“Looking for you.” I tilted my head to the side. “What happened to your shirt?”
Landon gestured toward Lila. “That … beast … happened.”
“Where are Sam and Marcus?” Clove asked.
“They’re right behind me. Don’t worry.” Landon’s eyes locked with mine and his expression softened. “I was worried.”
“Even shirtless again, I’m still glad to see you.”
“Yeah, me too.” Landon opened his arms. “Come here.”
I took several steps quickly, excited to see him even though we’d been together a mere hour before. It somehow felt longer. I was only halfway to him, doing my best to ignore Lila’s outraged screech, when I heard a roar and turned to the right.
I don’t know what I expected. I knew it wouldn’t be an easy reunion. Aunt Tillie wouldn’t allow it, after all, and neither would the laws of soap operas. The thing rushing out of the woods in my direction totally flummoxed me, though.
“Bear!” Clove screeched. “Holy crap! It’s a bear!”
I could see that for myself, but I had no idea what to do about it. I opened my mouth to scream, but the charging animal – its pelt white rather than black, which didn’t make a lot of sense given the mountain setting – turned in my direction, lashing out with a paw and causing me to tilt to the side to avoid being swiped. I hit the ground hard, the air forced from my lungs, and I gasped when the bear turned to face me.
“Bay!” Landon panicked, and I knew he wouldn’t get to me in time. Even if he did, what could he do?
I thought about casting a spell, but I had no idea what kind of spell could fight off a bear. Ultimately, it didn’t matter, because another figure hurried out of the trees. I recognized this one after two quick blinks. Aunt Tillie wore a red, white and blue sequined evening gown. She also had a headband that looked as if it was lifted from the Statue of Liberty’s head, and a determined look on her face.
“Aunt Tillie?”
She didn’t bother looking in my direction, instead stepping in front of the bear and doing the one thing no one expected. She lashed out with her hand and slapped the bear across its snout, causing it to rear back and howl as if it had been hit by a car.
“Don’t even think about it,” Aunt Tillie bellowed. “I’m Alexis Kane, and I won’t stand for any nonsense in my story. Don’t you ever forget that.”
And just like that, Aunt Tillie scared off a bear with a slap … and we’d discovered a completely new level of insanity.
I’ve given it a lot of thought and I have a plan for explaining why I was seen hiding outside of Margaret Little’s shop even though I told Terry I was in my greenhouse. I have an evil twin. No. Really. Think about it. It’s perfect. Now I have someone to blame everything on and no one can prove it’s not true because we look exactly the same. It’s genius … and I’m only sorry I didn’t think of it sooner.
– Aunt Tillie promoting the merits of an evil twin
Thirteen
“Bay!”
Landon didn’t pay the bear any heed as he skirted around the creature’s massive bulk and ran to my side. He didn’t pull me in for a hug, as I expected, instead running his hands over my head, back and shoulders as if he was frantically looking for wounds to bandage.
“Are you okay? Did you get bit? Do I have to kill Aunt Tillie right here and now?”
I arched an eyebrow as I looked between him and Aunt Tillie. “I’m fine.”
“Well, I’m not fine.” He gave in and pulled me close for a hug. “I’m pretty freaking far from fine.”
I absently patted his back and glared at Aunt Tillie. “You are in so much trouble.”
Aunt Tillie was blasé. “I have no idea what you’re talking about. By the way, I just saved you from a bear.”
“A polar bear,” I grumbled, giving the bear – which had seemingly lost interest in attacking – a wide berth as I stood. Landon dusted off my jeans, his hands shaky. “I take it you stole the polar bear from Lost.”
“I am Alexis Kane,” Aunt Tillie intoned. “I don’t steal from anything or anyone. I am an original.”
“You’re … something.” I grabbed Landon’s hands, which were becoming progressively more obsessive as he worked to clean off my clothing. “I’m okay. I can’t die in this world. Aunt Tillie wouldn’t allow that.”
“I know, but … it was a freaking bear.”
“It was definitely a bear.” Thistle, her fingers linked with Marcus’ trembling digits, approached with a wary look. It seemed I wasn’t the only one who had a nice, albeit stressful, reunion with my significant other. “And you totally stole that from Lost, you old crone.”
Aunt Tillie sniffed, disdainful. “If you think I’ll allow you to talk to me in that manner, you have another think coming.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Thistle brushed off the warning with a wave of her hand. “We’re ready to go home.”
“Yeah, you’ve had your fun,” Clove said, Sam pressed to her back as they appeared to our left. “Send us home.”
“I’m sure I have no idea what you’re talking about,” Aunt Tillie supplied. “I’ve never seen you people before.”
I narrowed my eyes as I licked my lips. The woman standing before us could be Aunt Tillie. It looked like her. Aunt Tillie was known to appropriate her own image at times, though, so it was equally possible this was simply another clone like the ones we’d seen of other acquaintances and loved ones along our endless journey.
“Now you listen here … .” Landon grabbed the front of Aunt Tillie’s sequined dress and lifted her a good foot off the ground as he stared into her furious eyes. “We want to go home. You’ve gotten more than enough jollies for one night. Quite frankly, I don’t know why you consider this fun, but you’ve had plenty of it.
“We’ve been good sports,” he continued. “I’ve been slapped so many times I’ve lost count. I’ve lost my shirt so many times I can’t even remember what I was wearing when we first landed. Enough is enough.”
“You have to send us home,” Clove added, her voice plaintive. “We don’t want to be here any longer.”
The look Aunt Tillie shot Clove was straight out of a bad movie. “I don’t know you. I’ve never seen you before. I can tell right away you’re a total kvetch, though. Alexis Kane does not suffer kvetches.”
“Oh, good grief.” Thistle sank to the ground, glaring at the bear as it eyed her with what looked to be hunger. “Don’t even think about it. I’ll bite you back, and I have rabies so it won’t end well for you.”
I pursed my lips to keep from laughing. “Aunt Tillie … .”
“I’ve never heard of this Aunt Tillie you speak of.” Aunt Tillie’s tone was forced and clipped. She sounded like a snotty rich woman on an eighties soap opera. Technically, of course, that’s what she was going for, so she managed to do it with aplomb. “My name is Alexis Kane.”
“Ugh. It’s like talking to a wall.” Thistle flicked her eyes to me. “We could wrestle her down and poke her with needles – or knives, if we can find them – until she gives in. We could see if our magic works enough to curse her into submission. Or, and I’m just spitballing here, we could take her back to the waterfall and throw her over.”
“That waterfall is lethal,” Lila interjected. “I only survived because I was determined to get back to my love.” She batted her eyelashes at Landon, who quickly looked in the opposite direction. “Love kept me alive, Jericho. That love will continue to sustain me.”
“It’s still wrong to punch women in a soap opera world, right?” Landon looked weary when he pinned me with a gaze. “I know she’s not real, but … .”
“You can’t hit my wife,” Hutch snapped. “She’s pregnant with our child.”
“Only because you switched out my birth control pills.” Lila’s eyes fired. “You wanted to keep me from my heart, but it won’t work.” Lila scrambled to get around Hutch and threw her arms around Landon’s neck before he could evade her. “Tell him, Jericho. Tell him we�
��re meant to be together.”
“Oh, why is it always me?” Landon whined as he tried to extricate himself from Lila’s grip. “Why isn’t this happening to Sam and Marcus, too?”
“Because you’re the leading man.” I answered before I thought better of it.
“What is that supposed to mean?” Landon grabbed Lila’s wrists and positioned her so she was in front of him but couldn’t run her fingers through his hair. Under normal circumstances I would’ve been offended, infuriated even. Now I was too tired to muster outrage.
“She means that you’re the leading man.” Thistle wrinkled her forehead. “That suggests she’s the leading heroine and Clove and I are supporting characters.”
Crap. This wouldn’t end well. “That’s not what I said.”
“But you’re thinking it.”
“I am not.”
“You are so.”
“I am not.”
“You are so.”
“I am not.”
“Okay, as much as I would like to wait it out and see how many times you guys can say that to one another, it’s not helping,” Marcus chided. “We won’t get through this if you guys start arguing.”
I stretched my arms over my head. “I’m not the one who started the fight.”
“Of course not,” Thistle sputtered. “You’re the leading lady. You’re above a fight.”
“I didn’t say I was the leading lady!”
“Knock it off.” Landon moved away from Aunt Tillie, although the look he shot her over his shoulder threatened potential mayhem if she attempted to flee. “I don’t see why you’re arguing about this. Who cares about the leading lady designation?”
Thistle, Clove, Lila and Aunt Tillie shot their hands in the air in unison.
“I’m the leading lady,” Lila said. “I’m propelling the story right now. I mean … my husband tricked me into getting pregnant, I just fell over a waterfall and the love of my life is grappling with the fact that I’m carrying another man’s child. How am I not the leading lady?”
“Don’t refer to him as ‘the love of your life,’” I snapped.
“Are you jealous?”
“No, I just don’t like it.”
“I’m with Bay.” Landon slipped an arm around my shoulders and glared at Lila. “I am not the love of your life. Stop saying that. It makes us all uncomfortable.”
“It doesn’t make me uncomfortable,” Aunt Tillie countered. “Besides, I’m the leading lady.”
Thistle snorted. “You can’t be the leading lady. Soaps are ageist. Once you hit forty you became the matriarch, not the leading lady. I’m the leading lady, for the record. We all know it.”
“You aren’t the leading lady,” Clove argued. “You’re too mean to be the leading lady. You’re the sidekick, the comic relief. You’re occasionally used for a plot device or to make someone pay. The leading lady can’t be mean.”
“And I suppose you think you’re the leading lady,” Thistle said dryly.
Clove folded her arms over her chest and lifted her chin. “It makes the most sense.”
“How do you figure?”
“Bay is too boring to be the heroine,” Clove replied. “You’re too mean. That leaves me. I’m perfect. I’m cute. I’m a good person. I can cry without thinking about it. I’m obviously the leading lady.”
Wait a second … . “I’m too boring to be the leading lady? That’s a bunch of hogwash.”
“You’re not boring, sweetie.” Landon patted my shoulder. “You’re perfectly fine the way you are. In fact, I think you’re the least boring person in the world.”
I stared at him for a long moment. “You know you have lipstick on your chin, right?”
Landon’s hand automatically flew to his face. “What?”
“Yeah. It just so happens to match Lila’s lipstick.”
“That’s my lipstick,” Lila corrected.
“That’s what I just said.”
“My name is Queenie.”
“Ugh, I’m so sick of the ridiculous names in this world,” I complained. “I can’t tell you how annoying these names are.”
“Tell me about it,” Hutch lamented. “You’d think people would have better names.”
“Yeah, Hutch,” Thistle said dryly. “You’re definitely the person who should be complaining about stupid names.”
Hutch was placid. “I thought so, too.”
“Ugh.” Thistle slapped her hand to her forehead. “This place is stupid. You know what? I don’t care that I’m not the leading lady. I can live with that if we get out of here.”
“Thank you.” Clove bobbed her head. “I’m glad you see things my way.”
Thistle snorted. “You’re not the leading lady. You might as well get over that right now. Aunt Tillie set this up so Bay is the leading lady and that means Landon is the hero. That’s why he has a woman in every port, so to speak.”
“Yes, it’s a lovely development,” I agreed, glaring at the pink lipstick on his chin.
“I didn’t kiss her.” Landon swiped at his face again. “She threw herself at me. I, being a loyal boyfriend, explained that I wanted nothing to do with her.” He looked to Marcus and Sam for support. “Tell her.”
“Oh, we’re your sidekicks,” Sam drawled. “How can we possibly know the motivations of the leading man?”
Landon looked desperate. “Bay … .”
I held up my hand to still him. “I know you didn’t kiss her. Trust me. No one would want to kiss that frog.”
“Hey!” Lila was affronted. “Jericho and I are in love.”
“Stop saying that,” Landon ordered. “It gives me a sour stomach.”
“Oh, well, if that’s how you want to be.” Lila reared back and slapped Landon across the face, putting as much effort as possible behind the blow. Landon barely reacted. “You’ve broken my heart and I hope you know I’m going to make you pay.”
Hutch brightened. “You tell him, baby! Does that mean you’re coming home with me?”
Lila didn’t look thrilled at the prospect. “I guess, but I hear they’re hiring a new actor soon and I’m sure he’s going to be my new love interest. This is only temporary.”
Hutch wasn’t about to be dissuaded. “That’s okay. I’ll just get you pregnant again.”
“I’m already pregnant.”
“Who doesn’t love twins? Besides, if you have twins, it’s far more likely one of them will eventually die and you’ll get bumped up to leading lady when that happens.”
Lila pursed her lips and nodded. “Good idea.”
“Oh, I hate these people.” Thistle was disgusted. “I just … this is the dumbest world we’ve ever been to.”
“I kind of like it,” Clove said. “The music is great, and who doesn’t love a good montage?”
Landon, Marcus and Sam raised their hands.
“Montages suck,” Landon said. “That’s still the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.”
“You’ll survive.” I squeezed his wrist. “We need to find you another shirt. Even though Lila has backed off, she keeps glancing over here. I think she might be drooling.”
“If she touches me again I expect you to fight her off.” Landon was somber. “She makes my skin crawl.”
The simple declaration was enough to warm my heart. “Thank you.” I kissed his cheek. “Now, Aunt Tillie, I think we’ve been good sports. It’s time you sent us home.” I turned to the spot where she’d stood only moments before and found it empty. “Aunt Tillie?”
“I told you there’s no one here by that name.” Aunt Tillie’s voice echoed throughout the clearing – as if amplified by megaphone – and when I turned to the cabin I found she’d managed to move a good distance away. The bear was gone, but two shadowy figures had joined the fray, bracketing Aunt Tillie. Unfortunately, they looked exactly like her.
“Oh, holy moly,” Clove complained, dumbfounded disbelief washing over her face. “There are three of her. How is that even possible?”
“I’ll do it,” Lila offered.
“Don’t you have someplace else to be?” Thistle shot back. “No one was talking to you.”
“I’ll do it,” Clove volunteered.
“I hate all of you.” Thistle made a disgusted face as she focused on the trio of Aunt Tillies. “What’s this? Are we back to science fiction? Is Aunt Tillie cloning herself?”
That was a very good question. “I don’t think so. I think it’s supposed to be a take on twins or dual roles.”
“Oh, so she’s triplets instead of twins because Aunt Tillie has to beat everyone,” Thistle mused. “That makes sense.”
“You have no idea the power you’re messing with,” Aunt Tillie’s Alexis Kane persona uttered dramatically. “We’re stronger than you.”
“You’re … something,” I agreed. “We still want to go home.”
“The story isn’t done.”
“It is for us.”
“And yet it’s not.” Aunt Tillie’s smile was bright. “I don’t believe I’ve gotten the chance to introduce my sisters. This is Nikki Forrester and Marlena Bauer. They’re my more evil and most evil twins.”
“Oh.” Realization dawned. “We really should’ve seen that coming.”
“Wait … more evil and most evil?” Landon was understandably confused. “How does that work?”
“One does the work of the more evil me and the other does the work of the most evil me.”
“So you’re evil,” Thistle said, pointing. “She’s more evil and that one is the most evil?”
Aunt Tillie nodded.
“Oh, that’s somehow diabolically spot on,” Thistle said. “That’s so … her.”
“I want a more evil twin,” Clove complained. “That would really help when there’s housework to be done.”
I ignored her. “Aunt Tillie, where do you think you’re going?” I challenged. “We’re here. We can see you. We won’t allow you to escape again.”
“That’s right,” Thistle enthused. “We want to go home, and we want to do it right now.”
All My Witches Page 13
