I stayed in the office for a while with my feet up on the desk, flipping my phone in my hand. There was really nothing stopping us from success; everything was going swimmingly. Tomorrow, we’d either be twice as strong, or we’d take out the competition. After only a few months from conception of our little organized crime family, we were ready to wage a war with our competitors. I smiled at the thought, first smugly, and then happily. I allowed my smile to grow until I was reminded by a fleeting thought that the competitors I spoke of so transiently, were my friends. My head shook involuntarily as I felt a chill curl up my spine. I had just set up a plan that could possibly kill them all, the people I had for so long considered family, and I had done it so easily. How did that happen? When did this apathetic view of my surroundings take over? I guess I had been at some sort of turning point in my life, the point where I was meant to decide whether to fight for the light or the dark. Grace kept me in the light. With her, I only saw a future. Without her, I was becoming someone I no longer recognized.
And as I thought about it, I was okay with that person. I could live with being the person who lacked morality, who cared for no one, who saw people as only a means for further gain.
But was it what I wanted, what I yearned for? Was success my deepest desire, or had I buried that away to guard my heart?
I needed to see her, just see her one more time. I needed to see if there was any light left within me, or if the power had taken over.
I left the clubhouse. I hopped on my bike. I sped to Old City. I sat in the window of the bar where we first met. I waited for her. I watched her round the corner. I watched her walk up to her apartment building. I watched her kiss another man.
The darkness felt stronger than ever, but it was anything but apathy.
Grace
“Ryan?” I barely whispered.
“It’s Mark.”
“No. No.” My hand was to my mouth, hiding my shock.
“Grace, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”
“Yeah.” I nodded. “I just… I just need to go upstairs.”
He leaned in closer. “Is that an invitation?”
An invitation? An invita…? My head was spinning and my ears were ringing. Ryan? Was it really Ryan? My Ryan? Or were my eyes playing tricks on me? Had I just been longing to see him for so long that I was now hallucinating his face? And if it were he, what would I say to him after six whole months apart? Could I say anything to him? How was I feeling? Why was there overcoming sense of hatred flowing through my veins?
“Hello. Earth to Grace! Are you inviting me up to your bedroom?”
“What?” I heard enough of his words to snap me from my stream of questions.
“You, me, bedroom.” Mark leaned into me, closing his eyes.
Was he that drunk that he had completely forgotten that I had just pushed him off of me? I had too much to deal with for these games he was playing. I would have to address it another time, when he was in a more sober state.
“Mark, I had a wonderful time tonight, but I’m going upstairs alone.”
I rushed through the words. I didn’t want to be out there any longer than I needed to be. I didn’t want to look up again and see my husband, who had been missing for six months, casually drinking a beer. I needed to collect my thoughts and decide what to do next. I quickly squeezed Mark’s hand, said another goodbye, and pushed through the door. I grabbed onto the handrail and pulled my way up the steps.
As I stepped into my apartment, I began talking to myself. “Okay, get it together, Grace. Maybe you made the whole thing up. Maybe you saw what you wanted to see. But what if it was Ryan? What if he had found his way home and was waiting for me? Why didn’t I run across the street?”
I didn’t get to ask myself any more questions. When I turned around, he was standing in the doorway.
“Who the fuck was that?”
“Ryan?”
“Answer me, Grace. Who the fuck was that who I just watched you make out with?”
I couldn’t think. I couldn’t breath. I just wanted to cry.
“I thought you were dead. I thought… I thought Sean…”
“So now you’re just going around fucking whomever doesn’t mind that there’s a baby, my baby, inside of you?”
Why was he talking to me this way? Why was I letting him talk to me this way? Why did I so badly want to throw my arms around him and forget every minute I had spent without him?
But he had let me down; he had abandoned me. I couldn’t just forgive him. I wasn’t that kind of girl. I couldn’t be that kind of girl.
“No.”
“No what? No, you’re not fucking everyone? Because the way his hands were all over you hinted at something otherwise.”
“You have no right to speak to me that way. You… You disappeared. You left me. You left me alone with this.” I grabbed my belly.
“And you didn’t think I had a good reason to do that?”
“Well, when I thought you were dead, I assumed it was a good enough reason. Now, I have no idea.”
“You know what, fuck it. This is exactly what I wanted to know. Goodbye, Grace. Have a good fucking life.”
Oh, there was no way he was getting away that easily. I ran to the door, slamming it before he could walk out on me again.
“You do not get to do that, Ryan Cassidy. You’re going to tell me what the hell is going on here.”
Nothing. Did I not deserve an explanation? After six months of not knowing, did I not deserve even a hint?
“I woke up in a hospital bed, where the nurse told me that he had found me passed out, drugged, and alone in the emergency waiting room. I tried to call you, but your phone was disconnected. Then… then, I found your bloody wedding ring in the pocket of your jeans. What was I supposed to think, Ryan? Huh? Tell me, what was I supposed to think?”
His face dropped as I lost control and started to cry. He took a step toward me, but I batted him away. “No. You stay there. You don’t come anywhere near me.” Aloud I said to stay away, while inside I was screaming for him to pick me up and never put me down.
“Grace, just…”
“No! I knew that you had to be dead because that would be the only way you would ever leave me, the only way you could ever abandon me. I knew that you loved me too much to leave me alone, especially like this. And now, and now I find out that I know nothing. You actually, you truly left me.”
“I had no choice.”
“You always have a choice. We’ve been through enough together to know that there’s always another way.”
“You didn’t see you that night. You didn’t see how helpless you were. It was the only way I could protect you.”
“I didn’t need protecting; I needed you.”
“I thought you were going to die.”
“I did die!”
We stood there, staring at each other. Neither of us said anything, until the silence became more painful than the months of not knowing.
“Every day I died a little more. Every day that I waited was worse than the one before. And now, today, seeing you here, alive and healthy, you’ve really killed me, Ryan Cassidy.”
“You have no idea the sacrifice I made to keep you out of harm’s way all this time.”
“And was that really more important than being with me?”
He slowly stepped into me. “How could it not be? With me, you were shot, beaten, tortured, and drugged. What has happened in the past six months? Anything?”
I looked into his eyes as I took a step closer to him. “No.”
“Exactly. Because I can keep you safe when that’s what I’m focused on. I can’t when I’m blinded by you.”
“I never asked for that.”
“I can’t live any other way.”
“This is not living! You can’t say that this is a way to live.”
“You’re alive. That’s all that matters.”
“Not to me. That doesn’t matter at all to me. You, of all people, should know
that. You don’t get to choose how I live my life.”
“I made a vow to protect you, to…”
I cut him off. “To honor me, to listen, and to respect my wishes. Did you do any of that? No. Because you’re selfish.”
“And what you’re doing isn’t selfish? Are you thinking about me at all in your quest to get yourself killed? Are you thinking about our baby? Because that’s what I’m doing.”
His words put a pain deep in my chest. I hated that he might be right. I didn’t want to admit it. What could be more important than us being together?
“It was a decision we should’ve made together.”
“What aren’t you understanding, Grace? I was there. You were going to die if I didn’t get you to the hospital.”
“And then you just left me?”
“I had to.”
“And at no time in the last six months were you able to let me know you were alive, that you had to leave me?”
“It was part of the deal.”
“So why is today different? Huh? Why do you get to come here today? Are you back? Is it over?”
“No.”
“Then why the fuck are you in my home, Ryan?”
I lifted my hand to slap him, but he caught my wrist in his grip and pinned it above my head, against the wall. His fiery breath was beating on my face as he pushed closer to me. I tried to fight him with my other hand, but he grabbed that too, twisting my arm behind my back and forcing me to arch closer to him. I angled my face toward him, letting him know that although he was stronger than me and could restrain me, I was not afraid of him. I still believed what I believed and he couldn’t change that.
“I’m not supposed to be here.” He breathed the words.
“And yet you are.”
“I didn’t mean to… I didn’t plan on…”
“Spit it out Ryan. Give me your pathetic excuse.”
“Who the hell was that guy, Grace?” He exploded.
“No. You do not get to lecture me on why we can’t be together and then get angry that I’ve moved on.”
He straightened when I said it: I’ve moved on. It wasn’t true. I didn’t think I would ever be able to move on from Ryan, but he didn’t need to know that. I wanted to hurt him. I wanted him to feel the pain that had consumed me.
“You’ve… moved on?”
“I have.”
A pause.
“No.”
Another pause.
“Yes.”
And then came the passion I had so fully missed.
“Well I haven’t.”
He dropped my wrists from his grip and wrapped his sprawling hands around the back of my neck. His lips attacked mine, and I quickly succumbed to his will, collapsing forward into his chest. His hands moved down my back, supporting me with one hand while the other cradled my thigh. I allowed him to take my weight as he lifted me off my feet and pushed me up against the wall. He kissed my fingers, my palms, and my wrists. He nibbled his way up my forearm, biting down when he reached the inside of my elbow. His tongue tickled my bicep and teased my shoulder. I saw his eyes light up with an idea as he lowered my feet to the ground, making sure I was still steady against the wall. He then got to his knees and playfully nicked the hem of my shirt with his teeth. As his kisses made their way up my swollen belly, he tore the cloth more and more. He danced around my slowly fading scar until he reached the top of my shirt. He quickly bit down once more through the stitched fabric, groaned with passion, and allowed my shirt to fall to either side of my yearning body.
“Wow.” He gasped, staring at my chest.
“I know, right?” I teased, partly gloating.
I watched as his hands felt my changed body for the first time. He cupped each curve with such intensity, as if he was studying a piece of art. Between the paths he traced with his hands, he stole small kisses from my lips. He wrapped his arms around my ribs and lowered his mouth to my ear.
“You’re even more beautiful than I remember, Grace Cassidy.”
I softly smiled, but more of me wanted to cry. Why had I been living without my husband, without his touch for so long? Why had I been fighting through these months alone? Why had… but the tears had already begun to fall. They landed on his shoulder as he kissed my cleavage.
Ryan stood, swiping the tears from my cheeks with his thumb.
“I don’t need to ask you why you’re crying. I know, Grace.”
“I still don’t understand.”
“I don’t know if you could.”
“Can you try to help me?”
“Grace, I made a deal with the devil. I don’t want you to know any part of it.”
There was a kind of sadness about the way he said it. It made me realize it wasn’t over. Whatever he was doing was still going on. Whatever had been keeping him away from me was going to continue to keep him away.
“How much time do we have?”
He pushed my hair from my face. “We can have tonight.”
I nodded, but still wanted more. “What if… What if we could keep this up?”
“We can’t.”
“No, listen.” I begged. “You can sneak away like you did today. No one would know.”
“And what if they found out?”
“Well then, we’d fight. We’d fight like we always do, Ryan. You and me.”
“How long could we keep that up?”
“I don’t care. I don’t care if it kills us. As long as I’m with you.”
“Grace.” He kissed me. “You have to see that I can’t let that happen. What would happen to our baby if you and I went down fighting? It’s not fair.”
“This isn’t fair.” I pushed him away and walked toward the bedroom, my torn shirt swinging at my sides.
He followed closely behind me, but allowed my temper tantrum. When I had stopped pacing, he motioned for me to join him at the edge of the bed. I stepped up, nestling my thighs between his open knees. Ryan sat his hands on my hips and looked up at me.
“I know deep down that I have to let you move on. What I did today was unfair, and I’m sorry for that. I let my rage get the best of me. But you, Grace, you can have a life ahead of you. You can fall in love again, you can start a new family.”
“I can’t do any of those things without you. Don’t you see that?”
“You have to. You have to do that for me.”
“Why do you think you can ask that of me? Why do you think I’d ever agree to that?”
“I just wish you could see it my way.”
“And I wish you could see it mine.” I tried to step back, but he held tight to my hips.
“I do see it your way, Grace. I want your way. I want it so badly it hurts me every day. But what I need is to know you’re safe. I’ve proved to myself enough times that I can’t do that any other way.”
I wanted to beg him to stop blaming himself for all the times I had found myself in trouble, but there was no use arguing any more. I was exhausted, and he wasn’t listening. Even more than that, I thought as my baby kicked, I was being selfish. My hands moved to my stomach, to my child. I didn’t just have myself to protect anymore.
Ryan was right.
“We can have tonight?”
“We can have tonight.”
I guided him up and positioned him behind me. He slid my torn shirt down my shoulders, massaging my tired muscles with his capable hands. He skimmed his fingers down my arms, and wrapped his hands low around my wrists while he kissed the back of my neck. He traced my shoulder blades with his lips as he squeezed my wrists tighter in his palms. I felt him swell from behind me, and as he grew harder, he pushed harder. An excitement raged within me that I had almost forgotten was possible. His hands let go of mine as he began to explore everything in his reach. He squeezed my swollen chest, and then rounded my belly as his hands tickled their way down to my warmth. He slid his fingers inside of me, ensuring I was ready for his taking. When he was satisfied with my level of preparedness, he pushed my pants down
over my hips and bent me over the bed. His left hand took hold of my hip, steadying me in front of him, while his right hand teased my clit until I stood on the verge of orgasm. That’s when he finally pushed into me, freeing every bit of energy that I had pent up since he disappeared. I screamed as he sent me overboard, not allowing me to finish without him. Every time I was close, he pulled me back. His hands moved freely, touching, squeezing, and pulling a different part of me with each new thrust. He was fast, he was slow, he was gentle, and he was rough. When he finally released, he stayed inside of me, not ready to sever our connection. We stayed in that position, him inside of me, until we were both ready to go again. And we went again. And again. He told me we had tonight. And we took advantage of tonight.
After our exhaustion took over and we both felt satiated from our conquests, we curled up together, him the big spoon, and I the little. I wanted to remember that moment forever; I wanted to stay awake the whole night. But I didn’t. I fell asleep, and so did he.
We both woke up when my water broke.
Ryan
The last time I had been in that hospital was the night Grace was shot. This time was for a whole different reason, but the stress and anxiety still felt the same.
I paced at the bottom of her bed while she chewed on ice chips and laughed at me.
Death of Cupids (The Blood of Cupids MC) Page 12
