Return to Sender

by Ashlyn Kane

  “Are you watching The Princess Bride again? Honey, what’s wrong?” She looked around the room. She took in the clothes on the floor, the dishes on the desk, and then finally Emerson, unshowered and in his glasses, flannel pants and last night’s T-shirt. “Darling, where’s Jonah? Why are you moping?”

  “I think Jonah and I… broke up.”

  “What?!” Hayley jerked up so she could lean back and get a look at Emerson’s face. “Excuse me? You think you and Jonah broke up? I’m sorry, did you just tell me that the wonder couple broke up?” Emerson pouted and didn’t respond. “And what do you mean by ‘I think’?”

  “We had a really bad fight.”

  “‘Really bad fight’? What does that mean?”

  “I—it was bad. Jonah moved out without saying anything. He’s living with Natalie—she texted me.”

  “Jonah moved out without telling you, and his little sister had to tell you where he is.” She stared at him. “Jonah is giving you the silent treatment? Jonah? Your boyfriend Jonah? The boy who is so madly in love with you he thinks you’re the greatest thing to ever walk the earth, who wrote a book for you? That Jonah?”

  “Yes?” Emerson shifted again and watched Westley engage in a battle of wits with Vizzini.

  “Emerson?”

  “What?”

  “Tell me what happened.”

  “I—I ran into his old girlfriend, and I….”

  “Emerson, what did you do?”

  “I ran into his old girlfriend and her son. He looked just like Jonah, and I may have freaked out and asked Jonah if it was his.”

  There was a long pause, and then Hayley said in a voice that was very calm, “So let me get this straight: you see his ex-girlfriend and her kid, then you go home and accuse your boyfriend of lying to you for four years about getting his girlfriend pregnant and having a child?”

  “Maybe?”

  “That’s a pretty big lie to accuse him of. That’s not an ‘oops, I forgot to mention I have a stamp collection’ kind of lie. ‘I forgot to tell you about my kid’ is a big one!”

  “I know! I just… I guess I figured if he found out when we weren’t talking….”

  “Oh, like that makes it okay? Shit, Emerson, you told him that you don’t trust him! That you think he can lie like this to you, that he doesn’t love you enough to tell you he has a kid! Kids don’t go away, they stick around, and not telling your significant other you have one when you’re together for a year would be a shitty thing to do. And you said he did that?”

  Emerson bit his lip. “I didn’t think….”

  “Obviously not, since that was a pretty stupid thing to do! God. I didn’t know you could be that dumb.”

  Emerson shifted, curled tighter, and hugged himself. “Don’t yell, Hayley. I know picking a fight was stupid.”

  “I’ll yell if I God damn well want to! Someone should yell at you! Picking a fight wasn’t the stupidest part—thinking Jonah could lie in the first place was!” She ignored his pout. “God, it’s like I don’t even know you! I know you’re a head case, Emerson, but this is whole new levels of fucked up. Seriously! What is your damage?”

  Emerson turned to her with wide hurt eyes. Okay, that wasn’t fair.

  Hayley just made an exasperated noise. “Don’t even, Emerson!” Then she was tossing her hands in the air and standing up. “I can’t even….” Hayley made another noise before she stormed out of the room to the sound of Buttercup shouting, “Do you promise not to hurt him?!”

  Emerson stared after her. Now Hayley was mad at him too. Great.

  In the silence that followed, Emerson was left staring blankly at the screen. Hayley was right; he was an idiot who had picked the fight that chased away his “one true love.” Emerson stared at Buttercup and Westley for a moment and then closed his laptop. He couldn’t stand it anymore.

  Emerson had been one of those people who actually found true love. He had found that one person made for him, and he had ruined it. He’d been so stupid to think Jonah would lie about having a kid. Jonah would never keep a secret like that from him, despite everything else in their lives. God, how could he have been so dumb to forget that?

  Oh God! Emerson was a complete moron! And now he’d spend the rest of his life lonely because Jonah had run away from him! Again! Emerson had already got him to come home once—he wasn’t sure if Jonah would do it again.

  By the time Zack found him, Emerson was crying again, silent tears slowly sliding down his cheeks.

  “Shit. You need to stop the waterworks.”

  “Zack, I’m an idiot!”

  Zack sighed. “Not that I’m arguing with you, but why?”

  Emerson wiped at his face. “Hayley’s right! I’m neurotic. I chased away Jonah—the love of my life—with my neuroses!”

  “Okay, Emma. Take a breath, you drama queen.” Zack settled himself on the bed next to Emerson and wrapped an arm around his shoulder. “I won’t argue the point. What you did was all kinds of stupid, but this isn’t unfixable. Jonah will forgive you if you apologize. That boy thinks you hung the moon. He adores you, Emma, which is why I didn’t hurt him for hurting you, and which is also why he’ll take you back if you give him good cause.”

  “What if he doesn’t?”

  “He will.” Zack’s voice was firm and confident.

  “But what if he doesn’t?”

  “Then he’ll die in a pit of despair and self-loathing much like this one, I imagine. Your co-dependency will kill you both in the end.”

  “Great pep talk.” Emerson gave a weak chuckle.

  “Thanks. I try.”

  §

  THEN

  Emerson,

  Don’t forget to give yourself a break just because you’re now studying in a program you actually like.

  I’m starting to flesh out the children’s story—how are you with drawing cartoonish dogs? I seem to remember some pretty good doodles from back in the day, but everyone gets rusty, I suppose.

  Oh that Kevin Jonas, he’s so dreamy. Seriously, what is wrong with girls today? Bethany, one of my book club kids, tried to slip me her MySpace page address inside the cover of a novel she was returning. Maybe I’ll stop taking showers for a while. That should help, right? (I burned the address, in case you were wondering.)

  Don’t you dare stop sending me pictures. I still have white wall space! And I can’t afford to paint yet. Maybe after my first royalty payment. The point being, keep the pictures coming. I’m thinking of creating a shrine. Should have known you’d still be a teacher’s pet.

  Jonah

  §

  Jonah,

  I give myself breaks. Just, usually they are breaks at Zack and Greg’s. There is food there. Also, frequently guitars in the evening.

  How do I feel about cartoon dogs?

  [Here, Emerson inserted a doodle of a long-legged shaggy dog with floppy ears and enormous brown eyes.]

  Pish, rusty.

  Meh, it could be worse than Kevin Jonas. Though seriously—her MySpace page? How very bold of her. Also, I’m a bit creeped out. Do you suppose she’d give it to a teacher she had a crush on too? (Oh I was wondering, though I figured that you had kept it, enshrined it, and then joined her friends list….)

  Fine, I will help you fill up the wall space. Though this time around, you will have to make do with the dog.

  I better run before Zack tries to steal my laptop. He’s very touchy about my using it while I’m at his place.

  Emerson

  §

  Emerson,

  That dog looks suspiciously familiar. Nonetheless, he has taken up residence on the refrigerator door. I brought a copy to the shop to show Katie, but then I accidentally left it as a bookmark in the book we’re reading in teen book club. Big mistake. I thought it couldn’t get worse after the MySpace thing. I am debating asking Katie to make an appearance as my fake girlfriend, but I am secretly terrified of what she might ask me to do in return. She’s kinda diabolical.
<
br />   Re: Jonas brothers. Girls are so fickle. Natalie wanted to marry you when she was about eleven. Don’t tell her I said that, though, she’ll be so embarrassed. But you were so nice to her when none of my other friends would give her the time of day, and she was an awkward kid. Of course she had a crush on you.

  First edit has arrived! I will have a few weeks to work on it, and then I’ll send it back. That means I should have a proof a couple of months later. Publication date is creeping up on me!

  Jonah

  P.S. I am ignoring your jailbaity comments.

  When Emerson opened the e-mail and read the line about Natalie, he turned bright red. The next time he saw Natalie, the blush was just as fierce. He never told Jonah about either time.

  §

  Jonah,

  I have no idea what you could possibly mean—that dog is a work of my imagination and shouldn’t resemble any other dog out there.

  Why not just tell the girls you’re gay and taken? At least then they will stop asking you out, even if the staring and eyelash fluttering won’t end.

  God, you liar. Natalie did not have a crush on me! Don’t say such things, as I’d like to be able to face her again someday.

  I can’t believe you’re having a book published. You do realize that when it is, I’ll be telling everyone I know that my best friend wrote a novel, right??

  New picture for you. I somehow found the time to go on the last photo club outing. We went to a park nearby, and I snapped this photo. Lucky it was such a rainy day to make the picture turn out so well.

  Right, dinner time, got to run. Everyone (i.e. me) is home tonight, so family dinner.

  Emerson

  P. S. Now why would you ignore my jail bait comments?

  §

  Emerson, the dog has dimples; I don’t know who you think you’re kidding.

  Your wish is my command. I told them I’m in a long-distance relationship with another man, which is totally true. It happens to be friendship only, but they don’t need to know that little detail. Of course, just as I predicted, this has only made me more interesting, and now they want to know if we send each other naughty e-mails.

  This is all your fault.

  Natalie used to doodle “Mrs. Emerson Blackburn” on her school notebooks. Swear to God. Don’t worry, she’s over it now.

  This picture went over the desk in the office area. I like it. It’s whimsical. Maybe I’ll write a fantasy next.

  Jonah

  §

  Jonah,

  I fail to see what’s so special about dimples. Lots of people—er, dogs—have dimples.

  Oh dear. I suppose the term “long-distance” didn’t help much, as the relationship with me seems just as whimsical as the one they’ve imagined themselves in with you. Cough. Seriously? Naughty e-mails? I think maybe you need to bring in an e-mail from this boyfriend in which he writes about, in great detail, the current weather patterns of Austin.

  It is not my fault you can’t convince a bunch of sixteen-year-old girls not to be in love with you.

  I am totally ignoring this comment about Natalie, who never had a crush on me.

  No photo today. Too tired of looking at my own shots. Just spent the last few days working with my pictures, trying to find the best ones to work with, and then giving them digital facelifts. Over 48 hours on PhotoShop is a bitch. Results are awesome, though. It might have been worth it. Ask me tomorrow.

  Emerson

  §

  Emerson,

  You’re a shitty liar, even by e-mail. It’s disgraceful, really.

  Well—what’s the weather like in Austin, then? I expect a thorough report. Don’t skip on the adjectives.

  Hey, remember that one summer when Natalie “tripped” and spilled her lemonade all over your shirt so that my mom would wash it? Yeah. I am not the only one who makes inappropriate people fall in love with them. (By unanimous vote, we are now reading Someday This Pain Will Be Useful To You in teen book club. Since my big gay declaration, I have a new problem. We have one boy in the TBC. I bet you can guess.)

  Still plenty of wall space that needs to be filled up here. Meanwhile, I am debating taking surfing lessons. They have three-day classes in the summer, but space is booking up. What do you say, want to learn something new?

  Jonah

  Emerson could remember that day. Natalie had had the worst timing ever, as it had happened only shortly after Emerson realized, one, that he was very gay and that was just the way he was, no denying or escaping or changing it, and two, he was kind of totally desperately in love with Jonah Cherneski. Being forced, by Jonah, to strip had been mortifying.

  On the other hand, Emerson still had the T-shirt he’d “borrowed.”

  §

  Jonah,

  I haven’t the faintest idea what you’re talking about.

  I am ignoring your attempts to get me to remember that painfully embarrassing afternoon at your house. Instead: so you’re now reading LGBT teen lit? Those wily kids of yours. Though after looking the book up on Amazon, I can’t help but notice that you picked a book in which the teen gets in great trouble for setting his sights on an older man. Kudos, I guess. So, did the gay love confession draw the boy to the group? Has he joined in hopes of meeting a hot young gay man?

  Another picture, just for you. Recognize the skyline?

  Surfing lessons? Okay. When?

  Emerson

  P.S. Because I am awesome I’m sending along a second e-mail just for your book club to enjoy. Though please avoid sharing my e-mail address.

  §

  EXCERPTS from the excruciatingly boring “love” e-mail:

  My darling, dearest love,

  As it has been so long since you’ve last been to Austin, I felt the need to remind you of how wonderful it is….

  Last night it rained for a very long time. At around five o’clock local time, it started to drizzle. It picked up speed soon enough, however, and by six o’clock we had a full thunderstorm. There was lighting and thunder that lasted for a full forty-four minutes. The rain itself lasted well into the night. Though it didn’t pour for longer than two and a half hours, it did rain well past eleven. I can’t tell you exactly when it stopped, as I went to bed….

  As you know, it’s often very sunny and warm here. Just last week we had unseasonably warm weather, the high often reaching up to eighty degrees when usually it doesn’t much travel past seventy this early in the year….

  Anyway, that’s what my week has been like. How’s the weather down in San Francisco?

  Sincerely,

  Your Love.

  Emerson

  §

  REALLY? YOUR’E COMING?

  Jonah

  §

  LATER:

  Emerson,

  Ok, so now that I have more than thirty seconds on my break at the library:

  REALLY? YOU’RE COMING? AWESOME.

  Obviously you’re thinking sometime after April. School, and thus TBC, goes until the middle of June, and then I have a week off at the library before we start the more hours-intensive summer programs. If you can wait ’til, say, the 21st, I’ll be all yours for ten days or so. Let me know, and I’ll book our class for that week.

  I read your letter at TBC, and I think it might actually have worked. They now think I am the most boring (and celibate) person in the world. Success! Of course, the part that sucks is that they’re half-right, but I’m not complaining.

  The boy has been part of TBC from the beginning. Originally I thought he was very clever and was using it as a way to get girls. Obviously my gaydar is completely useless when I’m not dating.

  Your latest work of art is awesome, Em, and the quality was high enough that I was able to get a decently sized print out of it. Framed it and everything. You’ll have to sign it when you visit.

  Jonah

  §

  Jonah,

  Yeah, I’m coming. I talked to Mom about it, and she says it’s no problem. It shouldn’t be to
o difficult to get a flight from Austin to San Francisco. I’m looking into it now.

  I can’t believe you actually read that God-awful e-mail to them. Seriously, if they believed that, then I despair of them. If they think that you could ever be involved with someone so boring, they don’t know you at all.

  Wow. Your gaydar is useless. Possibly completely broken. I feel very bad for you now. How did you ever manage two boyfriends?

  Sign a photograph? You are very strange. I’m not sure that that is standard protocol with photography.

  Emerson

  §

  Emerson,

  Sweet! Send me your flight details so I can make sure to meet you at the airport. Is there anything special you want to see or do while you’re here, or should I plan the itinerary myself?

  Teenagers are very gullible. I shudder to think of the stupid things I probably believed about being a grown-up back in the day. Besides, it serves me very well if they think I’m boring. Even Morgan (the TBC boy) is starting to look elsewhere—I caught him making out with one of the library pages the other day, so that’s one less heart I’m breaking.

  I managed two boyfriends by being completely charming until they asked me out, therefore the useless gaydar did not adversely affect my chances. Eventually they just couldn’t help themselves and had to throw themselves at me. They had no chance, really.

  What do you do with photographs if not sign them? Watermark? Too late for that, already printed.

  Anyway, I have to go—TBC in ten minutes!

  Jonah

  §

  Jonah,

  Ticket bought! Follow linkage to flight details.

  Are they really that gullible? I suppose they are if Morgan is making out with library pages. Then again, it could all be part of a plot to make you ridiculously jealous. (Are you? Did you fly into a jealous rage and break up the make-out session?)