“Oh, come on. This CD is different, a little more mature than their younger, boy band sound. There are several really good songs on this one.” I can tell I haven't fully persuaded him, but I pop in the CD anyway. “This song makes me think of us,” I tell him.
I can tell he's trying not to roll his eyes, so I whack him with a pillow. “Just listen! This song is called 'Strong'.”
He tries not to enjoy the first few catchy lines. When it reaches the chorus, I start to sing along with a wooden spoon as my microphone. The song is about not being afraid to admit you love someone and to say that person makes you strong.
He dissolves into laughter and pulls me into his lap. “I love you, but I will have to smother you with this pillow if you keep singing.” When the song reaches the bridge, I pull away and start singing again.
When the song ends, he relents, “It is pretty catchy.”
“It's a great song,” I insist. “Because it's true. I don't think I was a weakling before, but since I met you, I've become a stronger version of myself.”
A few days before Christmas, Chase invites me to visit Oma in Ontonagon with him for an afternoon. It's strange that I haven't met her yet, since Chase and I have been together almost constantly. I agree since we are done with shopping and I don't have to work. That, and I never want to leave his side.
Ontonagon is not far from Eagle Canyon. When we arrive mid-afternoon, I smell wonderful aromas coming from the kitchen. Chase's grandmother welcomes me in the same manner that his mother had, with a big bear hug. I can see Mrs. Nichols' resemblance to her mother in her eyes and her stature, but Oma's hair clearly lost its color many years ago.
Chase leans in to kiss her on the cheek and greets her, “Hallo Oma, wie geht's ihnen?”
He speaks German?
She calls him a name I don't understand and then pinches his cheek.
She turns back to me, “So, Katherine....” She pronounces my name with a hard t in the middle, a guttural r and an extra syllable at the end so it sounds more like Katerina.
“You can call me Kate,” I politely suggest.
She thinks for a moment. “I like Katerina better,” she insists. Chase smiles apologetically and I decide it's okay with me if it's okay with him.
“So, how do you like my Chase?” She continues.
I giggle at her bluntness. “He's wonderful,” I tell her with a grin.
“Good,” she says. “He'll take very good care of you, that boy.”
“Oma....” Chase says.
“What?” She sounds surprised. “You are a good boy,” she tells him.
We sit in the family room chatting comfortably for a while when suddenly, Oma gets up and hurries out of the room. She returns with the biggest jar of pennies I've ever seen.
“This is for you. For your wedding shoes.” She hands me the gigantic jar as I look at Chase quizzically.
“It's a German tradition that a girl saves pennies to buy her wedding shoes some day. Oma started Chelsea's penny jar when she was little. She started one for me in case my bride-to-be wasn't German.”
He then turns to her and explains, “We're not engaged, Oma.”
She ignores him when she insists that I take the jar. Heat spreads across my face as I take the heavy jar from her grasp.
Then she takes me by the hand and says, “Stand up.” I comply. “You're so skinny,” she says. “You gain some weight before the wedding.” The blush that began with the pennies grows hotter and wider.
I bite my lip. I can see where Mrs. Nichols got her bluntness as well. Aside from my embarrassment, my heart is swelling with happiness. I know that Chase must have spoken to her about me, and from what it sounds like, she must have gathered that I'm very special to him. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.
Chase says something to Oma, a little sharply, in German.
She shakes her head at him and walks toward the kitchen to put supper on the table.
“You speak German?” I ask in a whisper.
“Ja,” he answers.
“What did you say to her?”
“I told her to back off,” he chuckles. I'm sure he was much more polite than that, but she seems to have taken the hint.
During dinner, Oma goes on and on about her courtship with Chase's grandfather, who passed away many years ago. She tells us they fell in love when she was 14, but they weren't allowed to marry until they were 18, after which they immigrated to the United States. They settled in Ontonagon and she's lived in the same house ever since.
I enjoy hearing about Chase's ancestry. I can tell that his family's heritage is important to Oma, and she seems eager to pass along some information to me. It's clear that Chase already knows German. I wonder if that's because his family taught him, or if just decided to learn in school. I think a bit more about my heritage. My family is mostly Irish, with some French and Scandinavian thrown in. We've never practiced any particular traditions that come to mind.
When we leave Oma's house, she gives me another bear hug and tells me, “I like you, Katerina.”
I kiss Oma's forehead to let her know that I like her, too. “Thank you for the lovely dinner,” I tell her.
She turns to Chase and tells him, “You hold on to this one!”
Not even the winter cold can erase the blush from my face.
Chapter 9
Christmas is upon us. I want to spend every waking moment with Chase, but I know he has family commitments and so do I. After much planning and careful tiptoeing around everyone's feelings, we decide to spend Christmas Eve with his family, Christmas morning with my family, and then we will have the rest of the day to ourselves. My parents will be out of town, visiting family for the afternoon and won't be back until very late. My mom is less than happy that I won't be joining them, but my dad excused me from the obligation.
Chase and I will have to start talking about how our relationship will proceed when he returns to Madison to finish school. We both know it's coming, so we have to address it, whether we like it or not.
And I hate it.
I attend church with Chase and his family on Christmas Eve. At least ten Christmas trees adorn the altar. Deep red bows contrast with the healthy green of the trees. There must be twenty or thirty poinsettias positioned around the church. A gorgeous wooden stable is located to the right of the altar. A delicate blue light shines down on the intricate statues of Mary, Joseph and the baby Jesus. The smoky smell of incense fills the air.
Several small children climb the steps in front of the altar. They are exquisitely dressed in suits and ties, lace, bows, and shiny black shoes. Their voices are off-key, but they still sing an adorable rendition of Silent Night.
The entire scene is somewhat overwhelming. My senses are full and my heart is overflowing. My eyes get a little watery. Chase leans in and whispers, “What's wrong, Katie?”
“Nothing, Chase. Everything is perfect.” I squeeze his hand and he sneaks a quick kiss to my temple.
After church, we gather around the fireplace at the Nichols' cabin. Oma had made several different kinds of Christmas cookies. She insists that I try one of everything. I think she's still trying to get me to gain weight.
Christmas morning is delightfully snowy, but not too cold. Chase arrives at our house laden in snowflakes. I remember the way they had melted in his hair at the diner. This time I flick them out of his brown waves, just to have an excuse to touch him.
The service at my church is quite different than the Mass we attended last night. Our church isn't decorated nearly as much, but the atmosphere is still warm and festive. I've grown up in this church; it still feels like home to me.
I am both grateful for my upcoming time with Chase, but also tortured to know his days with me are coming to a close. We are just playing house for the day, not together in our own place, and with no plans for me to return to Madison with him.
I had originally planned to cook a big Christmas dinner with all the trimmings, but I had decided a few da
ys ago that I would rather spend my afternoon with Chase than spending hours making sure the turkey doesn't dry out. We agreed to order in from the best (and only, as far as I know) Chinese restaurant in the Western Upper Peninsula that will be open on Christmas Day.
Once we've said good-bye to my family, we lock the door and start a fire in the fireplace. “Would you like some wine?” I ask.
“Well, from what I remember, you're not old enough to drink,” he teases me with a wink.
I pour the wine anyway and bring him a glass. Then I bring the bottle over to where we are sitting. We sit quietly for a long time, content to just be together, neither of us feeling that we have to fill up the space with words.
After our second, or maybe third glass of wine, Chase pulls out a small box that has been hiding far behind the Christmas tree. We had already exchanged gifts while my family was still here, so I am completely surprised by the box that he places in my hands.
I open the treasure very carefully. I gasp when I lay my eyes on the delicate Celtic cross necklace from the antique shop. I look at Chase and I whisper, “I love it.” I look back down at the curves of the beautiful design and then back at him. “You didn't have to give me anything, but I love it. I love you.”
I press a bit further, “I saw how much it cost. Chase, you're in college and going to med school next year. You really shouldn't have.” I can't help but go on and on about the beautiful piece of jewelry in front of me.
“I had been considering a pretty diamond necklace, but when you fell in love with that, I knew you had to have it. And, um, as far as the money...there was a settlement from my accident. We were hit by another driver....”
I can tell the subject is difficult for him.
“I don't care about the money, but as long as I have it, I want to use it for something special.” He takes my hand and says, “Besides, when I give you a diamond, it will be a ring.”
My heart leaps with excitement at his words.
I place the necklace carefully on the table next to us and wrap both of my arms around his neck. I find his lips warm and waiting. I plan to give him a thank you kiss, but it turns into an I love you kiss. He puts one arm around my waist and the other slides up into my hair. He presses his lips harder into mine and gradually opens them to kiss me more intensely. I'm sure that lightning bolts have struck me because I feel small tingles all the way up the middle of my body and into my chest. My heart is beating fiercely as I pull him closer and tighter.
Our I love you kiss turns into an I want you kiss. One that becomes overly passionate as we lie down on the couch. We find it hard to restrain ourselves since we are alone for once, and we know that we belong together.
He stops kissing me, slowly sits up and whispers, “I want you, Katie.” My heart pounds uncontrollably. “We could just let it happen right here, right now. But I want to wait.” My heart seems to stop as I anticipate what he's going to say. What do you want to wait for, Chase? I ask in my mind. He has already said he would buy me a ring, but I want to hear him say more.
Chase continues almost painfully, “I want to wait until you are my wife.” My heart practically jumps out of my chest. I'm thrilled at his words, but I feel completely torn because I want to pull him back to me and not give a second thought to our actions. However, the more sensible part of me, the more real part of me tells me that I want to wait, too. It will be difficult to pull away now. It will be difficult to wait. But I know in my heart that it's what we both want.
And I know that waiting is the right thing to do.
Chase grabs his crutches and pulls himself up. He holds a hand out to me and helps me to stand up, too. “I love you, Katie, and I want to do this the right way. Okay?”
“I do, too,” I agree.
We decide to order some food to take our mind off of what just happened. Off of how much we still want each other.
“Let's put the wine away,” I suggest with a laugh.
After we've stuffed ourselves full of Chinese food, we move back to the couch and sit on opposite ends for the time being. I decide to bite the bullet. “So, we are thinking the same thing, right?”
Chase greets my question with a look of confusion and I respond, “We're heading towards marriage, right?”
He grins that dimpled smile that I love so much. “Yes.” And then he asks, “Didn't I make that obvious a little while ago? More than once???”
“Yes, I guess you did!” I agree with a loud laugh.
“So, what are we going to do when you go back to college, back home? You've only been here a month. I keep forgetting you don't live here. It breaks my heart when I think about you leaving. Please tell me you have a plan.” I plead with him.
I'm hoping for a Cinderella moment. That he will tell me that we are to be wed tomorrow, and that we will live happily ever after in his castle.
However, I know that life isn't as easy as a fairy tale.
He is quiet for a moment and then admits with a sigh, “I don't know, Katie.” I now love the sound of my nickname from his lips. “This has all happened so fast that I don't have a plan yet. But whatever my future holds, you will be part of it. You have to believe that.”
I believe him with all my heart.
“I know that God has a plan for us. I know that it was His purpose for me to find you, for us to find each other.” I'm awed by the conviction he seems to have about the direction for his life, about God orchestrating it for him.
I am especially moved that he thinks God wants us to be together. The same thought had crossed my mind, more than once, that we were made for each other. But there was always the nagging fear that maybe I was over-romanticizing the situation. Not anymore. I believe as firmly as Chase does that we were meant to be together.
I decide to change the subject with a question that has been on my mind since the dinner at Chase's cabin. “So, what your mom said about you not being able to have children...is that true?”
“The doctors did say that it was a possibility. Any time there's a spine injury, it can affect fertility and other bodily functions. But since I haven't had any bathroom issues, they think it's quite likely that I won't have any problems fathering children. But we won't know for sure until we try.”
We. As in, the two of us, having children together.
“Will that change your mind?” He wonders. “I mean, having kids is a big deal. I don't want you to marry me and then find out that I can't give you – us – children.”
“Well, I want children. I want your children.” Saying it out loud sounds a bit radical. “But if for some reason that can't happen, I still want to be with you. You are the love of my life, Chase. I'll never find another you.”
After another long and passionate kiss, Chase reluctantly decides to leave. We had toyed with the idea of having him spend the night. Maybe even sharing the same bed, just for sleeping, of course. But after what had happened earlier – or almost happened – we decide together that he should go home for the night.
Saying good-bye is excruciating. Chase pulls me into one last tight hug and whispers in my ear, “It won't be long before we won't have to say good-bye anymore.”
I wish I could believe him, but it feels like it will be forever.
Chapter 10
I have enlisted Fiona to take my remaining shifts on the trolley, which she is more than happy to do. I want to spend every available moment with Chase before he leaves.
Unfortunately, even the best laid plans don't always turn out the way we want them to. I get a text early on the morning of December 26. Chase is brief, but it sounds serious. We need to talk NOW. On my way over.
He appears at my door not even ten minutes later. I greet him with a giant kiss and try to play down my swelling emotions. “What's so urgent that you had to drag me out of bed?”
“Let's sit down, Katie.” The sober tone in his voice puts me on high alert. My heart starts beating rapidly as fear rises in my throat.
My anxiety is immediately app
arent to Chase. He takes my hand gently and says, “It's going to be okay, Katie. Really.”
But then he launches into the most frightening thing I've ever heard. “I'm leaving tomorrow to go back to Madison. I've been accepted for an experimental treatment at the UW Spine Center. We applied a long time ago and we just assumed that I wasn't being considered any more since my injury happened so long ago. But this particular trial is for patients who have been living with a spinal cord injury for several years.”
“Is it surgery? You're going to have surgery?” I ask. “I thought you were fine with the way you are. With these,” I say, gesturing to his crutches. “You move around so well and you've adjusted to your life now, right?”
“Katie,” he says with excitement in his voice, “I could walk again. It's not a sure thing, but it's a possibility. Can you imagine? I might be able to walk!”
I realize how selfish my fear must make me sound. Of course I want him to walk, to be completely recovered from that horrible accident.
But I also know that my fear is not irrational.
“What are the risks, Chase?”
“Well, it might not work, you know? It's experimental, so it could just not work. I'm trying not to get my hopes up. I have accepted the way I am now, but don't you want me to at least try? To at least have a chance to get better?”
“Of course I do,” I agree. “But you're not telling me everything. This is spinal surgery. I know it has to be dangerous. What else, Chase? What are the other risks?”
“Well, it could make me worse. The spine is very intricate. Even the best surgeons and researchers can't predict every possible complication. I have to sign papers, saying-”
“Saying what, exactly?” I'm on the verge of becoming hysterical. “Does the waiver say that you'll be okay if you're paralyzed. Or that I'll be OK if you die? Because I won't be okay, Chase! I won't be okay with that!” I get up and pace frantically around the room, wanting to run away from this conversation.
“There's a very small chance of paralysis, but yeah, that's what the form says. I'm voluntarily letting them experiment on my spine.” He finishes with a whisper. “I mean, they have to take the normal precautions that they do for any surgery. But there are risks that are specified, built into the contract.” He looks back at me and his voice strengthens. “I'm not scared, Katie.”
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