“You know, I really dislike it when you do that.”
He walked toward a second door in the room and stopped. “Dislike what?”
I was still standing, and he didn’t even know what he’d done. He had no clue how bossy he was. Was it worth debating when I wanted to sit anyway?
“Nothing.” I sat in the chair he’d pointed to.
The corner of Callon’s mouth ticked up along with a half laugh.
I gasped. “That wasn’t nice.”
“If you wanted to sit, then why would me telling you stop you? Doesn’t that seem a bit absurd?”
“No.” I stood and switched to the couch. He hadn’t told me to sit here.
From the raised eyebrow, my action was taken for exactly what it was.
“What are we doing, anyway?” I asked, spreading my legs out on the couch. Now I wasn’t even sitting anymore. I was almost lying down.
“That thing you did with Zink, if you want to use it on the Magician, I need to see how consistent you are—and how strong.”
“We’re going to use my plan?”
“Only if you don’t suck.”
That sentence made the vein in his neck pop out.
He opened the door and Koz was standing there, shoulder slumped on the side and a line of people behind him down the hall. Callon didn’t only want me to do it again, he wanted me to do it again and again and again.
“Get in,” Callon said to Koz.
Koz walked in the room, and Callon shut the door on the line of people all trying to peek in.
Nope. Not Koz. I couldn’t do it with Koz. What if somehow or another Callon was wrong about it going away easily and what I did got stuck in the “on” position. What if Koz ended up following me around, trying to help me constantly?
Tuesday would be crushed. Not that I thought what I was doing made people romantically inclined, but Tuesday wasn’t going to want to see him, of all people, following me around.
Zink had been different. Zink was too much of an asshole for him to be giving for long, magic or not. Even if it did last a little while, I wouldn’t feel so bad tormenting him.
Koz stood there, looking at Callon and then me. “What’s going on? Why are we all lined up?”
I turned to Callon. “He doesn’t even know we’re practicing?” I definitely was not doing this to Koz.
“No, he doesn’t. They might suspect something, but I’m trying to get an unbiased pool.”
I shook my head. “We have to go to the next unbiased person.”
“Why?” The tone Callon used already told me the answer wouldn’t matter. He was going to insist I try on Koz.
I was going to insist I didn’t.
“Do what with me?” Koz asked.
“Because I can’t,” I said, getting to my feet.
Callon took a step toward me. “Of course you can.”
“No. I. Can’t.”
“What the hell is going on?” Koz asked, looking back and forth.
Callon didn’t budge, and Koz was waiting for an answer. I walked to the door that didn’t have the line of people waiting.
“Where are you going?” Callon asked, as if shocked I’d walk out of a room on him.
“With you, to talk.” I opened the door and waited for him to follow me.
He did. He probably only did so because he was going to explain how wrong I was.
I held up a finger to Koz and then shut the door.
“What’s the issue?” Callon asked.
“He’s Tuesday’s guy.” I crossed my arms.
“No. Koz is my guy and I need him.” He crossed his arms.
“If this goes wrong and Koz is following me around, are you going to tell Tuesday why?” He wanted to play it all loose and crazy, let him fix it if it blew up.
“It’s not going to go wrong. If there’s a lag of some sort, she’ll understand.”
“Oh, yeah, I’m sure it’ll go over well when I tell her he’s lying in my bed because of a lag.” I might’ve actually huffed and looked up at the ceiling. My knee decided it needed to get into the act as well and bend with some attitude.
By the time I looked back at Callon, he had a stubborn tilt to his head and his jugular was bulging. “How would he end up in your bed?”
“See?” I waved my finger at him. “That’s exactly what Tuesday will ask.”
“You didn’t say how. Are you attracted to him?”
That was an interesting question. I’d never even thought of him in that way. Koz was cute, but he wasn’t really my type—if I had a type. “He’s a good-looking guy, but—”
Callon opened the door before I finished. “Koz, we don’t need you.”
“Need me for what?” He was scratching his head with both hands. “I’m so damn confused.”
“I’ll fill you in later.” Callon pointed at the door we’d just used. “Get out. We’ve got work to do.”
Koz walked out of the room shaking his head and muttering something about waiting in line for some secret and then he didn’t even get to find out what it was.
I sat in the chair, waiting for Callon to open the other door again. It was a young man I’d glimpsed passing in the hallway, who looked like he’d barely hit manhood.
“Teddy, this is Mark.”
That was all Callon said before he turned to me expectantly. Okay, the show was on.
I cleared my mind of everything except imaging some great need. It wasn’t hard at the moment, since my life was balancing on top of a pin. “Mark, could you help me with something?”
Mark’s eyes shifted from curious to pliant in an instant. “Of course. What can I do?”
Mark rushed to my side but was stopped short.
“Far enough,” Callon said, holding out a hand in front of him.
I looked at where I was sitting and tried to figure out the distance. I’d say it was just about ten feet. Callon remembered me telling him I could see death when people got closer than ten feet. I shut down the warm and fuzzies that thought brought on. He was probably afraid my list would get longer, that was all.
“She doesn’t need you anymore. You can go,” Callon said, then motioned to the door.
Mark looked over his shoulder, and I nodded, encouraging him to exit. He smiled and left the room like he was fighting his way out of quicksand.
“We good?” I asked, as Callon shut the door on Mark.
“Not even close. I’ve got them lined up according to how difficult I think they’ll be. Get comfortable.” He walked back to the door and let in the next person.
There were women and men, human and beast. Each time, it had the same effect. They came in confused and then didn’t want to leave me.
I was yawning by the time the twentieth person walked out.
The door clicked shut. “Well? Now are we done?”
Callon walked over and sat on the edge of the desk. “You’re consistent, but I’m not sure if it’s strong enough with someone with a lot of magic. It didn’t work on Hecate. Odds are, it won’t work on the Magician.”
I heard the words, knew the logic was sound, but the desperation inside me didn’t want to hear any of it. This had to work.
“Maybe Hecate was an anomaly? You said yourself she’d survive anything. Why don’t I try it with you? You have magic and you’re strong.”
“No. It won’t be the same.”
“Why? I think that might be a good idea to try.”
“Teddy, I said no.”
He still thought I couldn’t do it. I was too weak or something. Worthless. That was what Baryn had called me over and over again. Pathetic and worthless as I sat there cowering.
“I can do it,” I said, standing.
“I’m sure you can, but don’t.” He was staring at me, a warning there.
He didn’t believe me. He thought I was dead weight that he had to carry. A lifetime of horrible words churned around in my mind, gathering steam. The urge to prove Callon wrong won over logic. I wasn’t going to be controll
ed anymore, told what to do. I’d spent years like that. Do this. You can’t do that. You’re stupid and dumb, worthless.
I was strong, and fuck him for thinking otherwise.
“Callon, I need you.” I laid it on thick, every desire I had lacing my words. The years spent in abject misery layered my voice, the lilt of my tone. Every beating, the hours of loneliness, everything I had piled up in the dark crevices of my mind filtered through me, aimed at him.
His eyes flamed red. He walked toward me, nothing like the others had. When they’d come, it had almost been like children to a loved caregiver, submissive. This was more like an animal stalking me.
Startled, I tripped around the chair, feeling for the wall behind me as he closed in. His palms landed against the wall beside me, caging me. His head dipped low, his chest rising and falling, and I could hear a rattling in his chest from strain. Heat was exploding off him. Power and magic so thick it licked at my skin and teased my senses.
“I told you not to do that.” His voice was low, guttural. His right palm fisted and the cords in his neck popped. “You need to go.”
I didn’t move. I wasn’t sure if it was my fight-or-flight making a bad call and telling me to hang close or something else, something dark inside myself. His beast was right there, trying to break the surface. His darkness was about to come into the light as red swirled in his eyes.
I didn’t know what it would do and I didn’t know if I cared. The monster inside me wanted it to come out and play. It was lonely, so tired of being alone.
I arched forward, my hips brushing his.
His whole body tensed. “You don’t know what you’re asking for.”
I wasn’t so sure of that.
He leaned forward, pressing his entire length against mine until I was pressed back against the wall. It felt good. Better than good.
It felt like the darkness in me had found a home.
The feeling was so startling that it sucked everything good into a vacuum of fear.
“Go.” He grated out the word, and I knew it was my last chance.
I slid down the wall, under his arm, and fled the room.
32
It was late, and the place was quiet except for the occasional creak from one of the people on watch. From what I’d heard, they always had someone on post. Now they had twice as many because sooner or later, probably sooner, the Magician would show.
Callon hadn’t been seen for hours. At first I’d been trying to avoid him, until I realized I didn’t have to. He’d left right after I had.
So I’d tried to sleep but tossed and turned instead, blaming my wakefulness on the recent binge of shut-eye.
Another hour came and went before I found myself knocking on Koz’s door.
Koz answered, leaning against the frame, slightly breathless and with nothing but a blanket wrapped around his waist.
“Have you seen Callon?”
“He went to run a perimeter check.” He kept looking over his shoulder back in the room. “He’ll be back in a few hours, I’m sure.”
“Teddy, do you need me?” Tuesday shouted from deeper in the room, sounding as winded as he was.
“No, I’m fine.” I gave him as good of a smile as I could.
He took it as if I meant it, and the door swung shut.
Knowing sleep was useless, I wandered the house until I stumbled upon a lookout balcony. Zink was leaned over the railing, but it was large enough to ignore him. Plus, he didn’t speak to me anyway.
I opened the door and curled up on a cushioned bench, glad I’d brought the blanket from the bed.
Zink gave me a glance and then went back to watching the horizon.
“You do some weird shit,” he said.
I glanced at the door, expecting to see someone else had joined us. They hadn’t. “Are you talking to me?”
“Obviously. Who else does weird shit like you?”
“Why?” I blurted. This was Zink, after all. He’d called me a dog.
“I don’t know. I must be really fucking bored.”
I could understand that. Watching the horizon for enemies wasn’t the most riveting thing ever, especially if you didn’t see any.
“Talking about weird shit, did your beast want to come out when I did that thing to lure you over?”
He looked over his shoulder with his eyes narrowed, as if he was trying to figure out why I’d ask that. “Why would it?”
“I don’t know. Just figured maybe it would want to.”
“My beast knows better than to do that.” He tipped his head back, letting out a belly laugh I didn’t think existed within Zink.
“What’s so funny?”
“I’d tell you, but I doubt you’d find it as humorous.” The dickhead laughed a little more.
I’d definitely picked the wrong place to straighten out my head. I liked Zink better when he was grouchy, mean, and silent.
Luckily, Zink didn’t say anything else, having used up his ten civil words for the day.
After another few minutes of silence, I curled on my side, watching the moon rise over the mountains.
Even in the chilling night air, bundled up in my blanket, it was calming. The Magician would be coming, but this was a gift of peace, maybe the most peace and sanctuary I’d ever had.
The door opened and footsteps sounded on the wood behind me a little time later.
I knew it was him without turning around. The smell of the trees and pine air preceded him, along with some indefinable energy that could only be described as the magic of his beast.
I wondered if he’d go back inside. If he’d stumbled upon me by accident. Then I reminded myself of who this was.
Zink reverted to his silent ways and left his post. He evacuated the balcony as if he knew Callon was there to talk to me.
Callon walked toward the railing, admiring the same view of the moon rising, glittering on the snow.
He turned, resting his hips on the railing. His eyes had that slight otherworldly glow they got when the beast was still lingering.
“Were you looking for me?” he asked.
I didn’t bother denying it, and I wasn’t surprised he knew. Koz had probably run him down the second he came in, even if he had been mid-thrust. I pulled the blanket over my shoulders as I sat up.
“I didn’t mean to…”
I wasn’t even sure what I’d done, but I’d meant to do it. It had been intense, almost as if I’d summoned the beast within him.
I’d liked it, too. The beast fit. It wouldn’t fear what I was, or the darkness I had inside me. It wouldn’t calculate like the man did and tally up lives, decide who should go where like everyone was a chess piece.
When the beast had found me surrounded by the Magician’s men, it hadn’t decided what was the smart move. It had simply killed.
I’d wanted to see if the beast would come to me.
“Don’t do that again,” he said, as if he were reading the thoughts as I worked through them.
“Why?”
“I don’t know if I’ll be able to pull back the next time.”
I opened my mouth, about to ask him what he’d pull back from, but not because I didn’t suspect. I wanted to hear it. I wanted him to tell me that he couldn’t always control everything.
The man could be cool to me. He functioned on logic and what needed to be done. The beast was raw emotion. The beast understood me, maybe even wanted me.
I didn’t have the nerve to come out and ask him, afraid I was wrong, so I hit it from the side.
“Why didn’t Zink react like that? Or any of the other shifters that came in?”
“Their beasts won’t touch you.”
“Why not?”
Red swirled intensely in his eyes as he gripped the rail behind him. “I think you already know.”
There it was. And there was the problem, too. The man was trying to overrule the beast. I guessed we’d find out who was stronger.
I needed to decide who I was rooting for.
33
Hess was sitting next to Zink in the great room the next morning, talking quieter than I’d thought them capable. Hess was speaking but Zink’s mouth was turned down, and not in his usual angry way. I knew sadness when I saw it.
I marched right over to them. “What happened?”
Hess looked up and shook his head. “It’s Issy.”
Ah, shit. When I hadn’t seen her at breakfast, my gut said it wasn’t good. But she wasn’t supposed to die. I hadn’t seen her die. How was this possible? I’d never been this off before, except for the furred ones. Was I going haywire?
“Where’s her room? I want to see if she needs anything.” I needed to see if she was really dying.
Hess rattled off a few turns, and I took off at a fast walk.
A young man called Tommy, one of the many that I thought would die, was leaving her room as I got there.
“You can go in if you want to pay your respects, but she’s sleeping,” he said in hushed tone.
“Thanks.”
Callon was already in her room, standing along the far wall and watching her sleep.
I might not have seen her dying in my visions, but looking at her now, she looked like she was already dead.
I took a step and then paused. I didn’t know if I should go to her, as I’d planned, and see if something triggered a vision, or go to him and apologize. I never should’ve said a word. He’d wanted to believe me. I’d seen it in his eyes, his mouth, his fucking soul.
That was what you got for trying to give someone hope. From here on out, I’d stick to my comfort zone and only dole out death and despair. Hope was too dangerous. Hope could hurt worse than a thousand expected disappointments.
I forced another step, going toward him, trying to not hear the agonizing breathing coming from Issy, each one making me a liar.
I stopped beside him. He glanced at me but then looked back to her. When he’d looked at me, his wall was up. I didn’t take it to heart. That was how he was holding it together, and I would’ve done the same. Had done the same. Was still doing it.
“I’m sorry. I never would’ve said that if I’d known. I screwed up.”
He shook his head. “You have nothing to apologize for.”
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