by Lizzy Ford
We simply gaze at each other for a long time.
“Do you ever wish we could have a normal conversation?” she asks out of the blue. “Like other people do?”
I snort. “I hadn’t thought about it that way, but yeah.”
“Do you think it’s possible?”
“I don’t know, Katya.”
She nods and wipes her cheeks.
I hate seeing her sad.
The protective instinct I don’t want to feel is only getting stronger, compelling me to act when I’d rather walk away. Rarely do I do anything without a great deal of planning or control, but something about this woman touches the primal side of me that doesn’t feel constrained by deliberate thought.
I cup her cheeks with my hands and kiss her. I’m expecting her to freeze, to react negatively somehow.
Instead, she responds with the same unbridled passion she did last night. I shift to lean against the bed between her thighs, and her arms go around my neck. Her kisses are hot and deep, driven by emotion that makes my blood race and my adrenaline spike. Any thought of restraint melts under her fire, replaced by the need to feel her soft skin against mine and her body beneath me, to wear her scent and taste every inch of her body.
Just when I start to think we’re in some serious trouble, she breaks off the kiss and hugs me hard. Her breathing is rough in my ear, her large breasts pressed to my chest and her natural scent covered by shower smells.
My arms go around her, and I squeeze her into me, my resistance surprisingly low, even considering what I know about the risks of getting involved with her. I’m not usually one for hugs, but from her, I’m starting to enjoy them. Her knees part and I pull her more solidly into my body, recalling too well how we fit together as if made for one another.
A tap at our door prevents anything more from happening. I don’t know whether I’m relieved or frustrated. What’s clear: we’ve started something. I don’t know what the fuck it is exactly, but it’s much more than I arrived here with.
“I’ll get it,” I say and withdraw reluctantly from her warm body.
Crossing to the door, I open it and see Jenna standing in the hallway.
“I can’t sleep,” she says.
“You can stay with me, hon,” Katya says.
I say nothing. It’s probably a good idea, even if every part of my body wants me to crawl in bed with Katya in the six-year-old’s place.
Disappearing into the bathroom, I take a cold, cold shower. The more I’m around Katya, the more I want to be around her.
It can’t happen. We can’t ever be anything. I chant the words mentally, resolved to the fact that nothing could ever work out between us, not with the circumstances that brought us together to begin with.
***
The kids sleep in the next morning, their reward for the grueling, muddy obstacle course. I get up early and go for a run then a swim to try to get rid of the sexual frustration that’s making me too wired to think straight.
When I return to the room, I see Jenna asleep in Katya’s bed. Katya, however, is nowhere to be found. We have a seven o’clock counselors meeting at the pool. Not daring to assume where she’ll be, I text her the same thing I’ve sent her at least twice a day since arriving.
Where are you?
Not expecting a quick answer, I take a shower and check the message awaiting me.
Pool.
Impressed that she’s ahead of me for once, I dress and head that way. With Petr on alert about Harris, I’m not as worried about her running into the shitbag who hit her. It’d shock me if Petr didn’t have a talk with Harris last night or if Harris didn’t show up black and blue today.
“Morning,” Riley greets me, trotting to join me.
“Morning.”
“First decent night of sleep here. No kids fucking around in the middle of the night.” He sighs.
“You outta try running them through drills first thing. Seems to work.”
“Brianna doesn’t get up before six.”
“Drag her ass out of bed. If I can get Katya up, you can wake up Brianna,” I say with some amusement.
“Spiders?”
I laugh, recalling the look on Katya’s face. “Not my most creative method of motivation.”
Riley grins.
Before we reach the pool, I hear the raised voices: two females arguing. There’s no mystery as to who it might be. Riley and I exchange a look and trot towards the pool area.
“Never seen anyone who needed more of a kick in the ass than these two,” he mumbles.
“Agreed.”
We reach the pool area in time to see Katya punch Brianna. Teetering dangerously, Brianna nonetheless has the sense to snatch Katya before she topples backwards into the pool. They splash into it. Seconds later, they surface and continue fighting.
I never should’ve taught her to punch. This girl has some serious issues, and I’m not at all certain she’ll listen to anyone about going to counseling.
Riley and I pause poolside. He squats and watches the two trying to kill each other.
“Thirty seconds?” he asks, glancing up at me.
“Should be enough to wear them down.” We’ve been through drown proofing a million times, so we know about how far we can push ourselves as well as newbies, before there’s a real danger of death.
Katya, can you let anything go? Though I’m starting to think there might be a reason for her anger towards Brianna. The comment the first day about scars and short-sleeved polos makes more sense, given what I know of how self-conscious Katya is about her back. Still, it seems really … childish to be fighting over something like that.
With Katya, there’s no real way of knowing.
“You want help?” Carson asks as he joins us.
“Nah. We got it,” Riley responds.
Coughing, cursing and thrashing, the two women are a little more determined than I expect two civilians with no sense to act. They slow as they struggle, the drag of the water taking a toll on both. Both have tried to drag each other under.
I glance at my watch.
“Thirty,” I report.
Riley dives in, and I push off my shoes before following his lead. As the token Marine and SEAL on the team, we’re more accustomed to water drills than the others. A swimmer by birth, I feel in my natural state in the water and can hold my breath long enough to outlast everyone in any class I’ve been in.
I open my eyes underwater and swim the few strokes between Katya and me then emerge behind her.
Riley is waiting behind Brianna. At my nod, he snatches her while I grab Katya haul her away.
Katya shoves at me.
“Stop!” I snap.
She mutters something but goes limp. I drag her to the side of the pool and haul myself out before I pull her out with me. She’s panting and rests back against my chest. I raise one leg to help prop her up. Brianna is pushing Riley away across the pool. She staggers to her feet, shoots a furious glare in our direction and marches away.
“Bitch,” Katya whispers.
“That’s all you got?” I respond.
“I won. I think.”
I shake my head and lift her wrist. It’s still bandaged. I have a feeling it’s going to need a medic before the end of camp, if she continues to agitate it.
“What happened this time?” I ask.
Katya twists her head to meet my gaze. “None of your business.” And then she smiles, tired but satisfied.
“What happens later is on you. Remember that,” I warn her.
She rolls her eyes. “What? You gonna kiss me again?”
Is she daring me? There’s a gleam in her eyes that makes me think she is. We hold each other’s gazes, the intensity of our mutual attraction undeniable. I start to think we won’t make it through camp without fucking, even though I really think it’d be a huge, huge mistake.
“Was this about the Jenna incident?” Riley crouches down near us. “She was going off about it last night.”
&n
bsp; She looks towards him, releasing me from the spell that settles between us whenever we’re together. “It was about a … few things,” Katya says vaguely. “She had that coming.”
“Civilians,” Riley mutters.
“Go get cleaned up.” I nudge her with my knee.
Riley stands and offers her a hand, pulling her up.
With a lingering glance at me, Katya leaves. I watch her until she disappears behind the door leading out of the pool area.
“Petr know you’re fucking his sister?” Riley asks with his normal bluntness, confirming the instinct that’s telling me what’s between us is getting stronger.
“I’m not,” I reply.
“Coulda fooled me.”
I eye him.
“Not prying.” He holds up his hands, grinning. “She’s hot. With a temper like that, she’ll be a wild fuck. Just saying … she’s Petr’s sister.”
Carson nears, as if interested in my response. I climb to my feet.
“Because she’s his sister is why I’m not,” I say carefully. “That’s all I’ll say about it.”
Riley nods. Carson is smiling. They know my tone well enough to know they need to drop it.
“Hey, guys. What’d I miss?” It’s Harris.
I face him, my mind growing quiet the way it does before I punch someone. It takes me a minute to remember that Petr gets to deal with this shitbag.
But that doesn’t mean we can’t have a little talk.
“You got a minute, Harris?” I ask casually with a smile.
“Yeah, sure.”
“Come on. Let’s walk and talk.” I start towards the gate. “We’ll be back in five, Riley.”
Chapter Sixteen: Katya
My wrist is killing me as I walk back to the dorms. It’s not the pain that’s at the forefront of my thoughts. It’s the way Captain Mathis looked at me after I asked him if he’s going to kiss me again later.
Because I really want that to happen, whether or not I should. I can’t get over the way he kissed me last night and hugged me. Almost like he was concerned and definitely like he’s attracted. I know we both feel what’s between us, even if we don’t talk about it. I’m not sure how to handle it, given that we sit on opposite ends of the spectrum in pretty much everything.
For the first time since meeting him, I think I understand better what he’s been through. Why he’s so cold. What surprises me: how right I was the first day here during our team building exercises when I guessed he was always alone. I can’t blame him, really, not when I think of Jenna almost dying. It’d kill me if she did.
The guilt of knowing I should’ve been more aware is killing me now. She’s so sweet and innocent … and she trusted me to take care of her.
How does Sawyer make it through the day with four deaths on his conscience? By staying numb to the world? What kind of life is that?
Why didn’t I stop to think about what he’s going through at any point over the past four months? How can he take the time for something like wrapping my wrist when I’ve been blaming him for Mikael’s death?
I haven’t been able to stop these thoughts since last night, when I fell asleep with Jenna in my arms.
Sawyer is human, someone hurting as much as I do. And that disturbs me for too many reasons. I want to help him and hate him, melt into his arms and run away.
I don’t know what to think about him anymore.
“You swim in your clothes?” Petr calls as I enter the quad area.
I wave him away.
“Hey, Baba wants you home this morning.”
“What?” I face him, not expecting this news. “Why?”
“Not sure. He called last night and said he needs you back.”
I frown. “Is he okay?”
“I think so.” Petr is hiding something. He has a little tell, a crunching of the corner of his right eye. I learned it when he was lying to doctors about his pain level, because he’s too stubborn to admit when he needs help. “Zach is on his way to get you. I’ll pack up your stuff and bring it by this afternoon.”
“Now?” I ask. Before I see if Sawyer is serious about kissing me later? I feel like a teen who’s never had a boyfriend. Why does the idea of him holding me excite me so much?
“Yeah.”
“Oh. Well, I need to say goodbye to Sawyer. Captain Mathis. I mean, the kids,” I stammer. “Just the kids.”
Petr’s eyebrow rises. He considers me for a minute. “The guys are coming by Saturday before they ship out.”
Ship out. Any excitement I experience about seeing Captain Mathis dissipates instantly. It’s not possible for me to forget who and what he is, but for a short while … I don’t know. I forgot that his reality is so far different from mine. Maybe I really am not thinking straight. I’ve never considered dating someone who spends his life overseas. I don’t even know if there’s anything between us that would survive a deployment, considering we know nothing about one another. I lost track of my own brothers when they were gone. How can two people who barely know one another even consider something like this?
How can I see this as anything other than what it is: a potential one-night stand, however incredible it might be? He’s got to resent me for how I’ve acted towards him, even if he does want to sleep with me.
You’re an idiot, Katya.
“Never mind,” I murmur. “Let me grab my purse and I’ll go out front.”
“I’ll walk with you.”
My spirits are sinking. They shouldn’t be. I came here determined to hate Captain Mathis and am leaving doubting everything from why I bothered to come to the camp in the first place to who I should really blame for Mikael’s death.
“Captain Mathis won’t have a partner,” I murmur. He’s more than capable of taking care of the kids on his own, but I kind of want to stay. And run. And cry because I’m so freaking confused.
“Harris is leaving this morning,” Petr says. “We’ll combine the two teams.”
“Harris?” I echo.
“Family emergency or something.”
Petr isn’t usually vague or moody like he is now. I’m not sure what’s wrong with him.
“Your leg okay?” I ask.
“Great! Can’t wait to tell the doc how many of his rules I broke.”
“Petr!”
He grins, his dark mood vanishing. He’s not usually clingy either. He doesn’t leave my side, even following me into my room. I’d normally yell at him, but I appreciate the company this morning. I’m feeling hollow again. He walks me through the dorm, where the kids are still sleeping, and along the trail leading to the front of camp.
I feel kind of like I’m giving up. Or that I failed Mikael this week by leaving early. I don’t say anything to Petr, knowing Mikael is never far from his thoughts, either. We wait quietly for Zach. When he comes, I hug Petr and go home.
In a way, I’m glad I’m leaving early. I’m not sure what would’ve happened between Sawyer and me, had I stayed. I can’t quite understand my own feelings or why I suddenly need space, even from Petr, even if that means not watching over him to make sure he’s okay.
There’s too much stimulus here. I’m drowning in emotions and struggling to hang on to my anger about Mikael being gone, because it’s the only thing that helps me through the day.
As we pull into the driveway of my home, I realize I can no longer summon the emotion to blame Sawyer Mathis. I’m angry with him, but it’s tempered by the knowledge that both of us are suffering, and neither of us has healed from my brother’s death. It’s hard to blame someone that I innately want to help, someone broken like me.
I go to my room without saying hello to my father. I need to be alone right now. I need to sort through everything in my head.
***
A day passes and then a second and a third. Baba never does tell me why he pulled me out of camp. I wonder if it’s the Brianna issue. If so, it’s absolutely my fault for not being more mature about seeing her.
Petr sends pi
cs, and I smile when I see them and save them, so I don’t ever forget this week.
Captain Mathis, however, never bothers to text again. Not even one of his annoying Where are you messages that drove me crazy. I’m not sure what to think about his silence, except that maybe everything we went through this week was a matter of circumstances rather than any real attraction.
For him maybe. I end the week rawer than when I started it. The only good thing about this all: I don’t have to be in the rain that started the day I left and continues to storm through Saturday. It washes out the barbecue the guys on Petr’s team were supposed to have today. It’s left them confined to the house and me avoiding the common areas downstairs, so I don’t accidentally run into anyone.
I don’t feel up to it, especially since I’m pretty sure Brianna was invited. Every time I mess up, she rags on me, and I’m sick of it. I tell myself this is the reason I don’t go downstairs, but I’m pretty sure it’s to avoid Sawyer Mathis and the complicated mess of emotions surrounding every interaction with him.
Baba taps on my door in a familiar rhythm. I close the browser on my laptop and lean back from the office corner of my large bedroom.
“Kitty-Khav?” He opens the door. His large face breaks into a smile. “Why are you hiding?”
“I’m not hiding. I don’t want to be around anyone,” I reply curtly.
“You’ve been up here for days.”
“Just thinking, Baba.”
He enters my room and closes the door behind him. My father goes to the couch facing a fireplace and sits, patting the spot beside him. Reluctantly, I join him. He wraps an arm around me the way he always does and kisses my forehead.
I sigh and sink into his warmth. He smells of his spicy aftershave, and his bushy beard tickles my temple.
“What is bothering you, kotyonik?” he asks. “It is not like you to hide.”
I debate what to tell him. “It was a rough week,” I say finally. “Being in the forest made me miss Mikael too much.”
