by Ava Bell
“Well, it looks like you’re going somewhere for a while?” Sam walks out from the closet.
“They are packed and ready for Sunday. I’ll be gone for six weeks. I thought I gave you my schedule?”
I suddenly feel my heart drop. “Oh, you did, I remember now,” I say. I turn and walk towards the door, but Sam grabs me by the arm, pulling me close to him.
“Are you upset?”
I shake my head. “No, of course not, this is what you’ve worked so hard to achieve”
I try to gently push Sam back, but he pulls me closer until the front of our bodies are touching. We stand and stare into each other’s eyes for what seems like forever.
“I hope you realize that no matter how hard you try to keep your distance from me, my affection for you will never die,” he whispers.
I feel speechless and my heart flutters. I feel like the world could be on fire outside of these walls right now but it wouldn’t matter because, in that very moment, I belong to him, and suddenly, I know he belongs to me.
The entire day was perfect. It was made for just the three of us and I didn’t want it to end. As I glance at Ellie sleeping in the backseat, I can’t help but smile. Sam reaches over and holds my hand as we drive back to Aunt Virginia’s. He looks over at me as we get closer to the house and I can see the question in his eyes. I nod my head slowly and he turns the car around.
Sam carries Ellie upstairs while she sleeps and lays her down in her bed while I stand in front of the large window downstairs, looking out onto the pool. I watch the sun slowly makes its descent and I can feel Sam standing close behind me.
“When I look at the sunset I think of that weekend we spent together,” he says, wrapping his arms around my waist. I lean my head back against his chest.
“If you had to do it all over again, what would you change?” I ask him. He pauses for several seconds before he answers.
“I would have met you a lot sooner so I could love you longer.”
Sam and I continue to watch the sun sink lower and lower until the sky is black.
6 weeks later
JUST AS I carry the last piece of luggage upstairs, I hear the doorbell. I turn to answer it, thinking that maybe I’ve left something and the driver is bringing it back. When I open the door I see Josh standing on the other side.
“Hey, Sam,” he says, plunging his hands into his front pockets. “I hope I didn’t catch you at a bad time.” I open the door wide and invite him in. “No, not at all. I just got home, come in.” Josh steps in. “I’m just going to grab something to drink.” He follows me into the kitchen and stands there awkwardly.
“Is everything okay?” I ask, opening the refrigerator door. “Can I get you something to drink? A beer or a bottle of water?” Josh sits down at the breakfast bar. “Sure, I’ll take a water.” I grab two bottles and hand him one while I stand on the opposite side. Josh exhales and looks down. I can tell there’s something on his mind and he needs to talk.
“Sam, I came here to ask you to do something for me.” I nod my head as I take a drink. “I need you to promise me that you will take care of Maggie.” I look at Josh in confusion while he continues.
“I love Maggie more than anything, but I’m not the one that makes her happy.” I can see the sincerity in his eyes.
“Josh, what are you talking about?” He moves around to where I’m standing and looks me directly in the eye.
“Sam, I’m not blind; I see how she looks at you. She has never looked at me that way,” I nod my head, still unsure of what to say.
I look him in the eye and do my best to be as honest as I can. “I won’t lie to you, Josh. I’ve loved Maggie since the day we said goodbye in Chicago, probably even before then. I don’t really think it’s up to us though . . . don’t you think Maggie has a say in this and she may not want to be with me?” Josh forces a smile. “She has made that decision. We talked about it several times over the past few weeks. She belongs to you, Sam, always has.” I get a warm sensation in my chest when I hear those words. I know it must have been hard for him to come here, and I’m not sure I could have done it myself. But I appreciate his words just the same.
Josh leaves and I close the door, confused. I know Maggie mentioned that she and Josh were going through a bumpy time in their relationship, but I wasn’t expecting a visit from him. I resist the urge to call Maggie, since she doesn’t need to know Josh and I talked, so I walk upstairs for a shower and a good night’s sleep.
I wake up to the ding of my cell phone and I smile because I know it’s a text message from Maggie; I left her a message last night before I went to bed so she would know I was home.
Maggie: Good morning! Your daughter is driving me insane to see her daddy.
Me: Who is this?
I know this will piss her off, but I love it when she gets her feathers ruffled.
Maggie: EXCUSE ME? I think you know who this is and I’m giving you one hour to get over here!
Me: Don’t get so pissy, I’m jumping in the shower now. I’ll be there soon, unless you want to come over and help me :)
Maggie: Hahaha, get your butt over here ASAP!
As I’m getting out of the car Ellie comes running out of the house and towards me, so I scoop her up and whirl her around while she giggles. Then she hugs me and I chase her up the steps into the house.
When I see Maggie standing in the kitchen, I stand unnoticed and watch her as she laughs. She hates her laugh and I tease her about it, but honestly, Maggie’s laughter sparkles like a splash of water in sunlight, I can never get enough of that sound.
“Oh hey! I didn’t hear you come in,” she says, trying to stifle her laughter. She slowly walks towards me like a tiger that is stalking its prey. She lifts up on her toes and wraps her arms around my neck, kisses me on the cheek. As I hold her close to me I whisper in her ear, “I’ve missed you so much. You better back away before I get myself in trouble.” She steps back and that’s when I notice how much weight she’s lost. It catches me off-guard and she can see it on my face.
“Sam, stop looking at me like that.” She crosses her arms over her chest and frowns at me.
“I’m sorry, I wasn’t expecting to see you so thin.”
She looks down at her feet. “It’s the chemo treatments, Sam. I have no appetite.” I suddenly feel like such an asshole. We had talked about her treatments several times over the last six weeks, but I wasn’t expecting to see her so thin.
I reach my hand out to her and she grabs it, pulling me into the other room. “Let’s go somewhere and talk,” she says, and I follow her upstairs.
“Talk to me, Maggie.” I sit next to her on the bed.
“Sam, the chemo treatments are kicking my ass!” She leans her head on my shoulder as I pull her to me.
“I’m here for the next eight weeks, so you have to gain some weight or I’m moving you in with me. I’ll force-feed you if I have to.”
Maggie lowers her head and nods. “Okay, I promise I’ll eat more.” She kisses me softly on the neck.
“Maybe you should move in with me.” She’s quiet and I know this is something she will have to think about. Later that evening, instead of me bringing it up, she does. She agrees to move in for the next eight weeks.
Once everything is unpacked and put away, I sit by the pool to watch Maggie and Ellie swim. This feels right, as if it’s all come full circle. I love watching them together; it makes me wonder why my mother left us at such a young age. How does a woman who gives life to the most precious thing in the world walk away? I’ve always blamed myself, since I knew there were times I could be a selfish brat. Karen and I fought non-stop just like siblings do, but after she left, I chose to carry the burden. Maggie is the most amazing mother in the world, so attentive and nurturing towards Ellie. I want to make sure her childhood is perfect, unlike my own, and I’ll do everything in my power to give her that.
The first two weeks fly by and the three of us spend every waking moment together,
but by the third week it all comes crashing down. Maggie’s chemotherapy treatments become more and more intense. The medication they’ve been giving her for the side effects don’t seem to be working like they were before. Today was the first time I was able to go with her. I watch her as she sits in the recliner with IV’s stuck in her arm, headphones in her ears, and a stack of magazines in her lap. Her eyes are closed while she taps her foot to the music only she can hear. I’m in awe of her perseverance and upbeat attitude. The doctors are very optimistic that after she completes her treatments her odds of beating it will be greater. Maggie continues to gain weight each week and although it’s not much, it’s enough to keep me and her doctors happy.
On our drive home, Maggie keeps a blue plastic bag in her lap, open and ready, and the nausea hits her quickly. I grip the steering wheel while I go well over the speed limit, wanting to get her home as soon possible. Once we hit the driveway, Maggie has the car door open, ready to jump out before I can even put the car in park. I follow her as she races upstairs to the bathroom and she’s bent over the toilet before I can get to her. I feel helpless while I watch her small body convulse with each heave. I have wet washcloths ready while I pull her hair back with a ponytail holder, but she swats and grunts at me when I place a cold washcloth on her forehead. I know it’s not me she’s pushing away, so I tell myself to stay strong and be there, no matter what.
The next morning is the hardest; dark circles under her eyes, her skin is pale, and her appetite is nonexistent. Oatmeal seems to work best after her treatments and it takes nearly two hours for her to finish a small bowl. I turn as Ellie is sneaking up behind me.
“AH HA!” I say, catching her off-guard as she screams with delight.
“Daddy! I wanted to scare you, but you scared me.” I pick her up and sit her on the large granite island.
“I bet you want pancakes, don’t you?”
She rubs her eyes and nods her head.
“Okay, but I’ll need your help with them.” I kiss her forehead. Just as I set Ellie’s pancakes in front of her, I can hear Maggie slamming doors and I walk upstairs carrying her breakfast. I stand in the doorway of my bedroom and watch her as she goes through a pile of clothes that litter the floor. I clear my throat to get her attention.
“Where the hell are my black yoga pants?” She huffs when she sees me.
“They were here yesterday. Did you put them somewhere?” She quickly passes by me and down the stairs. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. This isn’t Maggie; I know it’s the result of all the medications she’s taking, and it’s always worse the day after her treatments. I set the tray down and follow her, watching her as she goes through the basket of dirty laundry sitting on top of the washer.
“Maggie, you have more than one pair of black yoga pants. There has to be a clean pair in the drawer upstairs.”
She stops and looks up at me with sadness in her eyes. “What do you see when you look at me?” she asks. I run my hands over my face as she stares into my eyes.
“I don’t know what you mean,” I say, looking down.
“LOOK AT ME!” she screams. “What do you see?”
“I DON’T KNOW, MAGGIE! WHAT DO YOU SEE?” I can feel my patience being tested and she looks away. I can barely hear her reply.
“I see death.” We stand there in the laundry room in silence until she pushes by me and runs upstairs. I hear the door slam and I choose to give her some space to calm down.
Just as I place the last of the breakfast dishes into the dishwasher I hear Ellie giggling as she runs through the kitchen.
“Aunt Vi is coming to pick me up. Hurry, Daddy, I need to get my pj’s packed. We’re going to have a slumber party!” She pulls on my hand to get me moving.
“Okay, I’ll help you,” I say. Then we gather up the things she has laid out on her bed and pack them into her small bag.
I kiss Ellie goodbye before she runs out to meet Aunt Virginia and I stand waving on the front steps as they drive away. I pause on the steps before I go inside. It’s been a couple of hours since Maggie’s meltdown and I want to make sure she’s okay.
I slowly open the bedroom door while Maggie sleeps, trying to be as quiet as possible. I softly close the bathroom door and turn on the shower. Minutes later, I turn to see Maggie as she opens the shower door. She wraps her arms around my waist, pressing her body up against mine. I turn to hold her while the warm water washes over our bodies. No words are said; I lift her up and she wraps her legs around my waist. Then I push her against the tile, and Maggie kisses me with so much urgency that it ignites a passion within me. God, how I’ve wanted her, and she knew it, but I wanted Maggie to be the one to initiate it. I wanted her to be ready and to want me just as bad, so for the last three weeks I’ve waited for her to come to me. Maggie grabs both of my shoulders to keep from sliding down as I guide my way in. Just hearing her moan and growl makes it difficult for me to stay in control. I bury my face in her neck and whisper softly.
“Oh God, Maggie, you feel so good.” I slowly push inside her as she moans and bites my neck. I feel her body move against mine, each time going deeper and deeper until I can’t hold back any longer. “Come with me, baby.” I can feel her shake as she releases a low, deep moan. Just hearing that pushes me over the edge and I thrust deeper until we both loosen our grip on each other.
Maggie lies on her stomach with her eyes closed as I lay my head on her back just above her butt. I plant small kisses up and down her spine as she wiggles and laughs.
“Why haven’t you talked to me about what happened between you and Josh?” I ask.
I can feel her tense up immediately. “There’s nothing to tell, Sam.” She rolls over to sit up.
“There has to be.”
She exhales and tilts her head. “He knows I’m in love with you, Sam. My heart hasn’t been whole for a long time and it wasn’t fair to give him just a piece of it when someone else had the biggest part.” And that’s all I needed to hear, we lay silently holding each other until Maggie falls asleep. While Maggie sleeps I grab my phone and creep downstairs, trying not to wake her. I pull up my manager’s number and press call. I don’t want Maggie to hear me when I tell Adam that I’ve decided to put off my next set of shows. I know he won’t be happy, but I can’t leave Maggie until she finishes her chemo treatments. It shouldn’t affect my finances; my new CD is doing well and I would really like to takes some extra time to work on the list of songs I’ve started writing.
After Adam and I work out the details of rescheduling the shows, I grab a bottle of wine and a glass and go out by the pool to call my sister, Karen.
“Sam, it everything okay?” she asks.
“Hey, Karen, everything is fine. How’s everything there?” I pour a glass of wine and listen as Karen fills me in on how Dad has been taking his anti-depression meds and back to working his regular schedule. I take a sip of wine and clear my throat.
“I’m taking some time off, Karen. I need to be here for Maggie and Ellie. I’m thinking about booking a flight for the three of us to Oklahoma. I think it’s time you and Dad meet Ellie and Maggie.”
“I think that’s a great idea,” Karen says, her tone filled with excitement.
“I’ll let you know within the week. Tell Dad I said hey and I’ll talk to you later.” I set my phone down just as Maggie walks out onto the patio. She straddles my lap and wraps her arms around my neck. “Did I wake you?” I wrap my arms around her waist.
“No, I didn’t feel you next to me when I woke up, so I came looking for you.” She smiles and wiggles, knowing she has my attention.
“Hey, what do you think about taking a trip?”
“A trip? Where?” she asks, sipping on my glass of wine. “To Oklahoma. I want my family to meet you and Ellie.” She slides off my lap and sits in the chair next to me.
“I would love to meet them, but you only have a few more days before you are back out on tour.” I take a deep breath and tell her that I’m not goin
g anywhere for a while. I knew she wouldn’t take it well. Maggie puts up a good solid argument, but in the end I win.
I schedule our trip to Oklahoma around Maggie’s chemotherapy treatments. I don’t want to overwhelm Maggie, so we decide five days is plenty of time for everyone to get acquainted. When we tell Ellie that she gets to meet her grandpa Austin, she looks at me confused.
“I have a grandpa already,” she says, looking at me with her big blue eyes. “Poppie Taylor is my grandpa.”
I laugh as I do my best to explain to her that most little girls have two grandpas and she gets to meet grandpa number two in just three days. She climbs off my lap and skips away, satisfied with my explanation.
Three days into our trip to Oklahoma, Maggie develops a fever, along with swelling under her right arm. She failed to tell me that this has been going on for several days, but didn’t want to disappoint Ellie or me. She knew how excited I was to see my dad and Karen.
I sit on the side of the bed and caress the side of her face. “Please, Maggie, I’m worried about this fever. Let’s just go and have it checked out . . . I’m begging you.” My eyes plead with her. She looks away when she sees how worried I am.
“Sam, please don’t make me go. I’m scared.” Her tears are streaming down her cheeks. Maggie adamantly refused to see a doctor, so the next morning, I book a flight home for the three of us.
THE TWO-HOUR FLIGHT could not go fast enough. Maggie’s fever was gone, but I could see that she was still not feeling well. “Maggie,” I say, lifting her chin so I can see her eyes. “As soon as we drop Ellie off at your aunt’s, I’m taking you to the emergency room.”
Maggie pleads to me with her eyes. “I don’t have a fever anymore, Sam. I’m fine.” I shake my head, knowing she’s not telling me the truth and there’s no use in arguing with her. If I have to force her I will. The car is silent on the way home, since Ellie has fallen asleep and Maggie continues to stare out the window. I decide to forego taking Ellie to Aunt Virginia’s and head home.
