by Leo Romero
Then it hit me. I clicked my fingers. “I got it.”
Aurora sighed. “Oh boy, what’s the scam this time, Gabe?”
“Scam? Have I ever let you down?”
She went to answer, and I showed her my palm. “Ah! Don’t answer. Just stay still.” I performed a trick of the light spell, transforming her into a luscious, full-lipped frogette wearing a blue vest and pants.
She gazed down at her webbed fingers, bright indigo stripes running up her arms. “Cool,” she said, blinking bulbous, lavender-colored eyes.
Draxil saw what I did and grinned. “Ah, light magic. I haven’t used any in an age. Dark magic has a concealment spell. Hide and seek, they call it.”
“That sounds cool. But I need your help.” I performed a masking spell on him and turned him into a bloated, warty toad in a similar dark-blue vest and pants. “There, much prettier,” I said.
Draxil grumbled. Aurora chuckled.
“Now for me.” I turned myself into a regular frog, plain and bright green. “How do I look?”
“Like a frog,” said Draxil.
“Good ’cause that’s the idea.”
“Any reason why we’re all wearing this same outfit?” Aurora asked, referring to the vest and pants.
“Yeah, you’ll see. Follow me, and try to mingle.”
I walked along, trying to add a small spring in my step to make it appear as though I was hopping. I looked to the side to see Draxil attempting the same. I almost died laughing. He looked like the Terminator trying to salsa dance.
“What is so funny?” the demon asked, continuing with his hop.
“Oh, Draxil, my man, wait there. I’ve gotta record this.” I reached into my pocket to pull out my smartphone.
“Gabe!” Aurora hissed. “Stop messing around! You’ll blow our cover.”
She was right. “Spoilsport,” I said before I got back in the groove. Now the frogs weren’t trying to avoid us, which meant the spells were working. I led us toward the first of the trees. Each had an opening at the base through which I could see steps spiraling up. I looked up; similar openings led out to the branches. Each branch represented a floor, which was a frog residence. It was like an apartment block separated into apartments. With the trees reaching up so far, it was anyone’s guess how many apartments there were to each tree.
I studied the branches. I noticed laundry hung out to dry. A couple were lounging, lazily catching flies with their giant tongues while sipping some kind of alcoholic beverage from the cups in their hands. What a life!
We’d need help to find Von Blatt. And that’s where our disguises came in. My eyes fell on a teenager lounging around the base of a nearby tree, puffing on a hookah. I caught the pungent scent of skunk grass. Gotcha! Time for some fun!
“Follow me,” I said to the others. I hopped up to the kid. “Hey, you! What’cha think you’re doing?” I belched.
The kid flinched in shock, his eyes bulging for a second before his eyelids grew heavy once more. “What’s up, dude?” he said to me.
Damn hippies. “Frog police, that’s what’s up, dude!” I told him. I flashed him my joker card, pretending it was an ID. His bleary eyes tried to get a look at it, but I removed it from sight before he could see what it really was. “I’m Captain Kermit.” I pointed at Aurora. “This is Officer Spawn, and this here is Sergeant Greenback.” I pointed at Draxil. Draxil straightened his back.
The frog studied us through glazed eyes. “Frog police? I’ve never heard of any frog police.”
“We’re new. And badly needed if you’re anything to go by.” I curled my top lip up in disdain. “Now, good people have been complaining about the youth of today. Yeah, I get it, you wanna sit around, do nothing, smoke your skunk grass all day. But guess what, buddy? Skunk grass is now illegal! You are committing a felony! Now, stand up so we can take your green ass to jail!” I reached down and grabbed hold of his slimy arm.
“Hey, this is police brutality, man!”
“Shut your mouth, commie!” I yanked his arm toward me, and he let out a small squeal.
“Lemme go! Help!”
I pushed my face closer into his. “Okay, you wanna go, huh? Well, if you help us with our enquiries on a special case we’re on, then we’ll let the skunk grass slide. For today.”
“Yeah yeah, dude. That sounds great. How can I serve the frog police?”
“We’re on an undercover mission. We’re hoping to apprehend a violent criminal who goes by the name Baron Von Blatt. Know where he is?”
The guy gave me a fervent nod. “Yeah yeah, I know where that wartass is. He calls himself baron, but he’s no baron. Moron is what he is, man. Just a regular frog like the rest of us. Thinks he’s all high and mighty.”
“Yeah yeah, whatever, just tell us what tree he lives in.”
“Amazon Heights.”
“And where is Amazon Heights?”
“It’s the biggest tree at the back of town.”
I slung him back on the ground. “Thanks! Now if I ever catch you smoking that damn skunk grass again, you’ll find your ass in jail faster than you can ribbit. Got it? Go get yourself a job.”
“What job?”
“I don’t know. Window cleaner or something.”
The guy frowned in confusion. “But there’s no windows here.”
“Well go make some!” I spun away. “Let’s go!” I said to my fellow frog officers and marched away.
“This is so undignified,” Draxil said to me in a low voice as we went. “A demon. Disguised as a frog.”
“Could be worse.”
“How?”
“I could’ve turned you into a cute little kitten.”
“I have a reputation to uphold,” Draxil stated. “Hell’s hordes would die of laughter if they could see me. Sergeant Greenback! Pah!”
“Oh, stop whining. He told us where to find Von Blatt, didn’t he?”
“Yes, but we could’ve just beaten it out of him. It’s the same effect.”
“And alert the whole town?”
“What match are frogs against us?”
“Don’t underestimate them.” I looked around at the frog people hopping along. “Get a bunch of these things on your ass, and you’ll know about it.”
“Pah! Let them try. I’ll take them all on!”
“Will you two keep it down?” Aurora snapped. “We don’t want to draw attention to ourselves.”
“She’s right, Drax. Just keep hipping and hopping.”
“What in Heaven’s name are you blathering on about?” Draxil said.
“Hip to the hop, you just don’t stop.” I hipped and I hopped along, Draxil still doing his cyborg-on-a-pogo-stick walk.
“You are utterly insane, Stone,” Draxil declared.
“He’s got you figured, Gabe,” said Aurora.
“Just trying to get him to lighten up. I know being cut into pieces for two thousand years must suck, but he’s free now. He can have a laugh now and then.”
“I’ll laugh after I defeat the horsemen and not a second sooner!”
“So much for that.” We passed loads of trees, all of them with the resident’s names carved in the base alongside which floor they lived on. Useful. We moved through a swampy patch where the younger froglings were playing soccer with a giant seed pod. Beyond them, the trees continued. All around was that constant ribbit and hum of giant insects, the air growing more cloying the deeper we went. I felt all creepy crawly. Couldn’t wait to get outta there.
We made it to the last line of trees, and one was thicker than the others, set on its own, its bark black. Carved into the trunk were the words, ‘Ammazun Hites’.
“Here we are,” I said, holding out my webbed claws. Beyond the tree was a vast swamp that vanished into a haze of fog. I really didn’t want to venture in there. I stepped up to the tree and scanned the names. And then I found him. Baron Von Blatt. Floor twenty-five. Of course, why not all the way up there? I craned my neck up. The multitude of outcropping bran
ches greeted me, sprouting out of the trunk in all directions. I couldn’t even count twenty-five high.
What joy! “Oh well, follow me,” I said with about as much enthusiasm as a cat in a rainstorm.
Chapter 8
A huge spiral staircase greeted me not too dissimilar to the one on Bone Tower. “Can’t they fit these trees with elevators?” I lamented as I trudged up the steps, the other two following. We moved past the doors embedded in the tree wall, which led out to the branches. Some of them had frog-foot shaped shoes outside on welcome mats. Others had swamp flowers in pots. It was all very homely.
“How many more infernal steps must we traverse?” moaned Draxil.
I looked up. The top of tree was nowhere in sight. “About a thousand,” I answered.
Draxil let out a groan.
“How do I get roped into these things?” asked Aurora. “There’s got to be a life of peace attached to this Dark Bearer thing somewhere.”
“I’m afraid not, child,” said Draxil. “It is a burden only for the strong.”
“Great,” said Aurora.
I climbed up more steps, passing by more doors. We’d made it to floor ten. Almost halfway there.
“What if Von Blatt isn’t in?” Aurora asked.
“Then we’ll break in,” I said back to her.
“Breaking and entering? You’re supposed to be an angel.”
“The demon’s gonna do it,” I said. Draxil’s head jerked upward, his eyes widening.
“No one will expect anything less of him,” I added.
“Hmph! Always blame the demon! I was not always like this! I have good in me!”
“All righty, then the siren will do it.”
“Me? Why should I get the blame?”
“’Cause no one trusts sirens either.”
“What about you? You’re the biggest scammer I’ve ever met.”
“Me? I’ve never cheated anyone. My reputation’s solid.”
“Your reputation stinks, Gabe!”
I grumbled to myself as I led them up the last few floors. “It doesn’t matter anyway,” I said over my shoulder as I trudged up the steps.
“Why not?” asked Aurora.
“’Cause Von Blatt is in.”
“How do you know?”
I stopped outside his door with a satisfied huff. “Because his shoes and cloak are there.” I pointed at his shoes sitting just outside the door to the twenty-fifth floor and the cloak hanging on a peg by its side.
“At last,” Draxil said and went to move past me.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” I said, stopping him in his tracks. He gave me a confused stare.
“We can’t just go barging in there,” I said.
“Why not?” Draxil snapped.
“Because we want to do this quietly,” I said in a low voice. “So, here’s the plan. We need to get him out here in the hallway. You two keep him occupied while I go and look for the Fleece.”
“How are we gonna keep him occupied?” Aurora asked. “Tell him jokes? In all honesty, I don’t think Draxil has got much of a silver tongue. No offense.”
“None taken,” Draxil said. “The young lady is right. You are better at talking than I am. I should be the one to go and take the Fleece.”
I sighed. “Von Blatt wants me dead. If he gets even a sniff that it’s me beneath this frog suit, the plan is kaput. It’s best I stay well away from him. Look, all you have to do is keep him distracted. Ask him questions.”
“Like what?”
“I don’t know. Ask him what type of fly he likes best for breakfast. And then whether he likes them with fries.”
Aurora shook her head. “Whatever, Gabe. Just knock on the door.”
“Okay. You ready?”
They both nodded. I cleared my throat, took a deep breath, then thumped on Von Blatt’s door. “Open up, Von Blatt. We know you’re in there!” I loved talking in that tough-cop tone.
“What is it?” Von Blatt’s lispy voice answered from inside.
“Frog police.”
After a brief moment, the door creaked open, and Baron Von Blatt’s avocado-peel face came into view. “Who?” he blurted.
I flashed him my joker card and turned my head to the side, not wanting him to stare at me full on. “Frog police. I’m Captain Kermit. We’ve had word that you’ve been illegally acquiring mystic artifacts.”
Von Blatt’s eyes widened in concern for a brief moment. He composed himself, and they became slits. “I have no idea what you’re referring to. All of my stock can be accounted for.” He jutted his massive chin in the air.
I crossed my arms over my chest. “Not according to our sources. Step outside.”
Von Blatt’s jaw dropped, and I caught a glimpse of that prosthetic tongue. Man, that thing looked ridiculous. I had to stifle a laugh.
“I have done nothing wrong,” Von Blatt protested, straightening his silk robe.
“That’s what they all say.” I pushed open the door, causing him to stagger back. “Sergeant Greenback,” I said and nodded toward Von Blatt.
Draxil stepped ahead of me and grabbed Von Blatt. Von Blatt yelped.
“Bring him outside,” I ordered.
With a grunt, Draxil yanked Von Blatt out into the hallway, knocking his feet out of his slippers. Once there, we sweated him.
“Okay, Von Blatt. If that is indeed your real name,” I said, making sure to stand behind him. “We have it on good authority that there are stolen artifacts on that branch out there.”
“Well, whoever told you that is lying, Captain,” Von Blatt said over his shoulder. “I have never stolen anything in my life.”
“Well, that’s good, then you won’t mind me having a look, will you?”
Von Blatt gulped. “Of course not,” he said in nervy voice.
Yeah, I bet the asshole had no stolen goods out there. I knew him too well. “Sergeant Greenback and Officer Spawn will keep you company while I go take a look. No funny business, Von Blatt, or we’ll take your warty ass down to the station.”
“I have no intentions other than cooperating with the frog police, Captain.”
“That’s good to hear.” I stepped through the doorway onto his branch. I came to an abrupt halt, my jaw dropping. There was stuff all over the place. The wide, flat branch was littered with artifacts: guns, swords, armor, shields. It was like Aladdin’s cave. Both sides of the branch had been lined with picket fencing to help prevent any accidents. I moved gingerly over to the fence and looked over the edge. I gulped, just as I got a huge hit of vertigo. Any frog people hopping around on the ground below were tiny blobs. It was a height that could best described in one word: splat.
I pulled myself away and grabbed my head for a second until the dizziness dissipated. I looked around for the Fleece. The SOB had to have it stashed around here somewhere. I moved along the branch, scanning piles of guns. I went past the recliner he’d carved out of a giant mushroom. Next to it, a small paddling pool had been dug out of the wood, filled with green, slimy water. Von Blatt’s Jacuzzi. He really did love the life of luxury!
Every now and then, some of the fencing was missing where smaller branches branched off the main branch. It was all branches, more branches than McDonald’s. As I passed by, I peered down them. More artifacts were loitering on those new branches. None of them were gold and fleecy though. I ventured further along the main branch, and it was beginning to thin, where it tapered into a jagged point at the end. I took a glance back. Aurora and Draxil were keeping Von Blatt occupied. I nodded my head in appreciation and continued to look around.
“Come on, where are you?” I said to myself, wiping sweat from my face. The air up there was drenched in mist, more cloying than below. I continued to search, the quiet atmosphere punctured by the odd croak and squawk of birds. I made it near the end of the branch, and there was still no sign of the Fleece. I was starting to think maybe Krane had got it all wrong and he’d sold the Fleece to some other guy, or Von Blatt had since sold it h
imself. I mean, what good was the Fleece to him other than to profit from? Frogface was all about the money.
I made it all the way to the end of the branch where it had thinned to just a few feet across. There was nothing but a rack of fur coats to my left. Who the hell would want a fur coat in Toad Town? Von Blatt was no more than a used car salesman.
I was about to turn and trudge away, when I noticed the fencing behind the rack of coats was missing. It led out onto yet another branch. I followed it with my eyes as it ran away. A heap of glinting gold was draped over the end of the branch. My eyes widened in hope. The Fleece. A smile broke out over my face, but it was short-lived. I really didn’t like the idea of going out on that branch. I thought about getting Draxil to go out there; I mean it was for his buddy after all. I looked back; Von Blatt was waving his arms around. He was getting worked up. I needed to snatch the Fleece fast and get us all out of there.
I took a steely breath and edged over to that gap in the fencing. The Fleece glinted tantalizingly at me, the ram’s head appearing to smile. I licked my lips as I sized up that branch. It was reasonably wide at first, but by the time it reached the Fleece, it thinned significantly. Of course, Von Blatt had those frog hands that allowed him to stick to the bark, so there was no danger of falling. Shame I wasn’t a real frog.
Von Blatt’s raised voice got me moving. It was now or never. I took a deep breath and edged out onto the branch. Like an idiot, I looked down; a bunch of tiny frog people hopped about on the safety of the ground below. How I envied those SOBs right then. My heart started to hammer hard, adrenaline leaking into my veins. I made sure to focus on the Fleece. That was my goal. I needed to forget everything. The height, the lack of safety gear, the fact that one slip would make me plummet to my doom.
