by Naff Writer
“The whole thing is bigger than we thought, sir,” chimed in Grant London.
Lightfoot released his grip on the taser trigger. “Right. I’ll speak to the DA’s office and ICE. Head out to Asid’s, Dennis. Standish is waiting for you. When you get there, act casual, pretend to reason with him and then we’ll swoop in for the nab. I’ll send back-up after you as soon as you leave the building. I’ll have you covered, don’t worry. No bitter ex-con or gypo circus is going to harm my best detective!” and with that Lightfoot sent another burst of electricity into the dartboard while with the other hand he finished off his champagne glass of Earl Grey.
Bolam and Grant were back in the Rover and speeding to Asid’s corner shop and grill. Bolam drank heavily from his J&B bottle and lit another Rothmans with his novelty lighter that was shaped like a woman and whose tits popped out when the lighting mechanism was depressed. This lighter he had bought for himself in a rare off duty moment. Grant London let out a “Phwoar” when he saw the tiny rubber boobs inflate out of the metal female figure. “Where’d ya get that?” he asked, adjusting the bulge in his pants.
“Nicked it from the sex shop didn’t I.” said Bolam casually blowing smoke everywhere. “There you go, you can ‘av it. I’ve got another one indoors” He snickered and threw it in London’s lap.
“Ouch, careful!” cried London, trying to force down another truncated boner.
Suddenly the detectives walkie talkies crackled into life. “Bravo two Zero, are you hearing me, over?”
It was Lightfoot.
“Yes Guv!” barked Bolam, taking another swig of J&B.
Lightfoot continued: “Back-up is on it’s way, repeat, back-up is on it’s way.”
“Copy that.” Said Grant getting in on the red hot walkie talkie action. He knew it sounded silly but he was learning a lot from Jack Bauer. He had seen a whole series of 24 from a boxed set when he was round at Eileen Monuments, in between bouts of frenzied yet tender sexual intercourse. That was why he had been there for so long, and it hadn’t just been a quick one-two. But apart from the TV entertainment and the sex he did also like Eileen who was quite fit for an older woman and she was more attentive than younger girls, making him bacon sandwiches and other snacks.
Bolam threw his walkie talkie into the back of the car where its landing was cushioned by countless empty chikken ticka slice wrappers.
“There he is!” pointed London, his finger almost up against the windscreen. He was pointing with the hand that was holding the booby lighter and his thumb was gently massaging the front of the figure where the bubble-like boobs come out.
Bolam had already seen Standish, though. He was leaning against the wall where they had had their earlier fiery exchange and now wearing a huge ginger wig, as if to take the piss out of Bolam and London. The rover came to a screeching halt and Bolam undid his seatbelt.
“Don’t you think you should wait for back-up, Dennis?” pleaded London. He was concerned for his colleague whom he admired. He felt certain Bolam could handle it but just in case something should go wrong, he wanted to have asked so that if anything of severe consequence were to happen, it wouldn’t weigh on his conscience later that night and for years to come.
“I’ll handle this!” said Bolam. He was out of the Rover and walking toward Standish who was laughing away and shaking his head with his arms folded across his chest.
“We meet again, Detective!” said Standish with a sneer. “I’ve been waiting for you. If 15 years inside taught me anything –” he hesitated for dramatic effect, “- it’s patience.”
“You don’t scare me Louis. I put you away before, I can put you away again!” said Bolam in defiance.
Standish unfurled his arms and as did so one of them revealed the fact he was holding a gun in one of his hands.
Bolam gulped hard, his Adams apple doing that thing where it becomes more prominent and looks quite unsightly and that makes you realise how delicate the throat area is and his Adams apple went back in again a bit.
“Goodbye Detective Bolam, it’s been a pleasure killing you!” said Standish in a sinister manner much like a baddie in a Hollywood film. Suddenly there was a cry to the side of the whole scene:
“Nooooo!”
It was Asid coming out of his store and throwing – a chicken tikka slice! The momentary distraction was enough to confuse Standish who was now inadvertently aiming away from Bolam as he had turned toward Asid. The tikka slice hit Standish in the arm and ‘pop’! the trigger was pulled and a little flag with BANG! written on it unfurled from the gun barrel. He had never meant to kill him, it was all a joke and a wind up, just like the ginger wig! “Get him Detectve Dennis!” shouted Asid with his hands to his turban.
Grant London was out of the car now and looked suddenly to the sky: a helicopter! And it was being flown by none other than Molly from facial recognition and joining her were Sandra and Tanya from SOCO! All three of them were dressed in poice outfits much like you might see in a Benny Hill sketch from the 70s except for Sandra who had to wear a helmet with a microphone as well to fly the chopper.
“Dennis!” shouted Grant, “Air support!”
Bolam lunged at Standish and grappled him to the floor. The pair rolled around on the paving while Asid and London shouted and jeered their support of Bolam. The pair rolled close to the chicken tikka slice that Asid had thrown. Bolam swatted it out of the way just before Standish rolled him over onto it. “Grab the tikka slice!” Bolam shouted at Grant. Standish attempted another manouver but it was too late, Grant London had picked up the tikka slice and pocketed it for Bolam to have after the fight.
Above the scrap, the police helicopter circled and hovered and Tanya filmed the scene with an armour plated helicam to use as evidence in court and Sandra took pictures with her iPhone for her Twitter, Facebook and Instagram accounts. At one point she was even able to lie on her back and take a selfie with her head out of the helicopter while she pouted and made the duck face and captured the struggle between Bolam and Standish in the distance below her and to the side of her head. She uploaded that one right away with all sorts of remotely comic hashtags which were either bad plays on words or stating the obvious. She also got another one with her cleavage all pushed up and licking the helicam sexily while Tanya held it provocatively. All the girls couldn’t wait to read the myriad sexual comments their pictures would receive once they were off duty, when they would search the hashtag ‘policetagram’ and see their pictures along with those of other saucy police girls from all over the world.
These girls probably wouldn’t have much of a career in the police force but they made lots of impact and made the whole thing a lot sexier and a bit more like a James Bond film, which is why Bolam detective stories are so compulsive.
Just then a riot van and dog unit came screeching to the scene and stopped. PC Nigel Russo stepped out with a German shepherd on a lead which looked as menacing as Russo did in his dog handler gear and he stood momentarily surveying the scene.
Bolam and Standish were still rolling around on the floor and calling each other names like ‘bitch, ‘faggot’ and ‘homie’.
London had an idea. Quick as a flash he whipped the ginger wig off of Louis and threw it to K9 PC Russo. Russo knew what to do. He showed the wig to the dog and it stuck its muzzle right in getting the scent of Lewis Standish. Bolam’s senses were acute when in the heat of the action and knew what to do also and him and London had worked long enough together now to make a good pair.. Still rolling, he timed it perfectly and got his arms under Lewisses and flung them apart briefly which was enough for him to push himself free.
“Get him boy!” said police dog handler Russo. Growling and snarling the dog made the quick run to Louis Standish and mauled him, biting into his arm and shaking it about like how the dogs kill the rabbits in the traumatising cartoon Watership Down.
Bolam got to his feet and dusted himself down and put his hand out to Grant London. Grant passed him the tikka slice he had recover
ed from the floor. Bolam unwrapped it and began eating it, but was dismayed slightly at the crumbling of the pastry due to it being thrown about. He was hungry, though, because the events of the past few days had rendered him unable to think about eating.
“You’re nicked! Cuff him.” Said Bolam with a mouthful of Tikka, to Russo. Russo cuffed him. Back on his feet, Standish sneered at Bolam.
“I’ll have you! I’m more dangerous inside!”
“Shut it, you slag! Get him out of ‘ere.” Said Bolam taking another bite.
Standish was lead to the dog unit van and TASERed and then hosed with a water cannon by one of the riot cops before being shoved into the back of the van with a black cloth over his head and only the snarling dog for company.
“Take him back to the station and book him.” Said London, pleased to have a part in the arrest.”
The riot van, K9 unit and helicopter all few off back to the police station.
London’s walkie talkie again crackled into life.
“Bravo Two Zero are you receiving?” It was Lightfoot again.
“Blackhawk down receiving, Go ahead, Guv.” Said London.
“Did you get Standish?”
“Affirmative. He’s in the back of the dog van now and headed back to the squad house.”
“Was he Taser’d before they closed the doors?”
“Yes sir”
“Did they hose him with the water cannon?”
“Yes, sir.”
“And put the black sack over his head?”
“yes sir”
“Excellemnt! Well done everyone” and a tea spoon could suddenly be heard over the walkie talkie frantically hitting a china cup.
Asid came over to the detectives.
“Nice one, Asid!” said Dennis.
“I was very worried! For a moment I thought detective Dennis was goner be a gonna.”
“You saved me Asid and I won’t ever forget it! Now I owe you one!”
“Let’s say the slate is clean. You have caught the vandal of my shop after all.”
“A clean slate, eh?” said Bolam.
“Yes sir.” Chirped Asid.
“Then you won’t be charging me for this!” Said Bolam and he took another bite out of the chicken tikka slice.
The three friends looked at each other and laughed and laughed and all patted each other on the back.
The End
Dennis Bolam will return in The Man From Leamington Spa.
Did you enjoy this first Dennis Bolam detective thriller? Whatever you think, please leave a review as it’s best to have reviews even if they aren’t all brilliant, because it shows people have bothered to read your book and so other people might want to as well. Very many thanks for reading it and reviewing it if you do as well, it’s my first published novel so I am very pleased.
