a lot of time with me, but he seemed quieter, more closed off. I tried to shrug it off, deciding it was the fact that the one year anniversary of his parents death was coming up. That had to be weighing on his mind a lot, so I wanted to do something special for him.
For what I had planned, I felt like it was only right to talk to Liv. I knew she still worried a great deal about Will, especially since he got out of the hospital. She texted him frequently when he was out and was stricter with his curfew. I decided to be upfront with her. I didn’t want to cause any trouble.
“I’m not so sure about this, Ryanne. I’m not very comfortable with it,” Liv said, looking into her coffee cup like it held the answers.
“I know it’s not typical, but it’ll be fine.” I had found a really nice cabin that I could afford with the tips I had saved up and I wanted to go with Will. Alone. Though Will would be eighteen and we didn’t need Liv’s permission, I wanted it.
“He’s been through a lot and I’m not sure if this is a good idea. I’m worried it’ll put too much pressure on both of you and I don’t want his anxiety to cause him to do anything drastic.”
“He’ll be fine, Liv. I’ll be there with him and he’s a lot better. He hasn’t cut since that night. He knows he can talk to me or Jax or even you. Plus, he can call his therapist if it gets too much to handle.” As much as I loved Liv and knew her heart was in the right place, I was sick of her treating Will like he would break at the first sign of stress. He was a lot stronger than she gave him credit for. “And I’m not expecting anything to happen between us.”
“I wasn’t born yesterday. I know what happens when a couple is alone, especially like that. I’m not stupid.” She looked at me sternly.
“I’m simply stating it doesn’t have to happen.”
“I’m simply stating that you are an idiot if you think it won’t.”
I sighed, unsure of what to say. I couldn’t promise her that Will and I wouldn’t take things further, but I wasn’t expecting anything to happen. “I’m not sure what to say, Liv.”
“I’m not sure what to say either. I know his parents would never let something like this happen. Hell, they wouldn’t have let him be friends with you and Jax, let alone go away for a whole weekend to a cabin with a girl. I’m not in love with the idea, but I trust you and Will.”
“No matter what happens, we’ll be safe. I promise.”
She leveled me with her eyes. “Please just keep an eye on him. If it looks like he’s getting overwhelmed, please don’t let him suffer.”
“I would never let him suffer, Liv. I promise I’ll keep an eye on him and make sure he’s okay.”
“As long as we’re on the same page, I’m fine with the cabin. I just want you to be careful, period. Take condoms up with you, even if you aren’t going to. I want you to be prepared.” I nodded. “I’m not crazy about the idea, but you’ll both be adults and there’s nothing I can do to stop you. I’ll just have to trust you.”
“Thank you, Liv. We won’t let you down.”
“Good.”
Now that I had Liv’s approval, I could make the rest of the plans.
I had a small break between classes, so I met Court for coffee.
“Look at you,” she said. “I haven’t seen you in forever.”
“Court, it’s only been a few days.”
“Yeah, but you’re never around anymore.” She sipped her coffee. “How’s the jail bait?”
“He’s not jail bait. He’ll be eighteen tomorrow.”
“Have any plans for it?”
I toyed with the coffee stick, afraid of what she’d say. She liked Will and was supportive of our relationship, but she liked to tease me about the fact that Will was under eighteen. I knew what going away with him looked like, but I didn’t care. I wanted to have time with Will without worrying about my dad, Jax, or Aunt Liv. I also wanted to take a weekend that would be sad and full of reminders of a terrible tragedy and turn it into something positive. At least that was my hope.
“Yesterday we had a little surprise party for him at his aunt’s house,” I said, hesitantly. “And I rented a cabin for us this weekend.”
“Sounds like a grand weekend you have planned.” She grinned. “Planning on deflowering the jail bait?”
“For fuck’s sake, Courtney. Would you drop it?”
“God, I’m just joking around.” She smiled. “What plans do you have for the weekend?”
“Other than being able to hang out with him without my dad or Jax or his aunt hanging over our shoulders? Not much. I don’t really care if we watch movies or go out and freeze our asses off in the snow. It doesn’t matter to me.”
“You have it bad, girlfriend.”
I smiled and looked down at my coffee. I did have it bad. Really bad. “I do. I really, really do.”
“You think Will’s the real deal.”
My smile widened. “Yeah, I think he is.”
“That’s really good, Ryanne. He’s good for you.”
“I think so too.”
“You seem grounded, happy.” She leaned forward and put her hand on mine. “I’m happy for you, Ry. I really, really am. He’s a good one. I love you.”
My cheeks hurt from how hard I was smiling. “I love you too.”
We spent the rest of lunch chatting about our lives and how she was doing in classes and the new guy she had been dating. It felt good to hang out with Courtney, but all too soon my break was over and I had to go to my next class.
I was running late so I texted Will and told him to pack a bag and be ready to go. I had to pick up the keys to the cabin, and the guy at the rental center had talked forever about leaving it in the condition it was in when we arrived. After reassuring him at least a hundred times, he let me leave and I rushed to Will’s. When I pulled up, I went inside and saw Liv. She gave me a weird look before disappearing upstairs. I heard her talking to Will. A few minutes later, he came downstairs with a duffel bag thrown over his shoulder.
“Ready to go?” I asked, pushing away from the counter.
“Sure.” He followed me outside and threw his bag into the trunk next to mine. When we were seated in the car, he was nervous. “Are you going to tell me what’s going on? Or why Aunt Liv cried when she said goodbye to me? And why I needed to pack a bag?”
“You’ll see.” I grinned, then frowned. He looked really upset. “What’s wrong?”
“Today is just a tough day for me.” He looked out the window. “Lots of memories. Bad ones.”
“I’m sorry.” I reached over and grabbed his hand, squeezing it. “I have a special weekend planned for us.” I hoped I could distract him and make the bad ones easier to deal with by adding good ones.
He continued staring out his window so I couldn’t see his face. “I’m not sure how much fun I’ll be, Ry.”
“You don’t need to be anything other than you. I only wanted to plan something special for you.”
He finally turned and looked at me with a smile, though it didn’t reach his eyes. “Thanks.” He turned back to the window.
“Do you still want to know where we’re going?”
“If you feel like telling me.”
My heart broke and my hopes floundered. I had
known this would be a hard for him, but I probably hadn’t thought it through enough. This wasn’t the anniversary of something insignificant, it was the anniversary of his parents dying. I feared Liv was right and that this was going to put too much pressure on him when he was already upset.
“I rented us a cabin for the weekend so we could spend time together. Just the two of us.”
He looked over at me, eyes wide. “Really? How’d you pull that off?”
“Well, I rented a cabin and made all the necessary arrangements. I wanted to spend some time with you alone. I knew this would be a hard weekend for you, and I wanted to do something that would maybe make it a little easier.”
Pulling my hand over to him, he kissed it. “Thanks, Ry. That’s really sweet of you.”
“And just so you know, I’m not expecting anything to happen this weekend.”
He turned and smirked at me. “So you just want to sit around in a cabin all weekend? Staring at the walls?”
“No.” I sighed, hating how awkward this was. “I meant sexually. I don’t want you to add that pressure to yourself.”
The smirk fell off his face and he turned back to the window. I fought the urge to cry. No matter what I said or did, it seemed to be the wrong thing. The last thing I wanted to do was upset him, but I kept messing up. I drove for a while, wanting to turn around and go back home. Anything had to be better than this. I was taking a bad day and turning it awkward.
“I’m sorry.” I pulled my hand away from him.
“About what?” Turning toward me again, he grabbed my hand and rested them on his leg.
“I don’t know. I just keep making you upset and I don’t mean to. I didn’t want to upset you, I just wanted to make this weekend a little easier for you. If you don’t want to go, I can turn around and we can forget the whole thing.”
“No, I don’t want to do that. I hadn’t even thought about, you know, sex when you mentioned the cabin. I want to spend the weekend with you.”
“Okay.”
We rode in silence until we pulled up to the small log cabin. A small porch with a swing made of logs was outside, making it feel welcoming. We climbed out of the car and Will grabbed the bags from the trunk. I got the keys out of my pocket and went to unlock the door.
