“Why?”
“Just not feeling it,” he said with a shrug of his shoulders. “Today was a rough practice plus I had to drive up here and I’m just exhausted.”
A nagging feeling in her gut told her it was more. The way he was looking at anything but her …
“But—”
“Mia,” he said her name and there was a hardness to his voice that she had never heard before. Maybe he did know today was one year since she’d miscarried and he just didn’t want to be around her …
Swallowing back the rush of tears, Mia turned around and headed back into the closet.
The past year she had been on a mission to get pregnant again. She’d been religious about keeping track of her fertility indicators, and she and Ethan had had a lot of sex, but month after month, the hope of maybe finally being pregnant followed by the disappointment of seeing only one pink line on the pregnancy test wore on her, eroded her hope, and solidified that she was a failure at this. Ethan not wanting to come to this party plus her failure to get pregnant after a year plus the anniversary of the miscarriage pushed her over a ledge she didn’t know she was standing on. Because him not going to this party with her was him basically saying he didn’t want to be with her. That he did blame her, that she’d failed him.
She couldn’t take it anymore. Their dream of five kids wouldn’t happen … because of her. This was her body paying her back for all the shit she’d done to it in the past—all the drugs, all the alcohol. The messed up body that couldn’t hold any more children.
She shook her head. She couldn’t wallow in this right now. She had to get to this party. The label was doing really well and they had thirty employees that deserved this celebration. And as one of the owners, Mia needed to be there. So as much as she wanted to fall to the floor and cry, she stepped into her dress, put on her shoes, and grabbed her purse and coat.
Ethan hadn’t even bothered to say hello or that he was sorry, why did she think he’d respond when she said bye. He just continued to lay on the bed, looking out the window.
“See you later, I guess,” she said and left.
Mia made the drive over to the studio then parked in her reserved spot, making a quick stop at her office to deposit her jacket and purse before walking over to the rehearsal space where the party was being held. When she opened the door, the music reached out and hugged her. She needed to get on that stage and jam with everyone. As she walked in, she spotted the bar and went that way first. Why not top off her epic failure with a drink?
The debate in her head was as loud as the music as she tried to decide whether to actually get a drink.
“What can I get you?” the bartender asked. She could get a soda and head into the party without Ethan or she could have a little Jack in her soda and let it dull her senses and not let her think about the fact that her husband wasn’t there, that he didn’t want to be near her.
“Jack and Coke,” she told the man behind the bar.
One of their new acts, Wes Ryson, was on stage, playing his guitar and singing about how love hurts. Standing off to the side, she watched him perform, sipping on her drink. He excited her—he was going to be huge, she just knew it. He’d be opening up for Last Star this upcoming tour and Mia couldn’t wait until their fans saw him perform. When he finished his song, Mia stepped up and asked if he wanted some company.
“Sure,” he said, his eyes filled with awe. She walked onto the stage and looked for one of her guitars while he pulled up a stool for her.
“What do you want to play?” she asked as she sat down.
“Ladies’ choice.”
With a huff of breath, she strummed her guitar while she thought of a song. “What about ‘Everlong?’” she asked, beginning to play the first chord. “You know it?”
“Yeah,” he smiled and began to play with her.
Mia enjoyed playing like this—feeding off another artist, singing along with them. They played for about twenty minutes and six songs before Mia asked for another drink. At that point, the guys wanted to jam too. They covered so many songs that they used to play at the beginning of their career. One of her favorite covers was “Bad Medicine” by Bon Jovi. It was fun but not as fun as it could have been.
Mia was working on her sixth drink when she started to feel light-headed. Finding an empty seat, she plopped down and almost fell right off the chair. Righting herself, she stared at her drink and fucking tears threatened to fall again because she wanted her husband here with her. Stubbornly, she swiped at her eyes. The damn tears needed to stay put, she thought as she gulped down the rest of her drink.
The thing was she couldn’t stop thinking about Ethan. Mia wanted him by her side tonight—a team united against the pain this day signified.
“Hey, Mia, what are you doing all the way out here?” Todd asked, standing with his hands on the chair.
“Todd … I’m a mess.”
“Yeah, you are,” he said, sitting next to her at the table.
“I’m so fucking drunk.”
“Why, Mia?”
“Why do you think?” she asked.
“Ethan?”
With the mention of her husband’s name, the tears finally fell.
“Why the tears, baby girl?” he asked, rubbing his hand along her back.
“Today’s the anniversary of my miscarriage, my utter failure to carry Ethan’s children, and tonight, my husband didn’t even want to be in my presence.”
“Mia …”
“I can’t even get pregnant now, Todd! We’ve been trying relentlessly, but month after month—nothing. I can’t … it hurts so much. And now, with the way he was tonight … I don’t think he wants me anymore. I think he’s had enough.”
“No … that man is crazy about you, Mia. Don’t jump to conclusions. Talk to him.”
“I can’t talk to him … not like this. He can’t see me drunk off my ass,” she said, getting up from the table.
“Then what?”
“I was thinking about staying in my office for the night,” she said, doing her best to keep herself standing before walking out of the rehearsal space and down the hallway towards the offices. The sound of footsteps alerted her that Todd had followed her.
“Mia, I’m not comfortable with you staying here by yourself.”
“I’m not going home, Todd,” she spoke, her tone belligerent. Mia didn’t want to face Ethan and hear him tell her how much he blamed her for the miscarriage, how she’d ruined his dream.
“Okay. Just come home with me. You’re not safe here by yourself.”
“Todd.”
“Mia.”
“Fine,” she said, turning towards the exit. She’d never get any sleep with Todd bothering her all night. Might as well just shut him up.
The moment Mia stepped outside, the cold December air shocked her. “Fuck! It’s freezing out here.”
“Well, a coat would have helped,” Todd pointed out.
“Whatever. Let’s just hurry to your place.”
Todd lived just minutes away so Mia wasn’t cold for too long, but when they entered the loft, chills raced through her body. After he led her to the bedroom, he settled her on the bed. “Dude, I can’t sleep with you.”
With a laugh, he mimicked her. “Dude, I’m being a good host and letting you have the bed. Take off your shoes and go to sleep.”
Sleep … that sounded so good. Maybe if she put her head down, the spinning would stop.
“Mia … shoes.”
And that’s the last thing she heard before the lights went out in her mind.
Mia woke to the sound of cabinets opening and closing and to the smell of coffee in the air. Disentangling herself from the blankets, her bare feet hit the warm wood floor.
Where the hell was she?
Leaving the bedroom and venturing out, Mia regarded the familiar space of Todd’s loft in front of her and then went in search of him. She found him in the kitchen, pouring a couple mugs of coffee.
“
Good morning,” she said, her voice still tired and hoarse from last night. Todd turned from what he was doing and gave her a smile then a cup of coffee and a bottle of Tylenol.
“For your hangover,” he said in lieu of a greeting.
She gratefully took the offering. “Thanks,” she said, sitting down at the island. Counting out three pills, she closed the container then tossed them in her mouth, chasing them with the hot coffee. “What time is it?”
“Nine.”
“Shit! I should get going. Where’s my stuff?”
“At the rehearsal space.”
“I left it there?”
“Yeah,” Todd answered, taking a drink of his coffee. “You weren’t thinking straight.”
“Thanks for taking care of me.”
“Always. Now go get your shoes and I’ll drive you to the studio.”
She did as told, but not before taking another couple drinks of her coffee. Todd let her into the studio and she located her purse and coat in her office. Stuffing her arms into the sleeves, then grabbing her keys from her purse, she headed out to the car. Todd’s car was still there next to hers. As she approached, he rolled down his window. “If you need me, just call, okay? Any time.”
She smiled at her friend. “Thank you,” she said, before getting into her car and heading home, preparing herself for battle because she knew there’d be one. She really wished she’d washed up before going home, it would make her feel a little less like death.
When she opened the garage door, Ethan’s car was still sitting there. He was home. After pulling next to his car, she took a few deep breaths, trying to shore up her defenses.
Mia exited the car and made her way through the garage and across the back patio to the house. With a strengthening breath, she pushed open the door. Ethan sat in the family room in the chair that faced the door, obviously waiting for her, his angry eyes glaring at her.
And in that moment, guilt began to pile itself upon her yet again. She couldn’t go back to that woman who drank to run away. She absolutely could not go down that road again.
Shutting the door, Mia stepped inside, shed her coat, and put it and her purse on the table. She stayed silent, just waiting for what Ethan had to say, and the wait wasn’t long at all.
“Where the fuck have you been?” he roared, rising to his full height, making Mia feel like an insignificant speck of dirt.
“Obviously not here,” she stupidly said. Her husband’s face turned a shade of red she’d never seen before. “I didn’t want to come home last night, so I didn’t.”
“Where did you stay?”
“I had planned on staying in my office …” she said, knowing where she stayed would be like a bomb going off.
“Mia. Where. Did. You. Stay?”
Looking up to meet his eyes, she told him. “At Todd’s.”
A number of emotions crossed her husband’s face, but the three that stood out were shock, hurt, and rage. With her eyes on his face, she didn’t see his movements. Suddenly he had her pinned against the door with his hands and his body. She broke eye contact at that but his fingers on her chin brought her back to his furious eyes. She didn’t want to tell him about the drinking she had done last night but she knew she had to.
“I had too much to drink last night. My strength disappeared on me,” she said. What she didn’t say was that he was that strength and she had needed him yesterday. “He didn’t want me driving or staying at the studio by myself so he took me to his place.”
She tried to close her eyes but his fingers dug into her jaw when she tried. He wasn’t letting her escape this.
“Why didn’t you call me to come pick you up?”
Her face scrunched up in anger as tears rushed to her eyes. “Because I was pissed that you didn’t come! You should’ve been there with me, Ethan, and I was so mad that you weren’t!”
Ethan’s hold on her loosened and she saw what she thought was maybe regret on his face, but she never had a chance to find out. The doorbell rang, followed by Luke calling out their names. Ethan lowered his head and quickly possessed her lips before stepping away from her and heading to the front of the house. Mia took a moment to calm down before she hurried up the stairs and changed into her pajamas, then grabbed a hair tie from the dresser before heading down the front stairs, pulling her hair up into a sloppy bun along the way. Luke didn’t need to know that she hadn’t come home last night.
When she rounded the landing, Mia was surprised to see Luke … and Allie, and their hands were joined. Eyeing them warily, Mia took the few steps to stand beside Ethan, who eyed her wardrobe change but didn’t comment.
“Hey, what brings you guys over?” Mia asked, her gaze fixated on the joined hands of her two best friends. Even though she and Ethan had been rooting and plotting to get these two together, seeing their public display like this was new—odd.
Where Mia noticed Luke and Allie’s closeness, Luke noticed her and Ethan’s rift and quirked his eyes at her. With a quick shake of her head, she warned him not to say anything.
“I didn’t see much of you at the party last night,” Mia continued.
“Uh, well, we left early,” Allie answered, her cheeks blushing brightly. Mia unfortunately knew what that meant—sex with Luke.
“Oh God,” Mia groaned. “I don’t need to know this.”
“What?” Ethan asked, a little confused.
“They left to get their freak on.”
“Whoa! Yeah. I don’t need to know this.”
“So … you’re here to tell us you’re finally a couple?”
“Not exactly,” Luke answered, letting go of Allie’s left hand. The movement caught her eye and Mia’s gaze fell to their separated hands and …
“Holy fucking shit!” Mia exclaimed, grabbing Allie’s hand, examining the jewelry currently taking up space on her ring finger. “He asked you to marry him?”
“Yes,” she beamed, a wide smile plastering her face.
“Oh my God!” Mia yelled with excitement. She hugged Allie and then went to Luke and embraced him, holding on so tightly. She was so damn happy for him. He was finally getting his much deserved happily ever after. As Luke and Mia held each other, Ethan went to congratulate Allie. He pulled her into his arms and kissed her cheek.
“This is the best news!” Mia announced after stepping away from Luke and the men did their typical bro hug thing.
“Wow!” Ethan said, gesturing for them to have a seat in the living room. The newly engaged couple sat on the sofa near the window. Mia sat across from them on the other sofa. Ethan didn’t take a seat. He stood behind one of the chairs facing them all. That distance hurt. She wanted to snuggle into her husband and listen to Luke and Allie tell them about how he’d proposed instead of being on opposite ends of the room.
She hated this, feeling tears come to her eyes. Let everyone think they were for the happy couple. Only Mia knew they were for the other couple—the unhappy one.
Mia
Mia and Ethan never did talk about that night. Between his football game and the holidays with their families, the time never seemed right. She would have thought that it was forgotten except for Ethan’s continued distance.
To forget that pain, Mia turned to writing music for their next album. The lyrics were dark. She needed music to match and sent the songs off to Marty with notes on how she wanted the songs to sound, knowing he would capture the exact feeling she wanted to convey. That’s why they were such a great songwriting team.
As the months passed by, Ethan concentrated on football and Mia concentrated on anything to keep her away from him. She didn’t know how to act around him anymore. She ached for her husband. Yet she still stayed away. She’d failed him and it showed. No babies.
So, she kept herself busy so she wouldn’t dwell on it—renovations on her Malibu and Chicago homes, working on their seventh album with recording divided between their main studio in Chicago and the one in Indy, and her second movie, a rom-com called Almost Alw
ays. She’d be starring alongside Austin Panner again, her co-star from Burn for You. She’d picked this movie because of Austin, for one, and two, the timing kept her continuously busy. She and Ethan saw each other only in passing really. When she was home, he was off doing what he needed for football. Sometimes the boys were with her, sometimes with him. Time just seemed to fly by.
After her movie shoot was over, Mia was home for a month and a half, finishing out the summer with her boys. She enjoyed the uninterrupted time with them. Ethan had just started his season and his days were spent at practice, his nights spent in his office.
This was life until she went on tour in late November, right after the twins’ third birthday party. Five months away. With his season still going on, Ethan didn’t make it on tour at all. Luckily there were plenty of decent breaks in her schedule that she could get home for a couple days every other week or so to see her boys. Mia didn’t see Ethan very often during those trips. He had playoff fever, and he was either at the Flash headquarters working through drills or watching films.
A few weeks after the New Year, Mia returned for a very short visit, despite the awful snowy conditions. She needed her boys. She wanted to bring them with her for a couple weeks, but when she arrived home, Bridgette was a mess dealing with two sick, little boys. There was no way she could take them from the comfort of their home while they were ill.
“They are currently lying down in the family room watching Cars,” Bridgette said in relief.
“How long have they been sick?”
“When they woke up this morning.”
“Have you called the doctor?”
“Not yet … it really seems like a bad cold, but I’ve been watching them for changes. They don’t have a fever.”
“Okay,” Mia said, agreeing because that’s what she would have done.
The moment she entered the room, the boys’ attention turned from the television with their favorite cars to their mama.
“Mommy!” they both yelled before starting to cry. She hurried to them, both boys fighting for lap real estate. Settling back against the sofa, a boy in each arm, she sang to them to soothe them.
Never Over You Page 18
