Ted put down his spoon and fixed Johnny with a look that said he meant business.
‘Mum said you were going to get me a guinea pig.’
‘I did not!’ protested Honor. ‘I said you could ask Johnny if he could get hold of one for you. There’s a difference.’
‘Funnily enough, I have a particularly fine specimen looking for a good home back at the surgery,’ said Johnny. ‘His name is Eejit.’
‘Does he come complete with cage, feed bowl, water bottle, shavings and a supply of guinea pig food?’ asked Honor sweetly.
‘Well, of course,’ said Johnny. ‘Will I bring him over at the weekend?’
Honor shot him a warning glare, but it was too late.
‘The weekend! The weekend!’ sang Ted.
Honor wasn’t going to allow herself to be out-manoeuvred that easily.
‘Sorry. But I’m up to my eyes. I’m working at the manor.’ Honor filled him in on her new venture. ‘So Saturday’s out of the question.’
‘Not necessarily. How about I bring Eejit over and you can go up to the big house to work? Ted and I can stay here and I’ll give him a lesson in how to look after guinea pigs.’
Honor sighed.
‘Please, Mum,’ said Ted.
‘I’ll think about it,’ said Honor firmly.
‘That means yes,’ Ted informed Johnny.
‘No, it doesn’t.’ Honor’s tone was sharp. She was angry. She felt cornered, as if there was some conspiracy between the pair of them. Though she knew perfectly well it had been engineered by Johnny. She stood up sharply and started gathering up the plates. She wasn’t going to let herself be manipulated. As she took the plates through to the sink in the kitchen, she heard the two of them start to play Paper, Stone and Scissors, thumping the table enthusiastically. They were as thick as thieves already, which was only going to make things more difficult.
Shit, she thought ruefully. She’d walked straight into Johnny’s trap.
At Fulford Farm, Henty showed Travis to his room. She’d spent the day before trying to make it comfortable and appropriate for a bloke in his twenties. She’d bought chrome lampshades and a big stripy floor rug, a funky wall clock and a denim beanbag chair to match the denim duvet set. She’d moved the portable telly in out of the kitchen – at least that would wean her off Fern Britton and Phillip Schofield while she was doing the ironing. She’d listen to books on tape instead, from the library.
‘Cool.’ He looked round, nodding in approval, and Henty felt relieved.
‘I’m not being funny,’ she said nervously, ‘but I’d rather you didn’t allow Thea and Lily in here. I don’t think it would be… appropriate.’
‘I’m glad you said that,’ said Travis. ‘Teenage girls can be a nightmare.’
He chucked his rucksack down on the bed and shrugged off his jacket. Henty gulped at the sight of his broad shoulders underneath the faded grey sweatshirt.
‘Supper will be at about eight,’ she said faintly. ‘Have a shower if you want. Or whatever.’
‘I might go and look at the horses.’ Travis peered out of the window into the stable yard below, showing a little hint of brown back above the waistband of his jeans. ‘Then I’ll come and give you a hand in the kitchen.’
‘What?’ Henty squeaked, surprised.
‘That’s what I’m here for, isn’t it? To lighten your load?’
‘Well, yes, I suppose so. I just thought you might be tired after your journey.’
‘I’ve only come from Leamington Spa.’ His green eyes were laughing. ‘I’m not exactly jet-lagged.’
By half seven, Ted had got thoroughly overexcited and started trying to beat Johnny up again. Honor put her foot down and marched him upstairs to bed, despite voluble protests. While Ted was doing his teeth, she couldn’t help interrogating him, despite herself.
‘So what do you think of Johnny, then?’ she asked casually.
‘He’s way cool!’ said Ted enthusiastically. ‘Is he going to be your boyfriend?’
‘No!’ said Honor, with a slightly hysterical laugh that she hoped indicated what a silly idea this was. She hustled Ted through into his bedroom, tucked him in under his duvet, then bent down and kissed him goodnight. He smiled and shut his eyes obediently, though she knew he always waited till she’d gone to slide his Gameboy out from under the pillow. She usually found him half an hour later, fast asleep with it still beeping in his hands.
She went down the stairs with trepidation. Her little shield was in bed, the one thing that was allowing her to keep her distance. The kitchen was immaculate: the washing-up done and everything put away. Johnny was pulling the cork on a bottle of red wine.
‘I found this in the wine rack,’ he admitted. ‘I think we probably need it.’
He poured it into two glasses and handed one to her. She took it warily as he raised his in a toast.
‘To our absolutely gorgeous son,’ he said. Then he drank deeply, and put his glass back down on the table. ‘I’ve been knocked sideways, Honor. I didn’t think I’d feel like this. I don’t know how I thought I’d feel. But I didn’t think I’d love him straight away.’
He looked into her eyes, his expression totally genuine. Which was unusual for Johnny – he usually had a hint of mockery or a glint of evasiveness when the conversation bordered on the serious. Johnny just didn’t do mature, adult heart-to-heart debate. To him the answer always lay at the next party or at the bottom of the bottle. Life for him wasn’t about making reasoned decisions.
‘It’s not just that I can see me in him. You’d have to be blind not to spot the similarity, with the ginger hair and the freckles and all,’ he grinned ruefully. ‘But I can see you in him as well. All the things I used to love about you. His warmth, his sense of fun, his ability to totally charm people…’
‘Yeah, OK – enough of the flattery’ Honor cut him off with a wave of her hand. She was deliberately curt. She didn’t want to be taken in by his hyperbole.
‘I want to look after you both. What do you need? A bigger house? A bigger car? Is his school OK?’
Honor bristled.
‘We’re perfectly happy with things the way they are, thank you.’
‘Come on, there must be things you need.’
‘No,’ Honor insisted. ‘There’s nothing we need. I’ve always made sure of that. Sure, there’s things we don’t have. Places we don’t go to. But if there’s one thing bringing up Ted has taught me, it’s that you don’t need half of the crap you’re conned into thinking you can’t live without. Ted has a better time when we go to Weston-super-Mare for the day than any of his friends do when they go to the bloody Caribbean.’
Johnny listened to her outburst with a half smile.
‘Hey. There’s no need to be defensive. I know you’ve given him the most wonderful life. That’s why he’s such a great kid. I bet you spend time with him for a start. I bet you spend hours building sandcastles with him.’
Honor didn’t reply. Johnny was right: last time they went to the beach, she and Ted had made the most enormous and elaborate castle, studded with shells and peppered with little paper flags. Elsewhere on the beach she could see mothers stretched out on towels, immersed in lurid paperbacks, occasionally dishing out cartons of drinks or another dollop of suncream, but otherwise ignoring their children.
Johnny put both hands on her shoulders and made her look at him.
‘I just meant… if there was something you wanted. Even if it’s something silly. I’m not criticizing or even suggesting you haven’t got everything you need. Because you’re right: life’s not all about what money can buy. But sometimes it’s nice. Sometimes it’s nice to say fuck it. I know you know that. Jaysus, I’ve been on enough shopping trips with you. Fuck it, I can’t decide which colour – I’ll have both…’
He did a wicked imitation of her in her former life. And she knew it was true. She’d always been profligate. She’d always had what she wanted: the best. And she couldn’t deny that she didn�
��t sometimes feel a pang for those things she couldn’t afford. But getting them from Johnny was too high a price.
‘Look, Johnny. This is all going too fast. Let’s just stick with the guinea pig for the time being, OK? No great commitment. No sudden life changes. No promises we can’t keep. Let’s see how it goes.’
‘Listen – there’s no strings attached to my offer. I just want to help.’ As Honor opened her mouth to protest, he put up his hand. ‘And before you start, I’m not being patronizing. I’m a bachelor, and a well-paid one at that. My practice is doing incredibly well and I’ve got nothing else to spend my money on. Wouldn’t you rather Ted had it than the bookie?’
‘I suppose so…’
‘Have a think about it. Let me know.’ He paused. ‘I can wait. I know it’s going to take a long time to win you round.’
‘What do you mean, win me round?’
Honor narrowed her eyes, wary. Johnny spoke softly: that was always a bad sign. It was when he was at his most persuasive. Usually prior to him being his most destructive. She tried to harden her heart to what he was saying.
‘You know, Honor, you leaving like that was a serious wake-up call for me. It made me realize what a destructive bastard I was. Only it was too late. I’d done the damage. Lost the one person that really mattered to me…’ He trailed off, looking sorry for himself. ‘It’s been a long six years. I’ve spent it searching for a replacement for you, but there wasn’t anyone who came near. I was just coming to terms with the fact that there was nobody else out there for me. That I’d totally blown it and that I was going to face the rest of my life as a sad, lonely old git. And then… I look up and there you are.’
‘I know. What is it they say? Small world?’ Honor did her best to sound brisk and unsentimental.
‘You don’t think it means something? You don’t think it means that we’re meant to be together?’
‘No. I don’t want to burst your bubble, Johnny, but it was just a coincidence.’ Honor was exasperated. Johnny was romanticizing, and no doubt hoping she’d get swept along. ‘It’s all very well trying to turn this into a fairy-tale ending. But don’t try and tug on my heartstrings, because if anyone’s had a tough time of it, it’s me. Not that I’m looking for sympathy. It was my choice. I could have taken the easy way out after what you did. Most people would, finding out they were pregnant by a waster.’
She spat this out viciously, and was gratified to see Johnny look appalled by the implications of what she was saying. She carried on, finding that now she had started, she couldn’t stop.
‘But I chose to go it alone. And it’s been tough, I can tell you. Carrying a child for nine months, not knowing if it’s going to be all right. Giving birth on your own is no picnic either. And looking after a tiny baby is terrifying. I hardly slept at all for the first six months. Not because he didn’t, but because I was so petrified he wouldn’t wake.’
Honor found she was working herself up into a state, as the memory of all the years of worry and loneliness suddenly closed in on her. She was furious with herself. No doubt this was just what Johnny wanted – her breaking down, showing she was vulnerable. So that he could move in and comfort her.
But Johnny didn’t. He just looked at her solemnly.
‘I would have been there for you. For you both. If I’d been given the chance.’
They stared at each other, the atmosphere between them crackling with antagonism.
‘You weren’t fit to look after us.’
Johnny shrugged.
‘Your verdict, Honor. Delivered without a judge or a jury, as far as I can see.’
‘I didn’t want to burden you with any more responsibility. You already had one child on your hands, after all.’
As soon as she delivered this final blow, an oblique reference to the girl he’d been in bed with, she realized she had gone too far, that her bitterness was unattractive, that she was losing face. Johnny gave a bleak smile.
‘It was a meaningless fuck performed under duress, Honor. If you want to drag it up and throw it back in my face for the rest of my life, then fine, if it makes you feel better. I was hoping for a more positive outcome to all of this. Something that might be beneficial to Ted.’
Honor was silent, wary, her mind racing as she tried to work out how she could recover the ground she had lost. The bottom line was she couldn’t change what had happened. Maybe Johnny was right. They had to make the best of it, for Ted’s sake. But he had to understand how she felt. She couldn’t just absolve him overnight. That seemed to be what he expected.
‘You know what else?’ said Johnny. ‘I can’t stand to see you so bitter. You shouldn’t have to suffer because of my weakness. Give yourself a break – make the most of the fact that I’m back in your life.’ He gave a cynical grin. ‘Get the most out of me while you can – most women would.’
‘I’m not –’
‘Most women.’ Johnny finished her protest for her. ‘I know you’re not. Which is why I’m here. Which is why I care so much. Which is why I came to find you both. Instead of doing a runner. Which would have been the easiest thing to do.’
Honor swallowed. Withstanding Johnny would add a huge pressure to her life. He wasn’t easy to fight, she knew that. She couldn’t cope with a battle of wills on top of her new job. And the luxury of having someone to share with – the luxury she had longed for so many times – was so tempting. And what did she have to gain by flagellating him, extricating some sort of eternal retribution for his errant ways?
She capitulated with a sigh.
‘OK,’ she said. ‘You win.’
‘No,’ said Johnny. ‘This isn’t about me winning. Or you winning. This is about Ted. Hopefully, he’ll be the winner.’
Honor nodded, hoping that she wasn’t going to cry. She wasn’t sure if it was the relief, or the suspicion that she had been somehow hoodwinked.
‘You’re right.’ Her voice faltered a little. ‘He is the only thing that matters in all of this.’
There was a small silence, while they both took in the fact that they had called a truce, neither of them quite sure what to do or say. Johnny cleared his throat awkwardly.
‘So. Saturday’s OK, then?’
‘Saturday?’
‘Can I look after Ted?’
Honor stared at Johnny in disbelief.
‘You really don’t know when to give up, do you?’
Johnny laughed.
‘Never. I never give up. You know that.’
‘I don’t know…’
‘For God’s sake, Honor. What are you afraid of? That I’m going to kidnap him? Because I can assure you, I’m not. It wouldn’t be too convenient, after all. I can’t exactly bring a six-year-old boy into the surgery on Monday morning. And I won’t try to brainwash him, either. I just want to get to know the guy, OK?’
Johnny ran his hand through his hair in exasperation. Honor bit her lip.
‘You’ll be two minutes up the road. And it’ll be much better for you if you don’t have him with you on the first night.’
He really did have a point there.
‘OK.’ She gave in with a sigh. ‘Just promise me…’
‘Promise you what?’
Honor didn’t know. It was just a mother’s reflex, to want reassurance. But she didn’t want to come across as neurotic.
‘Nothing. Come at four o’clock.’
Johnny put his glass down and scooped up his keys from the table top.
‘Four o’clock it is.’
He moved towards her and instinctively she recoiled. He looked at her, hurt in his eyes.
‘It’s OK. I wasn’t going to try anything on.’
His voice was brusque as he leaned forward and brushed his cheek against hers in a polite gesture of farewell, then turned for the door. She flushed with embarrassment.
‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean –’
He put his hand up to say it didn’t matter. Feeling thoroughly ashamed, she walked him to the door
, and watched as he got into his car. She heard the engine start up and swallowed the urge to rush after him, tell him to stop and come back inside. She suddenly felt racked with guilt, and the need to explain. He’d behaved with such dignity this evening. Dignity and respect: he hadn’t confronted her, or demanded an explanation, or condemned her. She was the one who had hurled accusations and harangued him, while he’d heaped praise upon her for how she had managed. Did that mean he was a better person than she’d ever given him credit for?
Could somebody really change that much?
She thought about how much she had changed in the intervening years. She’d gone from go-getting career-girl-about-town to unassuming single mother with no career to speak of. The high-maintenance, glamorous creature she had been had faded into the background; whereas once she had been groomed and coiffed, sleek and coordinated, now she was casual, with little make-up and comfy (though she hoped not frumpy) clothes. Jeans and hoodies and cardies and cargo pants in soft colours replaced designer dresses and trouser suits. And now her idea of a good Saturday night wasn’t a fashionable watering hole or a dinner party attended by other success stories, but takeaway pizza and a video with Ted and a couple of his mates.
If she’d changed beyond recognition, then surely Johnny could have too?
When Charles came home at five to eight, Travis was, as promised, helping Henty in the kitchen with the supper. He stopped in the middle of chopping some garlic to shake Charles’s hand, then carried on with his task. Henty smothered a smile as Charles looked a little nonplussed: Travis looked at home already, opening cupboards and drawers to find what he wanted. Henty decided there was nothing sexier than a bloke who was comfortable in the kitchen but didn’t make a fuss about it. When Charles cooked, everyone had to know about it. He was constantly asking where things were, tutting if walnut oil or pine nuts weren’t readily available, utilizing every utensil then expecting everyone else to clear up after him as if he’d done them all some huge favour. Travis just got on with it. Henty was doing steak, jacket spuds and salad for the grown-ups and the two girls – Robin and Walter had already had chicken nuggets and were fighting in the bath and he rustled up a salad dressing without any fuss. It was Henty’s least favourite job. Charles hated ready-made, but she never got the balance right between oil and vinegar, no matter how many recipes she tried.
An Eligible Bachelor Page 18
