by Love, Kristy
What finally got us out of the car was Ryanne shivering. I had to force her out before she got sick, telling her we wouldn’t be able to see each other if that happened. I carried her bag into the house and kissed her breathless against the wall. She was glassy-eyed when I pulled away.
Aunt Liv was waiting for me when I walked in, running up to me and embracing me. She studied me when she pulled away. “How are you? How was the weekend? Are you feeling okay? Did you have any trouble?”
“I’m fine, Aunt Liv. The weekend was great. Ry helped me deal with everything. It was actually a really good idea. She kept me from moping around.”
“I’m so relieved. I was so worried.”
“We were fine. I told you I’d call you if I had any problems and I didn’t. Everything worked out.”
“Good.”
I went upstairs and unpacked my bags. I had a little bit of homework to finish before I passed out for the night. My room felt empty without Ryanne in there and my bed was cold. I missed her body as it wrapped around mine and her hair that tickled my chin.
Ryanne
I DIDN’T HAVE CLASS UNTIL LATER, so I cleaned up the house and did laundry. Dad and Jax had completely destroyed it. Dirty dishes were everywhere and dirty clothes covered almost every available surface upstairs. Dad was at the office working, of course, and Jax was hanging out with Will. I had the whole house to myself and I was enjoying the quiet. It snowed some outside and I watched the snowflakes as they fell, reminding me of building a snowman and snowball fights with Will. I smiled.
Suddenly feeling the urge to go outside, I pulled on my boots and jacket and ventured outside. Tilting my face skyward, I let the cold flakes fall on my face as I smiled. The weekend had been perfect, completely. It couldn’t have gone any better. Any distance that had grown between Will and me had been squashed and I felt content.
The mail truck pulled up, so I decided to grab the mail since I was standing outside. I walked up and grabbed the mail, then went back inside since I was getting cold.
Flipping through the envelopes, there was one addressed to Jax and me, though I didn’t recognize the return address or the handwriting. I tossed the rest of the mail on the counter and opened it. I almost collapsed on the ground when I read it.
Dear Ryanne and Jax,
I’m not sure if you got my last letter, so I figured I’d write to you again. I’d still really love to see you. I’m sure you have so many questions about everything and I’d love to get a chance to answer them. I regret that I haven’t gotten to know either of you, but now that you’re both adults, I thought this might be the right time. There are so many things you don’t know that I think you both deserve to know. Jax’s dad has made sure that you don’t know the full story. I’m sorry for that.
If you give me a chance, I promise I’ll try and make up for it. Write me back and maybe we can try and figure out some kind of relationship.
Love,
Your Mom (Leslie)
My hand shook as I read the letter again and again. What did she mean by Jax’s dad? And what first letter? I backed up until my legs hit a chair and I sat down, reading and rereading the letter. Running my finger over her name, a fist clenched around my heart.
I hadn’t even remembered my own mother’s name.
Both Jax and Dad came home as I sat there, continuing to read the words over and over. As soon as he saw me, Jax dropped his bookbag on the ground and came over to me.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, looking panicked. I shoved the letter at him, unable to form words. “Fuck.”
“What?” Dad asked, walking over. Jax handed him the letter and crossed his arms over his chest, glaring at him. It hit me that Jax didn’t act surprised about the letter or its content. “Oh.”
“What does that mean, Dad?” I said, my voice wavering. “What does she mean Jax’s dad? What does she mean about another letter? What the fuck is going on?” My voice rose until I was basically screeching.
“Calm down, Ryanne. I can explain,” Dad said, but I didn’t let him explain. I turned to Jax.
“Why don’t you look surprised? Why doesn’t this seem to be new information to you?”
“Because I saw the first letter,” he said, trying to touch me. I yanked my body away from him, not wanting him to touch me, not wanting anyone near me. “I found the first letter and a journal Mom kept.”
“What?” my dad asked.
“When I was helping you clean your room, I found them. That’s not what is important right now, though.”
“We need to talk, Ry,” Dad said, running his hand down his face. I trembled and tried to keep from falling apart. I wouldn’t let him see me upset.
“So talk. I’m listening.” I tilted my chin up, hoping to stay strong.
Dad sighed. “I met your mom when she was already pregnant with you, Ry.”
My eyes cut to Jax. “So you’re not my brother?”
Jax walked closer to me and tried to touch me, but I jumped backward, out of his reach. “Don’t touch me,” I ground out.
Jax raised his hands in surrender. “Just calm down. We can talk about this.”
“I don’t want to fucking talk about this! I can’t believe you both lied to me!” Tears burned my eyes. I felt like my entire life had been a lie. “Why didn’t you tell me, Jax? Why?” I asked through tears.
“Because I didn’t want to upset you.” He moved closer to me and I moved away from him again.
“Don’t you think I deserved to know?”
“You did deserve to know.”
“Then why didn’t you ever fucking tell me!”
“Because once I kicked your mom out, I didn’t know how to tell you. And once you knew that, it would open a whole shitload of other issues I’m not sure I know how to tell you.”
My eyes widened in surprise. “You kicked Mom out?”
He sighed. “Yes. I had no choice. She was an addict. I would come home from work and you and Jax would be filthy and hungry and she would be high as a fucking kite.”
“Mom was an addict?” I asked quietly.
“She was an addict before I met her, trading sex for drugs. When she found out she was pregnant, she fought to get clean and, miraculously, was able to stay clean during her pregnancy. She was sleeping on random people’s couches when I met her. I fell for her almost immediately and I wanted to help her.”
“You fell for her or you wanted to fuck her too?” I spit out.
“Ry! I wanted to help her. She was scared and pregnant and so beautiful. We married shortly after we met. It was amazing.”
“Then what the fuck happened?”
“She was fine until Jax was born. Then she started to feel overwhelmed by two kids and taking care of the house and she started using again. Eventually, she was too strung out to function. It was either keep her around or kick her out for your and Jax’s safety. I chose you and Jax.”
It took every ounce of my willpower not to throw something at him. How the fuck could he say he chose Jax and me when he was never around? He’d abandoned us too. “Then why are you never around? If you wanted to protect us and you kicked her out, why are you never home?”
His shoulders sagged and he looked at the ground. I glanced at Jax, wondering if he knew all of this. From his ashen face, it appeared most of this was news to him too, but I couldn’t help feeling betrayed. I thought we were open and honest with each other.
Apparently not.
“It was too hard to see you, Ry. It’s too painful. I still love your mom so much and I hate how looking at you makes me ache. I realize that I don’t have your mom anymore and I can’t take it. That’s why I’m never home.”
I stumbled backward, feeling like I had been punched in the gut. Tears burned my eyes. My mind raced and my stomach churned. I backed up, feeling confined and needing space. The only person I wanted to see was Will. I needed to see him, touch him, to know he was real and he was still mine. I turned and fled my house, my vision blurred by tea
rs as I tore across the yard and to Will’s front door.
Knocking, I wiped away tears, hoping he would answer soon. I was falling apart and I needed him to hold me before I shattered into a million pieces and I couldn’t be fixed. The door opened and Liv was there. Her eyes turned soft and she motioned me in, telling me Will was up in his room and to go on up.
I took the stairs two at a time and flung myself into his room. He was on his bed reading. When he saw me, he put his book down and sat up. “Ry? What’s wrong?”
I ran across the room and climbed on top of him, pressing myself into him as hard as I could, needing him to erase the doubt and the pain and the fear. He held me, one hand pressed to the back of my head and the other to my lower back. His hands didn’t move, as though he knew I needed the constant contact to keep me from shattering all over the room. I sobbed into his neck and he let me, not saying anything as my whole world crumbled around me.
Liv shuffled down the hall and I felt Will shake his head, then Liv shuffled away. I couldn’t be bothered with anything but holding onto Will. I needed him so badly. I needed him to make it better. Pulling away from him, I crashed our lips together so hard my tooth cut into my lip, kissing him frantically. He eventually pulled me away, his brows furrowed in concern.
“Talk to me, Ry. What’s wrong?” He brushed tears from my cheeks. His touch was so gentle and full of love that I almost fell apart all over again.
“I went and got the mail and there was a letter from my mom. My mom, Will. She said my dad wasn’t my dad and that she wanted to see us.” I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping the tears would stop flowing. “Even worse is Jax knew and he didn’t say anything. Why wouldn’t he tell me?”
I opened my eyes and my heart sunk. Will had always been a shitty liar and I knew. I knew he knew by the guilty look in his eyes. I scrambled off his lap and backed across the room until my back hit the wall.
“You knew?”
He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. He stood and walked over to me. “Yes. I begged Jax to tell you, but he wouldn’t listen.”
“You knew and you didn’t tell me?” Betrayal sliced through my insides, tearing my heart to shreds. Everyone had lied to me. “How could you not tell me?”
“I wanted to. God, I wanted to tell you so badly, Ry, but I promised Jax I wouldn’t tell you. He thought it would be better if you didn’t know and I didn’t know what to do. I knew you’d want to hear it from him, so I hoped he’d tell you.”
“Don’t you think it would have been better if someone, anyone had told me before I got that fucking letter?” I screeched at him. He moved closer to me and I pressed myself into the wall, not wanting him near me.
“I’m sorry, Ry. I should have told you, but I didn’t know what to do. I thought Jax knew what was best.”
“I can’t do this. I can’t fucking do this. How could you lie to me, Will? How long have you known?”
He shrugged and his face looked pained. “Two weeks.”
“Two fucking weeks?” I screamed. I turned away, my mind reeling. He kept this a secret from me for two weeks? And Jax had known for months. They had been lying to me for so long and they didn’t even seem to mind. I felt like I was going to be sick. I couldn’t stay here a second longer.
“I have to go. I can’t stay here.”
He reached out and grabbed my shoulder. “Wait, Ry. We need to talk.”
I spun out of his grip. “Don’t fucking touch me! I don’t want you to fucking touch me ever again.” I turned and ran down the steps, then to my car. Only when I sat in the driver’s seat, did I realize that I didn’t have my keys or my wallet. I rested my head against the steering wheel and sobbed, my heart breaking over and over again. I couldn’t believe the people I loved the most had lied to me.
Realizing I had my phone, I pulled it out of my pocket and called Courtney. She would help me out. I called her, tears still streaming down my face.
“Hey, bitch. What’s up?”
“Court,” I said, my voice broken with tears and heartbreak.
“What’s wrong, Ry?”
“Can you come get me? Please?”
“Sure. Where are you?” I heard things rustling in the background and her keys as she grabbed them.
“I’m at home. My purse and keys are in the house and I can’t go back in there. I need you to come and get me.”
“I’ll be there in ten minutes.”
We hung up and I continued to fall apart, though this time I didn’t know who would hold me together.
I was curled up on Courtney’s couch, buried under blankets. I had been here for almost three weeks, only leaving for class and work. My phone had been turned off since I showed up, though it didn’t matter. I didn’t have a charger and I didn’t have anyone I wanted to talk to. I didn’t want to hear the excuses or the apologies. The only thing I wanted was for the pain to stop, but it seemed to be getting worse.
Courtney had been amazing. I had spilled my guts to her as soon as I landed on her couch and she listened and let me drowned her in my tears. A few times she’d mentioned that I should call Jax or Will, but she didn’t pressure me, telling me I could stay as long as I needed to.
After a week of not moving off the couch, she threatened to dump ice water all over me if I didn’t start moving. She said I couldn’t fail out of school or lose my job and that I was stinking up the entire apartment. While I got a long, hot shower, she went to my house and got my keys, wallet, and a few other things. A friend of hers drove her so she could grab my car. Since then, I’d gone to work and class. It seemed like a better option than drowning in ice water.
My eyes were still closed when I heard Courtney’s phone ring and her answer softly. It was hard to make out her words since she whispered, but I also didn’t try too hard. When her door creaked open and I heard her creep down the hall, my ears pricked up, wondering what she was doing.
“No, she’s still sleeping,” she said softly. “I know, but I can’t force her to leave. You didn’t see how devastated she was, Jax.” I felt like my body was burning when she said my brother’s name. I wondered why she was talking to him. “Okay, maybe you saw the beginning of her devastation, but when I got to her, she could barely form a sentence.” She was silent for a while. I would have thought she walked away, except I didn’t hear the floorboards creak or her feet shuffle away.
“How do you think you’d feel if everyone who you loved had been lying to you? … I don’t give a fuck, Jax. You handled it wrong. No, you listen. She deserved to know. I don’t want to hear any of your hero bullshit, she should have been told and you were an ass for not telling her.”
She was silent and I heard her walking toward her bedroom again. I strained to hear what she had to say, luckily she didn’t close the door the whole was so her voice still drifted down the hall. “I understand you thought you were doing what was right, but I’m telling you it was wrong. And asking Will to keep it quiet. That was a low blow, even for you. You need to give her time. I’ll keep an eye on her and let you know how she’s doing … Nope. There is no way in hell you are coming here to talk to her. You aren’t coming here and chasing her away. At least we know where she is. I don’t want her running off … Okay, good. We’re on the same page. I’ll keep you updated.”
I heard her sigh and she came down the hall. I kept my eyes closed, not wanting her to know I was awake. As mad as I was at Jax, I was glad he was checking up on me. It made me feel like he cared. I needed someone to care.
I waited until Courtney had left for class before I pulled myself off the couch and went to get a shower. I missed Jax and Will terribly, but I couldn’t stop feeling betrayed. I had to face them at some point, I just wasn’t sure when.
Will
I DIDN’T CHASE AFTER RY even though every part of my body screamed for me to follow her. Aunt Liv stopped me, saying that Ry was trying to process too much and she wasn’t ready to listen to me. Figuring Aunt Liv knew more than me, I listened to her. When I saw
Courtney pull up and help Ry out of her car, I breathed a small breath of relief, thinking she would talk to her friend and then I would have my chance to try and explain. I kept my phone in my hand for the next twenty-four hours, waiting for a text or call.
That was three weeks ago.
For three weeks, I had been going out of my mind. Any time I saw Courtney pull up to Ry’s house, I ran outside and talked to her. I always got the same answers. Ry was doing fine, she needed space, she needed some time to figure stuff out, she would call me when she was ready.
The first week, I decided space was the best option and I gave that to Ry.
The second week, I called and texted her a few times, hoping she would see my messages and realize I hadn’t meant to hurt her. I needed to talk to her so I could convince her that I loved her and I was sorry and I shouldn’t have listened to Jax. All I needed was for her to contact me and things would work out, at least that’s what I kept telling myself.
By the time the third week had passed, I was going out of my mind. I called and texted Ry constantly, and continued to beg Courtney for any kind of update. Ry never answered my calls or texts, and Courtney kept giving me the same lines she’d been using for weeks—Ry was fine, she needed space, and she’d call when she was ready.
I felt like I was falling apart. I hated that I had hurt Ry and she pushed me away. I hated that I had listened to Jax when I knew it was better to be honest with her, and I worried that one mistake had cost me the only person I could ever see myself loving.
As I crumbled, Jax shattered. Finding out that his parents had lied to him as well as to Ry killed him. He had disliked his dad before, but now he hated him, and he was afraid Ry would never speak to him again.
Exactly twenty-three days after Ryanne had fled my house my patience had worn out. I felt I had given her enough space to figure everything out and I feared Jax would have a breakdown soon if he didn’t hear from her. I was trying to figure out what to do when Jax came into the cafeteria and sat at the table across from me. He looked like a complete mess and I understood exactly where he was coming from. When he dropped in his seat, he buried his face in his hands.
