by L. P. Maxa
“Hales?”
“Can’t,” I gasped. “Breathe.”
“You’ve got to calm down, okay? You’re having a panic attack.” My pulse was fast, and I was hot all over. I closed my eyes tight, trying to focus on what Landry was saying. “I need you to take a big, deep breath for me. There is nothing wrong with your lungs. You can breathe.” I was still gasping for air. “Halen. Please calm down.”
When I got up and started pacing my room, the phone fell to the carpet with a soft thud. I could hear Landry trying to talk to me, but she sounded so far away. The walls felt like they were closing in. My eyes darted around my room, looking for a way out. An escape. They landed on the window and I opened it without really thinking. I climbed down, my bare feet hitting the green grass. And I ran. I didn’t know where I was going or why. I just knew I was suffocating in my bedroom and I couldn’t be in there for another second. Suddenly the old tree house came into view. At the sight of it I dropped down to my knees, letting my tears take over. I was seventeen all over again, with my heart breaking for the second time in the same week. I curled up in ball, the dew from the grass soaking into my thin t-shirt.
And I cried.
Just knowing he was on his way, on the road toward home, shattered my defenses. Shattered my perfectly constructed world.
“Hales? Oh my god, Hales.” I heard Cash before I saw him. I’d know that voice anywhere. He scooped me up and carried me to the tree house. I wanted to tell him no. I wanted to scream at him that I couldn’t go in there. But I couldn’t find my voice. So I gave up and I prepared myself for what I knew was about to happen.
***
“Sweets?”
I rolled my eyes at the question in Beau’s voice. Always the good guy; always so protective over my virtue. He hadn’t needed to be. It was his from day one.
“Don’t Sweets me like that. I’m not a child.”
He bit his bottom lip, looking me up and down. “I’m well aware of that, Hales.” He crossed the room and took my face in his hands, with reverence. “But you are four years younger than me—”
“Three and some change.” I winked.
“There is no pressure here. We can wait. We can wait until you’re older, until we’re not living on this compound anymore.” He kissed me. “We have one more year, and then we can go. Just you and me.”
I shook my head, smiling. “No more waiting, Beau.” I knew he loved me as much as I loved him. I knew he wanted me. This was my decision to make, and I was ready. I’d been ready for the last six months. “Please.” I peeled my shirt over my head, tossing it to the side. It was the middle of the night, and I’d snuck out to meet him here. At the tree house, the place we’d played as kids. My heart was pounding in my chest. But not from nervousness—it was all excitement. I knew that Beau would take care of me. I trusted him, always.
“Hales, baby, please, we can—”
“I want you, Beau.”
He went silent, my plea cutting him off. We stared at each other, my face still in his hands. Finally, he took in a deep inhale and picked me up. I wrapped my legs around his waist and ran my fingers through his messy, dark brown hair, knowing that I’d won. He laid me down on the pallet I’d made earlier that day, covering my mostly naked body with his, the material from his jeans rough against my bare thighs. “I want you too, Sweets. So damn bad.”
I reached between us and unbuttoned his pants, helping him slide them off. He gazed down at me, so much affection in his eyes. I knew there was no one else on this planet for me. Beau was everything. He was my past, my present and my future. He was my friend, my protector, my heart. And the way I felt right now, the way I wanted him…I never wanted this feeling to go away.
I reached down and grabbed a condom from the box I’d gotten at the gas station. I held it up and he took it, a smirk on his face. He’d used that excuse before, the excuse of not having a condom. He did any and everything to stop this from happening. He thought we needed to wait, he thought we needed to be off the compound and on our own. But I didn’t. And this time, I’d thought of everything. This time I was getting what I wanted. A whole night alone with Beau. I watched with fascination as he rolled the condom on. He was so confident, so sure of his every move. It made me want him even more.
“Are you sure you’re—”
“Beau. Stop thinking.” I arched up and placed my mouth on his. I tangled my tongue with his, kissing him deeply, just the way he liked. He melted against me, all tension slowly leaving his body. I felt the head of his cock at my entrance. Butterflies took flight in my stomach. I’d waited for this for so long. I wanted it to be Beau; there was no one else I could ever imagine wanting to give myself to.
His eyes searched mine. I knew he was looking for any shred of doubt, of wariness or reservation. I made sure that all he saw was love—and want. “Halen.”
I put my hands on his hips, pulling him toward me. “Please, Beau.” I didn’t know what I would do if he turned back now. I never wanted this desire in my heart to go away. I wanted to feel like this every time he looked at me.
I gasped when he entered me for the first time, the feeling somewhat foreign.
“I’m sorry, Sweets, I—”
I shook my head, biting down on my lower lip. “No, it’s okay. I’m okay. Please don’t stop.”
He pulled out slightly. “I love you so fucking much, Halen. Hurting you is the last thing I would ever do. You know that, right?”
I nodded. I knew he was talking about the pain I was feeling right now, the fullness of him inside me. But I also knew that he’d never break my heart. I trusted Beau with every fiber of my being; I always had.
I closed my eyes against the quick jolt of pain when he thrust forward.
He stilled inside me, letting me adjust, his breath fanning my flushed face. “Open your eyes, Halen.”
I did what he told me, and he then he started to move. His pace was slow and careful, always not wanting to hurt me. I knew what pleasure felt like. I knew because he taught me. He’d taught me what I liked, and how to get it. I moved my mouth to his ear, letting my panting drive him wild. I hiked my leg higher up his hip, opening myself for him. Letting him know that I was okay, that I wanted more.
His arms shook slightly on either side of my head. I wrapped my palms around his forearms while I looked into his gorgeous piercing blue eyes.
“You okay?”
I nodded, my mouth parting in pleasure when he buried himself fully inside me, grinding his pelvis against my clit. “I’m more than okay.”
He dipped down, doing a push up, then kissed my lips. His tongue danced with mine until we were both breathing so hard we had to stop. His forehead dropped to my shoulder. “Fuck, Sweets. You’re so tight, I can barely move. You feel so damn good.” The gravelly sound of his voice sent chills down my spine. I arched my neck, my moans filling the tree house. He moved his lips to my ear. “As good as you sound, baby, I need you to be quiet for me.”
“I don’t think I can. It’s never, it’s never…” I moaned again, louder this time. I thought the first time we were together like this it would hurt too much. I thought that it’d be good for him, but it’d take time for me to enjoy it. I was so wrong. His every move sent pleasure shooting through my body. “Beau.”
I screamed his name and he covered my mouth with his, swallowing my orgasm. He picked up speed, thrusting into me harder, faster. It wasn’t long before I was the one muffling his moans. His whole body shuddered, his cock twitching inside me. We stayed connected, both panting into the silent night.
After a few minutes he pulled back, and looked into my eyes. Once again searching.
I smiled. “I’m fine, Beau. I’m more than fine. I’m perfect.”
“I love you, Halen. I love you so much.”
***
“Hales? Can you hear me?” I felt Cash shake me but I couldn’t answer. The memory was too fresh, too hurtful. “Landry, she still isn’t talking.” His face came into view, his
eyes a picture of concern. “Yeah, she’s looking at me. She’s just not answering me.” He reached out and wiped a stray tear from my face. “She’s crying.” I watched as he held the phone to his ear and glanced at our surroundings. “I don’t think anyone else saw her. I brought her into the tree house.” His eyes met mine again, and he closed them for a second. “Shit. I didn’t even think about that. I was just trying to get her out of the field.” He nodded his head. “Yeah, you get to the airport, I’ve got her.” He pursed his lips, still studying me. “Have a safe flight…love you too.” He hung up and then sat down on the floor next to me, pulling me into his arms.
“I’m okay.”
“No. You aren’t.” He sighed and kissed the top of my head. “But I’m here. I got you.”
I wiped at my eyes with the hem of my shirt. “How’d you know where to find me?”
“Landry called me after you stopped responding to her.” His hands rubbed my hair. “The grass is so tall in the field right now I couldn’t see you at first.” I felt him shrug. “Probably a good thing though. If I couldn’t see you I’m guessing none of the ‘rents could either.” He chuckled. “Thank Jett. He was supposed to mow last weekend.”
“He’s coming home.” My whisper was small, weak.
“I know he is, Hales.” Cash stood and helped me to my feet. “Come on, let’s get you dry. I think Avory has some spare clothes in Crue’s room. We’ll get you fixed up and tell my parents you and I went for a run this morning, okay?”
I nodded, letting him lead me out of the tree house. I hopped on his back and he carried me all the way to his place, opening Crue’s window and lifting me inside with ease. His twin was sitting up in his bed scrolling through his phone. “Uh, what’s up Hales?”
I sat down next to him and Cash crawled in after me. “Avory have any clothes here?”
Crue raised an eyebrow but pointed to his dresser. “Bottom drawer in the back.”
When Cash threw me a pair of shorts and a t-shirt I went into Crue’s bathroom, changing quickly and splashing some cold water on my face. I looked as crazy and worn out as I felt. I went through his cabinets until I found a brush and one of my sister’s hair ties, pulling my hair on top of my head before turning out the light.
“Much better.” Cash smiled at me, brightly. No doubt they were talking about me while I was in the other room changing. Not that I blamed them. I’d just lost my shit, had a panic attack, and then pretty much blacked out for a few minutes. “You hungry?”
I shook my head.
Crue stood, rubbing his hands together. “Coffee?”
When I nodded he kissed me on the forehead on his way out of his bedroom. The twins were two years younger than me, but they treated all us girls like we were theirs to protect. Once Crue left I could feel Cash’s eyes boring into my skull. I sighed. “I’m okay.”
“Let’s not start that again, yeah?” He leaned against the wall, his arms crossed. “We don’t need another year of the ‘I’m okay’ mantra. No one believes you anyway.”
I let out a humorless laugh. “What the hell am I supposed to do, Cash? Should I keep crying? Have another panic attack? Lock myself in my room and refuse to come out until he leaves again? Yeah, that wouldn’t be suspicious at all.” I rubbed my eyes. “I have to be okay, I don’t have another choice. We’ve kept all this from the parents for two years. I’m not going to let all that secrecy…all those nights I spent crying into my pillow, go to waste.”
“Let’s leave then. Just you and me.” Cash put his hands on my shoulders then squatted down, tipping his face to hold my gaze. “We’ll take a little road trip, head up to Dallas and visit Evie.”
I shook my head. “If Uncle Jacks is making Beau and Landry come home, you know Uncle Smith is going to make Evie come too. For some stupid reason they want all hands on deck for this memorial.” I took a deep breath, willing myself not to start crying again. “I can do this.” I straightened my spine. “It’s been two years. I’ve mourned everything that happened. I can make it through a few days with Beau.”
Cash sidestepped to the left, blocking the doorway so I couldn’t leave. “We both know you aren’t prepared for this. It’s one thing when he’s five states away ignoring the fact that this place even still exists, it’s a whole other when he’s sitting across from you at family dinner.”
I loved my cousins so damn much. They were pains in my ass, but they were growing up to be such good men. So strong, so protective, so loving. “I have you guys. You and Crue, Jett even. As long as I have you guys with me running defense, I can do this. I don’t need to be alone with him, right? There is no reason for that. But avoiding him completely? The parents will start putting pieces together, and start asking questions. They can’t find out, Cash. That’s something I really won’t survive.” I got choked up, a lump forming in my throat. “They can’t know, they can’t ever—”
“Shhh, Hales. It’s okay.” Cash grabbed me, pulling me into his big frame, wrapping his arms around my back. “They’ll never find out. We promised. We all did.” He kissed the top of my head again. “No worries. We’re here.”
Chapter Four
Beau
All too soon I was back in Texas, just an hour outside Austin. The whole trip had been a blur. Memory after memory tried to push its way into my mind. I’d been blocking them out. I’d had my earbuds in and the volume had been turned up to a near-deafening decibel. Then our song, a silly little love song I’d learned to play on the guitar for her, came on and I’d been pulled under.
These are the days, of the endless summer
These are the days, the time is now
It was an old Van Morrison tune, someone her mom had always loved. His songs played in their home nonstop when we were growing up. That one had been Halen’s favorite. She’d been fourteen when she told me it reminded her of me. So I’d spent hours with my dad learning to play it. I’d told him it was extra credit in one of my music classes.
There is no past, there’s only future
There’s only here, there’s only now
I’d had every intention of skipping it, hitting shuffle, and moving on. There was no need to torture myself. But I just couldn’t do it. Instead, I let the notes worm their way into my soul. I smiled, despite myself, singing along until the very end.
These are the days that will last forever
You’ve got to hold them in your heart
I wouldn’t cry, but I wanted to. Over and over again. It didn’t matter how far I ran, it didn’t matter how much time had passed, how many miles I’d put between us. Remembering Halen, remembering the way I loved her, the way she loved me, it was like taking a bullet straight to my heart. My feelings never faded. No matter how hard I tried to let her go. She was a part of me, and I was a part of her.
Irrevocably.
***
“Hey, Beau, wait up a minute.”
I froze in my tracks, letting my Uncle Dash catch up while I prayed to every god under the sun that my uncle hadn’t heard Hales moaning my name last night. My girl was insatiable and vocal about it.
“What’s up?” I was fidgeting. Mostly because I was nervous, but also because I wanted as much time with Halen as possible before I had to head into work. I loved helping out part-time at our parents’ record label. My Aunt Lexi let me help her with artwork and graphics. It was like a hobby that my parents paid me for. That’s why I’d gone to school at the Art Institute—well, one of the reasons anyway. Being able to live at home and commute to Austin allowed me to be close to my girl.
“I wanted to talk to you about Halen.” I fought the urge to pass out.
“Uh, what about her?” Please don’t be because he found condoms in her trash. Please don’t let me have been that stupid.
“Is everything okay with her? Did she go through a breakup we don’t know about? Problems with her friends at school?”
I jerked back slightly, completely relieved. “No. Everything is fine. Why?”
�
��I just feel like she’s become so serious lately. She’s home all the time, she never parties anymore, she doesn’t go out. Every time we ask her what’s wrong, she says nothing, that she just likes being home.”
I raised my eyebrows. “That’s a bad thing?” I hated feeling possessive, like I was keeping her from her life. I was older than she was, and I’d lived more than she had. But at the same time, I wanted her with me.
“Not necessarily.” He shrugged. “But she was always out with her friends before, I mean that girl was never home. And now it’s the polar opposite. I want to make sure everything is okay. I don’t want her to look back on this time in her life and have regrets. You’re an adult for the rest of your life, but you’re only a kid for so long. You know what I mean, right?”
I did know what he meant. I was an adult and she wasn’t. I was too old for her right now. I was making her miss out on her adolescence. She should be drinking cheap keg beer at lake parties and cheering at football games, not on the back of my bike looking for a deserted dirt road.
I swallowed past the lump in my throat. “You want me to talk to her?”
He put his hand on my shoulder. “I want to make sure she’s okay. And I know she won’t tell me if something is going on. Maybe she’s having some problems at school. You’re like her brother, her best friend. She’ll talk to you.”
After all this time, he still saw me as her friend, her big brother. It made guilt gnaw at my gut. We were lying to our parents’ faces, day in and day out. And her father had noticed a change in her. A change I’d caused. He thought she was missing out on all the fun things being young and wild had to offer. And he was right. “Sure, I’ll talk to her.”
My uncle went out the front door, completely trusting me here alone with his seventeen-year-old daughter. I continued down the hallway toward her room, his words weighing on my mind. She still went out with her friends, right? I wracked my brain trying to remember the last time we’d spent an evening apart. I knocked on her door, opening it at the same time.
“Hey.” Halen was sitting on her bed, surrounded by textbooks. She was so smart. She loved to read. Her brain was like a sponge, always had been.
