“I would be better off going barefoot than wearing these shoes,” Thistle groused as she glared at her heels. “It’s not as if I’ll be able to run in them.”
“Aunt Tillie is old,” Clove pointed out. “How fast can she run?”
That was a question I couldn’t answer. “It’s her world. She knows all the tricks.”
“And she wants us to follow,” Landon said. “The thing is, she doesn’t want us to catch her … yet.”
“So what do we do?” Thistle was at her limit as she lifted a shoe to stare at the icepick heel. “These shoes are all kinds of stupid.”
“At least you’re not wearing a shirt that completely shows off your assets,” I noted, pointing to my chest.
“Oh, we’re going to see if we can keep that shirt.” Landon grinned. “I’m a big fan.”
“Maybe they’ll have it in the gift shop.”
“We can only hope.”
“I think my shirt is worse,” Clove complained, stepping to the center of our little circle so she could show off her impressive cleavage. “It’s so tight I can barely breathe. I don’t think it’s very flattering either.”
“I think it’s flattering.” It was. Clove was the most well-endowed of all of us, and her assets were clearly on display thanks to Aunt Tillie’s new wardrobe. “In fact, I think you look nice.”
Clove wasn’t convinced. “What do you think, Sam?”
“Hmm.” Sam jerked his eyes from Clove’s cleavage. “Did you say something, honey?”
Marcus snorted. “I think we know how Sam feels.”
“Do you think it’s indecent, Landon?” Clove asked, her eyes wide with worry. “I don’t want to make a name for myself. Aunt Tillie always told me that was a possibility if I wore the wrong clothes.”
I scowled. “She never should’ve told you that.”
“Yeah, from the woman who wears leggings that show off … well, everything. I wouldn’t take her fashion advice to heart,” Thistle said. “But I want to know why you two got slutty shirts and I got one that covers everything.”
“It’s because you don’t have anything to show off.” Landon clearly responded before he thought better of it. “I mean … um … Bay, I think this one is for you to answer.”
I shot him a withering look. “Really? After you’ve screwed it up you want me to swoop in and smooth things over? Why isn’t that surprising?”
“Hey, I’m doing the best I can.” Landon wagged a finger in my face. “I’m still traumatized from the wedding that never was.”
I made a face, although it didn’t last because his expression was far too charming. “You’re incorrigible sometimes.”
“That’s why you love me.” Landon looked back to Thistle. “I shouldn’t have said that. I’m sure you have plenty to show off. I’m not looking, mind you, but I’m sure you do.”
Thistle rolled her eyes and made a “well, duh” face. “Don’t push it. I can only take so much in one day.”
“Join the club.” Landon grabbed my hand. “We have to follow the trail Aunt Tillie is bound to leave. She wants to lead us to a final destination. I think we can all agree on that. It was the same in the fairy tale world. I don’t think this will be any different.”
“So we just wander into the woods?” Thistle gestured toward the fake woodland setting. “What if there’s another bear in there? What if there’s something worse?”
“We’ve already dealt with butt-pinching mobsters, lame vampires and a dude who fell into a crack in the floor at the hospital. How much worse can it get?”
“Ugh.” Thistle, Clove and I groaned in unison.
“What?” Landon held his hands out, clueless. “What did I say?”
“You totally jinxed us, man,” Marcus complained. “Now something really terrible will happen. Just you watch.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Landon waved off the comment and moved toward the clearly-marked path through the trees. There was even a sign that said “This way” with a pointing arrow to make sure we didn’t fall victim to idiocy. “I’m getting hungry. Do you think there’s bacon in this world?”
Of course he would ask that. “Do you really want to try eating it given the fact that Aunt Tillie’s aware of your fondness for pork? I can guarantee you’d be safer eating the asparagus in this world.”
“Are those my only two options?”
“I don’t see where you have any options. We’re in the woods. You’re not going to find food here.”
“Fine. But when we get out of here I’m going to eat enough bacon to make it through the rest of winter.”
“Duly noted.”
“WHAT THE HECK IS this?”
We’d only been walking for five minutes when we came across a wishing well in the middle of the forest. Sam was the first to approach, wrinkling his nose as he circled the contraption.
“I think this is papier mâché, too,” he offered. “Why would someone put a papier mâché well in the middle of the woods?”
That was a good question. Unfortunately, I had an idea what the answer would be. “Look inside,” I prodded.
Sam snagged gazes with me. “Why? What’s inside? I’m not going to find a body in there or anything, am I?”
I shook my head. “No. Although I’ll bet it’s not empty.”
“I have no idea what that means,” Sam whined. “I just know I don’t want to look now. Someone else should look. Clove, I think this is a job for you.”
“Oh, really?” Clove made a face. “Aren’t you supposed to protect me? We are getting married, after all. You’re the man. You’re supposed to be my protector.”
“You’d better hope Aunt Tillie didn’t hear you say that,” Thistle warned. “If she did, you’re going to be in big trouble. She won’t like that one bit.”
Clove balked. “What did I say?”
“She raised us to save ourselves,” I reminded her. “That was the whole point of the fairytale world. She didn’t want us to rely on a man to save us when we were capable of doing it ourselves.”
“So?” Clove planted her hands on her hips. “Maybe I don’t want to save myself. Did you ever consider that?”
“Only every day since I’ve met you,” I replied. “I get it. You like to be a girly girl. There’s nothing wrong with that. Aunt Tillie is another story. She won’t like it if you turn girly all of a sudden.”
“Really?” Clove’s tone was dry as she gestured toward her overflowing breasts, which were still on display. “I think she wants the world to know I’m a girl. Why else would she have given me this outfit?”
“Now isn’t the time for this,” Landon interjected, waving a hand between us to make sure we didn’t start throwing punches. “We’re clearly here for a reason. You guys think the reason is in that well. I’m a little terrified to look, but since I’m the FBI agent I’ll do it.”
Landon puffed out his chest. His words were bolder than his actions, because he didn’t move an inch from the spot where he stood.
“I really don’t want to look in there,” Landon said after a beat. “I’m afraid it’s going to be something freaky.”
“This whole world is freaky,” I reminded him. “You should be used to it by now.”
“Right.” Landon’s shoulders were stiff when he turned back to the well. “I’ll give you a hundred bucks if you look for me.”
I cocked an eyebrow. “You’re trying to bribe me?”
“I know I should be embarrassed, but I’m terrified to look in that well.”
“I’m not above a bribe. I just want something better than a hundred bucks.”
Landon tugged on his bottom lip as he turned back to me. “What do you want?”
“An hour-long massage, dinner in Traverse City and a night of just you and me.”
Landon smiled. “You can have that no matter what. It’s not a bribe if I already want to do it.”
“Oh.” I deflated a bit. “I want you to get a pedicure with me, too.”
“Now you’re
talking.” Landon bobbed his head. “Fine. But no photos this time. Last time you blasted our salon visit all over Facebook. The guys at the office are still talking about it.”
“Done.”
“Great.” Landon took my extended hand and shook it while giving me a quick kiss. It wasn’t until I was already moving that I realized he was pushing me toward the wishing well. “If it’s something dangerous, yell and I’ll come running. If it’s merely gross, you’re on your own.”
“Oh, what big, strong men we have,” Thistle drawled, following me toward the well.
“Aren’t you afraid?” Marcus called out to her.
“No. I know what we’re going to find.”
“How do you know?”
“Because wells on soaps are a tried and true story,” I answered for Thistle. “They’ve been used multiple times. I think we all know what’s in here.”
“And what’s that?”
“An evil twin,” Thistle and I answered in unison, shuffling toward the lip of the well and looking down. Sure enough, sitting in the center of the papier mâché well – a structure she could break out of whenever she wanted – sat one of Aunt Tillie’s clones. I knew it wasn’t the real Aunt Tillie, because the woman was dressed in dowdy clothes and had fake grime spread from one end of her face to the other.
“How’s it going in there?” I asked, doing my best not to smile. Even though it was a fake environment, it shouldn’t have been funny. Being trapped in a well is never funny.
“Thank the Goddess you’re here.” The woman scrambled to her feet, which conveniently put her about a foot away from us. All she had to do was raise her arms and we could’ve lifted her out. Neither Thistle nor I made as if we intended to do that. “You have to get me out.”
“How long have you been in here?” Thistle asked, looking around. “It looks a little bleak, yet completely sanitary. What’s that about?”
The Aunt Tillie triplet furrowed her brow. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
“Which one are you?” I asked.
“Nikki Forrester.”
“Ah, the more evil triplet.” I flicked my eyes to Thistle. “I’m guessing that the most evil triplet did this. It’s the only thing that makes sense from a narrative perspective.”
“Who are you talking to?” Landon asked, moving to my side. “And what are you talking about?” His eyes went wide when he caught sight of the woman in the well. “Hah! We’ve got you. What are you going to do now?”
He was a little too triumphant for my taste. I knew that would deflate fast enough, though. “That’s not Aunt Tillie. That’s one of the triplets we saw at the cabin.”
“The more evil one,” Thistle supplied. “The most evil one is still out there.”
“Oh, man.” Landon pressed the heel of his hand to his forehead. “I thought we were finally getting somewhere.”
“We are. We just have to figure out Aunt Tillie’s endgame. If she’s dusting off triplets, that means they’ll play into the finale.”
“And you’re convinced we’re close to the finale?”
Landon looked so hopeful I couldn’t deny him. “I do. I think we’re closer than we realize. I think we simply need to find Aunt Tillie, get through the final scene, and then she’ll send us home.”
“Is that something you know or something you feel?”
I shrugged. “A little of both.”
“I’ll take it.” Landon rubbed his hand over my back as he stared at the woman in the well. “So, are we supposed to get her out of there or leave her? I could go either way on this one.”
I snickered. “I think we’re supposed to get her out, but first we need to come to an understanding.” I leveled my gaze on Nikki. She seemed agitated. I was fine with that. In fact, I preferred it. “If we get you out of there, you have to help us catch Aunt Tillie.”
“I don’t know who that is.” Nikki was stubborn as she folded her arms across her chest. “I’ve never heard that name before.”
“Alexis Kane,” I corrected, internally chastising myself. Aunt Tillie wanted us to play the game. If we expected to get out of here soon, we’d have to follow the rules. “We know what she’s planning. In fact … we know about the snow sharks.”
Nikki rubbed her hands together, gleeful. “It’s going to be glorious. We’re going to bring the world to its knees so the people will worship us.”
“That was a little over the top,” Landon lamented. “We know about her plan. We’re going to stop her ... with or without your help.”
I put my hand on his arm to still him before he said something else we couldn’t back up. “I have a feeling we’re going to need her help.”
Landon frowned. “Do you have to ruin all of my fun? I get to have so little fun in this world. Basically I’ve gotten to almost marry you and that’s it.”
I couldn’t help being surprised. “You thought that was the most fun part?”
“You didn’t?”
“I kind of liked the disco ball room and the power ballad,” I admitted.
“We agreed never to speak of that again.”
“No, you agreed never to speak of that again,” I corrected. “I think I’ll have some nice dreams about it.”
“That’s the difference between men and women,” Landon complained. “You were happy with the buildup, while I wanted the happy ending.”
“Is that why you liked the wedding?” It was a bold question, but I asked it all the same.
Landon nodded without hesitation. “Yes.”
“Wow! And here I thought you wouldn’t be waiting for me at the end of the aisle. I don’t even know what to make of it. I guess I like it. Okay, I’ve changed my mind. That was my favorite part, too.”
Landon grinned. “This is a crappy honeymoon for us, though. I would rather do it with a massage, dinner and private time.”
“And a pedicure,” I reminded him.
“Don’t remind me.” Landon turned his full attention back to Nikki. “Okay, here’s the deal, we’ll get you out of the well if you agree to help us take down Alexis Kane. That’s your only option. If you don’t agree to our terms, you’re on your own.”
Nikki’s mouth dropped open. “You’d leave me here to suffer and die? What kind of person does that?”
“You should know,” I replied. “Who shoved you in this well?”
“I … .” Nikki broke off, thoughtful.
“It was the most evil triplet, right? Yeah, that’s what I figured. We’re going to have to take her on next. Once we get through with her that leaves Aunt Tillie. She’ll be the last obstacle.”
“How can you be sure?” Landon asked. “How do you know the most evil triplet won’t be the one we face off with in the end?”
“Because true evil never makes it to the end on a soap opera,” I replied. “It’s the conflicted characters, the ones who aren’t one thing or the other, who make it to the end. They live on in soap opera infamy.”
“They’re also Aunt Tillie’s favorites,” Thistle added. “Bay is right. We need to form a pact with this one to take out the bad one. That leaves us with a clear shot at Aunt Tillie.”
“Okay.” Landon was amenable to letting us take charge. “I just have one question.”
“Shoot.”
“Are we actually going to see snow sharks before the end of this thing? If so, I kind of want to find an athletic cup or something.”
I pursed my lips to keep from laughing. “I have no idea. I guess we’ll have to find out together.”
“That’s the way I like discovering everything.” His smile was heartfelt. “Here we go again, huh?”
“Yeah, here we go again.”
I want to give birth on a soap opera. The women don’t sweat, grunt only twice and their makeup doesn’t even run. That’s the way to do it.
– Clove on the joys of soap opera motherhood
Eighteen
Nikki was not a happy triplet. Landon easily managed to tug her out of the w
ell, and when she was on the ground next to us I got the distinct impression that she was considering running. Landon must have, too, because he grabbed her arm and shook his head before she could work up the gumption to make a break for it.
“If I have to chase you, you won’t like it.”
Nikki scowled. “I don’t like you.”
“The feeling is mutual.” Landon shifted his gaze to me. “Okay. What do we do next?”
I had no idea. “Well … we need to make a plan to catch her. To do that, we need information on where she is and exactly what she’s doing.”
“Okay.” Landon hunkered down so he was on an even level with Nikki. “Where is she?”
“It is not my place to tell.”
“Well, you have to tell me.”
“No.”
Landon looked to me for help. “Do you want to say anything here?”
“What do you want me to say?” I challenged. “You’re the FBI agent. Isn’t it your job to negotiate with terrorists?”
“Am I supposed to treat her like a terrorist?”
I shrugged. “What would you do if she was a terrorist?”
“Well, I’d slap her around and start breaking fingers.” Landon winked to let me know he was kidding. I didn’t have the heart to tell him that I knew all too well that he didn’t have it in him to hit an old woman – even if she was a fake character in a soap opera and he was clearly tired and ready to escape.
“How else?” I asked, legitimately curious.
“I’d threaten her with jail, perhaps lock her in a federal prison until it loosened her lips. I don’t think I have that option here.”
He wasn’t wrong. I rolled my neck and stared at the sky a moment. “We could try to curse her.”
Thistle, who stood about ten feet away with Marcus, perked up at the suggestion. “Do you think we can do that here?”
“I don’t know. It’s worth a shot.”
“Okay.” Thistle flexed her fingers. “I suggest we start with the urinary tract infection spell and then tilt it into the nails on a chalkboard chant. That’s always a crowd pleaser.”
All My Witches Page 17
