by Ava Bell
I open my eyes but I can’t seem to focus them. I can hear people around me talking, but I just can’t process what they’re saying. The last thing I remember was laughing at a joke someone was telling. I don’t remember hearing a crash and I don’t remember hearing sirens, but something bad must have happened because I can’t move and I’m in extreme pain.
“Please help make this pain go away,” I say, grabbing for something, anything. Suddenly I feel as though I’m floating, drifting off, and I have no control, but I can still hear what’s going on around me.
I know they must have given me some strong drugs because I think I’m hallucinating when I hear a voice. I know that voice. I’ve been in love with that voice for the last three years. It’s her voice.
“Maggie, what’s wrong?” I hear someone say. I try again to open my eyes, needing to open my eyes. I need to know if this is all a dream, and I then finally let go. I give up and just drift in and out of consciousness as I dream of Maggie’s voice.
“Sam? Sam, can you open your eyes?” I hear this over and over and when I open them, I see a man standing over me, so I blink several times until his face comes into focus.
“Good job, Sam,” he says. “Sam, do you know what happened? Do you remember the accident?”
I can barely speak, my throat sore and scratchy. “Where am I?” I ask.
“Sam, you were in an accident two days ago,” he replies. I squint my eyes tightly closed and open them, and this time my focus is much better. I look around the room, seeing machines and an IV. I’m in a hospital.
“I need to sit up,” I say, trying to grab the rail of the bed, but my arms are confined and I’m unable to move them.
“Sam, I’m Dr. Eppard. We can’t let you sit up right now. You’ve suffered a severe fractured vertebrae, and several fractured ribs. You also have a punctured lung. You also have a chest tube in that will help remove the air from your chest cavity, which we will remove in a day or two. We have you on pain medication to help control the pain, but it’s important that you refrain from moving around too much.” As he explains, I drift in and out.
I suddenly feel this excruciating pain in my back, so I open my eyes and look around. I can see someone sitting in the chair across the room. I blink my eyes several times but I can’t seem to focus.
“My back, I can’t stand the pain,” I say, squinting my eyes, trying to look at the blurry figure walking towards me. I can hear her voice. “I’ll get your nurse, try not to move too much,” she says. My mind is playing tricks on me, and it has to be all the drugs they have me on, because I know that sweet voice can only belong to one person . . . Maggie.
I walk through the ICU doors and into room three where Sam is sleeping. He isn’t aware that I’ve been visiting him for the past four days. Every evening before my shift I sit quietly in his room and watch him. I watch his body tense from the pain when he tries to move and I’m still in total shock that it’s really him, it’s really Sam. I push the call button for his nurse and before she comes into the room, I try to slip out but she notices me.
“He’s doing so much better,” she says, as I walk past her. “They may move him to a regular room in a couple of days. Are you family?” I stop and turn, hoping she doesn’t see my badge. If she says my name he will know it’s me.
“No, I was working in the ER the night they brought him in and was just checking on him.”
“I thought I recognized you. He was in pretty bad shape when we got him, but he’s really showed a lot of improvement over the last forty-eight hours.”
“That’s great. Has there been any family here?” I ask, thinking about what Sam told me about his family.
“Yes, his family has been here. A sister, I think, and his dad,” she says, walking further into the hallway.
She leans in close to me and speaks quietly. “The rumor going around is that he is a singer. I’ve never heard of him: Sam Austin.” My heart races at the sound of his name. I thank her and walk as fast as I can towards the door out of the ICU.
Over the next week I keep track of Sam’s progress and I did run into his sister and dad one morning when I stopped in before going home. They didn’t question who I was, since I’m sure they thought I was just another nurse looking in on her patient. On my drive home one morning a thought suddenly enters my mind; this may be my only chance to tell Sam he has a daughter. Something deep down tells me it’s the right thing to do. I make up my mind right then that when he’s mentally ready I will tell him.
It’s been three weeks since Sam’s accident. Aunt Virginia and I have been discussing whether I should tell Sam about his daughter. She’s very adamant about me being honest with him, but I’m just afraid what it will do to Ellie. It’s been just the two of us for the last three years, and with Josh being the only male figure in her life besides my father, I’m not sure how she would react.
Just as I’m walking towards the elevators to go upstairs to look in on Sam, Josh comes around the corner. I can’t hide the guilt I feel for not telling Josh about Sam and I can tell he’s going to question me.
“Hey there, beautiful, where are you headed?” he asks, as I fidget with the strap on my purse. “Didn’t your shift ended thirty-minutes ago?” He wraps his arms around me, and I can feel my body tense up as I avoid making eye contact with him.
“I was . . . I was going the sixth floor to say hello to a friend who was just hired last week,” I lie, looking at the floor.
“Okay, well how about dinner tonight?” he says, looking into my eyes. “It’s been too long since I’ve seen my two girls.”
I answer him quickly as the elevator door opens. “Sure, that sounds great,” I say, stepping inside the elevator. “I’ll call you when I get up.” The door closes and I let out a huge breath, slumping against the wall of the elevator. I know I will eventually have to tell Josh about Sam, but I’m just not sure how this will affect our relationship. Just as I’m about to walk into Sam’s room, I see him sitting up and talking on his phone. I back away quickly and head towards the elevator, hoping he didn’t see me. I nervously tap the button several times while I look over my shoulder. I’m just not ready for him to know I’m here, but he will know soon enough.
A MONTH AFTER Sam was wheeled into the ER, he is well enough to be moved to the hospital’s rehab unit, and I’m glad to hear he’s walking on his own and his fractures are healing nicely. One evening before my shift, I quietly sneak into the rehab facility hoping to go unnoticed and just as I come around the corner, I come face to face with my past. I should have known better. I wasn’t expecting that Sam would be walking the halls. Sam and I stand in the hallway in front of each other, staring, and I’m frozen with fear. I can see it in his eyes too.
“Maggie?” he says softly. “Is that really you?” He moves closer towards me as I slowly back up, feeling panicked, each step feeling like I’m sinking in quicksand.
“It’s me, Sam.” I can barely get the words out before the tears start to form in my eyes and he looks at me, confused.
“What are you doing here?” he asks. I close my eyes and take a deep breath.
“I work here . . . in the ER.” I’m still unable to move. “Sam, I was working the night they brought you in.” Sam walks towards me and holds his hand out. My heart races and I suddenly feel light-headed. I grab his hand as he pulls me into a hug and I slowly wrap my arms around him and breathe in his scent . . . I’m screwed.
We find a quiet place to sit and talk. He questions me about what I’ve been doing for the last three years, and I choosing my words carefully, since we’re both not ready for the truths that lie ahead of us. When I finally pull myself away from Sam, I’m a complete wreck. I can barely see through my tears as I walk to the parking lot. I sit in my car for a while before I call the ER and tell them I’m not feeling well and that I won’t be in tonight. Still unable to focus enough to drive, thoughts form in my head about how Sam will react when I do tell him about Ellie, and how this will affect he
r. She’s so little, I’m not sure she will even understand.
When I pull into the driveway, Aunt Virginia opens the door and waits on the front porch. She knows me too well, she knows there’s something wrong.
“You are home,” she says, as I walk up the steps. “There’s something wrong, isn’t there?” She follows me inside.
“No, not really, I don’t know.” I exhale sharply. “Sam and I talked. We ran into each other in the hallway. I thought I was being sneaky . . . I thought.” I wipe the tears from my eyes.
“Maggie, he was going to eventually see you. That’s what you wanted, wasn’t it?” I lean into her and she puts her arms around me.
“Yes, but I wasn’t prepared. I hadn’t planned on seeing him just yet and it caught me off-guard.” Aunt Virginia consoles me as my emotions take over.
After I tell her what happened and that Sam and I talked, I walk upstairs to check on Ellie. I slowly open the door, hoping I don’t wake her, but she pops up the second she sees me. I smile when she reaches for me, so I crawl into the bed and put my arms around her. I need to hold her, to feel she’s the one thing that matters most, and we both fall asleep.
One morning, after a particularly long and exhausting shift, Josh is waiting for me as I clock out. He’s leaning against the doorway and smiling when I come out into the hallway.
“Maggie, you look tired,” he says. “I’ll walk you to your car.” Then he puts his arm around my waist as we walk. Just as I’m unlocking the door, Josh looks at me, his eyebrows furrowed. He’s got questions but I’m not sure I have answers.
“We need to talk. I miss you.” I feel sick because I know I have to tell him everything. “There’s something going on, so do you want to tell me?” I lower my head and nod as I exhale.
“Yes, we need to talk. Can we go to your place? I need to get away from here.” He nods and tells me he will meet me there. I rehearse everything I want to say on the drive over and I’m ready to tell him everything, until I follow him inside. Josh takes my face in his hands and kisses me, and for a second I lose track of my thoughts, dreading the look on his face when I tell him Sam is here. We sit on the sofa and I turn towards him. I’m ready to get this over with.
“Josh, I want you to know that you mean so much to me.” He holds my shaking hands as I speak. “You remember how I told you about Ellie’s father, Sam? Eight-weeks ago he was involved in a car accident. He was brought to Georgia Regional, and I was working that night. I was shocked when I realized it was him. He knows I work there, Josh. I haven’t told him about Ellie, but I think he needs to know, so I’m going to tell him.”
Josh stares as though he’s looking right through me. I can see that he’s trying to process everything I’ve just said.
“I’m not going to tell you what I think you should do, Maggie. This is between you and Sam,” he says. “I don’t want to lose you, Maggie. I’ll be here for you if you need me.” Then he leans in to kiss me, and as I drive home from Josh’s, I feel like a few of the bricks have been lifted off my shoulders.
Over the next few days I check in on Sam regularly, and we spend most of that time talking like we are old friends, but he’s still the same person I met more than three years ago. I tell him that New York didn’t work out and that’s why I moved here with Aunt Virginia. One evening before my shift we decide to meet in the hospital cafeteria. He greets me with a smile
“Hey, guess what? They’re letting me go home on Monday.” My heart sinks and he can see it on my face.
“What’s wrong, Maggie?” he asks.
I shake my head. “Nothing, that’s great. I really need to get to work.” Feeling like I might lose it at any moment, I get up and walk towards the door and Sam watches as I hurry to the elevator. I have three days to figure out just how I’m going to break all this to him. My shift flies by and I feel like my head has been in a fog the entire time. I step onto the elevator and push the button for the sixth floor. This is it; I have to tell Sam today.
Sam is talking on his phone as I walk into his room, but he smiles and waves. My pulse picks up and my breathing gets faster when I overhear him talking about making flight arrangements back to Chicago. I consider changing my mind about telling him while I sit and wait, and before I decide to leave, he ends the call.
“Hey, you left so fast last night. What happened?” He moves closer to me. I freeze and he places his hands on my shoulders.
I take a deep breath and slowly let it out. “Sam, I need to tell you something.” I need to get this over with as soon as I can and I wonder if he can see me shaking. “Sam, you have a daughter. Her name is Ellie and she’s three years old.”
He looks at me, confused, as though I am speaking in a foreign language. Then he shakes his head and stands up. “What do you mean I have a daughter? What are you talking about, Maggie?” He slowly backs away from me.
“Sam, that’s why I left New York. I found out two months after I moved there.” My voice shakes.
“I don’t . . . why didn’t you tell me?” I take a deep breath and walk over to him, but he quickly turns away from me.
“I didn’t know how . . . I couldn’t find you, I tried.” I say, as the tears fall down my cheeks. I stand and watch him pace back and forth and when he turns and looks at me, I see nothing but hurt and anger in his eyes.
“WHAT THE FUCK, MAGGIE! YOU’RE TELLING ME THAT FOR THE LAST THREE YEARS I’VE HAD A DAUGHTER THAT I KNEW NOTHING ABOUT?” he yells. I lower my head as I slowly walk towards the door, but Sam grabs my arm and turns me around to face him. My heart breaks when I see the tears in his eyes. “Get out! Get out of my room. I can’t stand here and look at you. Please. Just leave now,” he says, turning his back to me.
I hear the door close and my legs shake as I slowly walk towards the bed to sit down. I feel like I’ve just been hit by a truck as I try to make sense of what just happened. I lie back on the bed and close my eyes, hoping this is just a bad nightmare.
When I open my eyes, I see Adam, my manager, standing next to my bed.
“Hey, Sam, you’re looking good. I hear they’re going to release you in a couple of days,” he says. I sit up and run my hands through my hair.
“Hey, Adam, I didn’t hear you come in,” I say. “Yeah, they’re going to kick me out of here.” I try to focus on Adam and what he’s saying.
He hands me a stack of papers, so I look over them and they’re mostly insurance stuff for me to sign.
“Get those signed as soon as you can,” he says. “Also, we have some new show dates. You’ll have a couple of months to get back to your normal activities before you go back on the road.”
I can hear Adam talking, but my mind is somewhere else. “Okay, cool. I’m ready anytime.” I say, nodding.
“Sam, you’re not ready. The docs want you to continue your rehab when you get back to Chicago, so I want you to take it slow for a few weeks, and then we’ll decide where to start.”
“Okay, sounds great. I’m ready to get out of here as soon as possible.” I walk Adam to the door.
“There will be a car to take you to the airport Monday evening, and I’ll call you just as soon as I know what time,” he says. Then he shakes my hand and walks out.
For the last twenty-four hours I’ve felt restless and lost as those words go over and over in my head. “Sam, you have a daughter.” My mind wonders as I stare out the window. Her name is Ellie and I wonder what she looks like. Does she look like Maggie? Does she have her beautiful strawberry-blonde hair? Does she have my dimples, my eyes? I can’t fight the tears back any longer. I know I shouldn’t have been so mean to Maggie, but I can’t understand how she could keep this from me for three years. My mind continues to race with all sorts of questions, so I pick up the hospital phone and push zero. I ask the operator for the ER, and when a woman answers, I ask her if Maggie is on duty tonight.
“I’m sorry, sir, but I can’t give out information on the staff,” she says. After several attempts to find out when Ma
ggie’s next shift is, I come up with nothing. I decide to walk down there and find out myself. Three nurses and one doctor later, I know she’s won’t be back until Tuesday night. That’s too late! I wrack my brain for any information she may have given me that will lead me to her. I know her Aunt Virginia lives on a lake, but the problem is finding out which lake. I call Adam; he has connections and maybe he can help.
“Adam, I need a favor.” I begin telling him that I need to find the ER nurse that treated me after the accident and within two hours I have her address.
AS THE TAXI pulls into the driveway, my heart feels as if it’s going to jump out of my chest. I sit in the backseat and look at the house; on the front porch there’s a small pink tricycle that has to be Ellie’s. I ask the driver to wait and I take a deep breath as I slowly climb the front steps, each one feeling like I’m climbing the side of a mountain. My hand shakes as I ring the doorbell. I see the curtains move and I hear footsteps getting closer.
“You must be Aunt Virginia,” I say, when the door opens. She studies my face for a second and smiles.
“And you’re Sam. I know those eyes,” she says, stepping back to open the door. “Come in, Maggie is upstairs. I’ll go get her.”
I can feel the sweat slide down my temple as I wait and the seconds feel like hours. When I hear footsteps and I turn to see Maggie coming down the stairs, I can’t believe how beautiful she is. Why did I ever let her go? I can see by her puffy eyes she’s been crying and I feel a twinge of pain in my heart because I know I’m the one responsible.
Maggie stands in front of me at a distance.
“What do you want, Sam?” she asks. As I move closer, she moves farther away until she’s backed against the wall. I quickly look around to make sure we are alone and I press myself against her as our mouths crash together. And as I lose myself in this kiss, Maggie kisses me back. Seconds later she presses her hands against my chest and shoves me back, but I know I deserved it. The memories that flood my mind during that kiss are overwhelming and I’m not the only one who felt them.
